


False Hopes

by dyslexicdecisions



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: /not sorry, F/F, I'm so sorry, Multi, Tragic Romance, You Have Been Warned, but more romance than, no that was a lie, you're all gonna hate me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-30 19:20:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 99,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyslexicdecisions/pseuds/dyslexicdecisions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set three years after the girls make it big, its a time where they're coming of age learning new things and meeting new people.<br/>However, when the bands entity is at risk will they survive?<br/>That sounded all mysterious but it was actually really vague to what goes on... Listen guys it half decent, please read. :P</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

* * *

  
"Look Camz, I'm really sorry but I just can't. I promised Alexa I'd stay for her birthday... I don't know why you can't just wait til afterwards and fly with me?" I pleaded down the phone to the brunette, I could just imagine that cute little pout she'd have on her face right now. It killed me even in my mind. I'd do anything for that pout I know I would, but I couldn't break a promise. Ever.

  
I heard a sigh of defeat from the other end of the phone.

  
"You know I would've if you had told me earlier, I just presumed you'd come with me. It's too late now anyway." I heard her sniffle.

"No, don't be like that chica, you know if I could I would.."

"I'm gonna be scared and alone and without my best friend.."

"You'll only be scared for like 10 minutes and I'll ring you as soon as you land in L.A. you know, if you want?" I almost heard her smile & it was infectious even without seeing it. 

"Promise?" she chimed sweetly.

"Promise."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, head first into a trainwreck.
> 
> "Just be okay."

The following day Camila flew out to L.A. I hadn't spoken to her since our phone conversation. The last thing we spoke about was breathing techniques, it was always just taking off and landing that got to her. I knew how long the flight would take almost down to the second, we had both taken that fligh so many times. Camila still says that she's scared without me, but she squeezes my hand like hell when I'm there too, so I know thats not true. I probably just help.  
It's weird to think how little she's changed in the three and a half years we've known each other. All the tours we've done and she's still scared of flying...

I was at Alexa's when the plane was scheduled to land, so I snuck out the back away from the crowds of people. Drunken, loud fumbling people, some of which I didn't know. Alexa was 9 months older than me and this being her 21st made it a massive event. There was all her college friends who called her "Lexi", us, her old friends, a few stragglers from our old school, all the boyfriends and girlfriends of the above and then a few of the kids from the neighbourhood who just heard there was a party. Oh and ofcourse there were the few that had turned up because they had heard "Lauren Jauregui" would be here. 

I sighed and looked up towards the sky, giving Camila some time to turn on her phone. I couldn't see any stars, they must be covered by clouds. I bet there was some turbulence on her flight too, the wind was pretty strong even down here. I bit my lip worried, typing my number into her phone I started to pace back and forth. The call tone went straight to engaged.It muststill be off or maybe the flight got delayed, or she's on the phone to her mother. I hung up the phone and started walking back to the hosue, feeling nervous, not knowing if Camz was okay.I decided to call again before I reached the house, but again Camila's phone was off. I managed to send her a text asking her to let me know when I can call, just before Alexa grabbed me by the arm and dragged me back into the house. She poured me some punch and told me to loosen up.

"I'm loosened! I'm loosened! Jeez give a girl a break eay Lex?" I looked down at the cup in my hand and gave it back to her, not caring about the disgusted look on my face.

"But I'm not drinking this." I said handing it back to her and walking over to the fridge.

"Mmm.." I popped the tab of my beer and took a massive gulp and this time Alexa was looking at me in disgust. She scoffed.

"At least put it in a glass Lo. You're such a guy sometimes." She rolled her eyes and handed me the all too familiar red solo cup and straw.

It made no sense, the cup wasn't big enough to hold the contents of the can so I'd have to carry that anyway. I smirked to myself as a solution came to mind. I threw the straw into the can and put the can in the cup. I smiled to myself and pursed my lips around the end of the straw taking another few mouthfuls.

Safe to say a couple of hours later I had gone from giggley to outright drunkard. I had already forced everyone to play numerous amounts of karaoke and have a dance competitions, played flippy cup and beer pong. Oh and insisted that we sing happy birthday everytime Alexa walked into a room, I also ended up complaining to several people on numerous occassions that I didn't get to do this enough, which ofcourse they said they agreed and that it showed, which is quite embarrassing.

It must have been just after four when my dad pulled up. That sobered me up quickly.Not that I was scared, I was 21 soon enough anyway and my parents didn't mind me drinking anyway. It as just the fact that he was here, at four o'clock. I mean Alexa and I have been friends for years so its not like he'd need to check up on me. Especially at 4. something am. Not to mention I'm an adult I was in the kitchen, I heard all the usual chatter died down, they must have thought he was a cop or an angry neighbour or something, but I recognised his voice immediately.

"Hey Alexa Happy Birthday. I'm sorry to just show up like this but I need Lauren." That was al I heard before the party picked up and everone started screaming and laughing again.  
That's what worried me. Why would he need me at 4am, I ran into the sitting room, but there was waves upon waves of people inbetween me and where I needed to be. 

"Hey Lauren, do you want another drink?" 

"Lauren come dance with us!!"

"..Hey so you're a friend of Lexi's right?"

_No. No. Definitely not._

"Move." I said maybe a little too harshly than intended but I didn't really care. It worked. I just needed to get to my dad and he was far too far away right now. My mind was swimming with all the posibilities, probably all the worst case scenarios. Mom, Chris, Taylor, hell even Jimmy the cat was in there. Why did it have to be now though? It couldn't have been on a quiet night when nobody would be in my way?

"Excuse me, sorry, can I just.." I could feel a lump coming to my throat with the impending doom, although it was somewhat accentuated by the amount of alcohol I had consumed tonight. Maybe I should be harsh just to get them out of my way, but the next time I tried nothing came out. Now there's a shock, Lauren Jauregui not being able to talk?

I pushed through to the other side of the room and almost burst through the doorway into the hall. Dad caught me and held me still, almost like he was holding me upright. He looked me in the eyes, maybe assessing my sobriety maybe subconciously gauging my emotion level. That was scary, that was real scary because he knew me better than anyone else and he knew what I reacted to. Hell everyone knew I wasn't an emotional person, but Papi knew when I was and why I was and that was alot. I breathed in and blinked excessively knowing I needed to break his gaze. I cleared my throat of that stupid lump and tried to make a sentence, but onl one word came out.

"Who?" Always to the point Jauregui, well done. I watched the features of my father soften, realising I knew right well that something was wrong. He frowned a second later, he hated being the bearer of bad news, he straight out refused to tell any of us Santa Claus wasn't real so Mom had to every year one of us found out. I think that's what made his next word so devastating. I knew he was a softie. I knew he cared and I knew that it hurt him to tell me, but he whispered it anyway.

"Camila."

 

* * *

 

I don't remember much after that, I remember my heart hollowing itself as far back into my chest as it could possibly go. I remember my brain thinking up the craziest scenarios of what could have possibly happened to Camz. Dad hadn't elaborated on anything he hadn't said another word to me. I don't think he would have managed it had he tried. He put my seatbelt on when I had failed to move and simply sobbed in the front seat of his van. I don't even remember the drive home, one minute I was at the party the next my mother was above me kissing my head and handing me a folder.

"Stay safe okay?" She whispered above me before addressing my father.

"Micheal you let me know when you get there. She's as much our family as Lauren."

"You don't need to remind me." He said his voice croaky from not talking. He leaned over me and planted a kiss on my mothers cheek before we pulled out again. It didn't even register with me what we were doing and where we were going, but it clicked as soon as dad pulled the suitcases from the back of his truck and within that moment I had never loved my parents more. They must have booked the flight as soon as they had heard at whatever ungodly hour in the morning. That was exactly what I needed, they knew I'd want to be with her. Need to be with her.

The next thing I knew I was on the plane and wishing, to some otherwordly beings that I had never really given a second thought about, wishing, praying, hoping that I could sleep. Just so I could stop thinking, but that was all I could do, everything else was white noise. I knew I wouldn't be able to comprehend anything until I knew... That was the one thing that kept running through my mind, my one wish from whoever. _Just let her be okay. Just be okay. Please._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Stupid half wits."_

The doctors wouldn't let us in for a while, it was about half eight in the morning when we arrived. Camila's family were the only ones allowed with her, they didn't seem to understand that we were family. The stupid nurses were pissing me off too, I realise that I hadn't slept in almost 24 hours and I probably stunk of alcohol, but they obviously did not realise that it was not a valid reason to keep asking me if I had wandered out of A&E and constantly asking me how I felt. There was too many times where I had just mumbled "I'm fine" at them and Dad had waved them away. It was finally when he left to ring my mother that I finally snapped.

A poor med student approached me timidly looking around at the other people in the waiting room. I must have looked like shit, I hadn't changed my clothes but Dad had given me his jacket. I hadn't fixed my make up or re-done my hair not to mention the glazed blank expression. Really I should have been more understanding to the kid but it was almost ten at this stage.

"Hey, I think you might be in the wrong place, would you like me to walk you down to emergencies?" She asked quietly kneeling down beside me, she gently placed her hand on my knee.

"Are you alright?" She smiled at me kindly but I couldn't take it.

"No I am not alright, because I am in the right place and you _stupid_ half wits keep telling me I'm not but I am supposed to be here. Okay?" I stood up and squared off with the med student.

"Here." I pointed at the ground.

"Right here, because my best friend was in a plane crash and I need to see her. She needs me in there with her, but your stupid half wit friends in the stupid white coats won't let me see her." I felt the anger surge inside me, burning me up from the inside and all the eyes boring into me on the outside. I was about to explode and I couldn't stop it.

"I am not alright because she is in there and nobody has even bothered to tell me if she is breathing, nobody has said jACK SHIT TO ME EXCEPT I THINK YOU'RE IN THE WRONG FUCKING PLACE." I let the Casanova take over, it didn't even phase me when the girl in front of me started cowering away from me. I just kept yelling and pointing.

"WELL I WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE BECAUSE I WASN'T WITH HER I WAS A THOUSAND MILES AWAY AT A STUPID PARTY AND SHE WAS ON HER OWN AND SHE WAS SCARED AND I TOLD HER IT WOULD BE FINE AND IT WASN'T AND NOW SHE'S LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED WHERE I CAN'T EVEN SEE HER AND SHE THINKS I LIED AND ABANDONED HER AND ITS MY FAULT THAT SHE'S IN THERE." I took a breath and those last few words sunk into my own brain and then my heart. I felt it break then and there.

"If I had just told her earlier she wouldn't have been on that plane, none of us would have been here right now..." My voice broke immediately and the tears flooded into my eyes.

"She's in there because of me and I could have stopped that, but I was too stupid to think. Too _selfish_ that I didn't even think about her stupid fear of flying...She's my girl and I practically put her in there and now..." I started sobbing and I felt my Dad put his arms around me. He turned me around into a hug where I broke into his arms, all of a sudden my knees were weak and he was guiding me to the chair. 

I looked up at him through the waterfalls that used to be eyes. He was trying to calm me by stroking my hair but I just needed him to know what I wanted before anything could calm me down.

" _I_... _need_... see... _her_." I hiccuped at him, probably inaudible to anyone who didn't speak sad-Lauren, which was everyone who wasn't Dad and Camz.

He nodded at me and turned his attention to the girl I had just terrorised. I turned my attention back to my knees and let out the rest of my tears.  
Have you ever gotten so upset and cried so much, that you start coughing and you feel like you're going to cough up your intestines and you just wish that your feelings would get regurgitated with everything and then you wouldn't need to cry anymore? Well this was like that but worse because I had far more than the usual amount of Lauren feelings. I wasn't used to crying let alone having a bunch of spectators watch me meltdown and breakdown almost simultaneously. It was disgusting.

 

* * *

 

Eventually I fell asleep, physically exhausted and emotionally drained. The doctors talked to Dad and filled him in, turns out that med student had gone to the doc on the ward and told him or her that we needed to be informed what was going on. Nice to know I was still intimidating even when I was crying my eyes out.  
We were let in to see her in the late evening. It must have been about half four, I was still exhausted even with my make shift nap on what was probably the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat on in my entire life, but that could also be the tiredness making me sleepy. Her family was still in there with her. They had been with her ever since the doctors took her stitched her up and put her in her own room. 

Walking through the doors was terrifying. I stuck my hand out behind me for my Dad to take a hold of. They had told us she had been injured pretty badly in the crash and wouldn't be concious for maybe even a few days. 

I could feel my heart in my mouth when I stepped into that room. My eyes firmly fixated on the ground, I wanted to see her so bad but I couldn't see her hurt.

"Lauren, Michael. Thanks for coming."

I looked up to see Alejandro shaking my fathers hand and Dad frowning and pulling him into a hug. Typical.

"We couldn't be anywhere else Al." He glanced at me and nodded Alejandro towards the door. The two men left quietly leaving me with the women of the Cabello family.

I looked over at Sinuhe who was sat with Sofia. The older woman was staring into space above her daughter she was a still as a statue, her eyes red and puffy. It was so strange to see her in such a fragile state. Sofia got up and walked towards me, I examined her as she walked towards me still trying to look anywhere but the bed. She looked relieved to see me, she smiled and hugged me, I bent down to meet her and she held me tight.

"She won't wake up without you here, I just know it." Her whisper started quite eerily as if she had forgotten how to talk, but she seemed confident of her statement. Whatever it meant. She pulled away and took my hand, pulling me towards the bed. I just watched my hand being dragged by the nine year old, still not wanting to see the state my best friend was in. 

Sofi gently placed my hand on top of Camila's and walked back over to her mum who was still staring blankly. 

"Let's get tea mama." The young girl stated taking her mothers hand and awakening her from her trance. She blinked rapidly and saw me at the bed with Camila. I tried to smile at her but it probably came out more like a grimace, which she returned. I saw her eyes flicker to Camz and our hands and I watched the sadness wash over her face.That made me even more reluctant to turn around.

"Sure honey." She smiled at her youngest daughter and walked out of the room, sending me a curt nod as she left. I watched the door swing close and stared for a while, gathering my emotions. Trying to prepare myself.

I turned around slowly and started at the bottom of the bed. It wasn't as if I eased myself into it the first thing I saw was the cast on her leg raised by a few small pillows. She was covered by the beds blanket, but just seeing her lie there made her seem so much smaller than usual. The hand I wasn't holding was also broken and the shoulder above it was wrapped up in bandages too. Then I finally got to her face. I subconsciously raised my hand to my mouth She looked pretty peaceful for someone who had gone through so much. Her hair was tied back, I could see dried blood where her parting was and felt angry that they hadn't bothered to clean it for her. She had two cuts above her left eye, the bigger one hand stitches. Her left I was bruised, black, blue and almost purple and there was another cut under it. The right side of her jaw was all bruised and grazed and she had the tiniest nick on her nose. 

Somehow she still managed to look beautiful, even with that dorky looking chin strap on and tubes up her nose. She must have broken her chin or jaw or something.. I absent-mindedly pulled a strand of hair off her face, it must have stuck with the blood.  
I rolled the IV drip towards the wall and sighing deeply I sat into the chair beside my beaten up best friend, my hand never leaving the position Sofi put it in earlier. I lay my head beside hers on the pillow and automatically started tracing a pattern on the back of her hand with my thumb. I stared to feel that stupid lump in my throat again as I tried to talk to her. 

"Camila, I... I'm sorry I didn't..."

"I wish I..." I blinked letting the tears free from my eyes, breathing in slowly I tried again.

"I'm sorry you were alone. If I could I'd take your place... You of all people.. I'm so sorry Camz." I brought my free hand up to her face and let the back of my fingers trace her face gently, avoiding all the cuts and bruises.

"Please don't be bad when you wake up... Please wake up." I felt my body shake with that one and I started to silently sob again, thank god I was alone.

" _Please_ , because I need you here..." I slowly took my hand away from her face and just watched her breathe for a while, it was kind of reassuring. I smiled slowly feeling a lot more relaxed now that I was with her.

"You hear that Cabello?" I ask raising an eyebrow towards the unconscious brunette.

"You've gotta stay here, for me. 'Cause I love you " I say simply kissing her hand and intertwining our fingers together. I lay my head down beside her again and closed my eyes, not noticing the sudden surge on the ECG machine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, feed back appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diagnoses...
> 
> _"You're the only one."_

Camila didn't wake for another three days and when she did I was the only person not there. I had been there every day since we flew in, trust my luck the one day I'd been sent home for a rest. I guess Sofi was wrong after all. Luckily enough the whole band was in LA at that stage, even Demi who had stayed close friends with us had popped it. Gosh if I could have told little fifteen year old Camila Cabello when we met that one day, Demi Lovato would be a close friend and visiting her... She probably would've slapped me, _lets be real._

The day she woke I got a call from Normani, it seemed all the girls were at the hospital when she had finally came too.

"Hey Laur, she's awake." Her tone was so calm as if she had never been worried about Camz in the first place and really she had just woken up from a nap. It was strange. I suppose she would have been the most sensible choice to call me. The Cabello's would be in with Camila filling her in on what she missed, Dinah would be spurting incoherent made up words that she would later insist were real and have us using in normal conversations, and ofcourse Ally would be thanking God. That left Normani, but still she sounded off.

"You need to be here." She said again when I didn't answer her.

"What's wrong? Is she okay?" The panic suddenly hit me.

"She's fine just get here." She said again before hanging up. I slammed my phone into my pocket and ran through the kitchen and into the garage. I hit the code into the alarm system and hit the open button for the garage door. Grabbing the keys and almost slamming myself into the drivers seat of the car. The door opened and I shoved the stick into drive and sped off, probably at a really illegal pace but I didn't care. I needed to see Camila and know she was okay, I wasn't at all reassured by Normani's phone call but the fact that she was awake was a positive sign if any.

Despite my adamancy for breaking the speed limit, that had to have been the longest drive of my life. All the lights were against me and parking at the hospital was impossible, if I wasn't me I definitely would have used public transport. When I finally got inside I bumped into that med student from the first day I arrived. We had actually become friends because I'd been in here so much (and boy, do med students have crazy hours). I apologised for my break down and we made amends.

"Hey Maura!" I smiled at her my legs frantically moving towards her.

"Hey Laur, here to see Camz? She's really chirpy, she even asked for you when I was there!" She smiled back at me her light brown locks bouncing as she spoke. Her words relaxed me immediately, I slowed to a more acceptable speed and dropped my shoulders. I greeted Maura with a hug when I reached her.

"Aw she really asked for me?" I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face. Maura giggled at me and nodded.

"Must be that smile she's looking for." She winked and continued.

"I was only in for a second I had to check her rap sheet for what anti-h... for stuff basically and she was asked everyone where her wife was?" She paused raising an eyebrow at me.

"Her Dad was just like, what who? She turned to him as if he was stupid, it was so funny you should have seen it and she just went, _Lauren... Jauregui. **Duh.**_ Everyone cracked up and that's when I left." She smiled to herself remembering the moment. Camz tended to have that effect on people, she was unforgettable. As I chuckled to myself a light bulb went on in my head.

"Hey Maura is there any chance I could borrow your coat?" I asked, while sneakily lifting the stethoscope from her pocket, she didn't even notice. She gave me another sceptical eyebrow raise and checked up and down the corridor, probably for her boss or something.

"Sure, I've a break in twenty I'll come get it back then." She smiled slipping her arms out of her white lab coat. I hung the stethoscope around my neck and slipped into the coat. Maura let out a laugh when she saw the stethoscope.

"You're such a kid... Don't worry I've got spares in my locker. See you in twenty!" She chimed as she headed off to what I would presume was the lockers.

"Thanks M!" I gave her a wave and grabbed my glasses out of my pocket, slipping them onto my nose. Once I made it to her room I let my giggles out and prepared myself. Ready, set, go. Suddenly, well from Camila's side, I burst through the doors, head slightly down aimed for the foot of her bed.

"Well Ms. Cabello let's see how you're doing this afternoon." I unhooked her medical chart from the bed and adjusted my glasses to read it. Well, try and and read it, not only are doctors handwriting the most impossible thing to read, the charts are just as bad. _And they're typed out._ I looked down at the board and couldn't help but let my eyebrows furrow together.

 

 

**Name:  Karla Camila Cabello**

**DOB: 03/03/1997**

**H/T: Miami, Fl **

**Plane Crash; DOA - 11/12/16**

**Dx:**

  * **# SFMC mandibular condylar simple**
  * **DAI - slight swell [F/U]**
  * **# Scapula~sp.**
  * **bruised ribcage**
  * **# Radius - HL**
  * **# Tibial Plateau Type. IV [F/U]**



**Rx:**

  * **Vico. tds**
  * **physio on recov.**



 

"It seems you..uh you've got a mabibublurry.." I struggled through the word on purpose and looked up at Camz to see her giggling at me with an expectant raised eyebrow.

"And you got bruised ribs, I can say that one!" I winked excitedly at her.

"Hmmm... Tibial Plato type 4.. gosh... Your legs getting all philosophical on us." I sighed towards her and she laughed out loud. It was so good to hear her laugh again, that warm encompassing belly laugh that so many other people never got to hear. I grinned at her and dropped the clipboard back onto the bed and all but ran towards her, tears again trying to escape from my eyes. I'm never this damn emotional, it's ridiculous. I pulled her into a hug while trying to be gentle, knowing she had a broken shoulder and jaw... I wasn't all looks, I listened to the doctors.

"Well I don't think I would have been too upset if you had told me I couldn't dance, because lets face it I could never dance anyway..But a phil.." I laughed, but everyone around me shot to attention. I looked around the room and everyone was strangely quiet.

"How'd you know you can't dance?" Dinah spoke up first. I laughed at her question, everyone knew Camz couldn't dance. I stopped when I realised I was the only one laughing. Everyone else was very sombre, very serious. Every single person in the room, I spun around confused taking in each expression.

"Well there's like video's..." Camila's voice caught my attention, I met her eyes and she gave me a shy smile. Only Camz could have a busted up face and still look as cute as ever.

"Of what mija?" Alejandro had come closer standing beside me, his voice sounding, almost hopeful. I frowned at him, what was up with everyone Camz was fine, she was joking around, albeit bad jokes but that was Camz, she wouldn't be any other way. Yet everyone was acting so strange. I looked back over at the girls. Ally had her cross in her hand and was pressing it to her lips, her eyes teary, face worried. Normani was sat beside where she was stood, her arm resting on the side of the chair and her hand in her hair, staring what was going on. Dinah was stood closer to us holding her arms as if she was cold, staring intently at Camz.

"Of the wedding... Why is being awful at dancing so important?" I giggled at her, her first few words not registering with me at all.

"I wouldn't say awful, you manage with the choreography." I smiled at her and turned my attention to the others.

"Why are you guys being so weird though, it's like you've seen a ghost?" They all looked at me sadly, my eyes flicked before the three of them. Dinah pursed her lips together, but Normani spoke first. The same tone she used on the phone, her voice was rough and quiet, it sounded like she was just getting her voice back from losing it.

"She doesn't remember us." Ally broke when she said that, she turned around so we couldn't see but her shoulders shook with her silent sob.

"What?" I asked pointing between myself and Camz. I felt Alejandro leave my side and sit back down beside his family, Dinah shook her head and her gaze fell upon her feet. Mani gave me a sad smile.

"You're the only one." She said before getting up and guiding Ally out, shortly followed by Dinah. My jaw dropped as I watched my bestfriends leave, I was the only what? I looked at Camz and she just sighed towards the door. I turned my attention to the Cabello's who all just shook their heads at me. I kneeled down beside Camila and took her hand gently.

"What did Mani mean Camz?" One big brown looked down at me innocently, the other squinted at me painfully, she opened her mouth and her voice with the same honest innocence.

"Lauren, I don't know them..." I looked at her, confusion undoubtedly splayed across my features.

**_"I don't know who they are."_** She reiterated, but I just continued to stare at her my mouth slightly ajar.

"Or them.." She whispered nodding behind me.

I turned to look at the Cabello's and for the first time noticed little Sofi wrapped up in her mums arms, crying silent tears. Sinuhe was holding her close, fighting tears of her own. Alejandro had his arm around his wife and youngest daughter and made brief eye contact with me, pursing his lips in acknowledgement of the information I had just received before quickly averting them to the ceiling where he blinked his own tears away. Forgotten by his own daughter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"You love her."_

The next couple of days were pretty tough. Mind you they weren't half a tough as what it was for the others. Camila was being honest, she really didn't know the girls, she didn't know her family, she didn't recognise any of her friends back home. She only knew me, just me. Why? I don't know, but I could go in and she would be completely at ease with me and we'd talk about everything and nothing. It was nice having my Camz back but it was so sad and quite worrying that she had lost everything else, she didn't know she was in a band or famous. When I told her at first she laughed at me.

  
"Did someone film me dancing and put me on youtube?" I laughed at her in return. Most of my evenings were spent like this recently, Camz in her bed and me sat beside her. Our fingers locked together and me telling her things about her life, or re-introducing her to her favourite things like movie's and music. 

"No, we're in a band.." I said slowly eyeing her up. Her bruises had healed up considerably, not completely they were still a yellowy brown, but alot better. The cuts on her face were scabbing over and driving her crazy with the itch, that was always a good sign and her skin was returning to its usual colour too.

"Really? Can I play an instrument??" She asked me excitedly her eyes brightening.

"Yeah." I giggled into her shoulder.

"It's not really that type of band, but yeah you play the guitar." Her smile widened and she took her eyes off me, they glazed over and I could see her imagination running a concert before her eyes.

"Wow..." She mumbled to herself, still in full concert mode. A content smile crept across my face as I lay my head on the edge of her pillow my eyes focusing in on our intertwined fingers. It was so good to amaze her, with herself. It was like she was finally seeing what an unbelieveable person she is and it was because she was seeing herself from the first time. I smiled at myself some more before my brain kicked in.

"Camz?" I rose to look her in the eyes, brow slightly furrowed. 

"Yeah?" 

"How... I mean, if you didn't know we're in a band..." She nodded at me encouragingly as I struggled with my sentencing.

"How do you know me?" I would have liked to ask why aswell, but she probably wasn't the person to answer that. Her eyes narrowed in shock, as if she was insulted to think she could ever forget me, but she forgot the others, what was so special about me? I know we were probably the closest out of the group, but we always have been and we never let that get in the way of our friend ships with the other three and then, like her family? Friends? It was like she had forgotten everyone and everything, except _me_.

Her features softened and she looked... sad and apologetic? I had never seen her look like this, ever. It was such a horrible thing to see I felt like I had just kicked a puppy.

"We're married." She whispered casting her eyes downwards. I was about to laugh, but I saw a tear drop onto the pillow and I had a sudden series of flash backs.

_"She was asked everyone where her **wife** was?" _

_"Lauren...Jauregui. **Duh.** "_

_"Of the wedding..."_

My jaw dropped as the images clicked together, painting the picture. Camila thought we were married. She withdrew her hand from mine slowly and looked up at me, tears streaked down her cheeks, her eyes ready with another river of tears, set to fall any second.

"Do you mind going home for today?" Her voice was barely audible.

"We can talk tomorrow..." She said, her hand sliding onto the bedside table and grabbing her phone.

"Uh... Sure.." I said uselessly, I was dumbfounded. I got up and leaned into give her the habitual goodbye kiss on her forehead but she jerked away suddenly.

" _Please don't._ " She whimpered the tears breaking out of her eyes, she turned to face the wall and I walked towards the door without another word. I turned just before I left to see her body shaking with sobs, her phone in her unbroked hand, opened on a picture of the two of us, our arms around each others waists smiley contently at the camera. I heard her cry and her thumb stroked over the picture, I watched her as she kissed her screen and held it into her chest before letting all her emotions out. I snook out after that, I couldn't watch her like that. 

I closed the door quietly and took a few steps away so Camila's crying wasn't as distinctive. I backed up against the wall and slid down onto my bum, resting my elbows on my knees, I held my had in my hands. How had this happened? Camila was completely serious, it was obvious by the way she reacted, she was so serious. She believed with all her heart that we were married. Imagine telling your life partner that you were married to have them stare blankly back at you in disbelief? To know that they only thought of you as a friend and you wouldn't have whatever you remembered having with them. It occured to me then that I had just watched Camz' heart break and I ended up doing something that I thought I wouldn't be doing again in a while. _Fucking crying._

I had just watched her heart break and it was me that did it. As weird as I found this whole situation, I wanted Camz to be happy and healthy and she was neither. It killed me to think she was in there all alone crying, over me of all things but still. I had just unbeknowingly broken my bestfriends' heart. How was I going to fix this?

I felt like I might have been sat there for years before I felt a body lower itself beside me.

"Alright?" I heard as I saw a tub of ice-cream pass in front of my eyes shortly followed by a spoon. I took them gratefully and turned to see someone I wasn't expecting.

"Oh. Yeah, well no.." I said feeling myself brimming with another wave of tears, I took my eyes of the brunnette beside me and stuffed a spoonful of ice-cream into my mouth. 

"Let me grab some stuff from my locker and we can go get some proper food okay?" I saw her smile kindly out of the corner of my eye, her hand gently stroking my hair. 

"Pwomise I won't take it ouh on ou this kime." I said with a mouthful of ice-cream, trying my best to smile up at her. I had no idea why that girl was so nice to me but it was really what I needed. I had expected one of the girls, but it would have been hard to talk to them about this. They'd have to get over the initial shock that Camila genuinely thought she was married to me, then the fact she was under the impression that she loved me and on top of that they'd all be down anyway because at least she knows who I am. I couldn't help think if the me she knows is married to her and in love with her? Then maybe that's not me, maybe she doesn't know _me_ at all. That made me really sad, so I just shovelled some more ice-cream into my mouth.

 

* * *

 

"Here, I don't want you catching a cold." Maura ducked her head into the back of her car and grabbed a jacket, flinging it in my direction. I caught it and slung it over my shoulders, it was much too big for me, obviously a boys jacket. I sighed.

"This your boyfriends?" I asked shrugging my arms through it's massive sleeves.

"Nah, it's my brothers. Don't care much for boyfriends." She smiled at me clicking the lock button on her keys and linking me as we headed towards the diner.

"Your schedule must be shit to work around too." I asked keeping up the light conversation for as long as I possibly could.

"Well there's that too.." She stopped and held the door open for me.

"But if the person's important enough, you make time for them." She added quietly her grey blue eyes lingering on mine. I gave her a small smile and went to find a booth, not realising that she was making time for me right now. We ordered our food eventually, it was pretty impossible not to find one of Camz' favourite on this menu. I'd have to suck it up eventually but it was just strange to think about right now.

"So, what happened, do you wanna talk?" Maura asked me, I watched her reflection in the window as she examined my face intently, maybe wondering if I'd break down again. That could've been why she brought me to this secluded and almost empty diner, that or I had greatly miss judged her and she was a psychotic murderer. 

"It's just Camz..." I said knowing it would be easier to handle once I spoke to someone and since Maura was offering, why not give it a try.

"She doesn't remember the others, or like her family or anything. She just remembers me and... and today I was telling her about the band..." I took my gaze off the window to meet Maura's eyes. She nodded at me encouragingly.

"She uh, she didn't know about that either, so I wondered how she knew me... You know cause we met in the band..." Maura's eyebrows furrowed in concentration, she was hanging on my evey word I was saying. 

"She uh, uhm..." I bit my lip trying to think of how to get it out.

"She thought we were married... Like she must have memories of our wedding and stuff and us being together but that never happened..." I quietened as the food was delivered to the table and mumbled a thanks to the waitress.

"Did you tell her you weren't?" Maura asked, curiously taking a sip of her tea.

"No.. I didn't have to. She knew, she knew by me asking and she knew by my reaction. You should have seen her face M, it was like I had just shattered her life. I mean, I was the only thing left, the only thing she could remember and I basically told her that was a lie and that really she doesn't remember anything. I mean, now... Now she has nothing." I looked down at my plate suddenly loosing my apetite.

"I took the last bit of her life away from her." I blinked and a tear fell onto the table. I hadn't even noticed I was tearing up, it used to be such an alien feeling to me but now that I've been doing it so often it's sort of built it's way up into being the norm.  
I felt Maura take my hand in hers, she rubbed it soothingly with her thumb. I looked up to find her smiling sadly at me.

"There must be something in there that's you, maybe she just got mixed up with some other memories and they some how... like fused together." The brunette offered kindly. I shook my head letting more of the familiar tears glide down my cheeks.

"You didn't see her face." My voice cracked with the memory.

"Her eyes. She loved me.. Does love me.. She's _in love_ with me and she thought that I loved her back and I just watched myself in her eyes stare blankly at her. It was as if I was the one that lost my memory and she had to suffer the consequences and I just... I don't know how to _fix_ it. I don't know how to get her back. I don't want to loose her Maura, I can't she's my best friend and I..." I couldn't finish my sentence, I took my hand out of the other girls grasp and covered my face. _Fucking crying again Jauregui._

"You love her." Maura finished for me. I nodded, head still in my hands and when I looked back up, the med student looked almost as sad as I felt.

"Not it the way she want's me to though and it hurts me that I can't give her that, because I just want her to be happy." I sighed and looked out the window, it was getting dark now and the stars were beginning to appear. 

"And she thinks it's with me..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been updating this real fast lately but it's cause I've been off college for a week, so it'll probably slow down for the next couple of weeks but I promise I'll keep it going. I really like the idea of this and I already have a lot of it figured out, so don't worry if I slow down.  
> Also let me know what you think, what do you guys think of Maura? What do you thinks gonna go down between Camz and Lauren? :) mucho amouré xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Since when did you get so _naughty_?!"

"Lauren? Lauren honey, wake up... Lo.." I felt a gentle push on my shoulder and came to slightly disorientated. It was my Dad, I had forgotten he had flown back over last night. He returned to Miami to arrange more time off work and fill my mother in on what had happened to Camila. He never actually got to meet her awake again, he knew by now that she couldn't remember anything except me, I had told him that much. I had only told Maura about the other part though, it felt like a more need to know thing, I don't know why.

"What?" I asked still feeling like crap about last nights revelations.

"Nice to see you too grumpy." I ignored him,I was in oneof those moods where I just waned to sleep until everyone went away.

"I got a text from Camila, asking could I visit. You wanna come with?" He smiled at me. Bless him he was excited to see the girl he called his third daughter and I think the fact that she had contacted him gave him hope. I wondered why she had contacted him, why would she want to see my dad? I didn't really care. I checked my own phone. 0 Messages.

"I'm gonna wait til she invites me over.." I sighed closing my eyes again.

"Since when have you guys ever cared about invites? Well I'll see you later then. Your mother sends her love."

"Mmmm.." I groaned and rolled over. Just go away dad. He was annoying me with his optimism and although I was nearing the end of my twentieth year of life, he was used to me being a grumpy teenager. 

"Yeah seeya later kid." He patted me on the shoulder and once I heard the door close I grabbed my laptop from under my bed. Sticking on the one movie that reminded me of Camz. 

Ally came in just as the opening credits rolled onto the screen, I hit the pause button. Camz forgetting the girls had probably hit Ally the hardest, she may have been the oldest, but she was also the softest. It hadn't stopped her from visiting Camz and reintroducing herself to her. Dinah was being strong but I think that was because she was worried about Normani. None of us really knew how Mani was taking it. She was so quiet and when is Mani ever quiet? It didn't sit well with Dinah so she was the strong one for the two of them, trying to keep normality around the house.

"You watching a movie?" Ally asked me softly from the doorway.

I smiled and nodded blinking the threatening tears away from my eyes. I opened the cover beside me and patted the bed signalling her to come join me. She smiled gratefully and closed the door behind her before getting cosy beside me. I heard her gasp a little when I hit play. I looked at her worriedly.

"This could've been made about Mila.. It always reminds me of her." She smiles at the screen as the young doe, slipped onto the screen.

"I know thats why I'm watching it." I leaned into her and she put a comforting around me as we watched the movie.  
Maybe it wasn't the best movie choice because the two of us ended up weeping before the end of it, but it made me feel slightly lighter. Like I had just reminded myself who Camila was. She was our girl and I was sure she'd find her way back to us, she was just a bit lost at the moment.

Ally sat up and took the Bambi disc out of my laptop and stuck it back in its case. She then took my laptop and slid it away from me and sat opposite me, staring me down. It was like a western stand of except first to talk lost. She knew something was up, how I don't know, but Ally had always been a watcher. She always secretly knew what was going on.

"What happened yesterday?" She asked simply. I knew I wasn't getting out of this one. So I told her and she held me and let me cry out all my tears. She didn't seem surprised at all and when I asked her had she been told this before she swore that I was the first to mention anything about this. It took a while but after Ally had calmed me down and reassured me everything would be fine and iron itself out we went to the kitchen and made brunch. A very late brunch, it was almost two and needless to say I was starving.  
Half way through cleaning up after Ally's very messy pancakes my phone buzzed and we both stopped in our tracks, both fearing and hoping the worst. I dropped my dish cloth and dried off my hands. I slowly reached across the counter to grab my phone Ally's eyes on me intently watching for my reaction. I turned and leant against the kitchen island before taking a deep breath and unlocking my phone.

NEW MESSAGE FROM CAAAAAAMMMZZZZZ<3

I heard my own breath hitch and looked up at Ally who nodded at me, obviously understanding who it was from. I hastily typed in my passcode and opened the message.

Hey its camz, just had a nice chat with your dad you can come over if you want, maybe today would be a good day to reintroduce me to pizza? :) x

I smiled happily to myself the pit of worry in my stomach evapourating into hope. I turned my phone around for Ally to read and felt it buzz in my hand, before I could react Ally had already clicked onto it and was giggling at my screen. I pulled back my phone as quick as I could and watched Ally role her eyes.

"Calm down, she's just being cute." She smiled at me before returning to the dishes in front of her.

I just realised that I'm the one who lost my memory and you obvs have my phone number so i don't know why i said "hey its camz" bit of a no brainer, huh? x

I giggled to myself and bet a reply into my phone without thinking. I heard Ally's voice and looked up to see her peeking over her shoulder at me.

"You go on ahead I'll finish up here." I gave her a classic Jauregui grin in thanks and raced back to my room to get dressed. Talking to someone who knew Camila and my relationship had taken such a weight off my shoulders. Ally was always looking out for other people, especially me and Camz, it wasn't as if we had had a complicated relationship, it had seemed quite simple at the time.

 

* * *

 

**The party had started like any other, we had gotten through to the semi finals and were absolutely ecstatic. Dinah and Normani headed straight for the dancefloor as soon as we got into the venue and I was dying to join them but I was cornered by Keaton almost as soon as we arrived. He had obviously got here at lot earlier because his face was shiny with sweat, not to mention the smudged lipstick on his neck. Keaton and I had been a short lived fling but he was still under the impression that he had a chance with me, whereas I was completely uninterested.**

**"Hey you." He smiled at me trying to work his charm. There would have been so many girls that would#ve swooned and fallen into his arms, or by the looks of it his neck, but it didn't phase me at all. I had more charm than Stromberg in my little finger and to be quite frank he was revolting.**

**"What do you want?" I asked him straight up, my hands taking his away from my hips and taking a step back. He looked at me in shock the smile dropping from his face.**

**"I.. wanted to know if you want to have some fun tonight?" He tried to recover.**

**"Yeah I do and it's gonna be with my friends, not somebody who is trying to pick me up for obvious seconds.." I said blatanly staring at his neck until he was embarrassed enough to put his hand over it. I scoffed at his ignorance and walked away set on finding the girls.** **I was surprised when I a hand grabbed mine from behind I rolled my eyes thinking it was that stupid surfer trying to talk to me again.**

 

**"Are you alright?" I relaxed as soon as I heard her voice, the unmistakable rasp flooded into my ears and caused as smile to spread across my face. I laced my fingers and pulled her up beside me and nodded at her.**

**"Looked like you took a chunk out of Keaton's ego there, I was ready to pounce if he touched you again." I rolled my eyes at the younger girl.**

**"You? Were ready to pounce on him?" I laughed and felt bad almost immediately when I saw her face drop into a frown, her bottom lip jutting out.**

**"Sorry I just can't imagine you fighting Keaton for me." I nudged her with my shoulder and gave her a thankful smile anyway.**

**"I would've made really big bite marks in his legs."She said nodding confidently. I laughed out loud and she joined in this time making me laugh even more. She started pulling me towards the bar and we both ordered cokes,the bright green bands on our wrists giving us aways as under 21's. I lifted my glass to make a toast but Camila simply shook her head at me and grabbed my hand again, dragging me off in a different direction. When we got into the bathroom she checked the stalls to make sure we were alone.**

**"Are you alright there?" I asked her eyebrow raised as she came back around the corner to where I was stood, she obviously didn't come in here to pee.**

**"So guess what?" She smiled coyly at me ignoring my initial question. I couldn't help but smile back at her, I always found Camila's moods to be contagious no matter what they were and right now she was really giddy.**

**"What?" I asked immitating her excitement.**

**"The bar man fancies me." She said sticking her tongue in the side of her cheek, I almost asked her was he cute until I saw her pull out a hip flask from behind her. My jaw dropped.**

**"Oh my god, Camila!" I whisper shouted, this was so unlike her. She was always the innocent sensible one, this was totally something I'd do.**

**"Are you using him to get alcohol? What... you don't even? Since when are you.." I shook my head and tried to stop all the questions coming out of my mouth at once.**

**"Yes. I do and since I want to have a good time and since you're my best friend..." She paused waving the flask infront of my face.**

**"And it's whiskey." She finished with a small bounce and a proud smile. I couldn't help let a small laugh of shock escape my lips. The small brunette set her glass onto the counter, opened the top of her hip flask and far too much whiskey into her coke and soon took my own drink out of my hand and repeated while I just watched her, my mouth ajar and eyes wide with amazement. She handed me back my glass and raised her own in toast with a huge smile plastered across her face. I couldn't help but return it and raise an eyebrow with my glass.**

**"Since when are you so _naughty_?"I laughed at her before taking a swig of what I could only assume was at least a triple whiskey. Looking back up I found brown eyes watching me, I couldn't help but admire Camz as she knocked back another gulp of her drink. Her face didn't even contort at the amount of alcohol she had just consumed. Her big brown eyes were just fixated on me, she just winked. Gosh, this was a whole new side to Camila, drinking, flirting, confident. She even seemed comfortable doing this.**

**"Have you done this before?" I asked cheekily not even hiding my surpise.**  
 **Even more shockingly the younger girl lowered her glass slowly and bit her lip giving me another slow wink before turning on her heel and leaving the bathroom making me need to follow.**

**It was a nice change to the usually timid nervous best friend I was used to. Throughout the course of the night the two of us formed a routine. Camila would go to the bar and sneakily hand her suitor her flask and order us two cokes. We'd then go into the bathroom and fill half our cokes with the whiskey and return to the other girls at the booth. I don't think anyone suspected anything until Camila stood up abruptly and wobbled around to my side of the table where I was chatting with Dinah.**

**"Whoa Chancho!" Dinah's eyes widened and I spun around to see Camz behind me on one knee. I looked around to see if anyone had seen her fall but everyone was acting normal, maybe she had made it looked graceful. I internally slapped myself, Camz being graceful was a very rare thing. I smiled at the girl gazing up at me. She took one of my hands and gently held it in between both of hers, tenderly caressing the back of it with her thumbs.**

**"Lauren Jauregui..." Her voice was very serious and not at all slurred and I felt a small flutter in my chest in anticipation of what she as going to say next.**

**"Would you do me the extreme honour.." I let a smile grow across my face, I don't think I had ever really noticed until then but Camila was really beautiful. I mean everyone in the group was, it was a very attractive group and sometimes I felt so out of place but there was just something about Camila. She had that constant cute and sweet thing going for her, especially with her bows and her dimples. I felt my eyes wander her figure, the strobes flashing behind her making her hair shine beautifully. Tonight, especially tonight, she was so sexy. I mean how can you be cute and sweet and sexy at the same time. She just seemed so wild and free and cheeky and that wink that she kept sending me? Not to mention everytime she wanted to tell me something she would pull me close and let her lips graze off my ear. I was really enjoying this side of Camila, it was so infectious. Her raspy voice snapped me back to reality and I felt the smile grow into a grin as I heard her next sentence.**

**"Of boogying with me?" She finished, finally breaking her faux serious face. I nodded enthusiastically and got up off my seat.**

**My eyes followed Camila intently, until I realised how rude it must have looked to the other girls. I glanced back to see Ally pulling Dinah back to her seat, she was obviously trying to follow us to the dance floor. My foggy brain tried to think of why Ally would pull her back, but came up blank. I watched her lean across Normani to say something to Dinah before returning my attention to Camila who was still pulling me towards the dancefloor.**

**When did Camila ever want to dance? She usually avoided it with a passion. Walking down the stairs to the dancefloor I found my eyes falling upon Camila's hips and the way they swung as she tackled each step, it was a hypnotic movement and I couldn't take my eyes off her. I think my original intention was to watch her footing so I could catch her if she fell but now with my bottom lip between my teeth and my eyes flicking between Camila's hips and her perfectly shaped bottom, I mused that this was much better. I was so hypnotised by her movements that I hadn't even noticed that we had reached the dancefloor and that Camz was smiling knowingly at me over her shoulder. She turned around slowly moving her hips in a way that I found it impossible to tear my eyes off her.**

**"Eyes up her Jauregui." She said once she was facing me. I cringed slightly knowing that it must have looked like I was checking her out, but as my eyes slowly dragged up her body taking in every inch of her I let a smile spread across my cheeks instead, because I was checking her out and I didn't care if she knew. Infact I think I wanted her to know.** **Once I reached her chocolate brown eyes and sunk into them, she made my stomach whirl by sending me another of those winks. What was she doing to me? I averted my eyes downwards and took a deep breath trying to calm myself down. I hadn't noticed but our fingers were still locked together as we swayed beside each other, I took another breath before looking up at her again. She just smiled kindly and pulled me into her as I moved my body to the music easily. I felt her breath on my ear before she spoke.**

**"Teach me?" She asked sweetly, placing my hands on her hips. I grinned at her again, this time with some blush rushing to my cheeks. That was definitely because it was so hot, yeah because she was so hot. It.. I meant it. I shook myself out of my daze and slowly started moving Camila's hips to the bass. She seemed to be getting closer and closer with each movement but I chose to ignore it. Once I thought she had the hang of it, I slowly retracted my hands and watched my work. She smiled at me proudly, I nodded in return letting her know of my approval. She started moving towards me and this time I knew I wasn't imagining it because she had a sort of intent in her eye. Just a spark of something cheeky.**

**She kept coming until our knees were connected and our hips moved in sync together, she slowly moved one of her hands around to the small of my back and I felt that blush creep up even more. I closed my eyes to avoid her intense eye-lock and just felt my way til the end of the song and the next, until I felt dizzy and had to lock my eyes onto something and Camila's eyes turned into my anchors. We danced like that for another few songs until Camila's confidence grew once more and she turned around and had her back facing me, still using what I had taught her to stay in time with the music, she pushed back into me and willed me to dance with her. I was speechless, as if I had been hit my a train, my mouth was open and I could feel a pool of saliva forming as I watched and felt my best friend grind up against me. I quickly shut my mouth and tried to distance myself from her but she wasn't having any of it.**

**Camz reached backwards and grabbed my hands, pulling herself closer to me again. She placed my hands on her waist and wiggled so they slid easily under her shirt. I took the hint and danced with her letting my hands roam her bare abdomen. The brunette's hands slowly rose into the air letting me feel the muscles in her stomach, she backed up into me impossibly closer. Grinding against my center she moved one of her hands back towards me and used it to pull my head over her shoulder. I subconscioulsy began to move slower, my head was tilted towards hers poised as if I was going to whisper something in her ear. Her hand was on the other side of my head tangled into my hair and occasionally scratching my scalp, making me roll my body against hers everytime. I watched her intently as she danced, eyes closed, her lips slightly parted. She was so beautiful, she was so sexy and she was my best friend so I should not have been having these thoughts. Yet I couldn't take my eyes off her and when she opened her eyes and moved her head to face me all of those nagging voices in my head were erradicated. It was a sensational feeling having her ass grind into me, her fingers scratch my head and now, to have her nose touching mine, her hot breath on my lips. I felt my lip curve back between my teeth again as my eyes locked onto hers.**

**I don't know how long we stayed dancing like that, song after song, just staring at each other. We barely noticed that the dance floor was almost empty until we heard a whistle from behind us. I jumped as if I had been doing something wrong and almost kicked myself thinking that Camila would be hurt by it but she simply stood behind me and held my hand as I turned around to see who had whistled at us, ready to yell all the obsceneties I had in my vocabulary. Ofcourse it was Keaton I should have known, I just rolled my eyes and ignored him because nobody had seen anyway, the dancefloor was empty as was the balcony where he was stood. I turned around to Camila who I think was never really looking at Keaton because her eyes were trained on me before mine found hers. I pulled her in a breathed into her ear, making her shiver.**

**"Lets find the girls." I pulled back and watched her reaction, she looked sad but nodded anyway and we headed towards the stairs ignoring whatever Keaton was saying to us.**  
 **I smiled when I saw the others still sat in the booth, in deep conversation with one another. Normani was the first to see us and she gave the others a quick nudge before giving us a welcoming smile. I returned it and sat down in the same seat as earlier and to my surprise Camz sat on top of me instead of returning to her seat, it wasn't an odd thing or an unwelcomed thing, it just took me by surprise because there was a free space beside Ally that she didn't take.**

**We joined in chatting with the girls for a while but I couldn't really concentrate on what anyone was saying, Camila's hand had travelled to the nape of my neck and was tracing delicate patterns with the tips of her fingers. It was so distracting but it felt so good so I wasn't going to tell her to stop.**  
 **It wasn't long until we left anyway, the club was probably closing up soon seeing as the majority of the party goers had left earlier. We got a car back to the house and the air hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only was it devastatingly cold outside, it made the alcohol in my system jump into hyperdrive making the ride back to the house, less than comfortable. Camila whoever who sat beside the whole way seemed fine. I wondered how she could hold her drink so well, she never spoke of going to parties and drinking or her parents letting her drink in the house. She was quite the puzzle sometimes. I smiled goofily at her and she leaned into my ear once more.**

**"You okay gorgeous?" I giggled at her remark and nodded.**

**"Yeah just cold." I smiled again, not taking my eyes off hers. She held my stare and smiled until the car stopped. She got out first and helped me out, taking my hand and gently helping me find my feet. I took a few steps towards the door and heard her close my door behind me.**  
 **I walked slower letting her catch up on me and when she did I felt her jacket being draped over my shoulders, she smiled and pulled me into her letting me lean on her as we made our way towards the doors, the other girls in tow.**

**"I really don't want this night to end, it's been so much fun." Camz said as she pushed through the front door.**

**"Come up to my room and we can keep dancing!" I replied excitedly as the other girls giggled their way into the hall. They quitened suddenly when they saw Camila and I. I turned to give them a questioning look but Ally spoke up before I could ask anything. My brain felt fuzzy and I leant against the counter for support.**

**"I'm gonna go to bed cause I'm really tired. I think my hearings gone a bit funny from how loud that club was too... Anyway, night guys." She said smiling at everyone before turning back to me.**

**"Behave." She said quietly. I heard Dinah giggle and watched her as she grabbed Mani.**

**"We're off too guys, see you in the morning." She said winking towards me. I smiled back at them cluelessly, my eyes suddenly feeling really tired with all this talk of bed.**

**"Niiiighhtss." I slurred towards the stairs as the girls all dissappeared up them.**

**I felt the warmth of another body come up behind me, I couldn't help but press into her and it felt so good. No wonder she had been doing it to me all night. I let my ass grind into Camila once more and I heard a hum of satisfaction from the other girl, making me feel proud.**

**"Lets go to bed too, nevermind the dancing." She whispered into my ear, the husk even more prominent. I swooned a little as I felt her arm hook around my waist and pull me into a discreet thrust. She let a small gasp out into my ear and I almost dragged her up the stairs I moved so fast. I don't know what had got a hold of me, but I knew that I just wanted to do anything that she told me to.**

**I could feel my eyelids getting heavier as I climbed each stair, Camila's fingers stroking a steady pattern on the back of my hand. We reached her room and I turned to say goodnight, my body just wanting to be close to hers. I pulled her into a hug and admired how our bodies fit so perfectly together, like two pieces of the same puzzle.**

**"What are you doing?" Camila asked me quitely. I tried to form words but my mouth wouldn't allow much to come out, even though my brain was working overtime to try and kep upwith the nights events.**

**"Night??" I asked stupidly, I could have kicked myself. I must have sounded like some goon.**

**"Yeah, with me though. I'm not letting you sleep on your own in this state." She said softly opening her door and pulling me into her room. It had been a while since I'd been in here, it seemed considerably darker than I remembered. I quickly scanned the room to see what was different, she had moved her bed away from the window, it was now in the centre of the room with a small bedside lamp on one side and a bookcase on the other. I smiled widely when my eyes landed on a picture of Camz and I. It looked like it was from an after show interview and we had our arms around each other. I smiled goofily turning back around to her, before falling back onto the bed.**

**I lay down and my eyes fluttered closed, I struggled to stay conscious the alcohol in my system making every inch of my body feel warmer, yet there was certain place where my skin was burning. I slowly opened my eyes to find Camila on her knees beside me, untying my shoes. Her fingers gently brushing off my legs. I watched her as she gently took them off and placed them beside her wardrobe. She took out some pajamas bottoms and slid them on me before asking me to lift my arms so she could take my dress off over my head. I hummed in agreement with her movements. It didn't take long for her to dress me, I was more than willing. I shimmied my way to the topof the bed so I was sat upright. I watched as Camila crossed her room to her wardrobe, she bent down and pulled open her bottom draw. I smirked to myself at the marvelous view I was given and the show that entailed as Camila slowly pulled down her tight jeans. She turned around and caught me staring at her, I wasn't even sober enough to hide my gaping smile and dark eyes.**

**"Lauren..." She hissed rolling her eyes at me and pulling her pajamas over her perfectly plump ass.**

**I looked up but she had already turned back around and was searching for a pajama top in her draw. I got up as quietly as possible and tip toed across her floor, I was close enough to smell the shampoo in her hair when she dropped her shirt to the floor revealing her bare skin. The only bit that was covered was a small horizontal piece of black material that belonged to her strapless bra. I felt my hands rush to her arms to prevent her from putting on her other top. At first she froze at my touch but relaxed once I moved my head to her shoulder. I took in her scent again and it was classic Camila. Strawberries and cream in her hair and a hint of vanila on her skin. I moved in closer to her neck and realised that I couldn't smell any alcohol on her at all. Well there was an overbearing presence of the scent on my clothes but there was very little that lingered with Camila. I raised an eyebrow in confusion.**

**"Did you even drinkie?" I asked my sentence slurring together into two different words.**

**The brunette turned around to face be and slowly hooked her arms around my neck, her eyes never leaving mine.**

**"Are you gonna remember this in the morning?" She asked making my eyebrows furrow in concentration, mulling over her question.**

**"No... Probs not.." I said slowly shaking my head.**

**"Well then no, I only had like two.." She whispered winking at me her, cheeks reddening slightly.**

**"Did you get me drunk?" I asked my mouth opening in shock, but a smile still playing on the corners of my lips. For the first time tonight I saw old Camila flashback into herself as she quickly averted her eyes and blushed even more.**

**"Yeah." She finally whispered her eyes locking back onto mine.**

**"Why?"**

**"To see." She winked mysteriously at me. Before trying to back out of my grasp and put her pajama top on.**

**"Wait!" I said suddenly, a lot louder than I had intended. She looked back at me, her eyes hopeful but confused. I panicked not knowing what I wanted. I pulled her into a hug and let my hands wander her skin, maybe holding her a little too long, but she was so warm and soft and I just couldn't help it. I eventually pulled back slowly and brushed my hands over her hips, my eyes soon followed and my fingers traced her bodies contours. The muscles on her stomach wear beautiful and she had such a cute bellybutton. My hands wandered lower and I admired the slight dip beside her hipbones, I pushed in slightly. I don't know why I guess it could have been curiosity, maybe it was a habit, maybe I wanted to evoke a reaction from Camila, whatever it was that was the effect it had on her.**

**I heard her gasp and she leaned into me slightly. Her head fell against my shoulder and I looked down at her smirking as I added some more pressure to her hips. She moaned into my neck and my head turned to face hers, our noses touching. My foggy eyes, staring into hers. I examined her face as my left hand subconsciously roamed up her closing more of the unbearable gap between our bodies. My eyes were drawn into her lips, like a moth to a flame.**

**They were still red from her lipstick, slightly parted, her bottom lip jutting out more than her top one which was perfectly shaped, the right amount of curve with that cute little 'v' shaped dimple in the centre. I felt an unbelievable compulsion to close what was left of the gap between us and make our lips connect. We must have stood there for a short eternity, I thought maybe we were closing that impossible distance aswell but that could have been my imagination. I reluctantly backed away when confusion started to swallow my mind. What was I thinking? This was my bestfriend, she was the person I was closest to and I was almost ruining it with a stupid drunken mishap. I took my hands away from her and turned towards the bed rolling my eyes. I was always the horny drunk I should have known. How could I be so selfish and stupid?!**

**I climbed into bed and shut my eyes tight. I heard Camila sigh before switching out the light and climbing into bed behind me. Her arm snaked around my stomach and I immediately tensed up, I didn't think it was noticeable until I felt the brunette behind me shift uncomfortably and try to retract her arm back to her side of the bed. I grabbed it quickly and sighed not wanting to act like a dick just because my brain was thinking like a dick because I was drunk. Our friendship was usually this cuddley so I shouldn't have reacted so weirdly, I didn't want to mess up our friendship more than this stupid night probably already had. I thought back to me handling Camila on the dancefloor. I was such an idiot, I must have seemed like such a douche feeling up my bestfriend and not at all discreetly. She wasn't even drunk and I had taken advantage of her, she was probably the sweetest person I knew and I had been all over her. I swallowed my guilt, disgusted with myself. I knew I had to make it up to her somehow.**

**"What's wrong Lo?" I heard her soft tone, snapping me back to reality.**

**"Nothing, just trying to sleep." _Lie._**

**"Don't lie to me Lo..." _Dammit._**

**"Shhh Camz it's sleepy time." I said putting on my best fake yawn. The other girl gave me an irritated moan and pulled needily at my shirt. I rolled my eyes but obligingly turned over to face her. My eyes had adjusted to the dark and I could see her features in the dim light, her dark brown eyes softened with worry for me. Why was she always so goddamn caring even when I had been such creep all night, I imagined myself as a dirty old man trying to get with a sweet and innocent Camz. I winced in disgust.**

**"I'm sorry for tonight..." I whispered quietly my eyes focused on the pillow beside my head.**

**"For what?! That was one of the best nights I've had since I've come here!" My eyebrows furrowed in confusion.**

**"Really?"**

**"Yeah the other one was our first night. When we first got to know each other, that was so much fun." I smiled at the memory with her, we had played every game under the sun until we knew everyone's darkest secrets. Well, almost.**

**"Oh okay..."**

**"What were you apologizing for though?" She paused until I looked her in the eye.**

**"Really?"**

**"I thought maybe, I'd like.. taken advantage or something of the fact that we were both drinking." I grimanced at my own words, I watched her intently as she reacted to my sentence. She bit her lip and looked down, blush creeping up her cheeks. I felt my drunken half get turned on, she was so cute yet so sexy at the same time. I couldn't help but imagine her teeth closing around my own lips instead of hers. I tore my eyes off her lips when I saw her look up at me again. I was totally caught, my reactions were still far too slow.**

**"Promise you won't remember this? And if you do, pretend you don't?" Her whisper was even raspier than her ordinary speaking voice and it stung a sort of light warm sensation to the tips of my toes and fingers. I could only nod at her.**

**"I'm pretty sure I was the one who took advantage of you... I did get you drunk after all." She smiled coyly at me. Her confidence wasn't as prominent as it had been earlier, there were parts of the usual nervous Camz seeping back into the conversation and I loved that.**

**"I kinda loved tonight and I would totally take advantage of that... of you, again, because it was unbelievable... Every second of it." She finished with an almost inaudible whisper, her brown eyes burning into mine. I stared back, I was swallowed by her words. Completely shocked and I knew I would kick myself if I kept my promise and forgot what she had said in the morning. I kept my eyes buried in hers, her words replaying over and over again. It was ages before either of us spoke again. All of a sudden Camila seemed shaky again, nervous and excited all at once.**

**"Why do you look at me like that?"**

**"Like what?" I asked not taking my eyes off her.**

**"Like you never want to look away?" She asked honestly. I pondered her question for a moment, taking in her entire expression. All her features, her soft caring eyes, covered by her perfectly shaped eyebrows not near as wild and bushy as my own. Her smile, with her cute little dimples, she was beautiful, so beautiful. I think that was what pushed me to answer as honestly as I did, I was so taken by her natural beauty in the half light of her bedroom. Even the way the shadows were casting across her face, not once did her face contort to something anything less than beautiful. At least to my eyes.**

**"'Cause sometimes... Sometimes I don't." She waited for me to continue.**

**"You make stuff easier, you know? All, this." She smiled a big broad smile, the one nobody else had seen yet. She saved it for me, she told me that once.**

**She had told me I know all the right things to say and when I get it perfect I get that special smile. I loved seeing it plastered across her face. Sometimes it would sneak across her cheeks when I whispered encouraging things in her ear when we had to perform or during interviews. I loved having that power, being able to make her that happy.** **She moved forward and my heart jumped into my throat. I closed my eyes tight and held my breath in anticipation until I felt her nose, gently rub off** **mine.**

**"You're special to me." She said before unscrunching her nose and returning her head to the pillow. I gave her a warm smile in return.**

**"You're pretty important too sweets." I said knowing she'd understand.**

**"Sweets?" She questioned.**

**"Yeah, Sweets." I affirmed confidently.**

**"Why?"**

**"Cause you're sweet and tasty and like a selection of different wonderful things and there is always at least one bit of you that someone will love about you. You're sweets. Candy just sounds weird and then sweet like.. sweet." I blushed a little I guess I had forgotten myself that I still had a questionable amount of alcohol in my system. I watched the smaller girl in front of me as she giggled at my answer before replying.**

**"Hmmm.." he mused dramatically.**

**"I guess that makes you puppies."**

**"What?!" I almost spat in shock.**

**"Because you're just so cute and you're so loyal to me and I wanna cuddle you all the time and you're like all fluffy, just on the inside though.." I smiled as the brown eyed girl thought out loud.**

**"That's really cute, but you cant call me puppies." My heart sank as her expression turned from a proud smile to a dissappointed pout.**

**"Why not?" She asked stubbornly her bottom lip jutting out in annoyance. I almost overloaded with her cuteness.**

**"Cause it'll ruin my badass reputation." I winked at her.**

**"Oh and 'sweets' won't ruin mine?!"**

**"Camz you don't have a badass reputation..."**

**"...I know." She paused and we both burst out laughing, that was one of the things I loved about Camila, our sense of humours were both on a par where we didn't even have to say the punchline because our brains worked in the same way. We just got each other.**

**When we finally stopped laughing I found myself yawning for real and a wash of drowsiness suddenly washing over me. I quietly sunk into my pillow, still facing the beautiful girl opposite me. I felt bad she seemed wide awake.**

**"Night sweets..." Was all I managed before letting my heavy eyelids win their war.**

**"I'll have to work on a nickname for you won't I love?" I smiled sleepily at her sentence, if I wasn't half asleep I would have raised an eyebrow at her but all I could manage was a sleepy word.**

**"Love?"**

**"I said Lo." She replied quickly.**

**"Lo?" I whispered, not liking the difference on my tongue as I said it.**

**"Lo..." That was the last thing I heard before drifting into a familiar dream, with a familiar face and voice.**

**"Lo, I love you." I heard Camila say to me, I tried opening my eyes but when I did I was met with the sight of my unconscious bestfriend. Must have been a dream, but I mumbled back to her anyway, sleepy slurred and almost as quiet as a mouse, but I still somehow hoped she would hear it.**  
 **"Love you too Camz."**

* * *

  
I passed my dads car in the parking lot and he gave me a honk of his horn accompanied by a sweet smile and a wave. That improved my already wonderful mood. I hadn't thought that Camila was going to ring me for a while. I had thought maybe she wouldn't call me at all and maybe she had contacted my dad so he could break the news to me but none of that had come true and I was unbelievably grateful. 

I had picked up some hawaiin pizza on my way to the hospital so I could "re-introduce" Camz to it, as she had put. She knew she loved pizza but she had just forgotten what it taste like and since the hospital wasn't up for serving her any, we had agreed to sneak some in. I guess today was a good a day as any.  
I could feel myself exaggerating my movements as I walked into her room, I must have looked like the fucking pink panther or something, but it worked because I heard her giggle as I tried to take out the massive pizza boxes from under my classic leather jacket. I moved swiftly bringing her bed-table across her lap and placing her pizza box ontop of it before pulling out a plethora of her favourite sauces from my pocket along with a can of coke from my bag. 

"A whole one to myself?" She said in awe staring at the sixteen inch wheel of grease in front of her. 

"Are you kidding? I don't get a single slice when you're near one of these.." I smiled at her coyly.

"And I don't like pineapple." I added quickly, blushing a little when she shot me a thankful smile. I felt almost embarrassed in her presence, I usually had a nervous energy that kept me going but I felt like it was magnified under her doe brown eyes. 

"You could have got a different one!"

"I did that's why I got two?"

"I meant for us to share..."

"Oh right, yeah but.. Hawaiin's your favourite and I didn't wan't you to miss out. You know?"

"You're cute." She said simply smiling at me.

We ate our pizzas in almost silence, the occasionaly moan leaving Camila's mouth. It turned out that she did eat the entire pizza to herself. We sat there comfortably for a while, admiring our bloated stomachs, I somehow managed to polish my pizza before Camz had. I think she was savouring each slice just incase she forgot again. Not long after finishing we slipped into ouor usual easy flow of conversation, everything at nothing, of the most importance and the least all at the same time. I loved days like this, just chilling with my bestfriend, but I couldn't help feel like our last conversation was hanging over us.I knew we'd have to talk about it eventually. I suppose now was a good a time as any.

"So did you have a nice chat with my Dad?" I asked innocently trying to sound nonchalant.

"Yeah he's still as sweet as ever." Camz smiled that wide, truly happy smile. I couldn't help but return a smile of my own.

"Still? You remember him?" Genuine curiosity spread across my features.

"How could I not? He and Clara was aways so good to me, especially after my dad... after..." She frowned for a second, trying to remember what her dad was.

"Oh my god." Her brown eyes widened, her pupils dialating with the extra light.

"Are you okay?" I asked my own brow pinched in worry. The little brunette in front of me just frowned, her eyes tearing up, it took her a while but she gave her head a slight shake. I took her hand in mine and slowly smoothed out her skin, hoping she would still be able understand what I meant without words. Sure enough, she opened up to me almost immediately.

"After he died... Lauren he died...I remember the pain and it's..." 

"Aw honey don't worry your dads fine, he's fine he's been here since you crashed you just can't remember him." I tried to sooth her quickly, it was an automatic reaction to upset-camz but I was worried myself, the look in her eyes when she had told me. As if it was something she had actually been through.

"Lauren, you don't understand. I just... I remember him." She stared down at our intertwined hands.

"I know him, my Papi.. Alejandro Cabello. He was always so good to me, the best man in my life. I always said that. I remember him being there and I remember him being taken from us... I know that sounds stupid but..." The realization on her face hurt me, it was so real.

"I know it happened. Or.. no it happened. Just like everything else I rememeber. I know its true. I'm not making it up, it's not an outcome of this stupid crash. It happened, it's real. Was... Is... Will be.." She finished slowly looking up at me, tears etching their way down her rosy cheeks.

"I know I sound crazy, but these are things I know. I know they are real, but people are telling me they aren't. So that only brings me to one other conclusion. If I know they are real, but nobody else knows about them... Then they just haven't happened yet." I frowned at the brunette's logic. Smiling sadly at her I decided to inquire more, sticking to my original plan. She obvioulsy needed to get this off her chest and it just so happened that it alligned with what I wanted to talk to her about.

"So your dad's gonna... gonna die?" I asked quietly, scared of my own words.

"Yeah...I think...It's not..." I watched her closely as her eyes flickered from side to side, replaying images in her head over and over. 

"It's not that long now..." She whispered sadly. 

"How do you know?" 

"Because, he wasn't there for.. He didn't uhm.." She stuttered awkwardly trying to find her way around her sentence.

"Tell you later." 

"Okay... Did you just remember it there?" I asked slowly. She nodded.

"I just remembered him... His face... What he said to me before.." Another glistening tear rolled down her perfectly sculpted cheeks. I wanted so badly to brush it off, but I knew I couldn't give her, mixed signals. It'd be like planting false hopes, set for failure. I merely sat beside her quietly watching her as her hand rose to her lips.

"Your Dad... I knew him anyway.. Like already, that's why I text him, I knew him. Know him." She corrected herself.

"Yeah?" I smiled at her.

"How's that?" She looked at me with the same pained look in her eye as yesterday before giving me a soft smile and returning her gaze straigh ahead.

"He walked me down the aisle, because my Papi couldn't." She said simply staying composed this time.

"Camz..." I started softly. I don't know what I thought I was going to say. She knew by now that I was completely un-aware of our "marraige" and that I didn't feel those types of feelings towards girls, let alone her. Still she stopped me before I could form a full sentence.

"No Lo. Were you not listening? There's some things that I know. I know, because they happened... Will happen, whatever. I know this is a bit of a weird way for you to find out but we, you and I, are going to get married." I smiled at her trying not to show complete distaste on my phone.

"I don't think you realise how weird that sounds to me.."

"Yeah, well it won't be then because you're the one who asks me." 

"What?" I asked, almost shocked with my alternate self. I always thought I'd be the one getting proposed to, I suppose I always imagined a man too, but other me was just wild. It made me curious.

"And how did I do that?" I smile cheekily at the short girl lying infront of me.

"I can't give you ideas now... That's like cheating." She smiled at me, perhaps glad that this time I hadn't tried to deny it. 

It was strange talking to Camila like this, about these things in particular, but there was something nice about it too. Not to mention the progress she had made. She actually remembered two more people today, perhaps I was better for her than any of the doctors in here ever could be. She was after all my Camz and not theirs.  
It wasn't til a lot later that I got up to leave. 

"Wait Lo..." Camz almost jumped just before I reached the door for the hall. 

"I just..." She sighed heavily before actually making eye contact with me.

"I know you don't believe me, but I believe me. I'm not even at the stage where I think I'm right, because I know I am. There is not a doubt in my mind that we are not going to end up together and just because I'm in this hospital bed and will be for a while doesn't mean that I'm not gonna prove to you that we're meant to be together. I know it's a lot to take in, but I just wanted to make sure that you don't think this is some kind of prank, because it's not I'm serious. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I know that it happens and just because you're as stubborn as an ox doesn't mean that any of that is gonna change... _Okay?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I realise this is longer than all the other chapters put together, but its all very important. Promise :) R&R x


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so i'm not happy with how it finished but it wouldve been so long if i didn't stop there.. Oh & from now on if there's a flashback it's going to be bold & italicised, I just wanted to say it before I confused anyone. (:  
> Also there won't be flashbacks every chapter but because I've skipped a couple of years I obvs need to fill you guys in and it just happened to be two chapters in a row. Anyway thanks so much for reading, love you guys :) x
> 
> ps there's also some things that I've got canon that probs aren't normal.. I think you see the first one in here and I just.. bare with me, everything is important ;) okay bye for reals this time :) x
> 
> pps just re read and oh my god all the jokes about being straight after bc gay i dont wanna give it away but ha

I don't know how I reacted to Camila's confession. Or I mean, I don't know how I _didn't_ react. I wasn't expecting to be so out there with it. I mean this girl was usually jittery and nervous and hated talking about her feelings. She was almost as bad as me. I wasn't exactly shocked either though, having known Camila for the most important years of my life, we had grown so close I knew her inside out and we were similar in so many ways yet still so different. We shared a stubborn streak, I'll be honest and admit that mine is a lot more prominent, Camz is a subtle sort of stubborn she is way classier about it. I think I subconsciouly knew she wouldn't let the idea of us being married go, however as much as I wanted her to have forgotten about it. I think she was pretty fed up with forgetting things to be honest.

  
What I was shocked with, like I said, was how I reacted. My stubborn streak usually leads me into conflict. Even with the kind-hearted-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly brunette I was so close with, but instead of arguing with her, instead of being upset at her for bringing it up again; I just let her be. I nodded my head and gave her a quiet _"okay"_ before saying goodbye and leaving her room. I don't know if it was because I admired her courage for telling me straight up what she was feeling, or if I was flattered by her passion, _no_ it definitely couldn't be that one. Maybe it was because I was glad she had finally given me an answer to what I was wondering for what seemed like such a torturous amount of time, or maybe it was something entirely different. Whatever it was, I didn't breathe a word.

  
Neither of us mentioned it directly on my next few visits to the hospital either. I was slowly getting used to Camila's subtle hints and reference's to our "relationship". Every now and then there'd be a "Oh like that time we..I mean, there will be a time.." or "You'll change your mind about that when.." and I was even getting used to all the pet names she was calling me. I didn't realise it but she was setting me up for a conversation that if had I known was coming, I think I would have avoided. She was sparking my interest enough to make me ask the questions, it was cheeky as hell, but it worked.

  
It wasn't until she had healed up and been let out of the hospital, that the plan she had set in motion finally achieved it's end goal. She wasn't mended completely ofcourse, with the amount of injuries she had aquired she was still going back to the hospital for physio and check-ups, she had an appointment almost every week. The clumsy brunette was also hobbling around on crutches because of her broken leg. She was lucky she wasn't put in a wheelchair, but to be honest I think that might have been safer for the house and maybe even Camz herself. She was treacherous on those sticks.

  
"Hey Babe." Her all too familiar voice almost yelled at me, her headphones were in and she was swinging her body towards me dangerously too fast for a semi-crippled person.

"Camz..." I rolled my eyes at her affectionate name for me, I may be used to it but I still tried to discourage her. I'd never admit it but sometimes I'd believe her, just hearing her say the sweetest things to me so naturally and easily to me, sometimes it just surprised me. For such an awkward person she found saying these embarrassing things completely not awkward and not embarrassing, it made me uneasy how the little things backed up her ridiculous story.

"Camz?" I asked waving my hand to get her attention, it worked but I immediately regretted it as she tried to wave back bringing her crutch up with her hand and throwing herself completely off balance. I swear I'm going to kill whoever gave her those stupid things she's just going to cripple herself even more. 

I surged forward and caught her before she could do any real damage. She smiled at me thankfully, followed my a subtle lip bite and her eyes quickly searching my eyes for some sort of recognition. She giggled and quickly averted my gaze before fixing herself up and pulling her head phones off her ears. I smiled as I heard one of our first songs from our EP. She had been sentenced to listening to all of our old songs so she could re-learn them. She had insisted that we continue with the band as soon as she possibly could even though we had all agreed that if it was something she wasn't ready to do or perhaps didn't even want to do that we would all take a break from our hectic lives as popstars. Luckily we didn't have to because Camila had shot down the idea immediately, she had been working so hard to get to know the other girls as well as she used aswell. She was remembering things gradually, there was one day where Dinah had slipped into her typical DJ slang and screamed 'Chancho' at Camila when she had been dancing in the living room on her stupid crutches. The shorter brunette had spun around almost immediately with a bright spark in her eye, a memory. She screamed 'Cheechee' back at her before hopping up and down excitedly. It was so heartwarming watching her remember the things and people she loved, sometimes I felt jealous that she wouldn't get that about me because of the stupid 'marraige' thing... I shook my head and tried not to let it get to me.

"What you laughing at?" I smiled at her concentrating myself back on the doe eyed brunette in front of me.

"Hmmm... Nothing." She smiled at me not quite meeting my eyes.

"Aw come on Camz tell me!" I moaned poking her in the shoulder. She wriggled away and watched me as I let my questioning eyes focus on hers.

"I just fell for you again." She winked before trying to put her headphones back on.

" _Again?_ " I asked my eyebrows raising instead of there usual faux annoyed roll into the back of my head. I watched as Camz let her hand drop leaving her headphones around her neck, her hair tucked under them and her overgrown fringe flicking out over them, even at 19 she was just as cute as the 15 year old I had met all those years ago. A smile flickered at the corner of her mouth before she answered me.

"Yeah..." She said nodding slowly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"When was the first time?" I let my curiosity get the better of me and finally gave in, I should have known then by the smile that grew across her face that she had wanted me to ask her about us ever since her confession in the hospital, but like too many times in my life, I was utterly clueless.

"Uh apart from meeting you? And hearing you sing? And watching you dance? And you coming up to me and talking to me like it was no big deal? Like I was somebody cool enough to hang out with?" I rolled my eyes at her flattery and struggled to hide the blood rushing to my cheeks. I waited for her to continue, she smiled at my reaction and took in my expression before sighing and continuing.

"Do you remember the first time we kissed?" I frowned and opened my mouth to protest but she bet me to it.

"Our fir..."

"I know you're going to say it wasn't a kiss, but it was for me. It was my first and afterwards I realised that for me it was the perfect first." I couldn't help but let the memory flood back into my mind as her soft voice reached my eyes.

 

* * *

 

_**Waking up in the younger girls' bed was not an unusual occassion it was liable sometimes to happen on a regular night, sometimes Camz would crawl into my bed after a movie night or if we were having an indept conversation just so we wouldn't have to cut it short. It was cute endearing, but the nights I ended up in her bed were usually not because I won't shut up, they're usually because we've been out and Camz or I have codded the barman sometimes barmaid, into giving us drink. Ever since that first night I had realised how much I enjoyed getting drunk with Camila. Back home getting drunk was all about status, image and ofcourse boys. When I was with Camz none of those things were relevant let alone mattered to either of us and the fact that we had to keep it a secret made it even more exciting, it heightened all of our senses including how easily we became intoxicated. Well, it seemed to effect me more which still had me baffled. I didn't remember much from our first night or the few nights since then but I knew I always ended up here, in bed, with Camz the next day.** _

  
_**I watched as the sunlight crept up the bed and onto her soft brown hair it looked so fluffy and soft. I smiled to myself as I watched her eyes flutter tighter together as the bright light reached her eyelids. I could tell she was reaching that point in whatever her dream was where she had just realised it was a dream but didn't want it to end. She'd be awake soon, I didn't really want her to be though. I liked lying her watching her, it was peaceful and her steady breath relaxed me. It made me feel like everything around us was unimportant. Anything could be happening and if wouldn't effect us because we're going so slowly in this moment we're just content and comfortable and warm and close and loved. I could've been lying there for hours.** _

_**"Stop looking at me." The brunette mumbled into the pillow without opening her eyes.** _

_**"How..? No."** _

_**"Stooooppp." She turned her face into the pillow. How she knew I was looking at her was beyond me, I hadn't moved a muscle since I realised she was still asleep.** _

_**"Hmmm...No."** _

_**I watched as her messy mop of hair turned towards me her cloudy eyes finding mine.** _

_**"Oh you're still tipsy aren't you."** _

_**"How do you think I avoid the hangovers?" I reply sharply winking at the brown eyes before me.** _

_**"So you purposely get that wasted?"** _

_**"I never actually intend to not remember most of the night but it keeps happening.."** _

_**She paused searching my eyes before answering me.** _

_**"So you never remember what happensor like what we talk about or anything?" Her tone had changed drastically from teasing to shy, I watched her intently, curiously as shetucked some loose strands of hair behind her ear.** _

_**"No, I mean I remember bits and pieces, but they usualy get blurry at taxi time." Her eyes flickered with something I couldn't quite put my finger on, sadness, regret. It was something that made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't like that, so I kept talking.** _

_**"And by the way little miss perfect how come you never have hangovers. I almost sure that everytime we go out you drink almost as much as I do?" I asked genuinely puzzled. It was actually something that had bugged me for a while but I never really thought about asking, but there was no way she could hold her drink that well. I mean look at her, she's tiny! She laughed a little and smiled before answering.** _

_**"Yeah see I always have the same plan.." She started her shy smile broadening once I nodded her to continue.** _

_**" I always get you drunk when we go out so I'm not the only one making a fool of myself!" She smiled her voice dripped of sarcasm but I couldn't help but wonder if there was some truth in it, because of her little nervous laugh that followed. I laughed along with her to make her feel less awkward before hitting her lightly on the arm.** _

_**"You're such an ass Cabello."** _

_**"You're such an alco, Jauregui."** _

_**She was quick I'd give her that, but she wasn't convincing me yet. I knew I'd have to put her on the spot before I got a straight answer here. I slowly moved closer to her, letting my hand snake over her abdomen and resting it on the small of her back. I heard her gasp lightly her doe brown eyes widening impossibly bigger.** _

_**"Sorry is my hand cold?" I apologised quickly and watched curiously as Camila struggled to find an answer.** _

_**"Uh. Yeah, freezing." She mumbled, her eyes never leaving mine.** _

_**"Sorry..." I said waiting for her to say something else but she just stared at me.** _

_**"So why did you really get me drunk?" I asked raising an eyebrow at her. I saw her eyes flicker between mine, then to... Was I seeing that right? Then to my lips. She opened her mouth and I felt my confidence falter for a second as I felt her hot breath on my lips, I didn't realise I was that close to her.** _

_**"What makes you think I did get you drunk?" She asked, her voice was blank. She wasn't sarcastic anymore, she wasn't joking. She was just asking.** _

_**"Well if we drink so much that I get that plastered then there's no way you'd be conscious let alone, like... dressing me and stuff." The more I spoke about it the more I believed myself, it was utterly impossible for Camz to be drinking nearly half as much as I did those nights, especially if she only started drinking when she had told me she did. Which I definitely believed. I was snapped out of my trance when we heard a knock on the door followed by a familiar voice. Sinu's, Camila's mom.** _

_**"Breakfast Mija." She called through the door.** _

_**"Thanks Mom." Camila called without moving, her eyes fixed on the door.** _

_**"You too Lauren." I smiled as she said my name.** _

_**"Thanks Mrs. Cabello."** _

_**"For goodness sake Lauren call me Mom, you're family too." She called before her footsteps faded away from the door, she was still muttering things to herself. I moved to get up but felt Camz pulled me back down and groaned.** _

_**"I don't wanna go you woke me up and I'm still tired." She moaned at me.** _

_**"Oh come on I did not wake you up!" I laughed at her in disbelief.** _

_**"You did too you were staring loudly." She said plainly.** _

_**"Staring loudly?" She nodded at me and I rolled my eyes before moving to get up again.** _

_**"Looooooo...." She groaned again this time pouting afterwards, giving me her best puppy dog eyes.** _

_**"But KC there's foooood!" I smiled using her initials. She had once told me she loved being called by her second name and when I asked her why she had told me because it wasn't her name, because she hated her name. I told her I loved her names, all of them and I wished I could say all of them at once, so instead in using any of them I started using her initials when we were alone, just to remind her how much I loved her. I only really used it when I wanted something though, she couldn't resist it.** _

_**She smiled at my nickname for her, I could see her almost give in, but she shook her head and shut her eyes tight.** _

_**"I don't want food." I laughed out loud before I could even react, that was something Camila Cabello never said.** _

_**"What do you want then?"** _

_**"You." She said pulling on my pajama top and sticking out her bottom lip again. I laughed again this time not as boisterously.** _

_**"Well, I'll be with the food."** _

_**She stared at me some more her eyes fixed in puppy dog mode.** _

_**"Come on I'll make it up to you!" I said hopefully and knew I was a promise away from having her down in the kitchen. Her eyes lit up and her lip quivered a bit almost forming a smile.** _

_**"Come on!" I said leaning in to hug her. She pulled me in and hugged me back our bodies matching like the last piece of a jigsaw clicking into place. I closed my eyes relaxing into her before turning my head to plant a kiss on her cheek, but was met with a soft, tender, slightly curve. My first thought was that I had missed and got her in the eye by accident so I pulled back to let her adjust her position before pecking her again, my eyes still shut, but that time I felt my lips hook around her bottom lip. I kissed her softly and quickly before removing myself from my position almost on top of her.** _

_**"Sorry.. I.." I said my eyebrows furrowing at her expression, I couldn't quite read it. She was almost a happy angry, but that was such an oxymoron it completely confused me.** _

_**"Thought I got your eye." I finished before getting up and throwing on one of my hoodies that had cheekily found its way into Camila's closet. I walked towards the door and almost had my hand on the handle when I felt the brunette grab a hold of my hand and turned me to face her.** _

_**"It's okay you know?" She asked me sincerely. Tilting her head up so she was exactly in line with me. She lifted her lips to mine and left a sweet kiss on my lips.** _

_**"See it's nothing." She smiled kindly, knowing I was worried.** _

_**"We're bestfriends that's normal." She said before heading back to her closet and grabbing a pair of old vans and slipping into them. I stared at her as she shoved her feet into them. Her face was now relaxed and not at all confusing me, I could read this expression perfectly. She seemed happy, relaxed, hungry. Normal Camila. Well as normal as my Camila could be.** _

_**"I'll be down in a sec. Gotta find my phone..." She said distractedly waving me back towards the door while searching through the jacket pockets of all the clothes strewn on the floor from last night.** _

_**I left the room and headed down stairs quietly. My nose smelling bacon, my stomach growling, my heart racing, my skin tingling and my mind wondering if I had really just stolen Camila Cabello's first three kisses and if it really wasn't a big deal.** _

 

* * *

 

"It was perfect because you weren't supposed to do it." The now much older girl continued as my memories faded from my mind. 

 

"It was perfect because it was you and you weren't promising me anything, so really, you couldn't break that promise. I knew then when you left my room, that those were the lips that I wanted to wake me up in the morning." She smiled down at her cast and I couldn't help but smile back.

"I memorized your lips back then and I would spend hours with my eyes closed reliving that feeling of you pressing your lips against mine. I know it was an accident for you but to me I knew it was supposed to happen, it proved to me that there was someone else in the universe that wasn't me, that _knew_ we were supposed to be together. Even back then." She chuckled to herself.

"And that was the first time I considered what I felt for you was love."

"We were kids, what were we like 16.. 17? How could you have possibly known what _love_ was?" 

"Yeah we were, both. I knew because I didn't have to think about it. I didn't have to question it. I mean I had a crush on you since the start, but I mean who didn't? Everyone knew you were gorgeous everyone could see that, but I got to see how gorgeous you were on the inside. I knew you and that made you so much better for me." She smiled her eyes were gentle and her voice was soft, I was scared she'd just continue getting softer until I couldn't hear her anymore. I didn't want that to happen I was so enthralled by what she was telling me. I couldn't take my eyes off hers and I couldn't not be amazed by how much passion she spoke about our past. 

"You're perfect." She whispered and I knew I had to snap out of my trance before she came over here and kissed me or something. Sure I was flattered by her infatuation with me and when she spoke like that, about things that actually did happen it made it hard to find faults in her arguments but I couldn't lead her on. Let her think she had a chance and break her again just when she was becoming our Camz again. 

"I'm far from it and I'm really sorry, but you know... I don't want you to get your hopes up on us. I mean I know you said that... that you're sure about this but I'm sure I'm straight and I'm sure we have always just been really close friends. I don't mean to hurt you by saying this I just don't want it to hurt if you were to... you know..." I nodded at her awkwardly not wanting to finish my sentence. She shook her head at me questioningly her smile still intact even after my words.

"Pursue me or something." I said quietly, I felt the blush run to my cheeks as my hed flooded with thoughts of the brown eyed girl asking me out and buying me flowers and waking me up with breakfast in bed. I heard her laugh and looked back up at her slightly startled by her reaction.

"Aw babe..." She smiled at me widely still chuckling at me.

"You're the one who pursues me!" She giggled some more at my confused expression before grabbing a jar of nutella and a spoon from the cupboard beside her. She carefully placed the jar inbetween her chest and chin, holding it in place, before sliding the spoon between her lips. I stared mouth a jar at her until she was almost out of the room and I fully realised what she had said.

"Wait!" I said jogging to reach her.

"You know how it happens?" I asked my eyebrows still meeting in the middle of my forehead.

"You know how we get together?" I confirmed quickly not even bothering to use my usual air quotations or adding my normal "supposedly" into my sentence. The brunette's big brown eyes flickered to me as she continued to swing her body towards her favourite couch in the living room. 

"Mmmhhhmmm." She mumbled confidently through her spoon. She dropped herself onto the couch and I felt myself frozen in my spot scared of what she'd say next. She dropped the spoon from her mouth and caught it casually. She tried opening the jar and failed and I suddenly found myself next to her, arm outstretched. She placed the jar in my hand and smiled when I handed it back to her open. She stuck her spoon into it and twirled it around so her spoon was destroyed with the chocolate substance she lifted it up and held it up for me to admire, her eyes fixed on her chocolate. I watched her until her eyes looked past her spoon and into my eyes. 

"Ofcourse I do." She smiled again before pulling the spoon away and into her mouth. I watched her as her eyes stayed on mine, burning into me. She sucked the spoon clean and pulled it out of her mouth slowly. I stared at her, my mouth had fallen open again without me knowing. She half smiled and raised her eyebrow cheekily at me. I knew she knew what I was thinking, even when I didn't fully comprehend what I was thinking. She was so sexy, she was flirting with me, she was confident, she was _seducing_ me and...and it was _working_. 

I stood up straight abruptly and shut my mouth sharply. She couldn't play games with me like that. I didn't even like girls she had just messed me up with her words and niceness and then when the memories and everything was just all over the place I couldn't think straight. 

"I'm gonna wash." I said stupidly before leaving the living room quickly, I hopped up the step into the kitchen and headed for my bedroom.

"Yeah that's right Jauregui, go take a cold shower!" I heard Camila yell after me, I rolled my eyes in annoyance before shutting my door behind me.

  
I stripped down and got into the shower letting the _HOT_ water flow over my skin. I didn't really need shower I had one last night but I just needed to get away from Camz for a while. We were so intense recently. I wanted it to be back to the way it was so bad so I was constantly all over her. No that was a wrong choice of words; I was always with her and we were the same as before, very affectionate. Then I had those moments where she'd be subconsciously snaking her fingers down my ribs and that drove me insane and I don't know how she knew that because I never told anyone that and it weirded me out, because what if she was right? That scared me, so then I'd leave and pace myself when it came to her, letting the other girls get close to her, because after all I couldn't hog her. They needed her to know them again and it was unfair of me to steal all the attention when she already knew who I was. At least that's what I told myself. Really I think I was scared because everything and anything that I said or did could mean something completely different and I wouldn't know it. I had to be careful around her and I didn't like careful, I was bad at careful. 

I sighed as I got out of the shower wrapping myself in a huge towell I dried myself off and got dressed before sitting onto my bed and pulling my phone from the docking station on the bedside table. I scrolled down my contacts until I found the person I needed. 

**Hey papa, wanna go for coffee or something I need your help with something x**

I hit send and flung myself back onto my bed and listened intently waiting for my dad to reply. It sounded like the girls were back they were all laughing and chatting together. I sighed again knowing I should be in there band bonding and all that. I sat back up and looked around my room, my eyes caught on my guitar and I smiled. Camila had taught me the few chords she knew when she first started until it became a race to see who could learn their new favourite song first. We were now both adept guitarists, Camz was better than I was but I'd never admit that. I got up and grabbed it from it's stand. A little practice wouldn't go amiss, I could keep myself distracted and still be in the same room with her. I left my room phone and guitar in each hand and went out to the girls to practice. 

Turns out Sofia and Sinu were there too and little Sofi was taking after her sister in vocal talents.

"Hey Sof will you help your sis out with her bits? She's gone a bit down hill since she went loco." I winked at the miniture version of Camila and she smiled climbing ontop of her sister who smiled at me kindly. Turns out mini Cabello could wail almost as good as Camila could when we had first met. Her tone needed a little work but it was still impressive as hell for a nine year old.

"Wow." I mouthed at Camila nodding towards her little sister as I finished playing the outro of the song and Sofia did a pretty good imitation of one of Camila's runs.

"You might have a replacement there if you're not careful." I said winking again. The older Cabello sister rolled her eyes and smiled at me playfully.

"You wouldn't be able to live without me Lo, there's no way you'd survive." I laughed with her and felt my phone buzz in my pocket. 

**FROM: PAPS**

**Sure thing kiddo, bit bizzy wan2 go 4 dinner? x**

I smiled widely and rolled my eyes at his texting skills. 

"Oh what's got you so happy girl!" I heard Dinah explain and I suddenly felt everyones eyes on me. I laughed her off before replying.

"Dinner." I said smiling.

"Oh Jauregui got a date! Get it girrlll!!" She said nudging me and laughing making me laugh out loud while still writing my reply to my dad.

"With who?" I heard Camila's voice ask very seriously and I turned to her and my smile dropped when I saw her face, she looked so young all of a sudden. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair messy from leaning on her hand, her eyes were sad, hurt and I could tell she was jealous. It was stupid and really I should have been mad at her for being jealous, I wasn't hers. No matter how much she thought we were getting together, we weren't and really it would be none of her business if I was going on a date with some boy. For some reason I wasn't and I couldn't be and I felt guilty for making her feel that way.

I smiled kindly and let out a soft sigh before addressing everyone again.

"It's not a date guys, I'm going for dinner with my Dad." I said looking around the room.

"'Cause I'm so cool!" I added with a laugh my eyes darting to the squashed brunette in the corner.

"Whoa my bad sorry dawg!" Dinah laughed at me again and I smiled again but she was the only one who was really paying attention to me everyone else was focused on Camila. Her mom was examining her body language watching how her daughter reacted to the conversation going on between Dinah and I. Ally was watching her in a similar way and I think Normani had her gaze on Camila's because Ally was watching her. My eyes circled the room and fell upon Sofia who was smiling at me widely, I felt like she had just been watching me the whole time. She was such a strange kid sometimes, but so was Camila. My gaze returned to the final girl in the room and Camila looked around at the others and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I was curious." She said defensively but I saw her shift uncomfortably in her seat and wondered if anyone else had registered what I had.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're the one, the only one. Who's to say she isn't in love with you?"

Something about Camila getting jealous about my non existent date and then being embarrassed by her reaction sort of made me... swoon? I mean it was cute that she was so involved in her little story and I mean, who wouldn't be flattered if someone liked them so much that they got all protective and possessive. It was definitely cute and Camz is a hard girl not to find cute anyway so I think that was maybe a catalyst for this new effect she had on me. I had to make sure it wasn't a habit though, if she got the slightest inkling that I was flattered by her behaviour she might rock the boat even more. She was already a lot more confident and cheeky, more of flirt than she was before the crash. It was almost as if she had found something that gave her the confidence to show off that side to her and I couldn't help but wonder what it was. I just ended up convincing myself that she forgot all of her insecurities along with everything else. Maybe I wasn't that far off.

By the time I was ready for my Dad to pick me up everyone in the house was having dinner anyway. It was Mani's turn to cook for the girls. We never really cooked anymore but it was all in a n effort to help Camz remember the days when we used to and if anything could jog her memory of back then maybe it would be Dinah and Normani's terrible terrible cooking. Leaving the house I was told Normani was making pasta bake for dinner and I would be confident enough to place a bet to say it would be al dente with half melted cheese. I was extremely glad I was missing out on Normani's cooking night. I might try and find a way out of Dinah's too. Dad had agreed to meet me at the restaurant, he said he had to run some errands, what they were I had no idea but it was good that he was kept busy even over this side of the country. I felt bad knowing that he felt inclined to be here with me, when really I have done the majority of my growing at this stage, he was missing out on Tay and Chris and feel like I've been the one depriving him of that. As if I didn't get _enough_ attention in this family...

The restaurant was quaint. A quiet Italian on a secluded corner, they were used to my dad and I arriving here and had even gotten into the habit of stocking up on Peroni before we arrived. That European beer is good stuff.

I arrived first, which was unusual enough. I think I was maybe in a rush to leave the house though, there was a weird air after Camila had embarrassed herself with her overreaction about my "date". My gut feeling told me that Camila would be having more of a interview than dinner, maybe even more so than mine and I was positive mine would be full of questions. I had practically asked for it.

I was on my third bottle of Peroni when my Dad arrived.

"How are you mija?" He smiled widely and leaned in to give me a peck on the cheek.

"Hmm good you Papi?" I hummed back more comfortable knowing he was here for me. I knew he would be anyway but seeing him relaxed me despite that.

"Good! Hungry as usual, have you ordered yet?"

"No I would never order without you!!" I winked, he sighed happily.

"We both order the same thing everytime we're here I don't know why you didn't order for me at this stage in the night...." He smiled kindly at me evoking my own smile to grace my features.

"What if you were feeling adventurous? Garçon!" I smiled raising my hand.

"That's French Lauren." I rolled my eyes at my Dad before turning to the nearest staff member and letting my green eyes scour their features. I smiled once the recognition flooded into my brain along with all the facts I needed to know.

"Hey Jason? We're ready to go!" I smiled at the nearest waiter. We had been here often enough to know the main staff by name and they knew us just as well, if not better.

"Hey Lauren, Mr, Jauregui! What can I get you or should I even ask?" The dark haired boy smiled between us charmingly.

"Well try me out there J and I'll let you know how you do..." I nodded at him encouragingly sitting back in my chair, amused by his confidence.

"Well miss I believe you'll have another bottle of Peroni a steak baguette with garlic butter medium rare but more medium than rare with not that many onions because it hurts your mouth if you have to many and another bottle of Peroni." He smiled at me taking all of this down on his notepad with very little effort. I smiled coyly before answering him back.

"You said Peroni twice J I think you're slipping..."

"Not at all, you always make it through two bottles anyway... I thought I'd just be prepared!" He winked and with that my dad burst into laughter.

"He's got you there Lauren!" I joined in with my father, I had to admit I would definitely make it through two bottles of beer if not more during my dinner, I just didn't realise it was obvious to other people.

"Well that sounds just perfect then Jason!" I smiled at the waiter once our giggles had died down and turned to my dad.

"Try me then kid!" My father raised an eyebrow challenging the young man before us. I almost felt sorry for the him, my father was quite an intimidating figure when you didn't know how much of a teddybear he was.

"Er... Carbonara with extra parmezan, garlic bread and..." Jason paused looking from his notebook to my father before picking his final ingredient.

"A glass of the finest red?" My Dad smiled impressed at the young man, but I shook my head almost too zestfully and he turned his attention to me almost immediately.

"I just don't know..." I raised my bottle and looked between it and him.

"Do you mind driving home in my Jeep? I've to bring Camz to physio at half twelve tomorrow? I don't wanna take any risks..." I raised my eyebrows apologetically, he could have a bottle of red at home when we got there if he really wanted. He smiled and nodded at me before turning his attention back to our friendly waiter.

"Just a glass of.."

"Cranberry juice!" They said in unison and I couldn't help but let a small giggle escape my lips. Jason was good alright.  
My father smiled and nodded towards Jason he handed him our menu's and turned his attention back to me as I watched the waiter walk towards the kitchen.

"I'm glad you're being sensible, but how many have you had? And when did you last eat?"

"This is my third the one he'll bring with dinner will be my fourth... And I had bacon rolls with Camz for lunch about three hours ago... So...." I smiled waiting for his usual quick answer.

"So you're dying of starvation?" He smirked raising an eyebrow, a typical Jauregui expression that I had inherited.

"Just about!" I smiled taking another swig of my drink. I let the beer flush down my throat cooling my insides, my nerves and butterflies. That's what I liked about it, it calmed me and numbed me to the drama of the outside world.

"So what did you need help with? Or do you need a few more beers to help you tell me about it?" The older man asked his expression unreadable, it was hard to tell if he was being sarcastic or serious sometimes, he was always one for pulling pranks though so I just laughed him off.

"No I'm good I'll talk now, I just don't really know how to word what I'm going to tell you."   
I said suddenly feeling my voice turn serious, maybe I should have took him up on more beers. My nerves were pulling at my insides.

"So, you know the way Camila remembers me?" I watched my father intently, he was just like me, he gave everything away in his eyes.

"Well, what she remembers isn't exactly right..."

"Go on."

"She thinks that we're... married. Me and her I mean. She thinks we're married and I've tried to tell her we're not..." I watched my fathers expression change, it didn't go the way I expected though at first he was apprehensive, cautious. Then he changed to an almost apologetic sort of look his eyes were saddened and his lips pursed, I couldn't quite place it.

"She doesn't believe me though, she's set on this idea, this fantasy and I feel like I've tried everything to show her that we're just friends, I mean... It's so weird seeing her like this. She loves me. I mean... She thinks she loves me. She thinks we're going to be together and no matter what I say she doesn't seem to grasp that we're not, or not going to or whatever but its just really hard, especially now..." I waited for the man in front of me to reply but he kept quiet, examining my facial expression, willing me to go on, so I obliged.

"Today.... Today she told me about the first time she knew she loved me."

"Yeah?" Oh thanks dad that's such valuable input into this conversation.

"Yeah. She said it was the first time we kissed..."My mouth ran before I could sensor and I regretted it immediately because suddenly my dad's face had changed from unhelpful   
to curious.

_"You kissed?"_

"Hmmm..." I scratched the back of my head awkwardly, there was no way I was getting out of this.

"Yeah... It was an accident though and really it was a peck more than anything. We were in bed and.."

"In _bed_?" My dad asked his eyebrows raised, maybe he wasn't the best person to ask from in this situation, I continued anyway knowing I couldn't leave him hanging.

"Yeah but not like that, it was after a party and I was just staying over... Camz was always one to look after me like that." He nodded at me his eyes now alert with concentration.

"I was half asleep and she had looked after me and her mum had called us for breakfast. She wanted to stay in bed so before I got up I went to give her a kiss on the cheek but I had my eyes closed and I missed." I looked away not being able to meet his eyes all of a sudden feeling really guilty now that I was admitting this out loud to someone.

"I pulled away because I was like oh shit that doesn't feel like her cheeks and I suppose I expected her to move and when I went in the second time, I sort of hooked onto her lip...I mean I suppose I knew it was her lip but she was supposed to have moved but she didn't and it took me a while to realise...." I stopped and took a well needed sip of my beer.

"She didn't move and I didn't realise until I had stayed on her lip maybe a little too long. I kinda freaked out and went to go down for breakfast and she caught me before I ran out the door and told me it was okay." I looked up to meet his eyes again too curious of what they might reveal to me.

"She kissed me on the lips and said it was okay because we're best friends and best friends kissed because they love each other and that's normal." I said searching his eyes for a sign of anything, but he didn't move. I was about to open my mouth again but Jason came back with our drinks and placed them out in front of us, we both mumbled our thanks after he returned with our food.

"So what did you want?" My dad asked after a few spoonfuls of his pasta dish.

"What?" I asked my eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"I just told you..."

"You just told me what's has happened, you didn't ask me anything?" I rolled my eyes, always so specific.

"I need to know how to convince Camila she's not in love with me." I said plainly before shoving my baguette into my mouth.  
I looked back up once my dad had made no attempt to answer my question.

His eyes were on mine examining me intently, his eyebrows almost meeting in the centre of his forehead.

"What?"

"I need to show Camila that she's not in love with me.." I said looking at him equally as confused.

"No, I mean... I know what you said...." He paused before putting his for and spoon back onto the table.

"But who's to say she's _not?_ " He asked folding his arms and leaning forward onto the table.

"What?!" I almost squealed in shock before I could stop it and I subconsciously noticed a few heads turn in our direction as the word escaped my mouth quite loudly.

"Okay Lauren, just listen to me. The only thing Camila knew, when she came back, was you. Out of everyone, even her family. It was you and she does still know every little thing about you, doesn't she?" I'm sure it was a rhetorical question but I nodded anyway.

"She has referred to things in your past, yeah? Things that you _both_ remember?" I nodded wondering where he was going with this argument.

"So its definitely you, there isn't a different Lauren Jauregui that she knows? You're the one, the only one. Who's to say she isn't in love with you?" I frowned, was he actually serious.

"You're a lovable person Lauren! I don't see why it's so ridiculous to think that someone who took the time to get to know you as well as Camila did, fell in love with you. I mean... that's how it's supposed to happen. You know?" He asked smiling and picking up his fork and spoon again.

"No I don't... what? Am I right in saying that you think that Camila is actually in love with me?" The old man before me nodded and swallowed his mouthful.

"I'm saying it's possible. Why is that so hard for you to believe Laur?" He sounded sad.

"You're an amazing person and who's the one person who's always seen you for that? Always told you that?"

"You?"

"No."

"Mom?"

"No.... Lauren _stop_ , you know what I'm trying to say you're just being as stubborn as always." I rolled my eyes yet again, before stuffing my mouth with more food, maybe I just didn't want to hear what he was saying.

"Lauren, all you've contemplated in this situation is that she is crazy, right? That she has had some insane drug induced dream and now she thinks she's in love with you. Right?"He raised an eyebrow at me questioningly and I nodded my head reluctantly.

"If you look at the facts, what's right in front of you... Instead of making excuses and making theories up in your head. Maybe if you looked at what's actually there you'd see something a lot closer to the truth. It's definitely you she talks about, it's definitely you she remembers, it's you she can be herself with, it's you she needs when she doesn't know what to do with herself. So who's to say it's not you she's in love with? I mean who are you to tell her what she feels?"

He looked at me expectantly waiting for me to answer but I was still processing what he had just said, was he really taking her side? This wasn't what I was expecting at all.

"Did you ever address it before the crash?" Whoa what?

"Huh?!"

"Did you ever-"

"-address what?!" I asked shocked he would bring this up, that is if it was going where I thought it was going.

"Your feelings for one another?" My jaw dropped, I couldn't believe my dad was asking me about this, I knew what he was referring to. The whole #Camren thing had maybe taken off a lot more since we had messed around with it when we were kids. It was fun at the start and then it got scary and then it got complicated and then it got forgotten and then it got more complicated and then ignored but impossible to ignore all at once.. It was hard to explain really. My dad snapped me out of my inner thoughts.

"You said the first time you kissed...? I'm presuming that means you kissed after that?" I felt my cheeks burn a crimson red and I knew my dad wouldn't need an answer after seeing my reaction, I averted my gaze as I heard his exasperated sigh continue it's dissection of my past.

"Lauren... I'm not going to make assumptions or jump to any conclusions. All I'm going to say is if you two were, in anyway involved together romantically or hell I don't know experimentally on top of, and this I know, on top of the close friendship you two had, I mean you can see how she would have developed feelings for you. I don't know how anyone wouldn't have in a situation like that..." He stopped talking for a moment to let all he had said sink in.

"Did you ever think that maybe you felt something for her?"

"Are you seriously asking-"

"Lauren for goodness sake, I'm trying to help you. You asked for my help. Listen to me and stop being stubborn, just listen. You're always one to stick to your own opinions and don't listen to others because you're so sure of yourself, but what if there was something you weren't sure of? What if you had already made up your mind about something - or someone - before anyone had given you a reason to question it?" I frowned and opened my mouth but my Dad shot me a look that said 'speak and die' so I quickly shrunk back into my seat and clasped my lips around the top of my bottle making sure to take a huge gulp.

"I'll tell you what you do, because you've done it before. You stick to your guns, because you're stubborn and hate being wrong and I'm so sorry because you get that from me. Sometimes you'll convince yourself that something is red before looking at it and then when someone tells you it's orange you ignore the fact that maybe you do think its orange. Do you understand?" He asked watching my confused expression, was that not answer enough? He was always useless at metaphors. I shook my head.

"Maybe you were too busy telling everyone else that there was nothing going on between you and Camila that you were to busy to think about the fact that there maybe was something there..." I cut him off not being able to listen anymore.

"I'm not gay Papi." I almost hissed and I didn't mean it to come out so harsh but it did and I thought he would reprimand me for being so snarky but instead he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Like that..." He mumbled into his food.

This was not an every day conversation, usually Dad and I would see eye to eye on most things so this was a whole new experience for me. Along with that rare guttural feeling deep down that he was right, that kind of made me feel sick. I pushed my plate out in front of me not wanting to even attempt to put anything more than alcohol into my stomach. 

I smiled up at Jason and nodded him to come over. He took our plates away and offered us the desert menu. I shook my head, my stomach full with a sort of emptiness I couldn't place. It could have been the shock of what my dad had just told me and if I was honest maybe I was a little scared too. I hated being wrong and something told me that I was. My mind kept flicking back to the way Camila had reacted today too. The brunette had been just like a jealous girlfriend. This was all so confusing, as far as I knew Camila was straight she wouldn't hit her head and suddenly change sexual orientation. This was all just such a headache right now, or maybe that was the beer. I ignored it either way and asked for the bill.

I was deep in thought while searching my jacket pocket for my wallet when I felt a pair of hands on my shoulder.

"Hey stranger!" I smiled and my body relaxed as I recognised the voice, it was one I had come to recognise and enjoy the company of during the past month and a bit.

"Hey Maura!" I smiled turning to see the brunette behind me, her hair had a new sort of redish glow to it and it had been newly cut since I had seen her last, her full fringe and bangs framed her face nicely and the red brought out the natural glow in her cheeks.

"You look gorgeous! I love the new hair!" I smiled genuinely at the med student as she made her way around to the side of the table.

"Hi Michael how are you?" She smiled politely addressing my dad, catching me offguard slightly, I had completely forgotten she had met my dad. He smiled nodding curtly at her.

"I'm good Maura how've you been keeping?" He said raising an eyebrow questioningly although his eyes were uninterested. It was easy to miss if you didn't know him.

"Yeah I haven't seen you round the hospital as much?" I asked ignoring my dad.

"Aw I'm doing final exams at the moment I won't be back in til I pass... or fail and have to repeat..." She added cautiously with faux worry. I giggled and nodded at her cheekily.

"Well I guess I'll see you when you're repeating!" I laughed some more and this time my dad chuckled along with me.

"It's nice to know you have so much faith in me." She smiled between me and my Dad but he looked at her expressionless, she must have felt the tension and hurriedly turned back to me. I should have kicked him under the table, he was being so rude and there was no need for it. Instead I settled for shooting him wide eyes while taking another sip of my beer, how many was that at this stage, six, nine? What number comes after six?

"Um.... anyway I just wanted to pop over and say hi cause I saw you and stuff, make sure you're doing okay you know? How's Camila by the way?"

"She's good still in for physio and things..."

" _Obviously_ yeah.."

"Oh sorry Dr. Maura I forgot you knew everything." The brunette rolled her eyes at my comment and chuckled at me.

"I forgot how much fun you are Jauregui, you should remember that you've got my number and we can hang out more now that I'm not in the hospital as much." She smiled at me dropping her shoulder towards me.

"I wouldn't want to distract you from your exams!" I teased my words starting to slip into one another.

"Haven't you heard? I'm Dr. Maura I know everything! I don't need to study! Besides they're not for another month or so..." She smiled widely and I returned it and couldn't help but giggle again, maybe it was her comment, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the way her head was starting to double and everything behind her was moving on it's own. Whatever it was, it was funny.

"What are you doing on Friday?" She continued taking my laughter as a good thing.

"Uh...." I shrugged and pulled a questionable face at her, timekeeping was never one of my strong points.

"Well I'll give you a ring tomorrow and you can let me know and we can hang out okay? I kinda miss you..." She smiled kindly and put her hand over mine. I grinned at her and nodded eagerly hoping she would understand that I didn't quite trust my mouth right now.

"See you Friday Laur." She smiled and winked before removing her hand from mine with a small squeeze.

"See you Michael!" She turned to my dad and smiled widely before turning to walk to the exit of the restaurant. I smiled to myself before placing the bill book back on the table and shrugging my arms into my sleeves.

"She's so lovely isn't she?" I smiled down at the table trying to get my eyes to focus on something, anything, but everything was moving around me and I couldn't quite grasp what I was looking at. I decided to just giggle instead.

"Mmmm. She's alright." He answered half heartedly but I had almost forgotten what we were talking about.

"Who?"I asked looking up and wobbling to my feet. My dads shaky figure raised an eyebrow at me before smiling.

"You're a little tipsy aren't you?" His teeth came into view as his smile grew into a grin, he walked around to my side of the table and linked arms with me, escorting me out of the   
restaurant. I handed over my keys and he drove us back to the house. I giggled most of the way home and dad laughed along with me.

When we got home the girls were still up I could hear them from the garage. Even in my intoxicated state I could piece together that they had ordered a take-out, I didn't blame them either. The kitchen was still full of boxes and pots of dried half cooked pasta. I followed their voices into the living room and saw that they had transformed it into a sleepover area, like we used to when we were younger. There was mattresses on the floor, cushions on top of them, duvets on-top of that and the girls with glasses of wine on top of that.

"LAAAAAUUUUUUUURRREEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!" Ally rose to her feet before stumbling back down onto the floor and landing on her bum with a small 'oof' escaping her lips. She hiccuped a giggle and the rest of the girls burst out in laughter. They were well beyond my state of intoxication.

"Two secs!" I smiled before popping back into the kitchen and grabbing some beers out of the fridge.

"Hey Lo, I'm gonna crash and let you have a girly night okay? Try and remember what we talked about." He smiled at me his head popping out from the door to my room. He gave a wave to the girls before giving me a final smile and ducking behind the door.

I popped the tab of my can and took a refreshing gulp, trying to remember what Dad and I had even been talking about. I felt like it was something important, but I could remember it in the morning because right now I had the thirst and the rest of the girls were in party mode. Whatever it was could wait til the morning when my brain had less static.

"Lauren! Get your booty in here..." I heard a familiar voice whine and smiled turning back towards the living room.

All of a sudden a doe eyed brunette popped her head around the corner of the wall, I smiled widely meeting her eyes. All three of them. I moved forwards towards her and she   
stumbled forward holding onto the wall before flinging herself towards the kitchen island badly hobbling on one leg. She had obviously ditched her crutches, whether she was fed up of them or just excited to see me I guess I'd never know, but there was a small something in the back of my mind that wanted it to be the latter and it couldn't help but let and endearing smile spread across my cheeks as I watched her fall into the table and giggle softly into her sleeve.

"Camz you shouldn't be walking on that leg!" I said sternly making my way over to her and steadying up. She looked at me and smiled at me broadly her eyes brightening as they flickered contentedly between my eyes.

"But... but.." She stuttered her eyelids drooping as she giggled. I rolled my eyes at her, drunk Camila was impossibly cuter than normal Camila and a whole lot rarer. I loved   
seeing her like this even if a lot of the time I was equally as drunk and sometimes worse.

"Take these." I ordered, handing her my open can and another two for later. The brunette obliged taking them from my grasp immediately and falling into me, not being able to hold herself up on one tipsy leg. I smiled and bent down to swoop under her legs. I picked her up easily and smiled as she re-adjusted herself so she was comfortable in my arms. Her left hand draped around my shoulder, her right hand clasping it on the other side of my neck. She smiled into my neck and I could smell the alcohol off her breath, or maybe that was me. Who knew.

"I like this..." She whispered into me, I could feel her breath on my skin leaving a tingle with each word. I smiled at her as I carried her into the living room.

"Reminds me of our honeymoon." She giggled into me slightly louder this time, her lips brushing off my neck. I let out a small chuckle as I let her down onto the mattress softly and planted my bum down beside her, taking my open can from her hand.

"Really?" I asked amused as she decided to help herself to some of my supplies.

"Yeah I always think about... that...night." I raised an eyebrow as she tried to fade out her sentence. Her brown eyes were desperately trying to not look at my green ones and her face was plastered with a cheeky grin. It didn't take long for her to erupt with giggles and I realised what we must have done on our honeymoon.

"Oh my g- ** _CAMZ!_** " I tried to contain my voice as the other three girls were deep in their own conversation having barely batted an eyelid at me carrying Camila back into their little set-up. I did however feel a pair of eyes on us, watching. I wasn't quite sure who it was but I was too distracted by everything Camila to even try and turn away from her.

"You mean you..? We've...on the... we did the..." I struggled to sentence my words and ended up pointing my finger between the two of us, my mouth slightly agape. The brunette opposite me smirked, suddenly all cuteness had vanished from her features. Her eyes were dark, dilated and slightly glazed over, her top lip curved up to one side while her bottom lip was caught between her teeth. I couldn't take my eyes of Camila as her lower lip slowly escaped her teeth and the tip of her tongue wet her lips softly.

" _Oh yeah_." My eyes were still on her lips as she spoke and I read her answer more than heard it, but it didn't go unnoticed that her voice was a lot huskier and lower than before.

"I can't believe we..." I forced my eyes to meet hers. _All four of them._

"Was I your first? Oh my gosh did you save yourself til our honeymoon like you said you would?" I asked my brain still in shock, but my mouth working double time. I wasn't thinking _staight_ , obviously... I had just said 'our honeymoon'. I had also insinuated that she'd said she would wait til 'our' honeymoon to have sex when in fact I had meant in general, but that wasn't the weird thing. The weird thing was that this was Camz and I was just casually talking about having sex with her and that didn't feel weird at all, even though it should have done on so many levels.

I watched her facial expression again and realised that she was full blown visualising it right now, re-living it, or imagining it or whatever. Her eyes were dark with lust. She licked her lips and caught her lip between her teeth again, she was so imagining us having sex right now, even though old Camila never did anything like that I knew exactly what was going on behind her eyes no matter what and right now, she was imagining taking my clothes off and taking me right here and now.   
I had to admit, the hungry look she was giving me was turning me on pretty fast. With the aid of the alcohol and the steamy conversation at hand I was pretty sure I'd have to help myself out tonight.

"Yeah you were, but no I didn't we couldn't wait that long." Camila's low voice brought me back to reality and sent shivers down my spine. She finished her sentence with a wink and I felt the need to swallow the lump that was growing in my throat before I said something stupid.

"The first time was good it was actually like..." The younger girl paused and her eyebrows furrowed, jaw slacking. I waited wanting her to finish her sentence, wanting to hear her sexy husky voice talk for the rest of the night. A moment later her eyes widened and she turned to meet my gaze and this time I was the one with my lip trapped between my teeth.

"Like?" I prompted my eyebrows rising.

"Like, uh... Nothing I expected... Nothing like I expected." Her face changed and she smiled again before covering her mouth and suppressing a giggle.

"Give me two secs okay?" She asked sweetly, not really waiting for my answer she stood up and limped to the kitchen, her hobble suspiciously less noticeable than mere minutes ago when she was so bad I had to carry her. I rolled my eyes. _Sneaky Cabello, sneaky._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanted to just forget everything and wrap myself up in her."

The night had taken its usual route as of late. Dinah, Mani, Ally and I were reminiscingabout things we had done within the last three years, helping Camila remember her life from when we entered it. The girls went off on tangents ofcourse, Dinah about Siope, Ally about Troy and Normani about Beyoncé, but really we stayed on topic quite well. I couldn't help but watch Camila interact with the other girls. She was still sat beside me and I found it so hard to tear my eyes away from her. Especially with everything that was running through my fuzzy mind right now. 

  
She had returned from the kitchen shortly after leaving and when she did it seemed like she was moving slower, everything seemed very purposeful and in a strange way I felt like it was directed at me. Maybe she was just as drunk as I was and didn't want to incapacitate herself further, but there was something very exact about everything she did. Every now and then she'd look at me looking at her and blush, or smile, or wink. I knew she could feel my eyes on her and I knew she liked it but for some reason I couldn't stop myself. 

My brain was flooding with questions. Did we really have sex? Does that mean Camz has seen me naked? Have I seen her naked? How did I know what to do? When was our first time if we "couldn't wait"? Did we do it alot? Why does Camila bite her lip so often, it's so distracting? I love her lips, they're so soft. I remember how good they felt on mine... When was the last time we kissed? Has she thought about kissing me since then? I bet I taste like beer right now. Where's my beer? I need another beer.  
I started lifting myself off the ground to head to the kitchen but I felt Camila's hand on my leg, gently stopping me.

"What do you want babe?" She smiled at me. I couldn't help but feel a surge of happiness as she called me babe so casually, that was different. It was usually annoyance or exasperation, but I suppose it was becoming endearing with time. I think it was the first time she had called me babe in front of the girls though and out of the corner of my eye I saw how their faces were trying to hide the confusion. Except Ally, Ally was smiling like a bafoon. I bet she was absolutely hammered, she's always been a lightweight. I smiled back calmly, ignoring the others in the room.

"Just getting another drink do you want one?" 

"Hereeee you go!" The brunette turned around and handed me a can, she must have brought some in from the kitchen when she went out because I was sure I had surpassed my quota. 

"Thanks ba... Camz." I stuttered as I took the enticing tin out of her hand. I felt a rush of blood in my cheeks and decided to concentrate all my attention on opening my beer but I still saw her smile grow into a toothy grin. I bit my lip trying to contain my own smile and felt my cheeks burn a brighter red, that was so embarrassing. I had almost called her babe. Maybe it would have been less noticeable if I had just continued with it and pretended it didn't happen instead of trying to cover it up. When I looked up again there was three sets of eyes looking at me. One of Dinah's eyebrow was raised so high I was sure it was going to get lost in her hairline. Luckily Ally saved me by giggling and taking the attention away from.

"We should do this like once a week to loosen up a bit... I think it's healthy." I let out a breath as the Dinah and Normani turned their attention to the shortest of the group, but the pressure wasn't off me completely. I could still feel one pair of eyes on me. I turned to meet Camila's doe brown orbs, they seemed to be magnified and almost hypnotising in my current state. She sent me her biggest smile and I couldn't help but return my own. I felt her thumb stroke my thigh, I didn't even noticed that she hadn't moved her hand from earlier. It was nice to still feel this closeness to her, I shuffled closer so she wasn't stretching as much and relaxed against her side.

"It's good for the soul!" Allyson finished, taking Camila's attention away from me. She broke into a boisterous laugh and I couldn't help but join in. Her laugh was infectious and her mood contagious. I was happy that she was happy and I was giddy because she was giddy.

Normani passed out just after midnight, after all the jumping up and down her and Dinah had done along with them showing Camila a mixture of all their favourite pieces of choreography I wondered was it the alcohol or exhaustion that got to her. We decided we should keep the noise down because she was just lying on the couch behind us, we stuck on a movie on and the girls spralled across the cushions they had set up. Camila had to stay sat with her back against the couch so I decided to stay with her. She lifted one of the quilts that we had previously been lying on and crawled under it. Keeping it raised she signalled for me to follow.

"Thanks." I smiled, wiggling around until I was comfortable. 

Dinah was lying length ways across the cushions her head the opposite side of the room to Camila, her feet tucked up behind her and Ally was using her stomach as a pillow. They ofcourse had to pick the most boring movie ever; 'The Day After Tomorrow' it was a good movie but when you'd seen it more times than you can count, it's super hard to keep your concentration. 

I probably would have joined Normani in deep slumber if it wasn't for Camila. Her hand was still on my thigh and her thumb would occasionally stroke me comfortingly, but I was sure it had moved higher than it was when we were above the quilt. The movie had barely gotten through it's first half hour when I caved in and looked at her again. My mind wasn't on the movie anyway, it was on her and her hand.

She smiled still looking at the screen, obvioulsy noticing me in her peripheral.

"What?" She whispered without averting her gaze.

"I uh..." I looked down and the first thing I saw was my limp arm lying inbetween the two of us.

"Don't know what to do with my arm?" I asked moronically. _Nice one Lauren._

I looked back up and Camila met my gaze a kind smile on her face, she simply leaned forward making space between herself and the couch. I raised my arm and put it around her shoulder and pulled her into me, she followed gently snuggling into my side.

"I should have yawned, would've been really smooth." I chuckled quietly. I felt Camila laugh against me, her head rested on my shoulder, her hair tickling my neck and I'm sure her hand was slowly climbing higher again.

It wasn't long until Camila's thumb was constantly tracing patterns on my thigh. I felt my breathing get heavier as her hand softly pushed between my thighs. I slowly uncrossed my legs and created a sufficient gap. Usually there would have been something in me that told me it was a bad idea but the alcohol in my system seemed to ignore any sanity that was left in my brain. It also seemed to heighten the nerves on my leg, it felt so good. It was as if Camila knew exactly what I liked, I just wanted to feel more. Her hand dropped between my legs and her other fingers started stroking my leg too. Before I knew it I was chewing on my lip, willing her to go higher. My breathing was rapidly becoming unsteady and I started to feel a throbbing between my legs, I wanted her to touch me so bad.

I felt the shorter girl shift beside me, she moved so her lips were on my ear. Her breath giving me shivers, I felt her soft lips hook onto the side of my ear and I let out a soft moan. Ally's head quirked slightly, not directly looking at as but I could tell she was aware of what was going on and for some reason, even that didn't stop me. 

"I wanna go to bed..." She said softly into my ear, her voice laced with lust. When did the cute young girl I grew up with become so _sexy?_ I felt her hand slowly rise up my thigh, getting closer to my throbbing centre. I had to bite down on my lip to prevent myself from letting any other incoherent noises escape my mouth, I saw her smile at my reaction a cheeky glint in her eyes. She knew what she was doing to me and she was loving every second of it. Her hand suddenly changed direction and made its way to my hip, she pushed down just on the inside of my hip bone and I threw my head back. I loved that, _how did she know I loved that?_ I didn't care right now, if she wanted to go to bed, we should definitely go to bed. 

I returned my gaze to meet her dark brown eyes, my own green eyes probably mirrored hers, dark and wide with want, with hunger. As I took her hand to get up I felt every last bit of sense leave me. I just wanted her hands on my body, I wanted to just forget everything and wrap myself up in her, even if it was just for one night. I ignored all the longing that was in me, convincing myself it was the usually musings of my horny drunken self. I slipped out of the blanket and stood beside Camila, my eyes still glued to her. 

"Night guys." Camz flashed Ally and Dinah an innocent smile, the tallest girl was almost asleep and just grunted her goodbye, not even noticing me following Camila out of the room. Ally however raised an eyebrow towards us. She shot us a knowing smirk.

"Sleep well guys.." The oldest watched us leave and I couldn't bring myself look her in the eyes.

"Or don't sleep.." Ally mumbled turning her attention back to the television. As soon as the door closed behind us I let out a shakey breathe. Camila turned to me and her innocent facade was back, she let go of my hand a lifted her arms as if to go into a hug.

"I need you to carry me to my room." She smiled simply and laced her arms around my neck. I couldn't take my eyes off her, she was so hypnotizing. I bent down to lift her up bridal style again, never once breaking my eye contact with the big brown eyes in front off me. We made it to her bedroom easily and I kicked the door closed as I moved closer to her bed. My heart racing. I had been here a million times before, but this was different. Even in my intoxicated state my brain could recognise that, I could feel this was different along with a bunch of other feelings that were new and different. Or maybe they had been there all along and I was only conscious of them in that moment. Excitement, nerves, dizziness and something else, _something important._  I ignored it being unable to think, not wanting to think. I just wanted to do.

I pushed it all out of my head as I neared the bed. Leaning forward I gently I lowered Camila onto the bed. The young brunette's smile dissappearing between her teeth, her eyes darkening and her grip on my neck staying firm. I tried to get back up but she kept me there hovering above her in the dimly lit bedroom. The only source of light was a crack of light peeking through her curtains from the moon and a small glow from under her door. 

I watched her delicately as she pulled me up onto the bed. She made me follow her every movement until I had crawled onto the bed on top of her, my arms either side of her head and my legs either side of her waist. I felt her hands slide into my hair and I couldn't help but let my teeth find my lower lip. I loved people playing with my hair. She smiled at my reaction and pulled me closer, softly tugging at the back of my head.

Her wide eyes were fixed on mine, deep in concentration as she closed the space between us. I watched intently until I felt her breath on my lips. My eyes fluttered shut and I felt like my heart was beating so loud the girls downstairs would hear it. Her soft lips captured mine, I knew the feeling of her lips pretty well already but this, yet again, seemed new. The alcohol in my system was sensationalising each tiny movement she made. It was as if she knew exactly how I wanted to be kissed, every pull at my lip, every nibble, every suck, every flick of her tongue inside my mouth was inately intune with my senses. It was everything I would include if I could command how somebody was to kiss me. It was... _Perfect_.

It took the right direction too, getting heated and passionate simultaneously. I was still conscious of her injured body so I lowered myself beside her. It didn't stop my hands from roaming her body though. I tried to be as gentle as possible, knowing she was still sore, but I think it made it more sensual for her. She moaned into my mouth at the slightest of touches and I couldn't help but smile into her kisses. _She was so hot._

We soon fell into a fast paced rhythm sucking and biting on each others lips. I was so suprised when the younger girl pushed her knee up against my hip, rolling me onto my back. The shorter girl climbed ontop of me, taking control of the situation obviously not in anyway concerned or incapacitated by her injuries.  
She pressed her body into me and detatched our lips, moving her mouth to my ear. She breathed heavily while thrusting into me and I returned the movement as we found our own rhythm again. Her lips brushed my ear softly and I heard her low voice growl in my ear again.

"You're wearing far too many clothes." It was a simple statement but I understood completely. Sitting up slowly, I lifted my arms so she could remove my shirt. I raised an eyebrow and she did the same and I couldn't help but run my hands up her sides as I did, wanting to feel every last inch of her soft skin. I rolled my hips forward so I could connect our lips again, my hands crawling up her back gently. This time Camila was full of lust and her tongue was taking charge of my mouth, dominating me. I wasn't used to it but I fucking loved it. I was so wrapped up in our kiss that I barely noticed Camila shift upwards, removing her jeans. It wasn't until her hands had found the button at the waist of mine that I stopped to look at her. She wasn't phased at all, her eyes were on my button as she unhooked it from my jeans, lowered my zipper and slid them off my legs crawling down the bed as she did so. She was _so_ sexy, why was she so goddamned sexy? The way she looked up at me with her dark brown eyes, her bottom lip between her teeth, her hair tucked behind one ear and her hands on my thighs, it was driving me insane. I wanted her so bad. Even though her body was bruised it was still perfect and my eyes were overwhelmed by the confidence she was exuberating. I let out a short growl. I no longer wanted her, I needed her.

She smiled and slowly crawled up the bed, her hands leading the way, pushing my legs further apart. I couldn't help but whimper at the sight of her being so controlling, it was as hot as fuck and I wasn't sure how much longer I'd be able to control myself. Just as that thought crossed my mind, Camila's lips attatched to my hips and I felt that time span decrease dramatically. She slowly sucked her way up my thighs and I wasn't ashamed to admit how wet I was now because, _wow did this girl know how to work me._ She kissed her way to the top of my thighs and I found myself willing her to continue but she didn't, she stopped. She looked up at me from the position between my legs and smirked, almost knowingly at me. 

Her thumb unhooked under my panties and slowly pulled them down, her eyes asking me if it was okay. I was pretty sure my eyes were showing nothing but desire and that was enough, she pulled the last bit of undergarments and revealed the most intimate part of my body. I watched her reaction as her eyes focused on my centre. She must have been in the same state as me, her eyes widened with thirst and she licked her lips, pulling her lower lip between her teeth once more. That must have been her go-to-move. I smiled at how enthusiastic she was and reached my hands down to pull her up to kiss me but instead she ignored my grasp and reattatched her lips to my inner thigh.

"Ugh... Camila..." I couldn't help but let her name escape my lips, she was the only person who had made me felt this good without even touching me. I had some seriously high expectations to what was going to happen next. 

Camila didn't let my expectations down either, infact she exceeded them. She sucked on my thighs for a while teasing me and making sure I was sufficiently turned on, before spreading my legs further and slipping her delicate fingers between my lips. Her fingers quickly found their way around my wet folds and soon Camila was softly rubbing the hard nub that I so desperately needed her to be. Her fingers were covered in my juices and I think that idea turned me on a whole lot more that I would like to admit. I was almost thrown over the edge when I felt the younger girls tongue trail up my thigh, before kissing my entrance and slowly pleasuring my centre. 

Her tongue searched up and down my slit, hitting me in all the right spots. Her fingers had now been removed and lay on both my thighs. Camila's tongue slowly found its way to my clit and circled it slowly before retracting lower down my slit to my entrance. She dipped her tongue into where I needed her most and I collapsed into her, my breathing heavy and ragged as my best friend fucked me with her tongue. 

I felt her left arm hook under my thigh and her hand hold onto my toned midsection, pulling me impossibly closer, pulling herself further into me. 

"Mmm.... Camz.." I didn't recognize my own voice anymore. It was far croakier than I had ever heard it before, much huskier with an edge of desperation. A need for more. I just needed more Camila. 

Her right hand now made itself noticeable, tracing it's way up and down my thigh, playing snakes and ladder between my ass and my hip. I just wanted her to touch me.

"Ugh, C-Camila... Please.." I begged desperately needing more from the younger girl.

"What do you want baby?" _Baby?_ Ugh... _Yes._

"Tell me what you want me to do for you." It was more of a demand than a question. Her voice was laced with lust and I knew she would give me what I needed without me asking, but I told her anyway.

"Fuck me, pleaase... Camila please... fuuuuck." I threw my head back into the pillow, her tongue had gone back to tracing patterns between my lips, occasionally pulling on my clit just the way I liked it. 

"Fuck me." I breathed heavily making sure the younger girl would hear me. 

The brunette obliged, her tongue making its way to the top of my slit searching for my clit. Once she found it she didn't stop massaging it. She slid two fingers into me without warning and soon started a rapid pace. Fucking me for one reason and one reason only; to make me scream her name. 

"Yes, Camz.." I moaned my eyes rolling back into my head as Camila's tongue carressed my tingling nub. She was so good at this. _Why was she so good at this?!_

"Is there something you need Lo?" I opened my eyes slowly to look at the girl between my legs her hot breath teasing over my wetness. I needed her mouth back on me. I bit my lip and nodded at her, my hands easily finding the back of her head and gently pushing her back towards my wet, throbbing centre.

"What do you want Lauren? Tell me." The use of my full name snapped at me and my mouth answered before my brain registered what I had said.

"I need to come. Make me come for you Camz..." I was suprised at how dirty my words were and at how audible my sentences were in my current state. I was suprised at how quickly the younger girl obliged to my commands. Her tongue danced inside me, a whole lot better than Camila danced herself. Her fingers curled inside me easily finding the spot I needed her to find, my body contorted and I thrust my hips up to meet her mouth and her glorious, _glorious_ tongue. She pulled my clit into her mouth and sucked hard as her fingers pushed rapidly against my g-spot.

"Ugh-Cam- Camz.. Yes,C-Camila. Oh yes-I'm..." I couldn't form proper sentences, the sensations Camila was supplying me with were too intense to even think about trying to say anything mildly coherent and as my mind started to white with pleasure I heard the younger girl moan into my wetness and that pushed me over the edge. 

"Ugh I'm coming.." I breathed as my eyes whited and my mind blanked with pleasure a surge of nothing hiting my ears, and bliss pulsating through every inch of my body. I kept my hands on the back of her neck, shamelessly riding out my orgasm on her mouth. Until I let my body fall back to the bed completely. Panting heavily I smiled blissfully at the younger girl on top of me.

"You taste so good..." She hummed happily crawling up my body, resting her neck against my shoulder. I couldn't have her do that, I needed to repay her, even if I wasn't as talented as her in this department. _God, when did i become such a prude that Camila Cabello was more talented than I was in bed?_ I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and let my mind wander to images of how good she would be when she was sober. Wow, this girl could do more with her mouth than just sing. I should have guessed, she had always been a talented kisser. _What was wrong with me?_ This is Camila, my _bestfriend_. I ignored the sobriety returning to my brain and just smiled at how satisfied I felt right now and how happy I was.

I waited until I had caught my breath before slowly tracing my fingers down her body, she had fallen off me slightly so we were beside each other again. Camila smiled towards me once my own hands hooked onto her thong, I let my thumb gently tease her panty line before pulling them down to reveal her soaked centre. I let out a soft gasp when I saw how wet she was, glad to see it wasn't just me who had been effected in that way.

I let my hand trace around her lips for a while teasing her, getting to know what parts tingled that little bit more. It was hypnotizing watching her brown eyes lock onto mine and then roll back into her head and the fall behind her eyelids and lock onto mine again starting the cycle once more. She was breathtaking and I had never felt something like it, _ever_. 

I just wanted to make her feel as good as she had made me feel. I slipped a finger into her wet folds feeling my way into familiarity. I had never done this before, with Camila or with any other girl at all, but I knew what I liked and after being fucked by the younger girls' talented tongue I felt like I knew what she would like too.

I let my fingers find the source of her hot wetness before spreading it around her folds, her sensitive spot soon making itself known to me as her body convulsed and her mouth elicted sexy moans as my fingers roamed her insides. I soon built my confidence, starting a rhythm with the younger girls clit and her heavy breathing did nothing but encourage me.

"Laur... Mmm yeah.." The shorter brunette growled at me her hands tangled in my hair and her lips taking a break from sucking on my neck.

"I need you.. Lo.." God this was the sexiest thing I had _ever_ experienced in my life I felt the young girls frustration as she pulled me closer willing me to touch her where she needed me most. I smiled, I loved having this much power over someone and that someone being Camila just made it so much more rewarding.

"Laur.. Inside. Now." Brown eyes met mine and I realised it wasn't a question it was a command and I would be in trouble if I didn't oblige and although I was curious to see what my 'trouble' was I couldn't help but give Camz what she wanted.

I pushed my fingers inside her, her walls were tight around my fingers and not to mention absolutely soaked. I had a ridiculous urge to taste her, but right then I knew I needed to pleasure her, I needed to repay her and I could listen to my own urges afterwards.

I set a slower pace than she had before not knowing how often she had done this before, or even if she had done this before. I let my fingers curl inwards trying to reach her sensitive spot but I knew I'd have to go deeper. I thrust my fingers in harder and faster, causing Camila to dig her nails into my back.

"Uh, Lauren." 

"Do you like that?" 

"Mmm-hmm." The brunette could only nod at me as she rode my fingers. She soon found her own pace which was a lot faster than what I had initially started out at. Camila ended up riding my fingers until she was ready to come, sitting up helping me take my fingers out of her she pulled my fingers up towards her clit. There was no way I could resist any more though, she had been riding my fingers and they were soaked in Camila's juices, I just needed to taste her so bad. I took my fingers away from the younger girls centre and slowly pulled them into my mouth, sucking each one individually. The brown eyed girl watching me with her lip between her teeth. I sucked my fingers clean before returning them to her folds and making quick delicate circles on her clit, following her breathing I sped up willing her to say my name as she came.

"Yes, that's so good... Mmm. There." She moaned as her breathing quickened and her hips buckled pushing them forwards to meet my fingers. 

"Come for me Camila. Say my name." I whispered into her ear softly, before hooking my lips around her ear and sucking on it tenderly. I kissed my way back down her neck down to her collarbone. I sucked there gently making sure not to leave a mark. I quickened my pace with my fingers as the younger girl breathed out more cusses. I watched her eyes intently as they glazed over and a wash of ectasy took over her face.

"Yes Lauren yes. Yeees." She moaned locking eyes with me at the last second, coming undone around my fingers. 

We lay there silently for a short while. I was letting Camila catch her breath but maybe since we were here so long she had fallen asleep in my arms. I couldn't bare to move and wake her so I just stayed still.

"That was pretty amazing, thank you." She said once her breathing had returned to normal. I smiled into the top of her head. I pulled the duvet over us before answering her.

"Mmm. I had an unbelievabe time... But I was just pretty amazing huh?" I smiled cheekily at the younger girl and the last thing I saw and heard was her. 

"Yeah you're pretty damn amazing Lauren." She smiled and winked at me as I felt my heavy eyelids drop to a close. A stupid smug smile plastered across my face as I fell asleep in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long I'm really awkward and found it really difficult..   
> Please don't be shy and tell me what you thinks gonna happen when they wake up and stuff. Ily all :) xxx


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We weren't naked cause we were too hot were we?"

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Ugggggh._ I clenched my eyes tighter wishing I wasn't awake right now. The light had reached my eyes and burned behind my lids, causing me to see a burning pinky red light. I groaned slightly at the soaring pain it caused behind my eyes, joining the disgusting banging in my head.

I lay there for a moment not wanting to get up. I didn't know what time it was, I don't think I wanted to either, there was nothing really that important I had to do today anyway, it was mostly free. I had to bring Camila to the hospital at half twelve, but after years of waking up at three, four, five am in the morning there was no way I would have slept past ten. My body clock just wasn't used to that.

I tried to think back at what we did last night, my brain was all sorts of fuzzy and it hurt to try and think so after two seconds of a searing pain to my head I just stopped and lay there, instead choosing to listen to the thump thump thump still penetrating my brain.

That's when I realised there was an arm draped across me. Holding me in place. I suddenly became hyper-aware of a pressure against my back. A breathing on the nape of my neck and the rising and falling of someones chest behind me. I felt myself tense up, who the hell would I let be my big spoon? I tried thinking back on the night before again ignoring the horrible piercing pains.

Dinner. Beer. Dad. Awkward conversation. Him saying it might be possible. Fuzz. Maura? More fuzz. Car ride home. Fuzz. More beer. More fuzz... Oh good God, this was not good, _fuzz was not good._ I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down, inhaling the familiar scent of my room... Hang on... No that wasn't my room, it was familiar and really nice but it wasn't mine. It smelled prettier, brighter. I felt my muscles relax as I realised I had probably let my Dad sleep in my room and bunked with one of the other girls.

That was a blissful couple of seconds.

Until I felt a small thumb gently caressing my stomach. My _bare_ stomach. _MY BARE NAKED STOMACH._ My eyes shot open and I groaned again, almost cursing myself for not taking my time opening my eyes. They were windows to my headache and the light was not my friend right now. I waited a moment for my eyes to adjust, they were watery and I knew there was bags under my eyes without catching a glimpse of myself.

When my eyes finally granted me sight and I tensed once again, I was right this was not my room at all, it was much brighter even though the curtains weren’t drawn. My bedroom was down stairs behind the garage so it didn't get much light, but I liked it that way it was my little cave. My safe haven and this, _this_ was not there. This was where I came if I ran out of things to read, or if I felt lonely, or if I needed cheering up.

This was where a year ago I had sworn never to wake up again. Obviously I'd have to wake up, but I just intended it to not be here. Especially after a night of drinking. Oh god, I must have been so wasted. My attention was drawn back to the girl draped across me, her skin was soft against on my own.

Skin?

Skin, everywhere. I couldn't help but let a small gasp release my mouth when it hit me. Bare skin everywhere, I was naked and so was the younger girl whose arm was around my stomach holding me closely to her. Her grip was loose but firm, holding me in place like she didn't want to let go there was an urge in me to smile but I was in far too much shock to change my facial expression at all, so instead I stayed frozen in the brunettes bed.

"Someone's awake... Finally." A small voice laughed behind me. Great she was awake the whole time and she never thought to get out and clothe herself? _Of course not._

"Hey.." I said slowly turning around to face her.

"Morning beautiful." I was met with big brown eyes and a smile so wide I was sure it surpassed the width of her face. I stared her down with wide eyes, giving her a weak smile, I finally replied when I realised she wasn't going to let up on her grip around my waist.

"Morning."

"How's your head?" I rolled my eyes at the younger girl.

"Ugh don't talk to me..." I whined slamming my eyes shut once more. The brunette giggled before rolling onto her back, it was then once I was released from her arm that I realised I was in fact lying on her other one. I lifted my body to let her take it out from under me and as the quilt shifted slightly I caught a glimpse of her tanned body. My eyes returned to hers, she was smirking at me obviously just thinking she caught me check her out or something. I took a deep breath hoping I didn't seem too flustered, because I was so _not_ checking her out.

"So we had a shortage of bedclothes last night did we?" I laughed nervously hoping with every bone in my body that we did in fact run out of pyjamas, even though common sense told me it probably wasn't. Camila let out a soft giggle before propping herself up on her elbows and looking at me.

"No sorry, that was definitely NOT the case." She laughed again before turning to the other side of the bed and sitting up, revealing her naked back. I couldn't help but gasp when I saw her soft brown skin covered in scratch marks. She stood up and walked to her wardrobe and my eyes followed, curious of the other marking that were scattered around her body. I had completely forgotten the fact that she was entirely butt naked until she bent over to search one of her bottom draws for something and all I could see was her naked butt. Still something prevented me from turning away and I silently hoped that I looked that good naked. Even if I was covered in scratches. I remember going to the beach with the girls and admiring her body then, especially her legs. So long and tanned and toned, they were gorgeous and never off my mind - _I mean_ , everything I wanted my legs to look like... I shook my head forgetting my obviously still drunken brain, although my eyes were now glued to the younger girls legs and my teeth had for some reason found my bottom lip very tasty.

"Do you want to take a picture babe?"

My head shot up to see brown eyes smiling at me over her shoulder, a raised eyebrow in-tow. I felt my cheeks burning red and I shook my head before turning to step out of my own side of the bed. I was glad to find my clothes just in front of me and I don't think I've ever been happier to see an item of clothing before. I slid into my jeans as fast as I could, embarrassed that I was just as naked as Camila was, I was grateful I didn't have to get up and walk half way across the room like the younger girl had done. I was usually confident with my body, but in this moment I felt completely exposed - on every level. I had just closed the clasp on my bra when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my neck. Camila's head came to rest on my shoulder and she tilted it to the side so she could look at me. All of a sudden I felt very self-conscious and roped my own arms around my still bare mid-section.

"Is that a no?" Her breath tickled my neck and I felt goosebumps arise on my skin, it felt familiar but new all at the same time and something about her closeness made me comfortable despite how _un_ comfortable I was. I had to address the elephant in the room at some stage and now was a good a time as any. I turned to face her and my eyes widened at the closeness of our faces. Her eyes were bright and her smile was wide and there was a happiness I saw in her that I hadn't seen in a long time. Perhaps not since before the crash. I knew it was because of me and I knew I was probably going to be the reason it would disappear in the very near future. I gave her a sad smile, before bracing myself for what I was about to say.

"Last night we... uh we.." I raised an eyebrow while trying to give her an apologetic look. It must not have looked anything like that because she was still smiling at me.

"We... weren't naked cause we were too hot were we?" The brown eyed girl smiled impossibly wider and let out a small chuckle.

"No, we weren't.." She raised an eyebrow waiting for me to continue.

"So we had, we did the.." I stuttered not being able to finish my sentence, I took my eyes off her not being able to look at her. Despite my evident discomfort and awkwardness as to what happened last night, the younger girl stayed wrapped around me.

"Yes Lauren, we did the sex." She laughed again. I looked up to see her smiling, completely un-phased by my reaction and evident lack of memory about last nights events.

The brunette bit her lip smirking at me. She loosened her arms and shuffled herself forward so she was kneeling beside me, handing me a shirt she slid her legs around so they hung off the bed.

"Hurry, I wanna show you something." She smiled once again, that happiness still not leaving her eyes. Not that I wanted it to go away, I was shocked that it didn't. Camila was one of the most sensitive people I had ever known and when we were younger a lot of the time it would be me who was the cause of her ever changing emotional state, a lot of the time I didn't want to admit it - especially back then.

_**"Lauren I don't think you understand..." The younger girl was practically jumping on the spot. She couldn't contain herself and I wasn't far behind, her eyes were bright with excitement and her smile hadn't been this wide in a long time. The only times I had ever seen her this happy before was when she was reunited with Sofia after being away for almost 8 weeks. She was a family sort of girl at heart and I loved seeing the two of them interact, everyone with eyes loved seeing them interact.** _

_**"Camz, I understand. I'm just trying to be cool about it." I replied smiling at her, she was infectious. I switched my weight from left to right and took a deep breath trying to slow my heart rate. I passed my mic between my hands hoping my hands weren’t going to get this clammy before every big performance.** _

_**"Stop being cool! We're here! This is it, this is Madison Square Garden and we.. me and you, two girls from Miami, are playing it!” I smiled turning to face her.** _

_**“And the others of course but I mean.. Like do you remember when you were a kid? And you wanted to be the biggest star and you'd jump on your bed with one of those echo mics and you'd imagine that one place where you would want to play. That one place for me, was always here.. I mean at first it was just New York because that was the best place to be you know? I mean the Big Apple, like what kid didn't want to go to New - York, right? Then I got older and Madison Square Garden was it, this is it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND LAUREN? This. Is. It! And I'm here with you and you're just per - and the other girls and it's just so exciting because this is my dream I am living my dream and - "** _

_**I laughed out loud at the younger girl and surged forward to grab her around the waist. I pulled her into me and lifted her, twirling around with her in my arms, she laughed along with me.** _

_**"You're so cute! And I know this is amazing but if I start freaking out I won't be able to stop... I'm not good at getting back into it like you are!" I explained quickly putting her on back on her feet, she was making me giddy and I didn't want to be giddy for this show. I was completely on the same level as she was I was just better at keeping it inside.. Most of the time.** _

_**"I'm so glad I get to do this with you." She smiled, biting her bottom lip and she laced her arms around my neck. This had become the norm for us at this stage, it'd been about ten months since I had stolen her first kiss along with her second and third. We had eventually talked about it, I was worried I'd ruined her first kiss, she was always going on about how she wanted it to be special and stuff.** _

_**I know it was just a peck but I still felt bad. Camila was actually sort of grateful, she told me she was glad to be kissed by someone who cared about her so much. She told me that she had always wanted her first kiss to be from someone who really cared about her, that was what was most important. She told me how she dreamed about being brought out for dinner, treated like a proper lady, almost like one of the women in those old black and white movies. Then she'd be dropped home and walked to her door and then her and her date would share a soft kiss that portrayed everything they were feeling and then Camila's Dad would open the door and would know exactly what was going on but would keep quite anyway. He'd thank her date for bringing Camila home on time and her date would be the ultimate gentleman, he would say goodnight and wave until he got into his car and drove away. Alejandro would put his arm around her and say "He seems like a lovely guy" and Camila would smile and say "He is." Then she'd go inside and her Mom and Sofi would interrogate her about the nights details and she'd gush and have to call Marielle to tell her everything as well.** _

**_I remember for weeks not being able to get that image out of my head, I thought because I had already stolen her first kiss, why not give her what she had wanted in the first place? I set up a date and brought her out for dinner, paid for everything myself and drove her back to our place in LA. We were recording so her dad wasn't there, but I did everything as if she had scripted it for me. Of course instead of walking her to the front door, I walked her to her bedroom door. I stood in front of her door, her hands in mine, awkwardly staying quite like Camila would have if our roles were reversed. She smiled nervously at me knowing what was coming next and even if it wasn't her first, I knew how much she appreciated me doing it. I told myself that the butterflies in my stomach were just because I was happy that I could make her this happy, which was mostly true so it boded well with my brain. I was really nervous, jittery it was as if I had never kissed anyone before and I just kept replaying her words in my head._ **

**_"It's okay you know. See it's nothing. We're bestfriends it's normal."_ **

**_I leaned in and brushed our lips together, I started slow wanting to give her a chance to pull away, but it wasn't long til I stopped thinking and just went with it. I didn't want her first proper kiss to be forced. I relaxed into her and licked along her lower lip and she allowed me_** _**entry almost immediately. As I was exploring her mouth with my tongue taking in every crevasse, I realised how normal it felt. I became hyper aware of how well our lips fit together, how nice she tasted and how our breathing had become synced. It scared me and if I wasn’t thinking I don't think I would have stopped kissing her. I backed away slowly heading for my own door and waving before entering my room. I shut it behind me and slid down to sit on the floor. My hand raised to my face and my fingers traced my still tingling lips. I heard her voice from the other side of the door floating towards my door, I don't think she meant for me to hear her, but I did.**_

_**"She seems like the perfect girl." That was different from the conversation with her dad she told me she would have.** _

_**"Yeah she is." She finished and her door clicked shut. I smiled and climbed into my bed and not that I would ever admit it to anyone, but that night I dreamed about kissing my best** **friend.** _

_**Ever since then we had taken to kissing each other a lot. We were both on the road so much and sometimes you just needed to feel that closeness with someone and seeing as we both enjoyed it and we were always together, it made sense.** _

_**Even now when she was in my arms, babbling about how excited she was and being cute and adorable I could only think of one way to make her shut up, so I did. I crashed my lips into hers, I kissed her and she kissed me back and when I pulled away her eyes were so bright I found it impossible to look at her without smiling back.** _

_**"I'm really happy. This all makes me so happy… That's it." She said her smile broad, her hands tangled into my hair. I stared at her lush brown eyes.** _

_**"Me too." I whispered with all the honesty I could muster.** _

_**We were on stage moments later, performing in front of a sold out Madison Square Garden. It was everything Camila had talked about and even though I was in complete performance mode, I couldn't keep my mind off the younger girl. She was absolutely ecstatic and I felt exactly the same way and even though this was everything I wanted too, I couldn't help but feel content knowing that I had her in my life. She was someone I could really count on, someone that wouldn't go away, no matter how stubborn I was because she got me.** _

_**Coming off the stage, all of us crashed into each other. The five of us on a complete high, giggling and jumping into each other. This was when I let my fangirl out and my cool down, I could afford to do it now because I didn't have to worry about not being able to get my shit back together for performing. It took me while to calm down the others were all still spewing excitement. I looked up to find a pair of brown eyes trained on me, I smiled and the younger girl bit her lip and blushed looking down obviously embarrassed that I caught her staring.** _

_**That night Camila came to my bed and we didn't talk. We kissed all night and thought nothing of it, because it had become so normal. It was the happiest I had seen her in a long time and who was I to deny her that happiness?** _

Thinking back to that time, a much simpler time and realising that back then, I was completely clueless at how I must have made her feel. Not to mention the fact that she made me so happy. So comfortable. It seemed impossible to me that I didn't realise how I had led her on. To the extent that she had some irrational coma-dream about us being together. I had used her for my own benefits when I was younger, even if she did say it was okay. If I had known she had feelings for me then maybe I wouldn't have been so selfish. Looking back now it seemed so obvious and if I wasn't so intent on deny the rumours and deny my feelings maybe I would have - wait what? My feelings?

I swallowed heavily and put on my shirt, my nerves returning to me as if I was seventeen again.

"I want to show you something." The brown eyed girl smiled at me once my head re-emerged through the top of my shirt. The younger girl grabbed my hand and smiled once more, her eyes still full of ecstasy. It was pure happiness.

She dragged me down the stairs and I suddenly remembered carrying her up them last night. I looked at her now and she was walking quite normally, still limping but completely able to carry herself. We walked into the living room which was a complete mess, something I definitely didn't remember. I thought we were just watching movies, but apparently not. There was take-out boxes, bottles, cans, sweet wrappers, dvd cases, quilts, cushions, pillows, clothes just everything everywhere. D-mac was still asleep, spralled across one of the mattresses that cushioned the floor, some things never changed and the youngest girls almost narcoleptic-like tendancies was one of them. I smiled fondly at her as Camila dragged me through the arch-way into the kitchen where Ally and Normani were having their breakfast.

"Morning!" Camila chirped towards were the girls were sat and Normani turned slowly to meet her gaze. She looked like death, her hair was everywhere which was very un-Mani like and she had huge dark circles under her eyes.

"Why are you so happy Mila? You look like you got laid or something..." It was a throw away comment, she turned back to her phone and almost untouched breakfast not saying another word but my cheeks burned fiercly. I saw Ally sniggering into the book she was reading, she tried to hide it but I felt like she might actually know more about last night than I did. That was something I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with, but if Allyson was anything it was reliable. I knew she wouldn't breathe a word without talking to me first.

Camila laughed it off and squeezed my hand directing me to the notice board that hung beside our fridge, it usually had our daily schedule on it but there was a massive smudge in the middle of it filled with a familiar writing.

"Look."

I turned to read what was a scrawled version of Camila's hand-writing, still un-mistakeably hers but obviously affected by the drink. I was tempted to read out loud but I was aware of the other girls in the room and decided against it, not even thinking that they could have possibly read it already.

It's 12.37am we were just talking about our honeymoon - I said my first time was nothing like I expected and came out her to the kitchen. My first time was tonight, is tonight - well it'll be last night when you read this. We were both drunk and I made you carry me up the stairs halfway through a movie about snow or something. I wanted to write it down to prove to you that I do know how things happen, it just takes me a while to remember. From past Camz.

My mouth widened with every word I read, the memories of last night hitting me like a train. I remembered everything she had mentioned, even her leaving to go to the kitchen and it scared the shit out of me that she was right. That she could be right that all this, all of what she told me about future us - it could all be true.

I dropped her hand and backed away, she watched me intently her brow furrowing with worry. I couldn't do this. This wasn't who I was, it was a completely different Lauren Jauregui that this Camila knew. It was a completely different Camila that I knew. I wanted old, cute, innocent, nervous Camila not this crazy, sexy, commanding, confident Camila that would not take no as an answer. It scaredthe hell out of me and there was no way I could be who she wanted me to be.

"It was a mistake, I didn't - I'm not.. It was just.." I stuttered still walking backwards.

"I don't do _that_ , okay?" I spat the words out and I saw the hurt strike Camila's features with every syllable that fell from my lips. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ally and Normani's heads snap to attention. I did not need this right now.

"That's not me and I can't be that for you, 'cause I don't..." I took a deep breath knowing this was going to hurt the younger girl.

"Laur.."

"No. I don't Camila... I don't love you." _Boom_ , there it was. Straight up, out in the open. It felt horrible coming out of my lips and it tasted so wrong to hurt her like that but she had to know.

Something made me turn and run for my door before I could gauge her reaction. I slammed myself into the door almost falling through at top speed. I shut the door behind me and noticed a note on my bedside table, she didn't leave one here for me as well did she?

As I got closer I read my name and recognised my dads hand-writing.

**Laur, thanks for today it was lovely. I hope you'll remember what we talked about, I know how easily you make rash decisions. I'm flying back to Miami in the afternoon to arrange things for Taylors suprise party, I'll ring you later.**

**Love Dad x**

I sighed looking at the note, at least there was something normal about today. I grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the shower turning up the heat to the highest setting I could stand, my thighs were stiff and it made it hard to walk. I didn't want to think about why so I tried to wash away all the thoughts with all the dirtiness that I felt covering my skin. As soon as I was dry and changed I grabbed the keys for my car and opened my window. It was childish of me to be climbing out the window but I didn't want to deal with anyone in the house, especially not the brown eyed girl I had spent the night with. I climbed into the front seat and belted myself in.

I sighed resting my head on the steering wheel. I needed to clear my head and distract myself from all this Camila drama, I needed to do it without getting drunk and I needed to do it without fucking someone. That was the usual way of things but it always made me feel worse and I would end up going to Camila and she would make me feel better. Knowing that I definitely couldn't let that happen made me think of healthier options. I turned to the side and leant across the gear box. I opened my glove compartment and took out my camera. I still loved photography, it was a growing passion and it was something that would calm me down quickly and efficiently.

I started up the Jeep and drove to one of my favourite places. It was a cliff top that looked down on a short stretch of beach. I was pretty sure the beach was private or maybe inaccessible because I rarely saw people on it and had never found a way down to it myself. I wasn't too bothered though because the view from above it was impossible not to love.

Gathering my things and climbing out of the Jeep I snapped some new angles of my favourite spot. It never got old for me because the sea was ever changing, it made every photograph different and unique. It was as if this place had a personality. It was wonderful. After a good couple of shots I lay down in front of my jeep and watched the tide move in and out.

It was hypnotizing and freeing all at once. It relaxed me so much I fell into a deep slumber not waking until my body was rested. When I finally awoke it was dark and cold and I wanted nothing more than to be in bed. When I arrived home I climbed back in my window still not wanting to talk to anyone. I went to bed knowing I'd have some awkward conversations in the morning, conversations I wasn't prepared for but I was too tired to try and contemplate them not so I just let myself fall asleep. Hoping beyond hope that this was all a dream, or I was on episode of punk'd or something. Hoping that I wouldn't have to face the truth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probs my last update before the holidays so Happy Christmas everyone!! And have a good new year (: tqm xxx


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm still your best friend yet suddenly way more charming than anyone ever needs to be."

"Lauren?" I awoke to knocking on my door accompanied by a soft sweet voice.

"LAUREN GURL WHERE YOU AT?" Oh and there was another voice and the knocks had turned into banging... _Wonderful_.

I rolled over onto my back and opened my eyes groaning that I had to move at all. The cold hit my skin and caused goosebumps to crawl their way all over and around my body. I felt like nothing had ever enveloped me as quick as that cold did it was horrible and beautiful all at the same time. How the air loved me so that it needed to be around me instantly and with everything that it needed, it took away what I needed, warmth. I yawned, trawling to the door I took the key in my hand and unclocked the door. Unsuprised that the cold had covered what I had to touch just so I would be close to it. I turned around and headed back for my bed, I hated the cold and I wanted to be warm.

"Don't you dare, gurl you late." I could just hear the pout at the end of her sentence.

"Don't care." I husked lowly climbing back beneath my covers.

"No really Lauren..." I turned to face my two bandmates who were so obviously playing good-cop-bad-cop.

"Look.." Ally sat down on the edge of my bed and I rolled my eyes. I knew deep down that she was trying to be helpful, that's all she ever was but I just wasn't in the mood.

"I know you're upset." She paused examining my eyes, she waited another moment for me to say something before standing up and folding her arms at me.

"And I know you're waiting for me to give you some advice but do you know what Lauren? I'm not going to. All I'm gonna say is, I know you're upset right now, but you have a job. A job that isn't just yours it's ours and if you fuck it up for yourself you fuck it up for the rest of us. So get your ass out of that bed and down to the studio and stop feeling sorry for yourself." My mouth was wide open when she finished and I could see Dinah was shocked to. Ally just turned on her heel and walked out the door leaving us in silence.

"She's right dawg." Dinah finally offered a small shrug before leaving me in my room.

The harshness of Ally's words and hearing her swear made me move. I was greeted once again by the faithful coldness that loved to tease my happiness. I got dressed as quickly as possible and made myself a small piece of toast before running out the front locking the door and climbing into the van. I opened the door and everyone was strangely quiet when I entered and I had that feeling that everyone had been talking about me.

I looked up and saw Dinah move across a seat so there was space for me. I closed the door and looped my seatbelt around me, simultaenously shoving my toast into my mouth. I stayed quiet the whole ride staring out the window while the girls made idle chat. They tried to keep it normal but I knew they all sensed the tention I had brought to the car.

Camila was her bubbly self again I had almost forgotten that she had forgotten. I glanced at her in the mirror a couple of times and everytime I did, her eyes were already trained on mine and it made me wonder if she ever looked away. It was intoxicating. Suffocating to have her look at me like that constantly. She was as persistant as the cold that nipped me every morning. Despite my on-going battle with the cold, I opened my window greeting it like an old friend as it thrashed against my face and in my hair. It was the longest journey to the studio I had ever experienced and I swear I nearly took the door off the van as I climbed out of it, desperate to get far away from unwanted eyes.

Once inside I grabbed the couch closest to the radiator and shoved my earphones in my ears. It was a tough day and I felt eyes on me constantly. We were writing songs for the new album and were hopefully going to start pre-production soon. Usually I was full of ideas, today wasn't any different, I just kept them to myself. My ideas were obviously missed because everyone was taking turns glancing over at me. I'd occassionally be addressed and I'd take an earphone out and listen to what they had to say, agree or disagree and then return to my sulking position. I don't know what it was that had me so down.

I loved studio work, I loved the creative side of what we did,it was my favourite part of being a musician. Expecially with the growing allowance of input we were allowed to have in recent years. Obviously I was upset with myself, I had figured that much out. It wasn't hard to guess why, I couldn't get over how stupid and selfish drunk me was. Of course I was kind of worried that I had sex with her and it was her first time and it was my first time with a woman and I probably had no idea and the fact that I can't remember any details, but I know who I am so it's not number one on my 'oh shit I fucked up list' right now.

My main concern was Camila. Even though I was also angry at her. It's complicated. _Ugh_ , we've _always_ been complicated.

I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and got up to leave the room. I just needed some air so I could think without all these eyes constantly checking up on me. I pushed through the studio door not even bothering to look behind me. I had always been the rogue one. No maybe rogue is the wrong word. If the other four were in anyway normal - I'd say I was the weird one, but that analogy doesn't work at all. I'm pretty sure I was just programmed differently to the others. They're all macs and I'm a pc. I chuckled to myself as I neared the end of the corridor to get to the side door. Everyone prefers macs over pc's.

I sat on the step beside the entrance to the side of the building. I had taken my shoe off to keep the door open and I was now staring at my hole-y sock. You'd think I would have socks with only one hole, that being the one for your foot, but no. I still managed to ruin a perfectly good sock and lets be honest if I couldn't even own socks without ruining them; what chance did I have at life. I was actually genuinely surprised at how long I managed to keep this band thing up without messing up... Badly. Maybe this was it the end of the road, because I messed up Camila.

I mean I know she'll deny it but, she was all:

'we're married'

'we had sex'

'I'm so cute'

'you'll love me don't worry'

'I'm still your best friend yet suddenly way more charming than anyone ever needs to be'

THAT IS NOT OKAY. Especially for drunk me. Everyone knows I'm a horny drunk I mean people who have never seen me drunk or ever heard stories about me being drunk know I'm a horny drunk. It's as if it's written on my forhead. She knew that, therefore she took advantage of me. I shook my head vigarously. I couldn't say that, I knew it wasn't true. I mean I know she would have un-ashamedly encouraged it but she'd never do something I was midly uncomfortable with. I held my face in my hands and sighed.

"I must have been so up for it."

"You were, you couldn't get up fast enough." I heard a giggle behind the door. It was pushed open to reveal the younger brunette smiling down at me, she had my jacket and a door stopper in one hand and leant on her crutch with the other. I watched her quietly as she replaced my shoe with the door stopper and sat down beside me handing me my jacket.

"Thanks." I mumbled slipping my arms into the sleeves of my classic leather jacket.

"It's cool, it's what I do." Camila smiled at me and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Please don't. The last thing I need is your charm and your smile right now." I turned my gaze back to where my hole-y sock resided and put it back into the shoe the younger brunette had brought back to me.

"So you think I'm charming..?" I saw her lean back in my peripheral and I bit back the urge to yell at her.

" _Don't_ , please. I'm not in the mood for this nonsense." She never stopped did she.

"What nonsense?" She asked her voice a little softer than before. Even though I could tell she was apprehensive it didn't stop me from being annoyed. I've never been one for keeping my emotions bottled up.

"This stupid fucking _NONSENSE!_ " My voice rose as I gestured between the two of us, looking at her incredulously. Her mouth was agape and she had tears in her eyes but I just couldn't deal with her right now. I came out here for a break away from her and she just had to stick her nose in it and follow me. I rolled my eyes when she didn't reply and stood up taking a few paces forward not looking back at her.

"This? Us? That's not nonsense." I was surprised at how confident her tone was, I turned to look at her and found that she had also risen to her feet. Her eyes were still glistening but she held them back galantly as she continued to speak to me. Her tone harsh and firm, as if she was a school teacher giving out to an unruly child.

"What's "nonsense" is how much you're in denial." My mouth fell open as she air-quoted me and tilted her head sardonically. I tried to reply but she continued before I had the chance.

"We had sex Lauren, there is no way you can even -"

"WE DID NOT HAVE SEX." I couldn't help but let my voice rise in anger not only did it make me cringe to hear that sentence, but I genuinely felt it wasn't true. I know what I'm like when I'm drunk.

"WE HAD A DIRTY DRUNKEN FUCK CAMILA AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT." I was breathing heavily at her insolence but she looked as determined as ever. She opened her mouth to talk but once again was interrupted, this time by someoe clearing their throat behind her.

"Sorry to interrupt guys, but...uhm.. your needed." Ally's head appeared in the doorway, her eyes tactically avoiding both Camila and I. I cursed myself knowing she had probably heard most of what we had just said and if my face wasn't already flushed with anger it would have been flushed with embarrassment. I simply nodded at the older girl and made my way back down the corridor towards the studio, not even bothering to make sure Camila was hobbling along behind me.

I pushed through the studio door and was greeted by a series of nods and smiles. Everyone was gathered around the table in the centre of the room.

"What's up?" I mumbled quietly making sure to avoid Allyson who was at the opposite of the table to me.

I really wished she of all people had not heard me yelling at Camila, especially after her speech this morning. It was more than that though, Ally was ever watching. She was the oldest in the group and even though alot of the time everyone seemed to forget that, she was the most experienced and always knew what was going on without being told. She was somewhat of a vigilante when it came to us four. I knew she'd eventually address me with what she had heard and I knew that I'd probably hate what she was going to tell me.

"We need some ideas for the album name, we wanted everyone's input though so.." Normani smiled at me as I sat down beside Frank, our sound technician.

"Right cool." I said leaning on my hand and glancing at the sheet of paper Fintan had infront of him. He had obviously been doodling while Ally had come to get us. He had drawn a big 5H in a cloud shaped bubble in the centre of the page and drawn our names inside it. I furrowed my slightly, this was a full grown man. It made me smile slightly and I managed to let out a breath and relax myself.

"Hey sorry what are we doing?" The door opened and closed as Camila shuffled in noisley.

"We're doing a Name-Storm!" Frank looked over to her smiling holding up his drawing. I smirked some more at his joke, before having it wiped off my face.

"Very clever!" Camila laughed at him taking the last free seat between Normani and Ally.

"Thought you'd like it." He smiled across at her. Ofcourse he did. I felt the smile leave my face. Why didn't he do that for me? _Because he likes Camila more than you Lauren why is that such a surprise? Fucking macs._ I rolled my eyes and slouched back in my chair, fiddling with my fingers just wanting to get out of here once more.

"So does anyone have any ideas? Like what are you going to write about and how as a collective it describes you?" The tech started addressing what seemed like everyone except me. I huffed and sat forward so I was involved in the circle.

"Lauren?" He asked as I caught his attention. _Yes that's right Frank I'm here_.

"Well it has to be something that works for all five of us. 'Cause you know, we're a group and five bestfriends not someone with four backing singers." I said looking directly at him trying my best not to scowl with my sentence.

"You had that in Better Together and Symmetry really..." He frowned turning away from me.

I was about to open my mouth with another snide comment but Camila spoke to him taking all his attention.

"I think Laur's right Frank, it's an important part of us that we're all individual but together at the same time. If there's anything I've learned by getting to know these girls these past weeks it's that we've always had such a strong bond. I mean it's new to me but everyone knows we look after each other." She said, before turning to me. The other girls were nodding in agreement and I could see Frank smiling at the younger brunette too.

"Good point Camila." The man said taking his pen to the top right of his page and taking down some notes, writing down our previous album titles. I rolled my eyes, did nobody listen to me? I had just said that.

"Maybe we should call it 'Listen to Camila'." I huffed under my breathe and leaning on my hand. I thought I said it quitely but Frank turned to me and scowled.

"We don't need your negativity Lauren, she just explained it better to me." He said pointedly.

"Why would we call it that when you don't listen to me?" Camila cut in and I turned to face her suprised by her direct approach. Old Camila hated confrontation and there was no way even if she did hear me would she ever counter me like that, especially not in front of people. She continued when I failed to say anything.

"Maybe we should call it 'Denial'." She said before turning her attention back to the sound technician across from her. I stayed watching her my mouth still open. The other girls all had their eyes on me and Camila, surprised that we were disagreeing like this. I was quite surprised myself but there was no way I was going to let Camila get away with that.

"Or maybe 'Unwanted Attention'." I spat shaking my head at her.

"The paps don't really deserve tha..." Normani started but Camila cut her off with a cold laugh.

"Oh it was wanted." She widened her eyes at me.

"Maybe 'Drunken Mistakes'." I continued now addressing Fintan who was just staring at his page and trying his best to ignore what was unfolding around him.

"You can't encourage underage drinking." He whispered closing his eyesin frustration.

"Okay then, how about just 'Mistakes' or maybe 'Never supposed to happen' or maybe even 'Used'." I finished turning back to the brunette and glaring at her. She was now staring at me with her mouth open her eyes shining with threatening tears. I knew I had probably taken it too far but my temper was never something I was able to control, my mouth being a close second.

"What about 'From a drunken mind speaks a sober heart'? Because that's pretty fucking apt." She spat back at me sniffing afterwards trying to seem unphased by my comments but I knew her too well.

"How about 'Dillusional' because that's fucking apt too." I say pushing my chair behind me and standing up. I walked over to the couch I was sat on earlier and grabbed my stuff, I was so beyond done right now.

"How about 'fucking hurt'? How about How the fuck do you think I feel Lauren? How about 'do you never wonder how this is effecting me?" Camila's voice rose and I turned around to see her stood up as well. Her cheeks stained with escaped tears, her body shaking because her leg wasn't strong enough to hold her up for too long. That or anger.

"How about leave me the fuck alone until you remember you're not in a fucking movie." I say turning to the door. Everyone was now silent, nobody dared say anything they just listened to the on-slaught of insults that Camila and I were throwing back and forth.

"How about you fucking listen to your fucking heart Lauren instead of being upset over something you have no control over?" She her voice softened this time, she sighed and her chest fell. She seemed so much smaller, still fragile from the accident. She grabbed her crutch and staggered towards me, stopping a few feet from me.

"How about you stop being angry and listen to the people who care about you. I'm good for you." I rolled my eyes at her, was she still going to try and fucking do this to me. I am obviously not ready, even if I was ever going to be ready now would definitely not the time. She needed to get her priorities straight and maybe her fucking sexual orientation too.

"How about you stop pushing yourself onto me. Maybe you should think about how this is such a change for me. Maybe you should think about how I'm straight? Maybe you should think about how you're ruining our friendship and jeprodizing the band. Maybe you should think about anyone but yourself." I turned to the girls who were still sat silently at the table.

"Pick a name without me I'm sure it'll be great. I just need some space right now." I addressed everyone else as calmly as I could before turning back to the injured brunette infront of me.

"Don't follow me this time." I finished lowly turning on my heel and opening the door behind me.

"Lo?"

"What?" I asked not caring to turn around, I just needed to get out of here.

"I'm sorry I just.." Her voice was shakey and I could tell that she was crying again. I turned to face her and she was looking down at her feet. She pulled some of her hair behind her ear and I saw the wetness on her cheeks. She looked so young, like old Camila. My heart dropped as I realised the harshness of my own words and I immediately felt guilty.

"You said something once..." She continued quitely, her head rose and her brown eyes met mine.

"Just want you to know that I prefer PCs over Macs." She finished before turning around and returning to her seat. My eyes followed her as she sat down and I stood in the doorway shocked and confused. Nobody else would understand what she meant, I didn't understand how she knew. I never said, I just thought it - today with no prior concept of it, how could she possibly...?

I felt my own eyes well up with tears and I made sure to leave without letting them fall. I stormed down the hall and out of the building, my phone already at my ear calling my dad to come pick me up. I waited in the faithful cold as tears streamed from my green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, holidays an all. Hope you all had a lovely time - feedback is greatly appreciated (:


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah even if that girl doesn't know it yet, she doesn't function without you."

The next few weeks were really tough. I tried to avoid Camila at all costs, it didn't really work when I lived with her, worked with her and my friends hung out with her. It was tough avoiding her because above being mad with her and being scared of what she was going to turn around and say, I needed her.

I needed my best friend, but the non-biased one. The non-charming one. I just wanted nervous, goofy, cute Camz. She would smile at me and hold me until I calmed down and stopped crying and was able to talk and then she'd tell me what I needed to hear.

Now however, I was scared she'd hold me and kiss me and tell me what she wanted me to hear.

So instead I chose to cry myself to sleep most nights, because in a way I had lost my best friend. I had tried talking to the girls, well, they had tried talking to me but because they only saw half of the blow up we had they were hardly subjective to the situation. Ally had come to me a few days afterwards and talked to me about what she had heard while Camila and I were outside.

That was an unpleasant conversation, she had asked if it really was a drunken fuck and tried to convince me that I must have felt something to let us get that far. I had told her that I barely remembered it happening let alone what I was feeling during it, although I would presume it would be mostly arousal and pleasure. The only time I had felt something was when Camila had confirmed it in the kitchen and the fact that she knew about it. I was hurt and scared and disappointed. I was so upset that if Camila had known it was going to happen why she let me drink so much and I was disappointed in myself mostly because that was her first time. This was the girl who always romanticised how perfect her first time was going to be and there she was just sleeping with me when we were fucked and the last resort.

It was safe to say, that conversation didn't end that great either. Ally was a bit cold with me for a while but we got over it, she had always been the little watcher of our family and could never hold grudges.

So without the girls in the house to talk to I had thought, maybe I need a fresh pair of eyes. someone who doesn't know us. Thus began my friendship with Maura, it started off as a I need some advice can you help me and turned into a night out and then coffee to get rid of the hangover and then an array of lunches, dinners, nights-out, movie sessions. We had become quite the duo and I was grateful for this budding friendship. Sometimes, however, I thought that Maura was too good for me, she would drop almost anything she was doing to come help me, or see me, or hang out with me.

At the moment she was finishing her exams and I didn't want to effect her study so I had effectively been on my own all week, but today was Friday and I was in a perkier mood than usual.

Leaving my cave to go to the kitchen was something I now dreaded doing, however I had never been more thankful that I chose the downstairs bedroom, at least I wouldn't have to walk through the sitting room every time I wanted food. Unfortunately this time was even harder, everyone was home and when everyone was home there was always someone in the kitchen, or the living room. Either way it was almost impossible trying to avoid human contact.

Never the less, I opened my door as quietly as I could manage, my breath was shaky and if anyone saw me right now they'd be convinced I was a burglar. I was wearing my warmest hoodie, it also happened to be the biggest and darkest and the hood was pulled up over my face so even if I did meet someone along the way, they'd know that I still wasn't up for talking.

I relaxed once I saw a surprisingly empty kitchen, the voices I could hear from my room were obviously coming from the living room. I took a quick glance towards the sound source and spotted the rest of my bandmates huddled together on our couch. They looked all cosy but serious at the same time, whatever they were talking about must have been serious because the movie that was on the TV had no volume and was obviously long forgotten.

Normani was the only one facing the kitchen but her eyes were fixed on Camila as she spoke. I followed her gaze and found my eyes softening when they reached her. She was in the middle of the group and everyone was giving her attention, Dinah had her arm draped over her shoulder and Ally was holding her hand, stroking it gently. I couldn't help but let my ears tune in to what they were saying.

Camila was obviously upset and despite my distance, it still hurt to see her that way. It had been a long time since she was this upset and I cringed as I heard my name being uttered.

"I know it's not her fault but..." She held in a sob and I watched as Dinah tightened her grip on her.

"I just don't know anything else, you know?" The three girls nodded at the brunette and she continued.

"The last few months getting my memory back with you guys..." She sniffed and rubbed her nose along her sleeve.

"It's been nice you know? Remembering how close we were - are. Remembering everything we did together... But all my memories of Lauren, the ones that come back with the memories of you guys. They just... they're not... friendly.." I frowned at her statement and willed her to go on, thankfully Normani voiced my concerns.

"What do you mean, "not friendly"? You guys were by far the closest, even up to just before the crash." Camila's attention turned to the taller girl and she nodded along with her words.

"I mean I know, I remember being friends, best friends. I remember being inseparable and her laughing at my stupid jokes and her giving me that look when she knew something was up, or if she wanted to talk to me alone or just being able to communicate by a simple look. I mean you need to know someone so well to be able to do that..."

The younger girl lay back and looked up at the ceiling, her eyes wide as she tried to explain herself to the other girls. She pulled her hand out of Ally's grasp and started fidgeting with her fingers. She did that when she was nervous.

I moved my hand up to scratch my face and found my cheek wet. I wiped it away and turned so I was on my side of the wall. I was confused at the tears streaming down my face, silently attacking my features. I thought about what Camila had just said and my breathing started to get quicker and deeper. I brought my hand to my mouth trying to supress the sound as I let go and let myself cry.

I know I had done this to myself. I had pushed her away so much and the others too, I had made myself alone at a time when I needed people the most. Just as I always did. It was just a defence mechanism, because I am such an emotionally charged person the easiest thing to do is to avoid emotion at all costs. People cause emotion, therefore I avoided people. It always makes sense at the time and I always look back and think of all the options I could have chosen instead of that, yet somehow I always find myself in the same position.

I let myself slide down the wall beside the arch-way that led into the living room. My hands clasped to my mouth as I tried to keep my breathing steady and simultaneously subduing my sobs. My eyes were shut tight but somehow still overflowing with tears. I heard her voice once more and concentrated it on it, it calmed my breathing and I was able to listen to the rest of the girls conversation.

"We know each other that well. I mean we know each other better than we know ourselves and we always have, which confuses me because she knows me so well.. I mean how.. how does she not know that I- I.." She began to sob and I felt my own beginning to swell in my stomach, a sea of sadness ready to crash all over me.

"How does she not know that I love her. That I loved her back then? How did she not figure it out.. I mean, why is she so surprised, why is she ignoring it, ignoring me..? I just.." She whimpered again and I couldn't help but peek around the corner to look at her.

"Even just as her best friend... I deserve to be talked to you know?" She said again her thumb finding its way between her teeth, her face was scrunched and tears rolled down her already wet cheeks. She let herself crawl into Dinah's side as the youngest, rubbed her back soothingly.

That should be me. I should be the one comforting her and not the one that is hurting her. Hiding behind a wall, behind my own wall not just the one I was sat against. I really cared about Camila and no matter what she felt for me there was no way anything she said would change that, I was just being stubborn trying to change her. Why should it matter, she'd understand, wouldn't she? I mean I love her to bits, I love her more than anyone else I know, she deserves someone better than me. Better than this mess I've become, or maybe this mess that I've always been.

"She loves you too Mila you know she does." I couldn't take my eyes of Camila as the other girls began voicing their opinions.

"We know you've always loved her, that's not a new thing. But you know Lauren. She's as stubborn as hell and she wouldn't admit it to herself back then that she was in love with you...Even though we all knew and she still does now. Unfortunately she's just still stubborn." I looked up in shock to see Normani speaking. What? They think I was in love with her? That I am in love with her? I felt my eyebrows furrow and this time the youngest of the group spoke up.

"She'll come around Mila, she's just as crazy about you as you are. She's just too damn crazy to see that she's crazy. You know?" Dinah waved her hands about as she spoke causing Camila to giggle at her silliness. I smiled watching the brunette's features lighten up.

"I know we're meant to be you know?" Camila spoke again, her voice much calmer than before.

"I know it sounds stupid, but if there was anyone I couldn't live without - it's her. She's something I need and it's just so hard when she tries to pull herself out of my life because it's like she's pulling parts of me too." I concentrated on the younger girl as she spoke, she seemed so passionate, so confident.

"It's like we're fused together somehow, there's no way I'm going to end up somewhere that isn't with her." She said definitively, nodding her head to punctuate her sentence.

"I agree. Just being around you two. You can tell you have something special. Something some people only hope of finding." Finally the oldest was giving some words of advice. Everyone was captivated by her words, apart from music - this is what she did best. Help people.

I watched as the shortest began to rise from her seat. I ducked out of view quickly but found myself frozen in my position, needing to hear what Allyson had to say.

"People only look for that person when they're ready, sometimes their person, might have already found them." Her voice was getting closer to me but I still couldn't move, her words were hitting me like bricks leaving me immobilized.

"The thing is with you two, is you found each other before you looked and now your eyes are open and Lauren's still not ready." I turned my head as Ally's foot stepped up into the kitchen. I looked up at her wide-eyed as her eyes connected with mine and she let out a small 'oh'. I quickly moved my finger in front of my lips, my eyes pleading with her not to say anything, desperate for my cover not to be blown. Her eyes took in my appearance intently examining every aspect of me, my dark baggy clothes, my tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes.

"What?" I heard from the other room and watched as the shorter girl turned around to face the others.

"Nothing I just think I'm out of green tea...Do you guys want anything?" There was a series of mumbles and answers that I was too relieved to hear.

I let out a breath and watched as Ally dove into the cupboard taking out the suitable amount of mugs.

"You think she'll come around too Ally?" I heard Camila ask, I always knew how much the younger girl valued her opinion so I wasn't surprised that she was asking for more conformation. Ally stuck her head around the corner and smiled kindly at her.

"Yeah Mila, I do. I think you belong together and I agree with everything you said." She smiled once more and returned to her tea making or whatever it was speaking loudly enough for the others to hear her. When she was done she stopped her activities and turned to me, her eyes connected with mine but she still addressed the others.

"I think this goes beyond you two." Her face was serious and her eyes only doubled her expression.

"I mean if you think about it. The two of you are from the same place, with very similar heritage and a similar up-bringing and traditions. You have the same passions, music, reading and writing you like the same sorts of things, you bonded with each other on the X Factor before you were even put into a group and then when you were put into a group it was with each other." I frowned at her, but she merely raised her eyebrows and continued.

"That's hardly a coincidence, one way or the other you were going to meet each other. You're tied together by something. You were always supposed to be together." She finished and brought her mugs into the living room with her, leaving me silent.

I sat there for a moment longer, letting Allys words sink in. I tried to think of all the things that could have been different, if our parents had never moved from their homelands, would we have met if we were living in Cuba? If we never went for the X Factor would we have met in Miami? Maybe we would have gone to a musical college together, or met at a book-signing or at a concert... There was a plethora of different possibilities, everything that could have possibly been different about my life, there as still a chance that Camila would have been in it.

Was that something? Was that like a sign or was it just a ridiculous coincidence, I mean we were pretty similar people... Okay no we weren't we were pretty different people with a lot of similarities.

I began to get up from my position on the floor and sneak back to my room, my mind completely void of whatever food I had craved earlier when I heard Camila's voice again. I couldn't help but stop and listen to her.

"Thanks guys you're the best. I know I've been down and stuff but... She always makes me feel better, she just makes me better and there's no way I'm giving up on her." I felt my heart swell at her words, somehow they made me both ridiculously happy and dangerously sick.

"It's good to know that I've got you guys on my side." I imagined her smiling and my stomach did the weird sick thing again, I didn't know if it made me happy or going to make me cry more.

"It's not just you we're looking out for Mila, it's Lauren too. You need each other." That was Ally, she was obviously aware that I was still listening to the conversation.

"Yeah even if that girl doesn't know it yet, she doesn't function without you." Camila giggled at Dinah's words and I let a small smile attach to my lips.

"We're looking out for both of you."

With that I left the kitchen and closed the door silently behind me. My heart was racing, my breathing was erratic, my head was pounding and my stomach felt as if it contained a churning tide, my body was in overdrive and I didn't understand why. I lay flat on my bed tried to calm myself. My body was having an internal freak out and my mind was doing the opposite. It was blank, completely blank.

I didn't know what to think about what I had just heard. My three best friends had known that Camila was in love with me? The whole time? They thought that I was too? They thought we needed each other?

 Then there was Camila, who was gaining her memory back and everything she remembered, there was always.. I was always.. She was always, I mean... She had always loved me? It seemed irrational. How could I have missed, it if it was true?

What they said about me being stubborn was true, but I wasn't blind. I think if my best friend was in love with me for the past three years I would have recognised it.

Being back with my friends during the break was great. I mean I loved the girls in the band and it was great seeing my family again, but there's something special about seeing your best friend. Unlike my family who sometimes were able to see me at events and gigs and things, Alexa still had school and her part-time job, she couldn't just drop everything and travel half way across the country to come and see me, although sometimes I wished with all me heart that she could.

So finally coming home and being able to see her just made me so happy. The winter break was hectic, trying to catch up with everyone was tiring and on-top of all that I wanted to officially get my driving licence. Even though Alexa and I had met up several times already and even attended a concert together, it wasn't until I finally got my licence and asked her to go for a drive with me that we really got to talk properly.

"You seem super happy Laur, I'm glad." The girl in the passenger seat piped up as the radio changed songs.

"Yeah I'm so glad we can finally just chill..." I chuckled at her and I saw her glance at me in my peripheral.

"I didn't mean now... I mean like, in general. You know with life?" I gave her a quick look before returning my attention to the road. Alexa had never really been one for idle chit chat, we always scathed over trivial matters of boyfriends and school gossip, even when we had time for that sort of thing, our friendship was past that. She never avoided something she found important, yet she always remained tactful. A skill unfortunately I myself have never been able to attain.

"Yeah...?" I raised an eyebrow and decided I'd pull into the nearest car-park. It just so happened to be a hiking site. Our drive had turned somewhat into a road-trip and if I was honest I was a little lost, but that didn't worry me at that moment.

I left the car and locked it as Alexa joined my side. She hooked her arm through mine and we walked towards the entrance of the walk way. We chose a path and headed down it silently until Alexa found her voice again.

"You seem content you know? It's not just a ‘I'm living my dream’ thing, it's more than that." She smiled to herself, her eyes fixed on the path ahead of us. I felt my eyebrows furrow as I examined her expression.

"I am content. It's a nice place to be you know... I don't really have much to worry about, I make people happy and that makes me happy."

The brunette hummed in agreement at my statement and stayed quiet a few moments longer, she seemed deep in thought.

"If you had to give up tomorrow and could only keep one thing, what would you keep and would you still be happy?" She asked me smiling.

"My friendship with the girls, without a doubt. And yeah I'd still be happy."

"Well that tells me that the girls make you happy, not just you making other people happy." She turned off the path and sat down at a picnic table.

"The girls are people and I make them happy..."

"How so?"

"Just like... Just... I don't know I just do..." I frowned at her, she was now watching me intently.

"What are you trying to get at?" I asked almost frustrated now.

"I'm just trying to open your eyes Laur, for someone so insightful. You can be so blind."

I frowned and dismissed her comment as Alexa being weird. We had been away from each other for quite sometime maybe we weren't as in sync as we used to be. As we returned to the car I couldn't help but let my mind wander to the other girl who I was in sync with. If I had to give up everything tomorrow and could only keep one thing, there was no way I wouldn't keep her. I smiled to myself thinking of all the things that she had done over the past year and a bit that made me so happy. I climbed into the driver seat, with the grin still plastered onto my face, I was definitely keeping Camila.

Alexa sat into the car beside me and I could feel her eyes on me as I started up the car and headed back towards the city.

"I always knew you'd fall in love first. No matter how reluctant you were." I smiled at the darker girl and let out a light laugh.

"You make no sense sometimes."

"I always make sense Laur, you're just blind remember?" She laughed at me and I joined in.

"We should visit Camila and take her on an adventure, I miss her." She said suddenly and I glanced at her once more.

"That's so weird. I was just thinking about her." I let out another chuckle.

"I know, now eyes on the road Jauregui." I rolled my eyes, my brain taking a second to register the first half of her sentence.

"You're weird." I muttered, before making an alteration to my mental map and turning down the fastest route to the Cabello's.

I blinked the memory away. Alexa had said I was blind... Was all her stupid cryptic questions about Camila? Her statement about me being in love was that about Camila? I squinted my eyes shut and tried to push the thoughts out of my head. This was all so annoying, I just needed to get all of this out of my head. It was taking up too much of my time all this, thinking and worrying and... More thinking. I needed to forget about all this drama and get my head back to business we were going to be put back in the public eye in two weeks, having been out of action because of Camila's accident. Next week was some promotional photo shoot for our next single and then it was award shows and writing and recording the rest of the album.

I needed a clear head for all that, I needed a distraction from Camila. That's what the doctor would order. The doctor! My eyes shot open and I grabbed my phone, scrolling down looking for the contact I needed.

On the fourth ring she answered and I smiled coyly to myself.

"Hey doc, I need to get fucked are you free tonight?"

"Whoa Lauren, you're forward today, at least take me for dinner first!" The other voice laughed at the other end of the line and I couldn't help but let a smile dance on my lips.

"Maura c'mon I need a good night out, lots of dancing, loud music and an over-bearing amount of alcohol." I heard her hum on the other end of the line, but I already knew her answer. Maura never disappointed me and amazingly never turned down an opportunity to hang out. It was great.

"Sounds good, where do you wanna go?" I smiled once more before discussing further arrangements for our evening. I didn't even contemplate that this was becoming a problem, something going wrong and drinking it away. It was almost the same as pushing people away except instead of ignoring people, I ignored my problem. I would just forget about whatever my problem was for that one blissful night.

I didn't contemplate what would happen if that wasn't enough, or if I wanted to forget for more than one night, or if the alcohol made it worse. I just had it in my head that getting drunk with Maura that night was the best possible thing I could do. It would distract me and Maura being the good friend she was wouldn't let me get too bad, she was a doctor after all. It was a brilliant idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind words and messages, I really appreciate it and I know I didn't update as fast as some of you wanted me to, but I think I'm getting better. Thanks guys ily x


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help but smile broadly at the brunette, although I could now see each shade of brown and red and blonde, floating around her head as she swayed in time to the distant music, everything seemed to slow down as she moved.

"I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG!" I could see she was shouting but I could hardly hear her. The club was vibrating in time to the bass and I felt so intoxicated by the music and the atmosphere, not just the alcohol. Maura was right beside me her arms flung above her head and her body moving in time to the beat. My own body was probably doing the same but I could barely feel it anymore.

We had been here for hours already, the music making us drink and the drink making us need more music. It was the party cycle and I loved it. I loved this feeling, I loved not caring and I loved not needing to think about any of the drama in my life right now.

I twirled myself around lazily and looked back over at the brunette, who was in her own world. Her crop top was showing off her stomach with a thin layer of sweat making it shine with every flash of light, her face had a similar wetness to it and her hair was starting to curl. Her pupils were blown and one of them kept trying to shut of its own accord, she moved in time with the music but her green eyes were locked on mine, even the droopy one. Those were drunk eyes if I ever saw them. 

I saw a woman come up behind her in my peripheral close to her ear but I couldn't take my eyes away from hers, it was too difficult to concentrate on that many things with the amount of alcohol I had consumed.

"LAUR STOP LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND COME DANCE WITH ME!" I saw the womans mouth move but heard the voice beside me. It took a second to realise what was happening, I turned to face the voice and found Maura giving me a questioning look, I then turned back to the girl I had been staring at and saw myself frowning back.   
I bent over almost immediately, crippled with laughter. I felt the student come down beside me, obviously to ask if I was okay. I could barely get any words out, but when I did it was all I needed to say.

"I'M ABSOLUTELY FUCKED!" I laughed at her.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!" She flashed me a smile and winked before continuing her dancing.

We danced for hours and it was everything I needed, my stamina was unbelievable because of the years of dance routines, the hours of rehearsal. I knew if I wanted to I could dance for the whole night but the thirst had hit me hard and I always seemed to be the one to pull the other girl from the dancefloor to the bar.   
I was pretty sure if the bartender didn't know that I was someone of some importance we would have been refused drinks a few hours ago, but this guy wasn't stupid he knew he was making money and I sure as hell wasn't going to stop until I physically couldn't pull my money from my purse and even then it wouldn't be out of choice.

"Shots?" I heard a voice say and I nodded absentmindedly still fiddling with the clasp on my bag. Maybe I wasn't too far from not being able to get into it. 

"Need a hand there beautiful?" I looked up to find a pair of blue eyes looking down on me, or maybe it was two pairs I wasn't too sure. He seemed a nice enough guy, it was sort of hard to tell. Everyone liked to pretend they were nice people.

"I'm fine thanks." I managed to get out quite eloquently. 

"How about I buy you a drink then?" He raised one of his many eyebrows and I giggled at how strange he looked, but luckily enough I didn't have to say anything because the med student came to my rescue.

"She's fine thank you." She smiled nicely at him and draped her arm around my shoulder protectively. 

"I wasn't asking you. I'm sure she can speak for herself."

"Yeah and when she does it'll be to someone a lot nicer than you, jerk so back off."

I wanted to start egging them on as if it was some sort of battle but I couldn't get the noises out right, it all seemed to turned into muffled laughter and giggles along the way. Maura's arm turned me gently and towards the bar where the bar man was pouring out our shots. 

That guy soon left us alone but it wasn't long til another tried and Maura protected me. Then another and the same happened again, Maura was there to defend me when my mouth was failing me and my mind was incapacitated.

"Thanks." I smiled into her ear as we danced closer together, out hips were in sync, my knee was in-between her thighs and her knee between mine. Her hand had slipped up under my crop top and was touching my bare back holding me close to her. She pulled me in and spoke into my ear, her breathe was heavy and I knew that if I was in anyway sober it would have reaked of alcohol.

"I'm having a really good night!" She pulled back and smiled at me, I try to reciprocate my nodding and mouthing my response, it wasn't as if my mouth would work on my command if I tried to speak anyway.

She moved closer to me again her lips grazing my cheek.

"Do you know what would make it better?" 

"What?" I wasn't sure if she heard me but she continued anyway.

"If we got really fucking buzzed!" What? That didn't even make sense? But next thing I knew she was pulling me off the dance floor and towards the bathroom. Everyone was blurring passed us and nobody seemed to think it wasn't normal so I just smiled and followed along wobbling behind her. 

She ushered me into a cubical and locked the door behind us. 

"Do you need to pee?" I asked trying to flatten myself against the side of the cubical but Maura just laughed me off and continued rooting through her purse until she pulled out a small see through plastic bag, with a fine white powder in it.

"I'm not doing coke." I said immediately and I was suprised at how well my sentence was put together. Maura just laughed again before opening the bag.

"This isn't coke." She whispered licking her finger tip and putting it into the bag so it picked up the powder. 

"It's Mescaline. Have you ever done anything before?" She asked as she took her finger into her mouth and sucked the small layer of white dust from her finger.

"I uh... smoked a few times but.." I looked at her opened mouthed as she took some more onto her finger.

"Oh well it's kinda like that.. I mean this is smokeable too but it's better." She repeated her action as before and offered the bag towards me.

"It's made from a cactus it's like practically the same as weed just a different plant.." She smiled kindly as I eyed the bag suspiciously. When I didn't move she sighed and lowered her arm.

"I'm training to be a doctor I wouldn't do something that could end us up in hospital. Trust me it's cool... and if you don't want to do it that's cool too I just thought you'd like.."

"No it's cool, yeah yeah I trust you." I mumbled my words together, trying to sound confident.

What was the worst that could happen I was already pissed out of my mind and she was a doctor in training after all... 

I copied her actions and wet my finger and dipped it into the fine white powder, I hesitated slightly before taking it into my mouth and sucking it clean. It tasted horrible, like most medication does but it was worse than anything I had ever been prescribed. It made my mouth go dry almost immediately and I felt an urge to wet every crevace of my mouth with my tongue but before I could, Maura shook the small bag in front of me once more. 

I looked up to find her finger leaving her mouth once more so I put my own into the drug and took some more, it didn't seem all that bad the second time.

"Come on!" The brunette whispered hurridely putting the white powder back into her purse and closing it swiftly. She flushed the toilet and opened the door whilst laughing loudly, I didn't know what was so funny but I joined in. Soon enough I found myself light-headed and almost everything was funny. We stumbled back to the dancefloor and immersed ourselves in the music once more. Maura stayed closer to me this time, probably looking out for me because it was my first time using.

It was only about three songs until I realised I was coming up. The people around us began merging and separating strangley, all the shapes on the dancefloor were becoming more angular as if I could see what they were originally drawn from. Each colour was more vivid, incandescent almost. The music was louder but fuzzier at the same time, never quite clear enough to be in the same room. Maybe it was just my head that was in a different room.

I couldn't help but smile broadly at the brunette, although I could now see each shade of brown and red and blonde, floating around her head as she swayed in time to the distant music, everything seemed to slow down as she moved. I watched opened mouth as her hair danced either side of her head.

The older woman looked up at me slowly, or maybe it was at normal speed but I saw it in slow motion. Her eyes locked onto mine, her brown irises brightened as they connected with me, I couldn't help feel like they were missing a warmth, a certain familiarity.

I felt her hands hook onto my hips and travel to the small of my back. Her touch burnt my skin, I could feel all the blood rushing to where our skin met. Travelling through my veins and rushing to explode where ever her hand would touch me. I could feel the rest of my skin crawling, needing to feel her burning touch.

Our eyes never left one another, but we were closer now, our hips connected still swaying in time to the music. My smile had long left me and I was just concentrating on her eyes, the way the brown swam around her pupil, it wasn't the way I wanted it to be it was foreign and her pupils were too big, too dark, but they were there. They were there and they were talking to me and they wanted me. I may have been more drunk than I had ever been in my entire life and with the addition of narcotics, my mind wasn't at all what it should have been, but I could still see that those eyes wanted me. 

What did I want? I wanted those brown eyes to want me, even if something about them felt wrong. I wanted that burning sensation all over my body. I wanted more music. I wanted the feeling of a body against mine, rubbing against me in all the right places. I wanted to be touched. I didn't want to be ignored.

I made sure that I was Maura's main attention all night, any guys that came up to us were all turned down. Our bodies intertwined for the entire night, hands roaming, hips thrusting, lips never quite touching. It was intoxicating everything I was feeling was heightened and I couldn't help but take more of the fine white powder when we escaped to the bathroom just before closing time. 

I stood infront of the mirror, watching as the almost unrecognizable version of me stared back, green eyes almost completely black, whether it was from the drugs, or lust, or excitement or the bad lighting I wasn't sure. My hair was wild and curly from sweating, my face shining with sweat.

My eyes were distracted by a cubicle door opening and two girls falling out. They were giggling together, their hair wild, lipstick smudged their fingers intertwined. They gave me a small embarrassed smile as they left and just before the door closed I was sure I saw half a thong sticking out of one of their handbags.  
I felt my jaw go slack and my cheeks redden. 

"Yes they just had sex, don't look so surprised." I heard Maura beside me and I turned to face her. Her tongue was running along her gums and her head was moving in erratic-too-fast movements.

"Let me fix you up..." She said raising her hands to comb through my hair. I watched her closely and let my lower lip slide between my teeth. Her eyes jumped to mine, then to my lips and back to my eyes. A small smirk formed on her face and then next thing I know my back is against the cold tiles of the wall. Maura's hands have gone from combing to my hair to getting lost in it, her eyes are still staring into mine but she is so close I can feel the heat of her breath on my lips.

Without thinking I let my hands grab her hips and pull her into me, closing the smallest distance that remained between us. I connected our lips in a desperate kiss, needy and sloppy. I captured her lower lip between my teeth and bit down, not caring how hard and if it hurt her because it was giving me so much pleasure. I kissed her again, licking along her lower lip. She allowed me entrance and our tongues duelled in a battle for dominance. I would have won but I was stunned into submission by the sights I was seeing behind my eyelids.

Colours and shapes exploded, each belonging to a different feeling and different stroke of her tongue or press of her body. She controlled me and pressed harder into me, her thigh now firmly between my legs, one hand caressing my ribs the other entangled in my hair. She kissed me hard until I had to pull away from dizziness, the kaleidoscope-type images I was seeing were driving me crazy I knew I was coming up again.

"My-my place?" The older brunette spoke quickly repeating herself every so often, her eyes looked for my arm and after a moment she mananged to grab it and pull me out the door. 

The dancefloor was now empty as was the rest of the bar, the music had stopped and there were only a few stragglers left. The med student dragged me straight forward towards the door we had arrived through, muttering rapidly to herself. The bouncers opened the doors for us and we were greeted with flashes and questions, most of which I couldn't hear or chose not to hear. I kept my head down and my mouth shut, I had almost forgotten about this side of my life and I was glad. That was what the point of tonight and I had definitely achieved it.

We dove into the first cab that we were met with and Maura spoke up immediately giving her address, repeating almost all of her words once they had tumbled out of her mouth. I felt my heart speeding up, scared that the taxi driver would somehow know there was something wrong with her. The danger excited me and even though the girl beside me was jittery and nervous all I could do was giggle.

I let my hands fly to my mouth but they somehow hit me in the neck, I let them crawl up and find my mouth where I tried my best to supress the wave of giggles that was to follow. I felt two pairs of eyes on me but I really didn't care. I glanced at Maura and shut my eyes tight trying my hardest not to break out in laughter. I felt a shift in the air and suddenly her warm breath was on my ear, her voice whispering it's way into what consciousness I had left.

"You're high, Jauregui." I laughed some more into my hand, slobbering all over it. 

"You need a tan." I replied bluntly, I don't know what possessed me to say it but it came out. Maura's eyebrow rose in confusion and wavered for a moment. Maybe it didn't but everything was starting to wobble and wiggle. I could barely make my eyes concentrate on one thing at a time, my mouth had obviously decided to just talk of it's own accord and when it wasn't I was chewing my gums. It wasn't long until the cab stopped and Maura was ushering me out and we were making our way up the stairs, only stopping to indulge ourselves in each others lips.

We fumbled through her door and made it to the bedroom easily leaving items of clothing along the way, I didn't even have time to take in my surroundings. I was on the bed with the brunette on top of me, clad in nothing but her underwear which were small enough anyway. My hands scratched down her back to her ass, I was confused when it wasn't as plump as I wanted it to be. Her lips enveloped mine and I could tell she was a skilled kisser but I still felt like she was doing it all wrong. Her bites were just a bit too harsh, her tongue too big, too sweet, her hands didn't move as smoothly up and down my body. 

That didn't stop me from enjoying myself, it wasn't long before she was elicting moans from my swollen lips. I could feel my mind confusing everything, but I just let it happen. My hands curled into her hair and even though it wasn't as thick as I wanted it to be, I started to pretend it was, the drugs were contorting reality and suddenly her hair was thicker, her kisses were more in-tune with how I wanted it and my moans became more frequent and it wasn't long til my mouth was synched with my brain and I was moaning her name.

"Camz.." I flipped her over, so she was on her back and I was pushing into her harshly, my excitement getting the better of me.

"Mmm Camz.." I bit on her lip and immediately kissed it better, I began moving my way down her jaw, nipping at her neck. I rested my head on the pillow next to her as I made sure to leave marks on her neck.

I think I blacked out after that, I don't remember much of what happened. 

 

* * *

 

When I awoke, my eyes still closed I wasn't sure where I was. My senses were still heightened but somehow blurred, I knew I was still under the influence - of something I wasn't sure. There was so much of last night I couldn't remember. 

I became aware of my surroundings, a small arm wrapped around my abdomen, the short breaths tickling my neck and the lack of clothes. The situation seemed almost too familiar and I couldn't help but let my mouth curl into a smile. I felt a blush run to my cheeks and I bit my lip nervously. Why was I smiling? I let my mind wander to the girl who was wrapped around me. She had been my bestfriend for the past three years, she had always been the one to understand what I was going through. She had always been the girl that I went to when I needed something, we had formed a... strange relationship as kids, it was almost naive of me to presume that nothing would develop from that. Who was I to tell Camila what she did and didn't feel? And now, I was waking up for the second time in her bed, with no clothes on I might add. 

I thought back to that dinner I had with my father almost a month ago. He had told me everything I didn't want to hear, but he must have known it was everything I needed to hear, I really needed to apologize. For everything, for being a douche, for not believing her, for giving her the cold shoulder, but mostly for being a shitty best friend.  
I rolled to face her and opened my eyes, the light was bright and it took a moment for them to adjust.

"Ca- " My breathing stopped as I looked properly at the girl lying next to me. Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. I looked around hoping this was some sort of dream, but the room was completely unrecognizable, not at all Camila's. I felt my heart sink as I looked back at the girl in the bed. 

"Shit..." I sighed as my eyes discovered that she was also naked. I contemplated waking her and asking what happened last night but I couldn't bring myself to do it, besides it was pretty obvious what went down between us. Instead, I took her arm and lifted it lightly, making sure not to wake her. I slid from the bed and began gathering my clothes.   
I changed in the living room and found that I couldn't find my purse, after searching everywhere I had found my clothing I concluded I must have left it in the bedroom. I peeked around the door to see if Maura was awake, but she wasn't she was still passed out cold and there was my purse on the bedside table right beside her. I tip-toed in delicately hoping beyond hope that I wouldn't wake her. That would be an awkward conversation and a half. 

I stretched to grab my purse from the table-top without getting too close to the bed but as I grabbed my purse it knocked Maura's off the table and it fell to the floor with a small clatter. I locked my jaw and braced myself my eyes flinging to the sleeping figure on the bed but she didn't move an inch. I moved forwards to pick up her purse and put it back on the table but the contents of her purse were now scattered across the floor. 

I quickly gathered them constantly checking to make sure Maura was asleep, my eyes flickered and my hand caught on something plastic. I looked down and dropped it immediately. 

A small plastic bag of white powder.

My head spun in confusion and realisation, drugs. I had done drugs with Maura last night, along with, I'm sure a plethora of other things.  
I dropped the bag and ran out of the apartment as quick as I could, this time not caring how much noise I made. I tried to run down the stairs and nearly toppling myself several times. My whole body was in a panic and I could feel myself begin to sweat. What the fuck was I thinking taking drugs? As I slammed my way out of the front door and down the street the fresh air hit me too hard and I ended up doubling over and getting sick. That was lovely, _just lovely._

I had to get home somehow but I needed to calm down first. My breathing was haywire and I couldn't seem to keep my gaze on just one thing. I could feel my eyes constantly moving in their sockets but I had no control over them, they would glance at a hundred things before looking at what I needed. I became ridiculously aware that I was now around people, people who would undoubtedly recognise my face. I began to walk down the street, my head down avoiding everyones eye contact at all costs. If there was anything worse than a walk of shame, it was a walk of shame that everyone saw. 

It could have been paranoia, that was a side-effect of most drugs right? I was sure I was being followed but I was to scared to look behind me. I didn't even know what direction I was going in, but I had this horrible increasing feeling that I was being followed. That everyone was looking, that everyone would judge me. Everyone would magically know what happened last night. I felt my head twitching and I began looking either side of me. A few heads turned and their eyebrows shot up in surprise. That made me walk faster, at some point managing to kick my shoes off and start to run not caring what sorts of things were getting on my feet. 

This time I looked straight ahead of me, I hadn't even considered looking around me to see where I was. I didn't recognize it anyway so it was little help, but it was in the city and I was heading further into it. I felt like a injured soldier in a labrinth, there was no way I could get home without someone noticing me. With that I glanced behind me and saw that I was indeed being followed, I couldn't tell whether they were fans or people looking to make some money, so I just ran faster. I turned back around feeling my eyes begin to well up, I was sure my feet were bleeding, my legs also causing me pain from the nights shenanigans. 

I heard my name being called once I had looked around and acknowledged my pursuers. I just ignored them and kept my eyes open for the nearest cab. I couldn't let them see me in this state, not up close. I could only imagine that state I was in, my make-up and hair were probably messed up so bad and not to mention whatever state my eyes were in - hangover, drugs, tears and exhaustion were not a good combination.

My eyes finally found a taxi and I made for it desperately, somehow not comprehending that I was crossing a major road. There was a bunch of screechs, brakes and people, horns and shouting but I could barely talk my eyes were burning at this stage along with my throat. I just wanted to be home and forget everything I had done. This time without the help of alcohol or narcotics because _LOOK HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT LAUREN._ I clambered into the back of the taxi and locked the door behind me, just incase. 

"Y-Your..." The taxi driver started nervously and I tried my best to send him a kind smile.

"Yeah I am. Would you mind taking me home?" I asked presuming he knew where we lived, most people did. There was always fans and paps outside our gates.

"Ofcourse Ma'am." He smiled managing to loose the stutter, putting the cab into gear he pulled off down the street. Leaving a small mob of people behind us. It didn't last for long because, much to my dismay, the lights at the next intersection. I felt myself starting to panic and looked around the cab desperately. I caught a glimpse of my cabbie's name card and tried a few deep breaths before addressing him.

"Hey Steve?" 

"Y-Yes Miss. Jauregui?" He was so cute with his little stutter. I chuckled at him softley.

"Please call me Lauren. I was wondering if you would have any sunglasses I could borrow?" I saw his smile broaden in the mirror as he reached across the passenger seat to the glove compartment.

"Sure thing Miss. Jauregui." He said handing me back a pair of fake rays. 

"It's Lauren and thanks Steve." I smiled at him quickly fixing them onto my face. It was just in time as well because moments later there was flashes all around the car. I just kept my head down and tried to seem composed, but looking down I found that my feet were in-fact bleeding and not only were they bleeding on Steve's floor, but there was a small shard of glass stuck in to the side of my left foot. How did that even get there? 

"I'm terribly sorry about this Steve.." I said looking at my feet trying to put my left on top of my right.

"It's okay, it'll probably be great for business. If you don't mind me saying." I frowned in confusion and looked up to see that he was smiling for pictures, completely oblivious to the bloody mess I was making in the back of his cab.

I couldn't help but laugh and soon, it turned into a full blown belly laugh, tears streaming down my face. Steve looked back at me and I grabbed his arm for support.

"Steve you're so funny!" I managed before hicupping into another fit of laughter.

"I like you!" I laughed some more and before I knew it the cab was moving again, albeit very slowly.

"Thank you Miss. Jauregui." 

"Lauren." 

"Right - Thank you Lauren."

I calmed down finally and was confused as to why we were moving so slowly, the people with camera's were walking along the side of the car still taking pictures to their hearts content.

"How come we're crawling Steve?" I asked smiling at him. He looked at me bashfully in the mirror before turning his attention back to the road.

"I'm scared I'm gonna run over one of them..." I couldn't help but smile warmly at him.

"It's okay Steve they're used to this, just speed up slowly. They'll get the hint and back off." I smiled sitting back into my seat comfortably. Watching as the kind man in the front mimed 'Sorry' out the window. Soon enough we got onto a road I recognised and I was so grateful that I had found Steve's cab when I did because we were pretty far out.   
Steve was good company, he was an interesting guy. He had a family and worked in the cab to pay his bills but he was back at college training to be a teacher. I couldn't think of a nicer guy to have as a teacher really. Once we arrived at the gates we were greeted by flashed once more, but this time I was feeling much better, still with the aid of my cabbie's sunglasses I smiled for a few pictures while activating the gate from my phone. Steve pulled up to the front door and I tried to give him some money but he was having none of it.

"No honestly, my daughter's going to freak at this autograph. I really can't ask for money when I know you'll be making her smile. That's payment enough." I blushed unwillingly handing him back his sunglasses and sighing heavily. 

"Well do you have a card Steve, because I made a mess of the carpet and would at least like to pay for that.." His brow furrowed in confusion as he looked down towards my feet and the bloodstained carpet.

"Oh my gosh, Miss. Jaur- Lauren! Your foot has glass in it. I can bring you to the hospital and yo-" I cut him off. The hospital was the _last_ place I wanted to go. 

"I'm fine thanks Steve honestly, but I will be contacting you again to get it cleaned up okay?" I asked my eyebrows raised questioningly as I reached onto the dash and took one of his business card. I smiled and said my goodbyes, sneakily hiding a fifty in his pocket when I gave him a short hug. If this music thing didn't work out, I'd be a great theif.

I waved him down the driveway and hoped that he wouldn't be scared of running any of the paps over outside. I laughed to myself as I pushed the front door open and walked into the living room. I looked up and saw all the girls looking at me, Camila jumping up to meet me. 

I felt my breath hitch and my chest swell as she moved closer to me. Her leg was almost fully healed now and she was moving much smoother.

"Where have you been?" She asked her eyes wide with worry as she examined my face.

"What's wrong with your eyes? God you smell atrocious." She gasped stepping back and dropping her head. I really didn't care I just wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her everything but I didn't know much and with what I had to go on, it didn't sound like a very good story.

"What happened to your feet? What the hell Lauren?!" She said as her eyes caught the bloody mess that were still somehow recognisable as my feet.

"I-I-I.." I suddenly felt nervous and felt the sweats coming on again. I couldn't form a sentence and my next to tries weren't much better, I couldn't help but laugh at myself finding that my giggles were getting the better of me.

"Lauren... Are you.." Camila frowned the other girls were now standing around me assesing the damage. Camila's brown eyes flickered between mine, concentrating on each one for a moment too long. I felt my own eyes begin to flicker again, I couldn't keep her gaze or anyones gaze my eyes once again had a mind of there own and for some reason I found it funny. I bit in a laugh and heard Camila gasp.

"You're fucking high?!" She spat incredulously. I felt by heart drop, was it still there? In my system was it really that obvious? _What the fuck was I on?_

"I can't believe you Lauren, we were worried sick. You missed the fitting this morning too by the way." She began to walk away. I turned to follow her desperately needing to explain myself.

"N-no. C-Camz.." I tried stepping forward but tumbled onto my knees my purse dropping out of my hand and opening with a crash onto the floor at her feet.

"Your a mess Lauren." She looked down with tears in her eyes. I couldn't fix this right now but I knew I needed to. That was the first time she had spoken to me in weeks, she was worried so she did still care but it wasn't exactly how I had wanted it to go. I sighed collecting my stuff and turning back to the other girls. I now had tears of my own in my eyes and my lip was starting to quiver.

The other girls were angry too and I knew I'd lose an arm and a leg with management over this but right now I needed help. I let my tears fall.

"I n-n-need help with..." I began stuttering again and this time it wasn't just because of the stupid drugs, I could feel my chest heaving and the lump in my throat building.

"F-f-foot." I finished finally, looking desperately between the girls. Normani looked at the others before looking back at me.

"I'm gonna go make sure Mila's okay." She said shortly before leaving. I looked between the other two and felt myself getting weak, the loss of blood not a good addition to everything I was feeling right now. 

"Lauren..." Ally said her voice breaking, her eyes wet. I could hear the disappointment in her voice and that hurt more than my foot ever could. She shook her head and moved to my side, lifting my arm over her shoulder. I leaned into her releaving the pressure off my foot. 

"We've got you come on." I looked to see Dinah doing the same, they both helped me into the bathroom in my room. They moved a chair into the shower and sat me on it. They stripped me down and I didn't even care that they were seeing me naked. I was just staring blank at the door as they pulled the glass from my foot and cleaned me up. I just sat there and cried, feeling utterly helpless. Who wouldn't when you can't even help yourself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, to be honest I was waiting for undone to update. I just want to thank everyone who's reading and leaving me lovely messages, here and on tumblr. It's really great to see positive feedback and it encourages me to write more, so thank you very much! (: 
> 
> Also because of the drama this week the next chapters getting a flashback and those usually take a little longer to write... Just a warning. :P ily x


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was almost impossible to deny her when she wanted something.

**9 Missed Calls 14 New Messages**

  
I groaned at my phone and threw it back into my bag.

"I'm just going to the bathroom." There was a few grumbles of acknowledgement, except for one. She just stayed silent, she was always silent. 

I hated these little rehearsal breaks, the girls would grab their phones and out of habit I would grab mine. There was always missed calls and texts since the other day when I had my little breakdown. Management had already gone off on one, the media going wild with videos of a twitching Lauren Jauregui running throw a pretty shifty looking part of LA. That was the last thing I needed, as if my image as the "rogue" one of the group wasn't bad enough, I had now fulfilled the bad girl part of my image as well and everyone thought it was intentional. 

I still couldn't believe that I had really stooped that low. My foot was fine but it wasn't the only thing that was damaged. The girls barely trusted me, Camila wouldn't breathe a word to me. Sometimes she couldn't even stay in the same room as me and that really hurt. As hypocritical as it sounds, because for weeks prior I had been doing the exact same thing to her. Typical Lauren dick- move, it's alright when I do it but when someone does it to me? That's a different story all together. 

I had also regressed in my revelation's about Camila. I mean sure I missed her, but that was because she was always my best friend and despite all the bad things being high did, it opened my eyes to how much I missed my best friend. The whole other thing was totally drug induced, I mean there's no possible way Camila and I could ever work out anyway, there wasn't a person on this Earth that would disagree with me. Except maybe Camila - and Camren shippers, but that's beside the point. I mean, it's a terrible idea to fall for a band mate. Not that you can choose and not that I'd go as far to say I've "fallen" for her. I just mean it's impractical and my "attraction" or whatever it is, that's just admiration. 

It's hard not to admire her, she's been through much and is still going. Even before the crash there was school, everyone who didn't believe in her, the sub thing she was put in for X Factor, all the people who would publicly dislike her, then there was the crash, the memory loss, the people again who didn't believe her... _No Lauren that was just you._ I swallowed heavily and turned on the tap, covering my hands in water and splashing it over my face.

Today was the second time that I hadn't been followed to the bathroom "just in case". I told them it was ridiculous because I wasn't a user, it was a one time thing and of course I got a "that's what they all say" and a "it's for the good of the band", sort of talk. It was nice to have this small bit of trust but I knew I'd have to do so much more to get their trust back, but this was a start. 

As I re-entered the rehearsal room Ally and Normani were still entranced by their phones. Dinah was obviously helping Camila with some of the Choreo. She had started before us to learn all the stuff we already knew, the crash didn't change her terrible dancing skills, but I wouldn't want it to. That was one of the things I loved about Camz. She looked great even though she was a terrible dancer.

_That was a platonic love._

_And a platonic "looks great"._

I didn't realise I was staring until everyone was staring back at me. My eyes were fixed on the younger girl, my brain searching through everything I could possibly say to her. Just to get a reaction, maybe even see her smile. I took a deep shaky breath, all the sounds around me unimportant. My entire being was just concentrated on Camila so it wasn't until she spoke that I was shocked out of my trance.

"Turn your phone off. This is a rehearsal not a meth call centre." She turned back around to Dinah who gave her a sad look. I felt my senses come back to me, one of our old tracks was playing on the speakers for Camila and Dinah to dance to. My phone was ringing once again and I knew who it was without even looking. 

I walked over to my bag and hunched over it trying to make sure that nobody would see me. I picked up the call and spoke sharply into the receiver, still trying to remain unheard. 

"This has to stop. Please stop calling me." I hung up immediately not even waiting for her to respond. I then deleted all the messages she had sent me, along with the missed calls. 

"Lauren?" I turned to see Ally behind me, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I thought you said you didn't - " I shushed her almost immediately looking around to make sure nobody else was listening. Grabbing her arm I took her outside the rehearsal room and into the corridor.

"I lied." I blurted suddenly, almost glad I had been caught. 

"I did know her. I thought she was a friend but still don't remember much of it and I just... She has a life you know and as much as she messed up mine. I can't wreck hers. At least

I can handle this, you know?" My mouth rambled my hands flying into action. 

"You told everyone you didn't know who gave you the drugs because you wanted to protect her?" Ally asked me I couldn't tell if she was annoyed or not.

"I just... She's not entirely ba-"

"Don't you dare say that! She's a drug dealer! A - a user! An encourager of bad ethics!" I couldn't help giggle at that, but the older girl gave me a stern look.

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"Is that where you stayed?" She asked her tone softer. I nodded my head, my eyes downcast.

"Girls breaks over." We looked up and saw Normani's head popped through the door. I was about to walk back into the hall when Ally stopped me. Her voice was softer this time.

"You're too nice. That wasn't your call to make and even though it would have saved you a lot of drama, you still did it." I didn't know if it was a question, I just looked at her wide eyed.

"You're a good person Laur, we all know that. It was just a shock, they'll all come around." I swallowed heavily at her words, my eyes stinging with familiar tears. I nodded at her, trying to hold myself together and turned back to the rehearsal room. 

I took my place beside Normani and looked at myself in the mirror. Hair back in a tight ponytail, make-up at the bare minimum but still stopping my cheeks from shining that horrible bright red. I wasn't a bad person, I repeated Ally's words in my head over and over again. The older girl came up to me and touched my arm, I bent to her level in reflex and she whispered into my ear.

"Even her." She gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked back over to her spot on the opposite side of the room. I smiled and mimed her a small thank you through the mirror.

She merely nodded and I turned my attention back to my reflection and the job at hand. 

_One day at a time Lauren. One day at a time_.

 

* * *

 

The following day it was an early call, make-up, wardrobe, prep. It was time to get back to the publicity side of our job and as much as I couldn't wait, I was also dreading it.

Luckily we were starting small with a radio show interview to kickstart our come-back. Not that we were gone for long, really it was just for Camila's recovery and of course there was going to be a lot of questions people wanted to know about that but I was sure I wouldn't be put on the back burner for long. A lot of people were trying to get the gossip on what went down with me last weekend. The only information we had given them was a press release after the videos and pictures went viral, much to my discomfort. 

I managed to get myself to the van first and climbed into one of the very back seats, that way the girls had the option of whether or not they want to sit beside me. After my small chat with Ally yesterday, I had a renewed faith that the girls would forgive me. Ally and her faith.

"Mind if I sit?" I looked up to Normani's brilliant smile greeting me.

"No, if you don't mind.. me?" _Wonderful eloquent response there Lauren, well done_. I may have had faith they'd forgive me eventually but I was still a stuttering mess just in case I'd say something incriminating. The older girl chuckled and sat down beside me fastening herself into her seat.

"You know Lo, I've got your back okay?" She smiled kindly once she had finished.

"Thanks."

"Yeah same here Laur." My smile broadened once more as Dinah climbed into the seats in front of us, closely followed by Ally who gave me a wink. She must have talked with them, of course she talked with them, _it's Ally._

"Thanks guys, I really apprecia-" I stopped dead in my tracks as the fifth and final member of the band entered the van. I wondered if Allyson had also spoken to her, what Ally had said and what Camila had answered. I wondered what Camila thought of me now, if she thought of me at all. She couldn't possibly go from telling me she was in love with me to not even thinking about me, that was ridiculous. I wondered how she kept herself from talking to me when she had so desperately needed to when I was the one ignoring her and if - 

"You're staring." I felt my ribs being nudged and I was snapped from my thoughts by Normani's hushed voice.

"Uh, 'preciate it." I mumbled feeling a rush of blood race to my cheeks. Turning my gaze away from the brown eyed girl who had silently raised an eyebrow at me. 

The ride to the radio station was a short one, it was in downtown L.A and the girls kept me amused with their usual brash quips and sing-a-longs, not much had changed in 3 years. Camila and I never speaking a word. Arriving at the radio station we were greeted with a bombardment of bright white lights. The pathway was swamped with photographers and fans, all screaming and shouting for attention.

Both the security teams, our own and the radio station, cleared a pathway for us to get through. It was phenomenal as always, but once the slurs started I felt my mentality recede to my sixteen year old self. It was all I could hear, my ears were only homing in on the negative. I felt a hand on my back and I knew it was Ally, she placed it on the small of my back and smiled towards the flashes. I knew she was there for me and I knew Normani and Dinah were too but it was the last member of our quintet that didn't and she was the most important. She was the one that could get me through anything, she was the one who had always had my back, in the business and behind the scenes, even back at home, she was always there for me.

_Except now._

I watched as the flashes lit up her tiny figure, her hips hugged by a tight dark green skirt stopping on her mid-thigh, elongating her legs. Her hand was on her hip her stomach on show and the rest of her covered by a loose white crop top and black leather bomber jacket. It was different from her old image, it was as if she had suddenly grown up, stole half my wardrobe and decided to be sexy. _That was so not okay._

"Staring." Ally whispered and I snapped my attention back to the photographers in front of and put on my best smile. _What the hell was wrong with me today?_

"Ally, Ally over here. Look to your left." I automatically turned my head, sure he had called her name but I was right beside her.

"I wasn't talking to you druggie. You shouldn't even be in this band you're such a mess and a bad influence for your fans." He snapped quickly his words spat from his mouth and burrowed their way through me. I felt my whole body shiver and my eyes well up, but before I could compose myself Dinah was in front of him.

"You watch your mouth or get that camera shoved down it. She is perfect compared to your little sorry ass existence so back-the-fuck-off." She said motioning her hand for the security to move him to the back of the crowd. She turned to me immediately and raised her eyebrows at me but I was completely immobilized all the shouting was getting louder and too many people were agreeing with what had just been said. The only thing I could concentrate was on keeping the tears from escaping my eyes. 

Everything around me seemed to blur, Dinah gave Ally some sort of nod and she walked me towards the other girl. They then both linked my arms and brought me in to the lobby of the radio station, leaving all the slurs and insults behind the closed doors. I was sat down onto a couch and handed a glass of water by the youngest. The two girls sat either side of me each with a hand on my back, or knee or in mine.

"You alright Lo?" I closed my mouth and nodded still not wanting to break the intense eye contact I had with the floor.

"Lauren?" Hearing my full name I just gave up, I let my eyes close and the tears fell from them sobs escaping my lips and filling the almost silent room. I felt myself being pulled into a hug and I just let it happen curling in to whoever it was. My arms wrapped around her back and I pulled my knees up into my chest, falling further into her embrace.

"It okay hun. We've got you." Dinah whispered into my hair and I felt another sob escape me. Management weren't going to let Dinah get away with being so blatantly rude to someone, there was probably video's being uploaded right now, not to mention the whole debaucle would probably come up in our interview upstairs. I was glad she was such a good friend but I felt bad because she was going to get in trouble for me, I mean I could have handled it I was just caught off guard. 

I heard the voices from outdoors swell as the lobby door opened presumably letting our other two bandmates in. I sat up immediately and looked at Dinah, I knew my make up was probably half way down my face at this stage but I couldn't let Camila see me in this state. The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I couldn't handle the consequences of what I had done.

"I'm just going to the bathroom." I said quickly getting up and rushing towards the restrooms. 

I cleaned myself up easily, doing make-up had become so much easier with the years of tips we had picked up from the make-up artists that worked with us. I cleaned the mascara from my cheeks and gave my face a wash before applying a fresh layer of foundation, I touched up my mascara and added some blush and lipstick. I took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom trying to seem calm, the make-up was fixed but my eyes were still blotchy, my cheeks maybe a bit too red but it was the best I could do without being in the bathroom for a suspiciously long time. 

The girls were all talking quietly on the couch I had left them on, each of them looked up as I re-entered the room. Even Camila. They were all suddenly silent and done with their conversation, which told me it was about me. That fact simultaneously made my heart sink and swell. They were obviously not telling me something but Camila had been involved in the conversation and that was promising. Maybe it was another one of Ally's talks, maybe they were all trying to convince her to talk to me. I felt myself internally scoff, I may have the reputation for being the stubborn one but if there was ever anyone to give me a run for my money, it'd be Camz. There's no way they could get her to do something she didn't want to, the only person who did that and lived to tell the tale, is yours truly.

"Ready?" Dinah asked giving me a gentle look. I just nodded and headed towards the elevator. 

We were escorted to the 8th floor and into the studio, each or us guided to a seat and handed a set of headphones. Of course, it was just my luck that I was sat beside Camila, Dinah on her other and Ally next to Dinah. I sat back into my chair adjusting my headphones, hoping this day would end fast. 

I was off in my own world as the presenter David Demille introduced us to his listeners. It wasn't until he finally addressed us that I managed to tune back in.

"Hello Ladies! How are you today?!" There was a chorus of "hello" and "good" "great" "how are you?" from the other girls and I knew I came in far too late with my own answer but I didn't really mind.

"Hi... Mmm." I just hummed along in agreement not wanting to cause any unnecessary aggravation from Demille's listeners.

"So the first thing I want to say is, welcome back! And especially to you Camila, you've been through a lot during the break haven't you?" I sat back in my seat glad that Demille was concentrating on Camila, especially to start with. It meant we could hang back and chill for a while, she had a way with people where they never wanted to stop talking to her. She was just so endearing, a blind man could see it. It also meant that the listeners were put into a good mood before he grilled me on my "weekend shenanigans". Maybe she'd be able to soften them up.

I relaxed into my seat and watched Camila as she took over, leaning forward into the microphone and smiling at our host across the table, she was a natural, even if she couldn't remember how she used to do it.

"So much you wouldn't believe!" She sighed and I wasn't sure whether or not that was a quip at me or not, but I suddenly felt Normani's eyes on me. I turned to her and raised and eyebrow. She said nothing and just shook her head turning her attention back to the man in front of her.

"Do you mind talking about it? All we were told was that you were in a nasty crash and lost your memory?" He asked and I couldn't help but feel he was being a little intrusive. What if she does mind? She might not want to talk about it David, what you going to do then? Huh? I turned my attention back to the brunette and watched intently as she answered him with a smile.

"I suppose you guys want some answers then?" She chuckled across the room at him and I couldn't help but smile at how coolly she handled him.

"Well I was pretty badly hurt in the crash. Fractured jaw, shoulder blade, arm and leg, bruised ribs, brain swelling and then of course the memory loss." She listed them off easily, as if she was a doctor herself. My stomach turned at that thought as my mind flashed to Maura, no she was _so_ much better than that. 

"Was the memory loss from the brain swelling?" Demille voice entered my ears and my eyes refocused on Camila as she continued to speak.

"They're not sure. They told me if was rare for a collision of any sort to cause memory loss but it could have been triggered by something before the crash. Sort of like an excuse for my brain to create a mental block against whatever that was." I watched her eyes widened with amusement.

"But of course that was all before the crash so I have no idea what I could have possibly wanted to forget!" She laughed lightly shrugging her shoulders. Demille chuckled along with her, intoxicated, as everyone was by how easy Camila was to listen to.

"So you have no recollection of anything before the crash?" 

"Well, I started remembering things once I hit some triggers. Like Dinah called me Chanco by accident the first week I got back and I had a series of flashbacks to all the times she had called me it before. Maybe not all the times, but you get the idea. Am I making sense?" She sent him a flawless smile once more and I couldn't help but grin at her.

"Staring." Normani whispered into my ear, this time however I just rolled my eyes and put my fingers up to my lips. She smiled back at me shaking her head incredulously as if I was doing something completely unthinkable.

"Complete sense! So how did you feel when you found out you were in this hugely popular girl group?" He smiled and I was glad he wasn't being too pushy with his questions so far, I suppose that's how all interviewers worked though. They ease you into it and then BOOM your stuck - Venus flytrap style.

"Well when La- the girls told me I was famous I thought someone had videoed me dancing and I was like the laughing stock of the country or something." He laughed at her comment not even noticing her little slip up. I noticed it though and the girls did too because they all turned to me, less Camila, I swallowed hard and looked ahead trying to ignore the blatant erasing of my presence from that part of her story. 

"It's been really overwhelming the amount of support I've had from people who I couldn't even remember." _There was another stab in my heart._

"I can't believe I forgot such amazing people." _And another._

"And what's it been like listening to songs and hearing your songs on the radio, is it newly surreal?" Demille asked leaning in. I noticed a crowd had gathered outside the studio window all of their eyes fixed on Camila. I had completely under-estimated how interested everyone would be with Camila's story. 

"It was crazy I mean, it was a dream growing up you know I suppose I just never really thought I'd make anything of it. Literally all I do now is watch old performances and 'our journey' videos on youtube. They all make me cry." She giggled softly reminding me of her old fan girl self.

"It must have been really incredible re-discovering this life of yours?"

"Yeah incredible's a good word for it. It was a lot of hard work too. You'll all be glad to know I still can't dance." She laughed once more and Demille joined in. He continued asking her trivial questions about the band smoothly turning it towards our upcoming events, studio time and our European Summer tour. That made it a full band interview but I was happy enough to just hum in agreement most of the time, my mind was in a different place all together and I was dreading the questions that were inevitably going to fall upon my ears. I kept phasing in and out of our conversations, I ended up nodding a lot. I don't know why, I knew we were on radio, I suppose it was just to make it seem as if I was paying attention. Just like the fake smile that found it's way to my lips whenever the girls would laugh. 

"Another thing I want to address before you guys head on home. Is obviously, the videos and pictures that became viral last weekend?" I didn't hear that until after he had said it, my heart was beating so fast in my chest because this moment had finally come. I felt a beads of sweat forming at the nape of my neck as I sat up straight so I was in front of the microphone. I swallowed heavily before answering him.

"Yeah." My voice was more nervous than I had intended it, it was already broken and had a sort of dusty quality to it, making me sound as if I had just got out of bed.

"Wanna tell us what happened?" He asked softly and I was glad he wasn't as brash as the people we had encountered earlier that day.

"I... I was just in a really bad place and I let someone take advantage of me."

"When you say bad place, do you mean mentally?" I gulped at his question, already disliking the direction of this conversation.

"Yeah, I wasn't thinking straight." _What a terrible choice of words Lauren._

"I was really down and decided that forgetting everything would be easier. Really I was just being a di- jerk."

"And how did the drugs come into the situation?" 

"It was the end of the night, the bar was closing and this person was taking it and encouraged me to do the same told me it wasn't dangerous and they wouldn't do anything to hurt me..." He didn't even let me finish before cutting in.

"So you just took it?" 

"I-uh yeah." I stuttered, now scared of his reproach, I had a horrible sickness in my stomach that told me something bad was going to happen.

"And you were drinking as well?" I frowned, was that relevant?

"Yeah." 

"So you were drinking under-age and you took some sort of narcotic because someone told you they wouldn't hurt you?" I nodded gulping at how naive that made me sound.

"That is so... stupid." I frowned looking down at the desk, embarrassed that my eyes were once again filling with tears.

"I know and I completely regret it. It's not something I'd ever like to experience again."

"How did you girls feel when you found out about Lauren's idiocy?" He asked the others and I flinched at the harshness of his words. Dinah was the first to speak up.

"I wouldn't call it idiocy. Everyone makes mistakes, even when she made it home she wasn't right, we just wanted to help her as soon as possible." She said calmly into the microphone.

"Yeah it was really hard seeing her in such a mess. It was a shock to us because we had known she was down, but not that bad. It made me realise that we need to stick together more, you know? We've only had each other for the past three years and we've started to function like that and when one of us goes off the chart, it's like we're missing an arm or something. Everyone's effected and wants to help." Ally smiled between me and the interviewer, I just kept my head down. Not everyone wants to help, they shouldn't need to help anyway.

"Did you know you were going to be effecting the entire band as people and tainting the bands image?" I heard Dinah inhale a sharp breath. I shook my head softly, my eyes still fixed on the table below me.

"No I didn't. I wasn't thinking at all, I didn't want to think. I know I should've but..." But I needed to get Camila off my mind.

"You were being selfish?" Demille finished.

"Hey!" Dinah almost yelled at him.

"Uncalled for man, you can ask questions but you don't get to judge. We've all made mistakes." Oh no.

"Like verbally abusing a member of the public?" He asked slyly.

"He was verbally abusing Lauren, I was verbally defending her." She remarked back. This interview had entirely changed directions and I could tell it wasn't just Dinah and I that were uncomfortable. Ally was shuffling in her seat to my left and Normani's foot was tapping erratically beneath the table, Camila was the only one who remained silent. She stayed sat back into her seat her arms folded across her chest, legs crossed, brow slightly furrowed in concentration. 

"I feel like you guys are trying to shake your good girl image, is that what this is all about?" I stayed quiet knowing one of the other girls would jump in and this time it was Normani who took the bate.

"We're not trying to do anything. Lauren made a mistake and Dinah defended her best friend. That's human." Demille seemed to completely ignore her answer his attention turning to me.

"Lauren as the 'bad girl' of the group, do you feel pressured into drinking and doing drugs to keep up the character you have been given?" I couldn't believe how cheeky this man was.

"No I am not pressured into it and I have told you it was a mistake. I didn't intentionally set out to get high. I have never done it before and will never do it again." I spat feeling my words turning harsh but I tried to keep myself contained, I didn't need another thing for him to pick on.

"So you just decided to be a bad influence on..." He started again

"That's enough. Lauren is one of the kindest, most thoughtful, good-willed, humble people any of us have met. She made a mistake and admitted it. She hasn't blamed anyone else for it and has taken full responsibility for it. She answered your questions, move on." I found my lips forming a smile as the need to cry became over-powering. Camila had moved forward and placed her hand on the small of my back her thumb rubbing up and and down, gently comforting me. Her voice was confident and firm, she seemed completely fed up with his comments and his snide remarks as all of us were, but Camila had an amazing way with people. It was almost impossible to deny her when she wanted something. 

"Sorry that's obviously still a sensitive subject for you guys." He said and I felt my eyes roll back in my head with frustration. This guys was a total douche.

"We'll move on to fan questions." I let out a long shaky breath. Q&A's were always near the end and I don't think I had ever been so excited for an interview to end. I relaxed back into my chair as did the others. I gave Camila a grateful smile but she had already retracted her hand from my back, she nodded at me politely and turned her attention back to Demille. The questions were always along the same lines so it's a much more fun process. 

"So I'm just going to read out some text questions, like a quick fire round." 

"Cool!" Ally said trying to keep us up tempo, this was the fans talking now not dickface Demille.

"Camila, favourite colour?" 

"Green." She answered without hesitation.

"Ally, favourite day of the week?" 

"Uh Friday, start of the weekend!" 

"Who's single?"

"Me!" Mani was first in there as always.

"Me." Dinah almost sighed into the mic, her and Siope had been on and off recently.

"I am but I'm not, uh not looking..." Camila frowned trying to phrase her sentence right. Was that her subtly hinting that she didn't want me anymore.

"Ally?" Demille deferred.

"Taken bacon!" She smiled cheerfully bopping in her seat as she spoke.

"Lauren?" _Oh shit yeah._

"I uh.. I'm just concentrating on me for the moment." I mumbled awkwardly. For some reason I couldn't find it with in me to just say 'yes'. I felt sort of obliged to Camila in some way, it was as if she had convinced me that we were somehow married and that I couldn't say I was single unless I had somehow cleared it with her. I swallowed heavily, remembering waking up in Maura's bed. It turned my stomach and I was sure my face had just flashed a pasty white.

"You don't seem sure? Someone special on your mind." 

"I.. Uh, not really. Kinda, but no I don't know. Maybe? Yeah. A little." _Very eloquent Lauren, well done._

"Right." He said eyeing me suspiciously before turning back to the screen.

"Normani, favourite dance-style?" I zoned out after that not many of the questions were specifically for me and when they were they were easy enough to make up an answer to. I glanced towards the clock and thanked the Gods it was almost at the hour. That meant the news was on and we were gone. I tuned back in hoping to find Demille thanking us and sending us on our way but he wasn't quite there yet. No, he had one more form of torture for me.

"One last question, we got an interesting text during the show. It's a question for Lauren, from Maura in downtown LA." I swallowed heavily. Oh no.

"She want's to know why you answer her calls, she said she's really sorry, she needs to talk to you and that you left your scheduler in her apartment the other night... Lauren?" _No, no, no, **no**._ He couldn't have just left it, he couldn't have just ignored it? He just had to push everything didn't he what an asshole. I looked at the microphone in shock. What could I possibly say that would gie Maura the message, but _not_ make me sound like an asswipe?

"I can't. I mean I haven't had time and I'll get a friend to collect it soon. Thanks." 

"Right well I would make you explain, but it seems we've run out of time. Thanks for joining me girls.." I tuned out once again, not waiting for him to be done his spiel, I removed my headphones and placed them on my lap, running my hands through my hair. I said goodbye into my microphone and raced to the door. 

I made it to the van relatively easily, security had wisely decided to escort me from the door and the others weren't too far behind. The trip home was longer than I had expected, I was in the back again, Dinah next to me this time. They were all taking turns ranting about how much the disliked Demille. Normani had just finished with an interesting combination of swear words and Camila was next in line. 

"Yeah he was a douche." She said quietly I couldn't quite see her expression, but that soon changed. She turned in her seat and faced me, her eyebrows scrunched together her big brown eyes narrowed at me.

"Was that Maura from the hospital?" I gulped, I had completely forgotten Camila knew Maura. She had been working on her case after all and the younger brown girl had never liked her, for reasons she would never tell me. I nodded my head silently trying not to break her gaze as I usually did when I was guilty.

"And 'the other night' that was _that_ night wasn't it?" I cleared my throat, I've never been able to lie to Camila I had learned a long time ago there was no point in it.

"Yeah." I answered weakly.

"You stayed at hers?" Her voice cracked slightly and I didn't understand how she could string things together so quickly, but she was Camila and she had always read me like a book.

"Yeah."

"She's the one who gave you the drugs then?" 

"Yeah." 

"And tell me Lauren, did you not rat her out because you have feelings for her or because the sex was good?" She spat, her eyes watering and she didn't even try to keep them in. They fell on to the shoulder of the seat and glistened there for a while before seeping into the fabric and becoming nothing. I felt awful, as if I had betrayed her, as if I had cheated and I couldn't even begin to formulate an apology. She turned back around once it was clear I was unable to answer. The van pulled up and she tore from her seat, almost taking the front door off as she entered. The others turned around to face me, all seemingly shocked at what had just unravelled.

"You really need to explain what happened that night." Normani said as she pulled her seat back for Dinah and I to get out.

"I know." I sniffed, wiping my nose and getting out. I was so glad to be home after that trainwreck of a day, even if my home was missing it's heart at the moment. I walked in with the girls explaining to the best of my memory what had happened that night, this time I didn't leave anything out. We all knew Camila would have locked herself in her room by now, she liked to ring Sofi when she felt down. The younger girl would tell her about school and her friends and Camila would get lost in her sisters world as if it were one of her favourite books. 

We entered the kitchen and sat on the couch near the patio doors, all of us kicking off our shoes and curling up. I told them every detail until I was more frustrated with myself.

"When you woke up you thought you were with Camila?" Ally asked raising an eyebrow once I had finished. I nodded sadly.

"Why would you think you were with Mila, that doesn't even..." Dinah started talking but received some questionably amused looks from the other two.

"Oh you." She held up her index fingers and pushed them towards each other.

"Yeah D'Mac we had a sword fight!" I laughed at her rolling my eyes. 

"Ew." I laughed once more as she wiped her hands on her jeans as if they were dirty.

"Well, I know we've got a lot to get through here but I just want to point out..." Ally resumed as mediator and all of us became captivated by her. 

"You woke up thinking you had slept with Camila again... I don't know what was running through your head." I nodded vaguely remembering that I had decided I needed to talk to her.

"But Camila was the first thing you thought of and that says a lot." Ally said smiling softly at me. I looked down embarrassed. _Maybe because who else would I sleep with? Not that I'd sleep with Camila again I just mean... Well maybe. No that's weird._ My mind flashed to the tight green skirt she had worn today and how it elongated her smooth tanned legs. My head between them. _What?!_ I shook my head in frustration trying to get those images out of my brain. Normani Chuckled at me and I turned to see her opening her arms towards me. I feel into them easily and snuggled up to her, she fixed my hair and planted a soft kiss on the top of my head before chuckling once more.

"And with all that staring today... I think you've got it bad." I was surprised at how blunt her statement was. I looked at the couch opposite us and found two expectant faces looking down at me. I let out a groan and hid my face in Normani's chest.

_"Shit."_


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you don’t function properly without her."

So maybe I should have been a bit more apprehensive about the girls helping me out with my situation with Camila. They thought that I had always secretly loved her, but I think if that was true I would have let myself in on the secret.

“You hit it off from the beginning Laur.” Normani began easily raising her thumb as if she was about to list off reasons. I had to admit I was curious, but still reluctant.

“We were friends, just like you and DJ _hit it off from the beginning_.” I mimicked mercilessly. She was right though and my mind wandered to our first meetings together, Camila had always been my person.

When the band was first put together we were immediately attracted to each other – I mean magnetically, not... _attracted_ attracted. We were both from Miami, the same age, we liked the same things. We immediately became friends, even before we were put into the band we had already made a start on our friendship.

Camila’s the type of person that you are constantly magnetized to, she attracts everything good and people like me, who maybe aren’t entirely sure whether they’re good are not are easily hooked by that type of personality. I think Alexa is a similar sort of person in she brings things out in me that others don’t. That’s why she’s been my friend for so many years.

When I arrived at X Factor I had a huge group of people supporting me, but boot camp was different. So when I found Camila and I found her so entrancing it was inevitable that we were going to be friends, even if we were each other’s opposition. Camila’s effect on me was similar to Alexa’s but not the same. Alexa was able to help me relax no matter how stressed out I was, especially in school. Don’t get me wrong I loved school, but I always wanted to push myself and that meant that at exam time, if you got on my nerves you would lose a limb. To this day I still don’t know how she does it, but Alexa can just bug the shit out of me and I’ll laugh her off, she’ll convince me to bunk off when I have a _seriously_ strict study schedule. She always said it was because it’s healthy to take a break and I think that maybe deep down I knew I really needed one.

Camila however didn’t have the _joyous_ experience of knowing me in school, so there was no possible way she could have known I was a worrier. She must have sensed it from me somehow, but she was much more than that to me. Not only did she help me relax when I freaked out, (because more often than not it was the other way around) she also brought out a side of me that I thought I had long lost. She brought out my inner child, the less serious side of me that a lot of the time people completely disregarded its existence. I may have loved school, but it made me grow up pretty fast and I used to think that was great, until I met Camila and realized just how much I had missed out on.

I always felt ahead of myself in that respect, even in the band I was the mature one and yet somehow the middle member. Ally and Normani older than me and Camila and Dinah younger than me, I was still the older sibling. Reining them in when they became too rowdy or giddy and directing them when they were all far too excited to for a sentence let alone speak in public. It was the role I was so used to from having two younger siblings, but it wasn’t my job and I didn’t realize that. I often found the things we were given trivial and longed for a more serious career path.

**We were aged 16 – 20 not 6 – 12. I just couldn’t understand why we were doing this endorsement, I mean I understand that it’d be good for the band and we would finally be making some money.**

**But Barbie? _Really?_ I felt like my eyes would constantly be rolling in my head if this was to continue. The others were so excited about it of course, our very own Barbie dolls too! ( _Kill me now_!) Not to mention how shockingly gay the song was and they so coyly added in “Me and My Girls” as if we had been alluding to this engagement the whole time. I had no idea about it, I often wondered if they kept information like that away from me for this specific reason. I _hated_ it. I couldn’t help but hate it publicly hate it too, it all seemed like some ridiculous joke to me.**

**“I just can’t with this song.” I hit send and watched as my feed flooded with questions. Nobody else knew yet but I needed the girls back home to know that I was totally not cool with this – and if I was then I definitely wasn’t cool. I quickly locked my phone and returned my gaze to the top of the room where yet another face-less business name was talking to us. They were all the same, big company hot shots, names and bills, but always behind the scenes. They all seemed sneaky to me and I couldn’t help but be slightly stand-off-ish towards them.**

**I felt my leg being kicked under the table and my attention was drawn to the taller girl sat beside me. She nodded towards the other end of the table where Camila was making a face at me. Her lip was raised on one side, nostrils flared, her eyebrows furrowed, she looked as if she was disgusted with me. If I hadn’t been in this position before I probably would have thought she was but luckily that was not the case.**

**I managed to stifle a laugh and I placed my hand over my mouth and shook my head. The brown eyed girls’ expression softened and I sent her a smile.**

**“Sorry.” I mouthed across the table at her. She replied with her own dazzling smile, reaching right up to her eyes. I heard her giggle and she shook her head and waved me off dismissively. I smiled back at her and watched as she turned her attention back to our faceless speaker. She began nodding along with him and occasionally turning back to me, obviously feeling my eyes on her, she sent me silly faces and the rare wink.**

**The briefing flew by and we were fixed up for our debut performance of this ridiculous Barbie song. I was sat beside Dinah who was in a fit of giggles.**

**“Laur you’re gonna have to put on a poker face because you can’t go out there looking as grossed out as you did in that meeting.” I laughed back at her and shot her a smile.**

**“Is it really that bad?” I asked still unable to not smile at the youngest member of our road-family.**

**“Oh honey!” She threw her head back and raised her hand and I couldn’t help but laugh once again. Dinah’s hair-stylist on the other hand didn’t find it quite as amusing. She shot the younger girl a glare through the mirror and Dinah managed to calm herself down. She looked at me through my own mirror and addressed me once again.**

**“I just think you need to think about something that makes you happy and take your mind off it. I mean it seemed to work in the meeting!” She shot me a wink, this time with as little body movement as she could.**

**“Sounds like a plan Dmac!” I smiled back at her.**

**For some reason I was taking longer than usual and most of the other girls were finished. Camila, Dinah and I usually took the longest because of how long or thick (or in my case both) our hair was. The two Texans had already left to get some water and Dinah had stayed to keep me company she was half way through telling me what she thought Siope was going to get her when Camila came over.**

**“He doesn’t really talk about his ideas and stuff you know I mean – oh uh Lauren, remember what I said about thinking about nice things that make you happy?” I nodded at her in confusion, such a sudden change of subject was rare because when Dinah Jane Hansen wanted to get her point across; she got her point across.**

**“Okay good here it comes, DJ OUT!” She smiled throwing up a peace sign before hopping out of her chair and almost dashing for the door. I watched her in confusion through the mirror and saw the final member of our band also watching her with a similar expression to mine.**

**“Did she forget to take a nap or something?” Camila chuckled towards me and I felt my body relax. The younger girl sat down beside me and I smiled at her.**

**“Mmm something like that.” She reached across and took my hand in hers playing with my fingers.**

**“I know you don’t like this and it’s a bit you know… not cool for you or whatever…” She started talking to my fingers and I couldn’t help but let my smile broaden into a grin. She looked so young, picking up each finger and sizing it up, talking to them instead of me.**

**“But if you think about it from my perspective.” She paused and looked up at me raising her eyebrows.**

**“And you should because we’re almost the same person.” She smiled before returning to my fingers.**

**“This makes me the coolest person on Earth, because my little sister is going to see that I had a doll made of me and so did you and Dinah and the others and she’s going to think it’s the coolest thing _ever_. She’s gonna tell all her friends in school that there’s going to be dolls of her sister and they’re gonna think it’s the coolest thing. She’s gonna make my parent’s buy all five of us as soon as we come out…” She stopped awkwardly staring at my fingers which she had stopped moving. She shook her head and continued.**

**“Sofi’s going to tell me that I’m living the dream because I’ve got my very own Barbie doll and we’re gonna be her heroes along. Not to mention the millions of other little kids that are gonna think we’re cool because we have our own dolls.” I chuckled at her and intertwined my fingers with us.**

**“You’re having one of those days are you?” She looked up and I briefly heard my hair stylist say he was finished. I thanked him and turned to Camila so we were facing each other. She nodded at me and her eyes saddened.**

**“It’s going to be such a long year without her you know?” I sighed with her and brought my other hand up to her face. Her eyes connected with mine and we stayed silent for a while, not needing to say anything.**

**“You know you’re already her hero, right?” She smiled at me her eyes brightening as my words hit her ears, which happened when she knew I was telling the truth.**

**“She likes you more.” I laughed lightly at the faux jealousy in her voice, both knowing that statement wasn’t true.**

**“Yeah well, who wouldn’t?” I shrugged winking at her. She smiled and rubbed the side of her face into my hand her eyes shut tight. She was just _so_ cute.**

**“Mmm true.” She hummed happily. I smiled back at her and heard the door click shut behind us meaning we were now alone.**

**“Thanks Lo.” She smiled again into my hand and placed a soft kiss on my palm. I felt my heart swell at her small action. I pulled her towards me automatically, a small smile stuck on my lips as my eyes fluttered to a close.**

**“Anything for you KC.” I whispered and heard her hum against my lips. I pressed mine softly against hers, intending for it to be a chaste kiss, but I couldn’t help but linger and Camila didn’t pull away either. We stayed like that for a short while, lips contentedly connected until we heard laughter coming closer to the door. It opened with a bang and Camila and I jumped apart the three other girls tumbling through the door screeching at something that was obviously quite hilarious.**

**I couldn’t help but look at Camila out of the corner of my eye, a crimson red burning in my cheeks. I gave her a nervous smile and she mirrored me, while tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. We had only touched briefly on our situation. I mean Camila and I’s habits and my recent development with Luis over the break. I had said that because we were sort of dating it would probably be more respectful if Camila and I were to stop what we were doing, even though we were just friends and it meant nothing. Camila hadn’t really said much she just nodded in agreement and excused herself for food. This however, was obviously a harder habit to break than I thought.**

**“Let’s go girls!” I looked up to see a stage manager popping his head through the door, the other girls hushed themselves and took another sip of their drinks before leading the way out the door. Camila hopped up first and grabbed the door before it closed behind them. She held it open for me, smiling as I walked up to her.**

**“Thanks.” I mumbled still embarrassed by my earlier actions, but the shorter brunette grabbed my wrist before I could get through the door. I spun to face her and her eyes seemed to align with mine, the warm brown full of determination.**

**“I love…It when you call me KC.” She stuttered slightly but I only smiled at her. I was so relieved that she wasn’t weirded out by me kissing her when I said I wouldn’t that I completely forgot the door was wide open.**

**“I know and I love seeing you smile.” I chirped happily at her leaning in and capturing her lips between mine again. I pulled away slightly, leaving just enough room for my lips to move without brushing hers.**

**“Good luck.” I smiled, still only an inch away from her. Her eyes smiled back at me and I felt her hand tug on my arm once more and I fell into her. This time she took control and hooked her lips around my bottom lip, she moved her lips in sync with mine making me open my mouth so she could quickly taste my mouth. She pulled back leaving a peck on my lips.**

**“You too Lo.” She smiled sliding past me and towards the stage. I felt my breath catch as she left and felt my brow furrow in confusion. Either I had completely forgotten how to kiss, or Camila somehow became extremely good at it over the break. I felt a surge of jealousy for whoever she was practicing on and a pang of guilt for Luis, who was nowhere near a good a kisser as Camila was and for some reason I doubted he’d ever be able to catch up. I still somehow found myself smiling though, because we were just friends and it didn’t mean anything and if we could get back to normal on tour it’d be the best tour yet.**

**I headed towards the stage in a much better mood than I ever thought I’d be and saw Dinah sending me two thumbs up. I sent her a questioning look in response and she pointed to her mouth, smiling as widely as she possibly could and pointing back towards me. I had obviously had a huge smile plastered across my face that I didn’t know about. I just laughed towards the other girl and gave her a nod, so she knew I was acknowledging that she was right, because that girl loved to be right.**

“Lauren I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you don’t function properly without her.” Dinah’s voice added the finishing touch to my daydream and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. That was probably very true.

“Yeah I mean how many times have you run around not knowing what shoes to wear only to have Camila come down and hand you a pair of hers?” Ally said and I saw Normani stick another finger up, she was now on four and I wondered how much of their conversation I had missed.

“Or do you remember that time you didn’t want to leave for the studio and you just sat in the middle of the kitchen and whined Camila’s name until she came and helped you?” I laughed at the memory and the others joined in.

“You turn into a giant toddler without her.” Normani stated adding another finger.

“I remember Mila saying she thought you were possessed by Sofi!” Ally laughed.

“And you offered to exorcise her and I thought you meant exercise, ah those were the days.” Dinah sighed obviously replaying the memory in her head.

“Every time you had a fight you wouldn’t even talk to one of us about it. You’d have to ring home.” Ally continued and Normani nodded at me adding another finger to her collection.

“Yeah why was that?” Normani asked finally dropping her hands to her lap.

“I dunno… I suppose I just… I don’t know, we were just…” I paused to think for a moment. They were right I could never talk to one of the girls when Camila and I would have a fight. I used to just shut down and shut everyone out, I’d usually have to ring home and get my Dad’s advice, sometimes Alexa, sometimes both.

“I think it was because I was scared if I said what was going on to you guys, you’d figure out what was going _on_ … I mean at least with Lex and Dad I could just say “one of the girls” and they wouldn’t know you know?” I thought out loud. The girls were around us 24/7 and if they knew what most of our fights were about they definitely would have figured out something was going on between us.

“Oh girl we already knew!” Dinah laughed at me and I couldn’t help but quirk an eyebrow at her in shock.

“Mmm-hmm.” She nodded and I turned to Ally beside her who nodded and then Normani who was kind enough to add an apologetic smile with her nod.

“We always knew you loved each other, but neither of you were ever ready to hear it.” The dancer said taking a sip of her coffee. I was in so much shock I could barely hear what they were saying. I turned to the other two girls my mouth still slightly ajar. They all knew? They all thought we…

“I think Mila was close to admitting it a few times but she knew you were nowhere near ready or if you’d ever be ready and that made her shut down.” I felt a pang of guilt in my chest as the youngest girls’ words hit my ears. “Shut down” was such a harsh way to put it but I knew exactly what she meant. It was when Camila went into emotional hiding, reverting to her old ways, bottling everything up. It was so unhealthy for her and she would go through these phases of reading hate and stuff about her and the band and her family and it would all just eat away at her. She wouldn’t talk to any of us beyond what she had too, she’d eat on her own, stay in when we were going out and stay off social media for a couple of days just to clear her head out.

“Was that her not working because I wasn’t there?” I asked and I felt so small hearing those words leave my lips. Camila was the strongest person I knew there was no way she would need someone like me to “work”. I was beginning to understand my own need for the girl, but I couldn’t fathom her needing me in the same way. She was too wise for that, too mature, too strong to need someone who could give up and break so easily.

“Almost.” Ally said softly sensing my unease.

“I think that was her not working because she lost faith in you.” She said and I looked up at her confused and she continued to answer my unasked question.

“I don’t just mean you; I mean the both of you. Your bond, the connection that you had – _have_.” She sighed and I was beginning to feel myself tear up once more. There was something about these past few months and me crying and I hated it, something that was once such a rare thing had become almost a common occurrence and I felt like it was tiring me and freeing me at the same time. It just annoyed me so much that I couldn’t control it anymore and I was now susceptible to just breaking down and turning into a water-fountain at any moment.

“Look, you need to talk to her. That’s how you two have always worked, _together_. You need to talk to her and tell her what has happened and what’s going on in your head because if you don’t communicate properly…” She trailed off and I don’t think I really wanted her to finish. I nodded quickly before she could and wiped the tears from my eyes. They were right, they were all right and I hated it but I had to face Camila and sooner was better than later.

I stood up suddenly knowing that if I went now there was less chance of me flaking out. The others stood with me and almost lined up at the edge of the coffee table. Normani was the first to hug me, she gave me a gentle squeeze and stepped back.

“I stopped counting because I knew I wouldn’t have enough fingers by the way.” She smiled and I laughed, sniffling the last of my tears away.

She sat back down and I stepped forward, this time the smallest of our group surged forward and into me.

“I’m going to hug you for more than 30 seconds because that releases oxytocin and that’s the love thingy and it’ll make you feel better and you’ll get confidence.” I gave Dinah and surprised look over Ally’s head before addressing the oldest.

“Where’d you learn that?” I asked knowing it couldn’t have been something she knew off hand.

“Camila read it and told me. She said it was a me kinda fact.” The oldest said matter of fact-ly and I couldn’t help but agree with Camila’s logic smiling into my hug with the short soprano.

“Is the ‘over thirty seconds’ over yet?” Dinah asked tapping her foot jokingly.

“Probably I lost count, I was enjoying myself too much.” Ally laughed pulling back and giving me and encouraging squeeze on the arm before turning and heading towards the fridge.

Dinah stood with her arms open and I fell into them automatically, she and I had a different relationship than the other girls. We were both the oldest in our families and even though at times we were polar opposites a lot of the time we saw eye to eye and it brought us a lot closer.

“I know you’ve got this Laur. If there’s anything that you’re good at, it’s Camila.” She whispered her words of encouragement and let me go, giving me a playful shove as I left her arms.

“Don’t you dare give up on her.” She added still not raising her voice above a whisper.

“Never.” I replied confidently. She gave me one last smile and I left the kitchen and headed towards the staircase. Everywhere I looked was reminding me of things Camila and I had done, each part of the room was another photo in an album that I had somehow forgotten. There wasn’t a part of this house, that didn’t have Camila and I etched into it. That was kind of like my life now, there wasn’t an inch of it that I didn’t want Camila to be a part of. I wanted her to be with me every step of the way – no – I needed her to be with me every step of the way, since it was so evident to everyone else that I just wasn’t myself without her.

I arrived at her door and took a deep breath before knocking on her door. There was no answer and I was tempted to go back down stairs and tell the others she was out, but that was just my nerves.

“Camila?” I called through the door, but again I was met with no answer.

“Camz?” I knocked again, louder this time, so she knew I wouldn’t walk away. So she knew I wasn’t going to give up.

“Go away.”

“No.” I said firmly trying the handle of the door, only to find it locked.

“Go away Lauren.”

“No, Camz let me in I want to talk to you.” I said letting my head rest against her door. There was no answer again and I sighed at her stubbornness, mentally cursing my younger self for rubbing off on her so much.

“Camz come on?” I tried again but she didn’t answer. I turned around to sit with my back against her door and sighed again trying to think of a way to get her to open up.

“Camila please.” I looked up towards the ceiling but was once again greeted with silence, something that I was now beginning to hate just as much as crying.

“Camz…” I wracked my brain, I usually would have cracked her by now. I thought back to the conversation with the girls and a light bulb went off.

“KC…?” I tried softly, but still loud enough for her to hear. There was another moment of silence and I thought I truly had lost but there was a quiet click of a lock and I felt a small smile grow across my face. My heart swelled with hope as I stood up and took her door handle in my hand, ready to walk into the eerily quiet bedroom. I took a deep breath and twisted the handle, pushing the door open.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you ever been in love Lauren?”

“Hey.” My voice sounded strange when I finally spoke. I must have stood with the door open for at least ten minutes. Something had just paralyzed me and I was unable to move, scared to breath. Camila was lying on her bed, almost in the fetal position. Her head rested lazily on the pillow she was hugging, her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, mascara having run down her face. She kept crossing her feet over each other probably trying to keep them warm or maybe it was nerves.

“We need to talk.” I tried, but again my voice was weak and shaky. I stepped forward closer to the bed, unsure of whether or not I was allowed to sit on it or not.

“ _I_ need to talk.” This time her eyes looked up at me expectantly. She stared for a moment her unnaturally reddened eyes examining me intently. I was sure she was wondering whether I was worth giving a chance to. I found myself offering her a small smile, in hopes that she would sense my sincerity.

She shimmied backwards bringing her pillow with her, leaving enough room on the bed for me, inviting me silently to sit down. It took me a moment before I did. I think I was just shocked. I kicked off my shoes and sat onto her bed, sitting up straight my back against the headboard, my feet straight out in front of me.

“Camz, I…” My voice started to come back to me but I was cut off almost immediately by the younger girl beside me.

“ _Don’t_. I don’t want to hear an apology.” She said simply. I only nodded still looking at the wall in front of me.

“I need your help.” I continued honestly, not able to look at her.

“Some advice?” I asked once more. I heard her hum curiously and decided to continue.

“So I kinda made an ass hat of myself.” I thought for a moment, looking at the pictures haphazardly stuck onto Camila’s wall opposite me. There were posters and photos, mostly of things she could barely remember but even at that, I was in most of them. I sighed sadly to myself.

“No, I was an ass hat. A complete and utter ass hat.” This time Camila gave a grunt of agreement and I felt myself smile a little.

“So I have this best friend. She’s a bit weird you’d probably like her. We’ve been friends for years and I didn’t really realize that maybe I like her as more than a friend.” I stopped, having finally admitted it out loud to the younger girl was strange. Even with my attempt to shield it, it was blatantly obvious that I was talking about her. It was as if a part of me had opened up, like a door in my mind or maybe a trap door to my heart would probably be a better analogy; at the same time I felt compressed. So much smaller than I had seconds ago, as if my confession had suddenly caused me to shrink into a ball that could so easily be kicked away. I shivered, desperately hoping that Camila wouldn’t kick me away.

“She likes me and…” I frowned at myself and how degrading that sounded coming from my lips.

“Well actually, she loves me.” I corrected myself.

“And I completely disregarded her feelings. I mean I didn’t even stop to think that it was possible, you know?” I asked again but didn’t wait for an answer.

“I shut her down every time I could. I was a complete douche, I ignored her when I started to realize I felt something. I told her she was planting ideas in my head and pushing her sexuality onto me…” I felt myself tearing up at how badly I had actually treated the girl beside me. I wanted to run downstairs into my room, lock it and never come out because there was no way she could forgive me for all the shit I had put her through.

“But really they had always been there. I had always ignored them, because I was always scared.” I sighed feeling a wave of self-loathing come over me.

“And as if that wasn’t enough, I also got wasted and had sex with her. You’d think that would have been a hint, you know, that I did actually have feelings for y… _her_. Then _,_ I freaked out when I realized what I had done and yelled at her telling her it was a drunken fuck and that it didn’t mean anything, when really we all know; drunken minds speak sober hearts. _Especially when it comes to me._ ” I felt Camila shift beside me, but I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I continued staring at the wall, getting angrier with each sentence that fell out of my mouth.

“AND _THEN_ …” I started my voice rising, but my heart sinking at the memory of what I was about to say next.

“And then… I heard her pour her heart out to her friends.” I felt myself burning under her gaze but continued to look at the adjacent wall, my eyes now almost over-run with tears just waiting for their gallant escape.

“She was crying and telling them _everything_. Everything so honestly and openly.”

“She was willing to forgive me. I mean I had ignored her for the guts of a month and treated her like shit and she was willing to forgive me?!” I gasped for air as my throat began to swell up. I let the tears free from my eyes but tried my best to not let them get in the way of my speech.

“I mean who deserves that? That’s _incredible_.” I paused for a moment letting my words sink in; to me mostly because I was right. She _was_ incredible to be willing to do that. I had never been so honest before, even in my own thoughts about this situation. Yet here I was discussing it with Camila. Well, more like discussing it _at_ Camila.

“She told them that she had always loved me.” I continued quieter than before.

“And thinking about it now, I suppose I also completely disregarded the history we have together. Our friendship wasn’t always sunshine and daisies you know? It also wasn’t always… Platonic.” Camila didn’t say anything, so I just gathered myself once more, ready to tackle the worst bit.

“So after I had heard that, little _genius_ me, thought that the best possible thing to do was to go out and get absolutely shit-faced drunk to forget everything.” I shook my head at my own stupidity and couldn’t suppress the hiccup that emerged from my chest.

“I went with someone who I thought was a friend and they ended up convincing me to do an illegal substance after I had already become sufficiently intoxicated – “ I took another shaky breath ready to continue but was interrupted by Camila’s telephone ringing. My eyes automatically found the source and I saw Camila pick it up. She looked at me and we locked eyes for the first time since I had sat down. She didn’t seem different, her eyes were still red, she looked tired and pale.

“It’s the hospital.” She informed me quietly before answering it and bringing it to her ear. I presumed she told me to let me know she wouldn’t just answer the phone to anyone during our conversation. That thought made me feel slightly more at ease, but I was worried that the hospital was calling, especially two days after one of her weekly checkups.

“Hello?” I watched as Camila’s expression as she spoke on the phone, trying to gather as much information as possible from the inevitable one sided conversation I was about to hear.

“Yeah it is.” Camila spoke clearly into the receiver, her eyebrows raised with curiosity.

“Oh.” Her voice dropped and her face became un-readable. Her eyebrows dropped and her mouth leveled out, she seemed angry with the person on the other end of the phone and I couldn’t help but wonder what they had said for her mood to change so drastically. 

“Do you want to talk to –“

“Okay then. Go on.” She stayed quiet for a moment listening to what the person on the other line was saying. I watched her intently as she nodded along automatically to the conversation, still looking somewhat annoyed. Her eyes narrowed and I knew whatever she was being told she didn’t like.

“Is that it?” She asked her tone harsh and very un-Camila-like.

“Well thanks for telling me that but please don’t call me again.” I frowned, wondering why she was being so outright rude to one of her doctors.

“And if you ever… Oh I don’t? _Really_?” She scoffed at her caller before continuing in the same venomous manner.

“Well then you know. So please just leave us alone. I would also appreciate it if you could get yourself assigned to another patient because I don’t want to deal with you. At all. Ever.” Camila spat her last few words into the phone and I felt my jaw go slack. I had never seen the brunette so riled up before and it was a scary thing to see.

“Thank you very much. Goodbye.” She said and if the circumstances were different I probably would have laughed at how she was still being so polite. Camila hung up the phone and placed it back on her bedside table, her big brown eyes turning to me. They seemed softer than earlier but still distant she just nodded at me waiting for me to carry on.

“A-are you okay?” I asked quietly, not sure how I should interpret her phone call.

“Yeah fine, I’ll tell you later. You were saying?” She huffed seemingly exasperated from all the talking she had done.

“Yeah I was saying… I was saying, how much of a complete ass I was.”

“Ass _hat_.” She corrected. I searched her face for any sign of jest, but she seemed completely serious.

“Yeah ass hat. So when I was completely out of my mind I slept with this other girl, after saying I wasn’t remotely gay and I had already slept with my best friend.” I sighed weakly, defeated by my own words.

“Do you think I’ve any chance of my friend forgiving me? ‘Cause I really don’t after I heard all that.” I turned to the doe-eyed girl once more and watched her as she gently slid herself off the bed. She walked over to her window sill and picked up a picture frame, her fingers sliding over the glass. She turned and leant against it, still holding the picture in her hand she looked up at me. Her big brown eyes were watery but her expression was much more relaxed than before.

“Have you ever been in love Lauren?” She whispered, her lip shaking as she spoke.

“I don’t know. I mean I love my family… My friends, but I doubt that’s the love you’re talking about.” I said slowly, she nodded in return contemplating for a moment.

“Do you think you learn to love or do you think you just fall into it not quite knowing how you got there?” It took me a moment to answer, wanting to be as honest as I could I knew I’d need to think about my reply.

“I think people are different. I think some learn to love because they need to be taught. I think others fall into it, just like some people fall out of it. I don’t think there’s a specific set way about it. It just happens – and when it does you know.” She nodded at me almost agreeing with my words.

“Do you think you could fall in love?”

“In general or spe –“

“In general.”

“Yes… I hope I will.”

“Specifically?” She asked again, her expression unreadable.

“I… I don- I… Maybe. Yes.” I internally cursed myself for sounding so unsure. This was my best friend – I was practically half way there. I watched Camila again as her gaze dropped back to the picture in her hand. I waited for a few moments but it was obvious the younger girl had nothing more to say.

“What d-“

“I hope you don’t.” She stopped me, her voice was a whisper her gaze still fixed on the picture. Her fingers lightly tracing whatever was on it.

“Don’t what?” I asked scared that I already knew her answer.

“Fall in love.” I felt my heart drop and my stomach churn. I closed my eyes tight, hoping it would somehow stop the impending doom.

“I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s really sore.” I opened my eyes confused at her strange choice in words.

“It’s really fucking sore.” She sobbed and I didn’t see it coming. Her chest spasmed as she brought her picture frame close to her chest and held it tight, her head dropping and her hair falling perfectly either side of her shoulders. I watched helplessly as thick tears fell from her convulsing figure. I was paralyzed with shock and fear.

“Right here.” She said pounding on her chest with her fist.

“It starts off as something so hopeful. So bright with so much potential.” Her voice was a whisper again.

“And you love it, you love the feeling, you love the idea.” Her voice became more uneven with each word and my mouth became dry as I watched her try to suppress her sobs.

“But when.. when they d-don’t love you back. All that… warmth. All that hope? It turns cold a-and it, it eats you.” She managed between sobs and I felt myself getting up off the bed at last, walking slowly over to her.

“It freezes you. F-from the inside out.” She shook her head violently as I approached, still trying my best not to make a sound.

“A-a-and once… once it’s got you… frozen and, and still… It shatters you.” I slowly reached my hand out taking her shoulder softly, she looked up at me her eyes glossed with tears I wasn’t even sure if she could see me.

“And you break. All of you, you just…b-break.” She stared me down her watery brown eyes never leaving mine, burning into me; making sure I knew what I had done to her. I saw her hands move and heard a smash. I broke her gaze looking down at the floor, the picture frame was lying there with hundreds of shards of glass around it. The picture was barely visible under the mess but I knew it well. It was a picture of Camila and I from her eighteenth birthday. She had jumped on my back after opening my gift and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek and Normani had snapped at the perfect moment. There was a huge grin plastered across my face, Camila’s arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, her legs similarly around my waist.

I stood staring at the picture on the ground completely at a loss at what to do next. My breathing had become uneasy and I was watching tears of my own fall onto the mess on the floor. I heard Camila’s voice above me but couldn’t move to see her face. Her voice was cold, still broken.

“That was Maura on the phone.” She said bluntly, somehow having gained some composure.

“She wanted to tell me that you didn’t sleep with her. She said you couldn’t, you gave out to her for not being me.” I looked up at the younger girl who was now watching me intently, her eyes roaming my face looking for any sign of a reaction.

“She said you were as high as a kite but all you could do was talk about me, ask where I was and why you weren’t with me.” She said again, her tone unreadable. She stopped for a second before letting out a disbelieving laugh.

“She told me you had it bad!” She shook her head laughing again.

“ _She_ told _me_ , that _you_ had it bad.” She scoffed again before shrugging her shoulders making my hand fall lifelessly to my side. She looked angry again and when she addressed me her voice was confident and harsh.

“About your _friend_? I think you need to give her time. I think you need to work your butt of so she knows that you’re really fucking sorry, because you weren’t an ass hat Lauren. You were a complete and utter fucking idiot. I think you need to sort yourself out before you go anywhere near her.” I swallowed heavily at her words, unsure of how to process all the information I had just been given. I nodded at her stupidly still staring at her angry features, the ferocity in her voice still ringing in my ears.

“And I think you need to get out of her room.” She added pressing her lips together, her nostrils flaring. I took the hint and nodded hurriedly at her stepping backwards and tripping over myself. I kept my eyes on her as I fell onto the floor, luckily avoiding most of the broken glass. I scurried to get up and managed to rip my eyes away from her turning for the exit I all but ran out of her room and down the stairs, hearing the door slam shut once I entered the living room.  


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have to come out eventually.”

“Lauren, come on.” There was a brash knock on the door.

“You have to come out eventually.” I turned my head slowly to see my shaking door. They were right, I had to go out. I had to do my job and live my life and not hide in here like I always seemed to do at times like these. I groaned acknowledging the girls behind the door. Slowly but surely, I raised myself from my position on the bed and walked over to the door. I unlocked it slowly and braced myself for impact.

“Did she just?” There was a pause before the door handle turned and to my surprise, it opened slowly.

“Thank God.” I watched as three of my bandmates came in through the door, suspiciously calm and collected. I turned around and sat up against the headboard on my bed crossing my legs to make room for the others. Dinah was the first to attack the bed, lying on her stomach she propped herself up with her elbows and stared at me silently. Normani quietly sat beside hooking one leg under her bum the other casually hanging over the side the bed. Then there was Allyson who decided to walk around the bed so she could sit on my other side.

They had cleverly and subtly surrounded me, preventing any sort of escape, but that wasn’t what was making me feel uneasy. It was their unnatural quietness that was really starting to worry me.

“Hey.” I said eventually, feeling the need to break the silence.

“So it didn’t go well then?” Normani answered, asking the question that all three of them were dying to know the answer too.

I sighed, knowing that once again I had over-reacted. It was so hard not to though, this all seemed so important and I kept messing up somehow and the only way I could deal with that really, was taking a few days to calm down, locking myself in my room and not talking to anyone. It was childish I knew that but really a lot of my childhood was taken away and I hadn’t learned how to process properly and it ended up in me doing this. I liked to pretend I was an adult when I was younger but now that I was almost and adult I found it progressively difficult to be ‘grown-up’.

I told the girls about my conversation with Camila. How I had approached my apology as me seeking advice instead because she said she didn’t want to hear it. Maura calling from the hospital, solely to inform Camila that we had not slept together. Or to be more specific, I refused to sleep with her because she wasn’t Camila. It still shocked me that Maura had tried so hard to contact me that she had gone via hospital records. I was pretty sure if Camila wanted to she could have gotten her fired.

“That honestly doesn’t sound too bad. I mean she didn’t completely shoot you down you know?” Normani smiled kindly at me.

“I know. I mean it was positive enough but I’m so…” I paused for a moment searching for the right word, but I didn’t know what it was. I wanted to do everything she had told me to do, but there was so much. I wanted to give her the time she needed and I knew I had to work my butt off but what if I messed up? What if I got it wrong? There was no possible way she’d give me another chance. I couldn’t fail her again because the prospect of not having Camila in my life was one that I really couldn’t bare to face. It just made me so…

“Scared?” I looked up to find the youngest member of the band watching me, her caring brown eyes but simultaneously sad. I swallowed taking her in, nodding my head slowly at the word she had chosen. I was scared. Scared I’d lose her if I messed up.

“That’s okay, you’ve got us to help you out.” She smiled at me taking my hand in hers and giving it an affectionate squeeze. I looked down once more trying my best to hide my teary eyes. I was so lucky to have such good friends, who would look after me like this. Especially since they were friends with Camila too and knew her side of the story. It was times like these where I could easily just sit and cry at how wonderful they were, but I was so conflicted with thoughts of Camz and how I was going to fix the situation that I was sure if I started; I wouldn’t be able to stop. So I blinked away the tears and nodded once more, more confident this time.

“Thanks DJ.”

“Yeah but I’d like to clarify that we’re not going to be your messenger or help you with ideas and stuff because Camila wants you to work your butt of not us… We’re more like cheerleaders you know?” Ally added quickly and I smiled at her comparison I could just imagine the three of them making up “Camren” cheers and dancing behind us while I awkwardly offer her a jar of Nutella or something.

“That’s okay Ally, I don’t think half the things these two would suggest would be appropriate anyway.” The oldest laughed with me again and I felt myself brighten up. I don’t know what I would do without these girls. They had always been there for me in ways that most people couldn’t imagine.

“So are you gonna ever come out of this cave?” I laughed at the final member of our group and looked around. I loved my room it was so _easy_ to stay in here. Maybe it was a little too easy, there was too many books and some video games if I ever got bored along with my laptop and my vast _vast_ music collection not to mention my camera. It’d be so hard for me to get bored in here. I smiled and nodded slowly at the other girl.

“Yeah yeah I am.” I chuckled and the others all smiled.

“Do you ever open your curtains?” Normani asked again.

“Only when I’m sneaking out the window…” I answered honestly and the others looked at me confused, I don’t know if they thought I was joking or if I really did sneak out. It didn’t matter really it was usually just when I wanted to go to the cliff (or get out without seeing Camila) and that didn’t happen too often.

Normani shot Ally a look and I had barely turned my head to see how the younger girl had reacted til I felt her on top of me. She held me close and I could feel her wide smile on my cheek.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” She whispered into my ear before continuing out loud so everyone could here.

“And this is for your own good.” She held me tighter and I felt Dinah sit on my legs. I watched and struggled as Normani walked over to my window and began pulling the blinds.

“No! No! No! Please, I’m not rea – Ally let me go! Dinah please!” I struggled trying to wriggle free of the girls’ grips. Normani shook her head with a sly smile and I shut my eyes tight as she wretched the curtains open. The light in every part of my room.

“Oh I see why you keep your curtains closed now. It’s so you can’t see how messy you are.”

“No I’m a vampire.” I hissed bringing my hands in front of my face to shield me from the burning light. Maybe my room was a little messy but the dark was comfortable and easy, I could hide in the dark and nobody would know if there was anything wrong or not. Dinah seemed to read my mind.

“You have to stop hiding. Get dressed we’re going out.” She smiled happily jumping off my legs and nodding for the other girls to follow her. I groaned loudly, I may have been receptive of their advice after our talk but I wasn’t in that much of a good mood.

“Food, not drinks.” _Oh._

_“Mmm.”_

“Exactly now hurry up, or I’ll have to give you a poly-beat-down!” I laughed at the taller girl and threw her my best disbelieving look.

“Just you try it Hansen, you know I always come out on top!” I laughed at her watching the three of them leave. Dinah turned around before closing the door her eyebrows raised innocently.

“Sorry Jauregui – don’t swing that way!” She shut the door quickly as I fired the nearest tangible object at the door. I rolled my eyes as I heard Dinah unmistakable laughter from behind the door and headed for the shower in my newly lit room. Now that my eyes had adjusted I rather liked it this way, the way the natural light brightened up my sanctuary was so refreshing. I thought I might just leave the curtains open and see what else it brings into my room.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Knock-knock._ Jumping at the sound of the two firm knocks on my door I glanced at the clock on my dresser, wondering if I was running late. I look a pin from my mouth and fixed it into my hair before yelling at my doors assailant. Seeing as the girls had invaded and changed my personal space earlier I felt more comfortable with them coming in here. Especially after cleaning up.

“Come in – it’s open!” I yelled bending under the table to lace up my boots.

“Wow I’ve never seen this place look so good!” A familiar voice gasped in surprise. I shot up immediately and banged my head off the desk as I got up.

“Ow.” I mumbled, narked at my own clumsiness. My hand darted to the top of my head where I was sure a lump would appear later on, turning slowly towards the man who had spoken who was now looking at me warmly.

“And I haven’t seen you look this good in a long time either.” He smiled, before walking towards me with his arms open.

“Even if you did almost knock yourself out.” I laughed and ran into his arms, that were a lot stronger than I remember.

“Chris I didn’t even know you were coming!” I embraced him tightly. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen my brother, it was probably the day before flying out here to see Camila in hospital. We never usually went that long without seeing each other. Dad travelled up the most, whenever he was able to really. Chris was in college now studying Architecture at MIT. I suppose the brains ran in the family because that was a college and a half. With Chris being up north he was probably the person I saw the least and maybe missed the most. We had been so close growing up that suddenly being stationed at opposite ends of the country was almost as bad as being put on opposite sides of the Earth.

“I know I thought I’d surprise you!” I smiled as I pulled away from my younger sibling and motioned for him to sit on my bed while I returned to the mirror to add some final touches.

“You did and my head had to suffer for it!” I laughed as I eyed him shrewdly through the mirror.

He laughed at me and we soon fell into an easy flow of conversation. That’s what I loved about my relationship with my family; no matter how far away we were from each other or how long it had been since we had last seen each other, whenever we were reunited we would just naturally start again where we left off. Christopher filled me in on all of his collegiate shenanigans, the girls were nuts for him of course. Even without the knowledge of who his big sister was, but Chris had his eyes for some mystery girl that he wouldn’t divulge any information on. It seemed they were close, maybe even best friends. When he did talk about her it seemed as if he had known her for years, even though he was only in his second year of study.

I couldn’t help but find his situation ironically similar to Camila’s. Except he hadn’t lost his memory and she probably wasn’t as much of an idiot as I was. Never the less, he was in love with his best friend and was struggling to keep things between them platonic when he was with her. It was all very movie-esque and so very typically Chris that when he asked me about my own relationship status I almost choked on my own words.

“Oh come on Laur, there is definitely someone special in your life. I mean you’ve cleaned your room. You’re curtains are open. You’re wearing a tight dress. You’re actually glowing… And that’s not just from me being here!” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes at his terrible humour.

“Honestly I’m just going out for dinner with the girls, no-one’s going to be there. I just decided I should be taking more care of myself. Especially when leaving the house – or everyone will think I’m suffering from withdrawal or something.” I threw away the line trying to distract him from his initial question, but my family were already up to date on my not so wild drug taking history so it was no wonder he didn’t bite the bait. He knew me to well.

“Why were you blushing then?”

“What?! I was not blushing!” I asked incredulously as my hands shot to my face and this time I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. I turned to look at myself in the mirror and examined myself, there was no evidence that I was embarrassed at all. I turned slowly back around to my younger brother who had is eyebrow raised and I realized I had fallen into his trap.

“Hook. Line – and sinker.” He winked before standing up from his place on my bed. He walked over to the door and was about to say something that was undoubtedly impertinent aswell but the door was hit with a few more solid knocks before he could get anything out. Chris opened the door to reveal a very chic looking Normani. Chris poked his head around the door to get a glimpse at her and she almost jumped in surprise.

“Chris! You scared the shit out of me!” She laughed pulling him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry Mani, I didn’t mean to. How are you? You look amazing. As always.” I rolled my eyes at his words.

“Such a suck up Christopher!” I jibed playfully.

“He’s not! He’s charming!” Normani came to his rescue pulling him into a side hug and smiling broadly at him.

“He’s a sycophant and it’s gross.” I teased again grabbing a leather jacket from my wardrobe and heading for the door.

“I don’t know why you’re insulting me Lauren. You’re the one I learnt from.” Chris hummed as he walked out of my room and into the kitchen, greeting the others in a similar fashion to how he had greeted Normani.

“No, I’m much more tactful.”

“Hey he is tactful – and right. It’s Jauregui charm and you’re probably the worst for it…” Ally laughed picking up on our conversation easily.

“No, definitely the worst for it.” Chris laughed planting himself on one of the kitchen stools. I rolled my eyes, but kept my mouth shut, this was not an argument I was going to win.

“You should think about turning the Jauregui charm on tonight – you know make an effort and all that.” Dinah added nonchalantly and I could’ve killed her. Chris’ head snapped between the two of us.

“I knew there was someone!” He chuckled excitedly.

“I can’t believe you won’t tell me!”

“You won’t tell _me!_ ”

Luckily enough Chris didn’t have any time to ask questions, the girls understanding that I hadn’t disclosed all the information about my relationship with Camila.

“You should come to dinner with us Chris, I forgot how much I enjoyed seeing someone tease Lauren like this!” Dinah interjected making the others laugh. We all knew she was looking for new ammo to fire at me. We had a playful repertoire of pranks and embarrassing situations that we loved to put each other in. It used to be between the entire band but we realised that we were much better suited as adversaries in a one-on-one battle.

“I’d love that actually yeah, I haven’t eaten since the flight.” I smiled at his reply, glad that I’d be able to spend more time with him. He had told me that he was only over for the weekend in the first place. So the fact that I didn’t have to ditch him straight away was great – especially when I’d have to when we were working.

We continued chatting for a while, Chris doing most of the talking relaying a lot of what he had told me earlier to the other girls. I was always so glad that they all got along so well with my family. It wasn’t long until the fifth and final member of the band descended the stairs and joined us. That was when I was truly grateful that Christopher had decided to surprise me. The attention was drawn to him and Camila immediately greeted him with open arms, jibing him as if he was her own brother. For the first time seeing her since the accident they seemed awfully friendly. I couldn’t help but wonder if she remembered him like she had my father and the rest of my family. Obviously not as well as she remembered me, but even when she was still confined to her hospital bed she asked my dad to go see her. I never really questioned it beforehand, but it did seem rather odd.

I was too busy trying to avoid the sweat that was clamming up my hands and act natural and I missed most of the exchange between them. I desperately hoped that neither of them noticed, Chris already having presumed that I was involved with someone and as inaccurate as that was, he’d be able to figure it out if he tried. I began washing my hands and decided to try and tune it to what they were saying.

“So how’s it going with…” Camila faded out and wiggled he eyebrows at my younger brother. I looked between them in confusion; maybe I should have been paying attention.

 “I’m not sure. We’re still really close I just find it hard to… you know make that initial step. I think I’m still hoping that she’ll make the first move.” He sighed sadly and I couldn’t help interject.

“Hang on! You know who his mystery woman is?” I asked incredulously. Camila looked at me and smiled softly, I saw her eyes flicker up and down my body and I couldn’t help but blush at her not-so-subtle attempt of checking me out.

“Yeah I’ve been helping him out for ages…” She answered softly her own cheeks reddening from being caught.

“How long is ages? Chris why don’t I get to know that’s not fair!” I huffed angrily towards my brother, hoping he wouldn’t have seen the exchange between us.

“Well we traded… And you don’t want to tell me who it is you’re getting all dressed up for so you don’t get to know.” He stuck his tongue into the side of his cheek and once again my cheeks burned. I wasn’t sure what was more of a shock. The fact that they had been in contact, or that Camila knew more about Chris’ social life than I did or that they _traded_? What does that even mean?

“Which reminds me.” He smiled at my reaction and turned back to face the younger girl.

“How’s it going for you?” _Oh shit. That’s what that meant._ I felt my smile drop from my face as I watched the color drain from Camila’s face, her eyes flickered towards me and then settled on the floor.

“It’s… I don’t know… Maybe, later ‘cause uh…” She stuttered through her sentence and I could tell it was making Chris more and more curious.

“Let’s go I’m starving!” I interjected quickly fixing my jacket and walking around the counter and hooking my arm into Camila’s. If I wasn’t so flustered and content on getting her out of that awkward situation there would be no way I would have the nerves to do that. Especially after our conversation the other day. My plan was baby steps and here I was being brash almost dragging her off to dinner.

We made it to the door and the others began to follow. I opened it, allowing Camila to go out in front of me. She mumbled thanks and walked towards the car. It was only then that I was able to appreciate the outfit she had chosen. As always she was dressed impeccably from head to toe. Her long brown hair in loose curls adorning her shoulders, which were covered an oversized letterman that I hadn’t seen in years. A very _inconspicuous_ 5H embroidered on the back of it. I smiled my mind flicking through memories of her wearing that during our first jingle ball, but I was soon distracted by her as she made a big deal of opening the car door and getting into it. Her long tanned legs stumbling away from the SUV’s heavy door as she pulled it open. She sat in side-ways so her legs were the last thing I saw. I wasn’t sure if she had re-gained her clumsy or if she knew I was watching. Maybe she knew her short plaid dress was impossible to look away from.

I heard a throat being cleared and dragged my attention away from the car to find Chris standing over me, his right arm holding the door open and the other signaling for me to follow after my long-legged band mate. His face was smug and his eyebrow was raised – wordlessly asking me things I wasn’t prepared for. I just furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head taking off after Camila.

“You told him?!” I whispered as I got into the back of the SUV, seating myself beside the brunette.

“He already knew!” She answered shrugging her hands raised defensively.

“What do you mean?” I asked softening my voice, I had to remember to control my temper. Even if we were temporarily flustered by Chris’ arrival, I was still in the bad books and I didn’t need my temper getting the better of me now.

“I mean he asked me how I felt about you.” She frowned obviously remembering the conversation between herself and my brother.

“When the only person I remembered was you, the first people who came back were your family. Chris and I got talking and he asked. I thought it was weird at first but he told me that I had told him before the crash… So I guess I did tell him, but not recently…” She amended, looking at me her brown eyes full of innocence. She was a terrible liar anyway so I knew that she was telling me the truth, but it still shocked me that Chris had known about her feelings for me since before the crash. Hell, it still shocked me that Camila had feelings for me before the crash. I was only able to nod at her as the others joined us in the car.

 

* * *

 

 

The dinner was hard enough to get through, there were so many occasions when Chris brought something up that would leave me in an awkward position. The girls loved it of course and it was no surprise that Dinah had taken point and sat beside our guest. I was surprised she wasn’t taking notes at this stage.

I found myself on my best behavior and it was almost tiresome. Not only was I trying to be courteous and charismatic with Camila I was also trying desperately hard to make sure it all came across as platonic friendly-ness. Yet still more of an effort than what a friend would do. I had gotten to the stage where I could only hope that Camila would understand what was going on.

The only opportunity I really had to show that I was making more of an effort was when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I headed straight for the cashier and asked the waitress to put Camila’s bill on mine and not say anything to her. That was a good first step wasn’t it? Or was it too cliché? _Yeah Lauren that’s so original buy a girl dinner – why don’t you throw in a movie as well?_ I knew I was over-thinking but I couldn’t help myself, I needed to show her I had meant what I said, but it was so difficult with Chris examining my every move.

I ignored my pessimistic musings and returned to the table. Seeing that everyone had caught up on Camila and I and finished their deserts. Camila was always the first finished any meal and Ally the last, it was like a band rule. Dinah and I usually competed for third, but tonight she was so pre-occupied by Christophers’ ruminations of our childhood that she often forgot to chew. I was never too sure if she was really interested in his stories or his face. I shivered remembering the time she had referred to him as a BILF. I was appalled of course, first telling her that MILF and DILF were acceptable acronyms but brother-I’d-like-to-fuck was never used. I was hit with an aftershock of Normani butting in and agreeing with me and telling Dinah she should have just said “ _fuckable_ ”, because and I quote; _“Damn that boy be fine.”_

“Ready to go Laur? We’re just about to ask for the bill.” I nodded smiling coyly to myself as Normani waved over the nearest waiter.

It only took a few minutes for the next waiter to come over placing five small booklets on the table in front of everyone except Camila. Who turned around baffled.

“Sorry it seems you’ve forgotten mine.” She said politely to the waiter just before he walked away.

“Aw Mila you just gave up free food, what is wrong with you?” Dinah laughed at her across the table.

“Yours has been taken care of Miss. Cabello.” He said calmly before turning on his heel and attending to another table. The brunette turned back around to the table still seemingly confused and I couldn’t help but smile as I placed my cash into the booklet I had been given, making sure to leave a generous tip.

“Talk about favoritism, you probably ate the most as well.” Normani frowned towards the waiter obviously presuming the restaurant had taken care of Camila’s food. Dinah’s hand was as quick as lightning and almost invisible too, I wouldn’t have noticed it only for Normani’s head lunging forward and her own hand going up to comfort the victimized part. The dancer turned to her best friend who was giving her the blatant “Are you stupid?” eyes.

“Did you really have to hit me?” She asked incredulously, Dinah just rolled her eyes in reply and we all tried to stifle a laugh at their childish behavior. Everyone seemed to watch as the two exchanged a few more jabs at each other.

“That was sweet. Well done.” Ally whispered quietly, she had already gotten up from her seat and was now putting her coat on. I smiled at her, somewhat proud that she approved of my gesture. She sent me a wink and headed towards Chris, engaging him in some sort of conversation. I took that as my cure and shot up from my chair grabbing Camila’s old letterman and helping her into it. She smiled shyly and looked at me , her big brown eyes curious. I smiled back sliding my own arms into my leather jacket.

“Oh.” She said in realization.

“Thank you.” She smiled nodding at me and heading over to the other girls. I jogged after her trying to keep up. We got to the car and the others were still in deep conversation. I ran to Camila’s side of the car and opened the door for her smiling widely as she got into her seat and buckled herself in. This time not even acknowledging me. I shut the door quickly and got in on the other side. Dinah had already stolen my old seat so I was sat at the door beside Normani who was in deep conversation with my brother. Laughing at every joke he said and making sure to touch his arms as much as she possibly could. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, she was such a flirt and he was so oblivious. I couldn’t help but wonder if the girl he really liked in fact liked him back and he had no idea.

I made a mental note to ask Alexa about it. She now lived in New York and when Chris moved out her way, I asked if she could keep an eye on him for me. After all these years, he was practically her brother too. It made me wonder if Camila had adopted the same mantra and treated Chris as a brother too. I turned around to see Dinah animatedly telling Camila some sort of story and smiled at how intrigued yet bewildered she looked. Dinah made suddenly made a sort of popping noise and Camila broke into laughter, the sound danced into my ears and I couldn’t help but smile at her.

She looked at me quickly before turning back to Dinah, completely ignoring me once again. I sighed turning around in my seat. I wished it was that easy for me, I wish I could just make her laugh like that and sit beside her and hug her when I wanted to. I rolled my eyes at how pathetic I sounded, sure enough I had made an effort tonight, but I had a lot to make up for. I heard her laugh again and found myself silently promised that I was going to pull out all the stops for her. She was right; I needed to work my ass off and that’s exactly what I was going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry this is weird I don't know how I feel about it. I had two different ideas and I ended up doing neither. Hopefully I'll be back on track next update though. Don't forget to let me know what you think :) ily x


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She’s got you whipped, sorry Laur.”

The next few weeks were pretty hard going. Not just on me. We were getting ready for our “Comeback Tour”, which I found ridiculous seeing as we were only away for about ten months anyway. Our management of course just saw it as another way to get money and that disgusted me. I was however glad to be going back on tour. We were still working on our new album as well but since it was post-production there wasn’t much that got in the way of our dance rehearsals. I had been on my best behavior ever since the night we went for dinner. I was constantly making an effort to get back in to Camila’s life. Progress had been made, we now had a once a week breakfast date in her room. It was usually whatever day we were off and I would try and get up before her to make breakfast for us. It got to the stage where if I wasn’t awake first, I would find a note on the noticeboard telling me what to make.

It was like our weekly update, which was nice when our schedule became so busy we would barely see each other. I felt like I was getting to know her again, even though most of the stuff she told me I knew or had presumed. It was nice that she was able to trust me with this stuff again and I felt like it was a good staple for our new- _new_ friendship. I also was hoping that she would let something slip to me about Chris’ mystery woman. Alexa had been no help, she told me that they hung out a lot and she would consider him one of her best friends but he never seemed interested in anyone in college or otherwise. The whole ordeal confused me greatly, so I decided to leave it until he decided to tell me himself.

There was changes within Camila as well, seeing as we were multi-tasking with our schedules it seemed that she was doing even more than that. She was up to date on all of our old repertoire and she knew the choreography for the old songs, but she also told me she was writing. This didn’t surprise me at first, she had become progressively more involved in our album process every time but she would never let us hear her songs, or even read them. That was what surprised me, I didn’t even have to push, or convince her.

“Hey so do you think the others would mind that I’ve been writing?” Camila asked nervously chewing on the end of her glasses. I looked up to see questioning eyes staring at me. It took me a second to react, my eyes drawn to her full lips hooked around the arm of her spectacles. I swallowed quickly and shook my head.

“Not at all, they’d encourage it I think.” I smiled once I had composed myself.

“Do you think they’d want to hear them?” My jaw almost fell off with excitement. When we had first found out she was writing it wasn’t from her directly. We always seemed to walk in on her playing guitar and humming tunes we’d never heard before, as soon as she realized she wasn’t alone, she would pack away and hide her journal. It didn’t take long for us to figure it out but as soon as we addressed her about it, she would blush furiously and refuse that she was doing anything of the sort. Yet here she was barely a year later, offering them up willingly.

“Of course they’d want to hear them!” I said enthusiastically, trying my hardest to make sure it was only enthusiasm and not desperation. I was obviously dying to hear her songs.

“Do you think if they’re any good, they’d consider doing them for the group? It’s just I have all these ideas for harmonies and arrangements and sometimes I write things that are like out of my range but I still want them to be heard you know?” I smiled at her enthusiasm, that was one of the things that had _not_ changed about Camila since the crash. Whenever she was truly passionate about something it simply over-took her being and there was an effervescence that surrounded her.

“I think the girls would really love that. Especially after everything you’ve been through.” I smiled once more at the brunette in front of me, who seemed to be growing more confident with every word of encouragement I gave her.

“I think I might… If you’re sure the girls will be okay with it.” She glanced at me once more for reassurance. I nodded back animatedly. She smiled to herself taking our plates and putting them in the dishwasher. I watched her and she began to leave and realized that I really didn’t want her to. One breakfast a week wasn’t enough anymore. I knew I had to step up my game but she was so intimidating for such a sweet and little person. Granted she wasn’t _that_ much smaller than me, but she’s my little nugget – how could I ever be intimidated by _my little nugget?!_

“Hey what about me?” I asked suddenly, trying not to yell.

“What about you?”

“You’re just asking ‘bout what the girls will think… What about me?” I gave her a small smile as I slid around the counter, landing in front of her.

“I know your answer.” She scoffed as if it was obvious the whole time.

“No you don’t…” I mumbled awkwardly. _Why had our roles revered so much?_

“What is it?” I asked anyway, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“The same as usual…” She smiled cheekily walking towards the archway into the living room.

“And what _usual_?” I smirked walking after her. She younger girl turned to me and cheeky smile before throwing her head back.

“OH YES CAMZ… AHH YES! YEEES!” She moaned at the top of her lungs and before I could let any embarrassment paralyze me, I leapt towards the younger girl. She reacted immediately, dashing into the living room and trying to run for the stairs. I sped after her and tackled her into the couch. The younger brunette began giggling and trying to escape. I fought to keep her in place, my hands taking a hold of her arms and pinning her down, my thighs either side of her hips.

“You’re such a dick.” I laughed once she finally calmed down.

“Yeah well you’re a pushover, you always say yes.” She shrugged her head slightly before smiling up at me.

“Am not.” I disagreed immediately. The younger girl simply nodded firmly, her brown eyes showing no signs of giving up. I found myself lost for a moment, I couldn’t look away as her long lashes blinked slowly and her lower lip hooked between her teeth. My breathe hitched before I realized what was going on. We seemed to be a lot closer now and my palms were getting sweaty with nerves, my arms threatening to shake and not hold me up any longer.

“Wanna get off me Jauregui?” Camila raised an eyebrow playfully at me. I pretended to think for a moment before shaking my head and smiling at her again.

“I think you should get off me…” She said softly, her voice slow and sultry. She propped herself up on her elbows, her top half rising to meet me. My hands still gripped around her wrists as I straddled her.

“Before I make you.” She finished in a whisper her breath tickling my skin she was so close. I swallowed heavily trying to clear my throat in the process. I thought about answering back for a moment, wondering if it was worth the risk. I decided on just shaking my head softly, my eyes never leaving hers. The brunette seemed amused by my answer rising an eyebrow in surprise. I stared her down and she let her face relax and turn back into that annoying little smirk she did.

Camila moved in closer, our noses were touching now and I had to fight the urge to let my eyelids flutter shut and let her kiss me. There was no way this could be this easy though, not with Camila. I kept my eyes locked on hers for as long as I could but as soon as she rolled her hips upwards into me I was gone. My jaw dropped in surprise as my eyes closed in pleasure. As soon as my guard was down, Camila took control flipping me into the back of the couch her hands now tightly gripped around my wrists. She stood bent over me, our faces still excruciatingly close.

“Told you.” She whispered onto my lips. I felt the desperation in my eyes as I looked up at her, willing her to kiss me. She must have seen it because it was mere seconds before that stupid smirk was on her face again and she was loosening her grip and moving away from me. She walked over to the door as if she was on stage, knowing I was watching her as she left. She gave me a quick glance before leaving the room completely. I stayed in the same position until her footsteps had died down and I knew she was in her room.

I fixed my position on the couch and lay there staring at the ceiling for a while. I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh, _what the fuck was she doing to me?!_ Since when was Camila the one to flip me over and tease me like that. I closed my eyes tight, my mind bringing me back to the image of the younger girl lying above me, pinning me to the couch. I felt bit my lip unintentionally. If just thinking about her had this much of an effect on me I didn’t know how I was supposed to like, flirt and keep up with her constantly. I mean would she be brash enough to be like that in front of the girls? In front of fans?

It hurt to think about it for too long, every so often my mid would wander to the mental image of her hovering over me, smirking. It was infuriating and intoxicating all at once. I tried to distract myself by thinking about what her songs could possibly sound like nd what the lyrics would be and what they would mean to her and how she would be perform them for us. That made me smile. She was so passionate about being in a band, even the second time round.

But even after that an annoying thought ended up in my head. _Pushover._ Camila thinks I’m a pushover. I tried to shake it from my head but it seemed to stick with me somehow.

 

 

It wasn’t until later in the week until I was able to get it off my chest we had just finished dance rehearsal and were grabbing lunch together in the studio’s snack area. Camila had just excused herself to go to the bathroom and I offered to make her lunch for her. She rolled her eyes and nodded as she left and I could see her mind thinking I was soft.

“Hey guys?” I tried to sound nonchalant as I took out Camila’s ready made pasta from her bag and put it in the microwave. There was a communal sort of hum as they all prepared their own snacks.

“Do you think I’m a pushover?” I asked still keeping my eyes on my task at hand.

“Ha! No you’re the most stubborn person I know!” Normani laughed and I relaxed, finally being able to look at them. The other two nodded in agreement.

“Why do you ask?” Allyson asked as she tossed her salad.

“Camila said I’m a push – “

“Whoa! Mila is a whole different story!” Dinah interrupted almost immediately. Ally muffled her giggle with her hand before nodding.

“Yeah she’s got you whipped, sorry Laur.” She smiled at me.

“WHOOPAH!” I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help laugh at the reference.

I shook my head, internally trying to figure out when we had swapped places. Camila had always been the pushover, well not a pushover, but she was softer. She always did what I wanted, I never quite knew why but now it was obvious. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out if I was ever like that when we were younger when an unpleasant memory came to mind. It wasn’t me being a pushover, or Camila actually but it was the first time she wasn’t. The first time she had denied me what I wanted and if it could still stick in my mind like this then it obviously affected me way more than I ever admitted.

**I had cleaned up the bus after my two best friends and boyfriend left. We had made a bit of a mess, I always got the munchies after a show anyway but having another three mouths to feed was a bit messier than I had first thought. Especially when said three mouths’ were far more excited than they should have been, and decided that there short time with me would be best spent throwing food at each other. It probably spent more time cleaning up after them then I did with them.**

**My well-deserved rest was spent on my own on one of our couches. I wanted to Instagram at least one picture of Alexa, Erica, Luis and I from tonight. It was going to be so long until I saw them again I wanted to make sure they knew how much I loved them and would miss them. It wasn’t look before I was getting notifications for likes and comments, one of which flicked a switch in my brain.**

**I looked down the bus to the bunks and saw a couple of lights on. I knew Normani and Ally were here but I hadn’t seen Camila and Dinah in a while and I wanted to stay on the high I was at by hanging out with Camila. She never failed to make me laugh. I got up and walked towards the bunks giving a small knock on the wood beside her bed.**

**“Camz…” I whispered softly, presuming Dinah would be asleep by now. There was no answer so I tried again a little louder this time.**

**“Camz?” I peeked through the curtain to see it empty as Normani answered me from her own bunk.**

**“She’s out.”**

**“Oh… Do you know where she went?” I asked Normani’s curtain.**

**“No her and Dinah have been gone since before your friends came over, I would’ve thought they’d be back by now but I guess not.” I was surprised to hear that the two had been gone for that long.**

**“Did you really not notice they were gone?” Ally’s head popped through her curtain, looking up at me in shock.**

**“Um, no.” I felt ashamed admitting it out loud. I basically ignored my bandmates to hang with my friends and boyfriend. Usually I would have some huge spiel about how it was acceptable because I hadn’t seen them in ages but this was the beginning of the tour and had only been a month. The fact that I completely didn’t notice that neither Dinah or Camila were even on the bus, was a sign that perhaps I wasn’t able for this life. I would never had ignored someone I cared about so blatantly before all this happened so why did I do it now? I rolled my eyes at myself and climbed into my bunk and took out my phone, I typed in Camila’s name and started writing a message.**

Sorry I ditched today. Just realized how much of a jerk it made me. I wish I spent more time with you guys today. I hope you had a nice time I’ll see you when you get home. X

**I hit send without much thought, it was an abysmal attempt at an apology but I knew Camila would be alright. She hated conflict more than anyone, not that there was any but the fact that I even took the time to send the message would usually make her forgive me in an instant. I decided since my message was shit, that I’d text Dinah as well for extra brownie points.**

You too DJ, sorry for being a bit loony. I just got ahead of myself. Love you both x

**I knew they’d be together so it was just like talking to them. With that done I rolled over and tried to get some z’s.**

**After an hour lying in bed I realized it wasn’t going to be an easy task. I did everything I could to try and get to sleep and now all my lives on candy crush were gone and I was scrolling through twitter. It was then that I heard the click of the bus door and some footsteps that told me that Camila and Dinah were finally back. They took their sweet time, it must’ve been about 1am at this stage. They didn’t even text me back so to say I was worried would be an understatement, maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep.**

**I heard a few mumbles and then Camila.**

**“Yeah, night.” It was a strange thing for her to say, no nicknames or “I love you” for Dinah was very rare. Waiting until I heard the music from Dinah’s headphones to get out of my bunk, I once gain gave a light tap on the wooden frame of Camila’s bunk.**

**“Hey Camz…” I whispered quietly. There was no answer but I knew she wasn’t asleep. If there anyone who was more restless than me it had to be Camila. She always had her nightly tumblr check anyway and there was no way she was done that yet.**

**“Camila?” I asked again, pulling the curtain back slightly. The brown eyed girl was already staring at where I was stood, her eyes wide open mouth shut tight. She looked like she had been crying her face was flushed a little her hair pulled behind her.**

**“Are you alright?” I whispered softly again. She frowned at me slowly as if she was concentrating profusely. Once again she didn’t say anything, her lips pursed tight. She obviously didn’t want to talk about it so instead I took my usual course of action. I pulled the curtain back a bit more and carefully placed my foot on Normani’s bunk, ready to hoist myself up.**

**“Can we cuddle?” I asked out of habit. Really, I think if I hadn’t asked she wouldn’t have said anything.**

**“No.” Her answer was almost immediate and it took me by surprise. Frozen in my spot I stared at her uncertainly.**

**“A-Are you sure?”**

**“Yes.”**

**“Oh okay.” I smiled sadly at her. She must have been really upset, because we always cuddled. She had never said no before and hearing her voice so cold and sharp after not talking to her for a few hours was a complete shock to the system but I lowered my foot from it’s step none-the-less. I drew her curtain a bit more before whispering to her again.**

**“Night then.” I closed the curtain and got back into my own bed, still confused by Camila’s reaction. I wondered if she was still mad at me but then I remembered how short she had been with Dinah. She rarely talked to me about her problems with the youngest. The two of them were so close they rarely had proper fights, but the one time they did Camila came running to me. She never spoke a word or gave any hint as to why they were fighting, she seemed so upset and angry I just couldn’t imagine Dinah doing anything that bad. It was solved a day later but it was still strange to see her in such a state. Kinda like how she was now.**

**My brain concluded that she must have been fighting with Dinah, I subconsciously confirmed it when soft sobs started coming from the bunk across from me. I was tempted to go out and talk to her but she had already made it clear that she didn’t want to talk to me right now so I left it. I wondered what Dinah could have possibly done to make Camila cry herself to sleep.**

**I couldn’t sleep with Camila crying next to me, but I couldn’t go out and help her either. I was just stuck in my own head wishing I could have some sort of excuse to go out and comfort her.**

**“Mila?” Dinah’s voice came across the corridor she had obviously gotten out of her bunk to talk to her. I heard Camila mumble in response followed by a short hushed conversation, I couldn’t help but peek through the gap in my curtain. Dinah had her head stuck into Camila’s bunk, Camila’s arm was resting on the younger girls back, her fingers scratching lightly. I watched the two interact so intimately and tried not to let myself be consumed by jealousy. Why was I even the slightest bit jealous anyway? I had just spent a wonderful day with my family and friends and boyfriend and I saw Camila everyday, why would I need her now. I sighed quietly as Camila’s grip tightened on Dinah’s shirt and tugged lightly. That was universal Camila language for get into my bunk please. There was another pang as it hit me that she wanted Dinah and not me, that she wanted to cuddle Dinah and me. As Dinah disappeared into the brunette’s bunk I closed my curtain and rolled over closing my eyes tight.**

**Even though I knew I was jealous of them and on any other occasion their late night talks annoyed the hell out of me, but their hushed conversation was almost comforting. I knew that Camila needed to talk it out and I was glad she could, even if it wasn’t me.**

**I was finally able to sleep after I heard her soft giggle float across the bus. It was warm and giddy just like Camila should be and if there was anything that DJ could do for her, it was make her laugh.**

“I always thought Camz was the pushover.” I mumbled to myself. Dinah smiled seemingly keeping up with my memories.

“Yeah so did she, but she tried to change.” She said quietly. I almost laughed thinking of Camila’s _change_ in character.

“Yeah. I think she managed that alright.” I couldn’t help but smile at the progress she had made from being that nervous wreck of a fifteen year old that she was when we met.

“You’ve always had a soft spot for her.” Normani smiled teasingly, jumping up to sit on the counter. Ally got up from her seat and leaned on the taller girls knees, smiling broadly at me.

“You’re secretly a big softie…” Ally drawled poking me in the side.

“Guys stop it.” I whined batting her hand away from me playfully.

“Remember that time you bought Sofi a phone just so Camila could ring her whenever she wanted?” Ally continued her smile as bright as ever.

“Yeah or the time you…” I rolled my eyes. They were not going to do this, were they.

“And the time you brought her dinner when she was sick and when went on that monster of a ride at six flags even though you really didn’t want to…” I swear Dinah must have had a list or something because she just kept going.

“Or that time you gave her the perfect first kiss by acting out her dream.” A different voice interrupted us this time and I froze in horror.

“Oooh what’s this?” Dinah asked spinning around towards the shorter brunette.

“Yeah you know the way I had my perfect kiss planned out? Well Lauren just about followed it like a script…” Camila smiled coyly, her tongue stuck into the side of her cheek as she took her lunch from me.

“And you never told us?” Dinah gave me a faux appalled look but I could easily see that she was far too overwhelmed with cuteness to actually be annoyed at me. I felt myself cheeks turn bright red at the stares of the girls.

“You never told them?” Camila gasped at me.

“Y- _you_ never told them!” I mumbled my eyes falling to the floor, it seemed to be a new habit I had formed.

“Lauren that’s just about the cutest most romantic thing I ever heard!” Ally finally burst and I looked up to see her smiling, her hands holding either side of her face. I wonder she ever got tired of smiling. Camila’s mouth curled into a smirk and she winked at me once more before turning on her heel and leaving the kitchen space. I didn’t think it was possible but my cheeks burned even more.

“Okay _what,_ was that?” Normani said before exchanging a look with Dinah who nodded towards me.

“What was what?” I asked looking between the two. Dinah came closer to me staring at me for a moment before suddenly slapping me in the back of the head.

“GURL WHAT IS WRONG WITCHU?” She whisper-yelled harshly. I ducked a little too late and she still managed to get clipped.

“DINAH WHAT THE FUCK?” My hand shot to the back of my head.

“You are Lauren Jauregui and you look like a fucking tomato?” She said folding her arms, Normani coming to her side and mirroring her actions nodding along. At this stage Allyson was sat watching everything that was unfolding trying to stop her salad from escaping her mouth with how much she was laughing. I frowned between the two taller girls in front of me.

“I mean embarrassed Lauren was cute, but it got boring after the first five – “

“ _Hundred_.”

“Five – _hundred­_ times.” Dinah finished nodding at her best friend.

“What are you on about?” I asked incredulously.

“Look Lo, we know you’ve got it bad, but you’re stuttering and blushing and mumbling and not flirting back what is _wrong_ with you?” Normani said her eyebrows raised.

“You’re Lauren Jauregui, you’re the sex appeal in the band yo and you’re stood there like she knocked the wind out of you. You never would have taken that before! You’re the one who has the boys running and the girls questioning their sexuality.” Dinah punctuated with a firm nod, before Normani continued.

“And when you’re the one who leaves people stuttering. Not the other way around. So how come you’ve suddenly turned dumb?” I looked at the expectant brown eyes dumbfounded. I didn’t know they thought all those things, or _noticed_ all those things. I still couldn’t answer and this time Ally joined in while putting her now empty salad bowl in the sink and washing it up.

“Look what they’re saying is, we know you. You’re the word girl, you know? You always know what to say, you’re an amazing flirt. That’s why y’all had so much chemistry in the first place.”

“I haven’t… I’m not… I still…” I couldn’t word my sentence right and it frustrated the hell out of me. Nice one _word girl._

“See even thinking about her you can’t form a sentence. She’s the same girl you know, she may have more confidence now but if you pushed back you’d see she’s still the same.” I shook my head at the oldest girls’ words. I was sure that if I pushed her back she would just get worse with her comments and teasing. I wasn’t sure how to deal with her now, I wasn’t sure how to deal with her being confident and sexy and flirting and the way she was making me field. It was the strangest thing, but so captivating. I loved and hated it but couldn’t find a way to keep up, except blushing profusely at every sexual innuendo and insinuation she threw my way.

“Girl we need to get your confidence back and your flirt turnt up.” Dinah said with a firm nod before sharing a cheeky smile with Normani and raising her eyebrow. The two of them shared some telepathic conversation before slowly turning to me with dangerous smirks on their faces. _Oh God no._


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She played with me as if she had been doing me for years. _It – I meant doing it for years._ "

“Okay so first of all, let’s get to the bottom of this. Where has your mojo gone?” I looked around the kitchen nervously. This was possibly the worst place to be in this situation. Not only were Dinah and Normani the loudest members of the band but we were also right underneath Camila’s bedroom.

“I uh… dunno. I never really had mojo did I?” I asked looking between the two taller girls, who were exchanging disbelieving glances.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Normani said plainly hoisting herself up onto the counter gracefully and crossing her arms. I looked over at the other tall girl and found her nodding in a agreement. The two of them had decided I needed an intervention and this wasn’t a thing I was exactly looking forward to it. I had contemplated trying to avoid them but the longer I left it, the more annoying they would become.

“We had this conversation before Laur, I’m sure of it.” I squinted at Normani with confusion, shaking my head.

“Definitely not, I would remember saying something like ‘Mojo’.” I waved my hands oddly at the word as it fell strangely from my lips. It was definitely not a word that I intended to keep in my vocabulary.

“No Dawg, pretty sure we told you…” Dinah looked at Normani for confirmation before continuing.

“I know we say Ally’s the biggest flirt, but we all know she’s harmless. You’re the dangerous one.” My eyebrows rose in shock at her comment. _Dangerous?_ The girls obviously noticed my discomfort at the word and answered my unvoiced question.

“Dangerous is good.” Dinah reassured before the other girl cut in.

“No dangerous is _bad_ and bad is good.” She winked at me and I couldn’t help but wonder if she was into “bad” and if “bad” ran in the family.

“Do you like dangerous boys?” I asked innocently. If this experience was going to be anything other than helpful for me, it was going to at least help me find out if Normani was interested in my brother. Even if he had been rather silent on the situation, maybe if I could convince her to make the first move.

“Sometimes, depends on the personality of the guy. IF you were a guy you’d be perfect because you’re sweet and thoughtful and dangerous and that is like a really rare combination.” She said seriously as if she had given guy me a lot of thought.

“Is Chris not guy me?” I asked again trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

“Nah he’s never had the same danger as you. Anyway this is about you and Camila. Stop asking so many questions.” She smiled wagging her finger at me, her tongue in her cheek. I knew she just loved being in charge when I was around. Even though she was older I always had more of a voice when we were doing things like interviews or creative input into albums and things. It was probably just because I was more opinionated and usually didn’t like what people tried to peg us as.

“What we’re trying to say is that you have an element of danger that nobody can compete with. Not Camila with her new found flirty-ness. Which, by the way, I’m sure if you ask her where she get it from, she’ll say you. So you also have that.” Dinah nodded towards me expectantly.

“What do you mean she learnt it from me?!”

“Girl when we were younger you too were at each other like rabid dogs with the sexual innuendos. It only took about a year for you to spoil her innocent mind!” Dinah laughed at me whole-heartedly

“I don’t think rabid dogs is the right…”

“Doesn’t matter!” The youngest cut in again.

“You know what I’m trying to say! You guys used to flirt all the time, there was no way for you to communicate otherwise…” She began saying something else but her other words were niggling at me.

“And just to let you guys know! I didn’t ruin her ‘innocent mind’!” I piped finally. It was about time they knew the truth.

“I bet it was never innocent, she just waited until she was around me to voice it…” The two girls exchanged a look before breaking into laughter.

“Honestly guys! She always had her mind in the gutter, it was quite astonishing actually….” My brain wandered to memories of Camila’s quick comments, or the subtle eye movement, or the way she would slow down her words slightly so I knew here was a double meaning, or the way her voice would change and get huskier and lower and make something that should sound playful and innocent, sound seductive and… _dangerous?_

“It’s that animalistic instinct thing. Even if you didn’t teach her, you made her need to learn it herself just by being around you. It’s one of the laws of nature, if you want something you need to learn the tools you need to get it with.” Normani said once her laughter died down. She smiled to herself seemingly proud of how much sense that made and I couldn’t help but be proud of her. It was a pretty smart conclusion to come to.

“What tools did you get?” I asked trying to find a way to direct this back to her and Chris. As much as I was enjoy being blamed for ruining Camila’s interest I had my own objective to attain.

“Don’t be silly I have all the tools!” Normani laughed before continuing.

“Now stop diverting and pay attention!” She nodded forcefully and I couldn’t help but smile at how much the two best friends were enjoying this. They were like a tag team taking me out but in the most hilarious way possible.

“Now, what we’re trying to say is she is the same girl she was four years ago, you could handle her four years ago why can’t you handle her now?” Dinah asked me and I was flustered by the serious tone she had in her voice. It was a serious question that I didn’t know the answer to, I didn’t know how to begin to figure it out let alone answer it.

“Because now you know.” The youngest said and I looked up at her confused.

“Now I know what?”

“Now you know she’s attracted to you. It’s not just a joke, it’s not just the “camren” thing. It’s real and you miss dangerous, are scared.” I couldn’t help but let my jaw fall at her words. The realization of them hitting me like a brick. _God dammit,_ why does everyone know more about me than I know about me?!

“But wouldn’t you be if someone you’ve known for that long, in that way… Would you not be scared?” I asked trying to direct my question once again towards Normani. I saw Dinah frown in my peripheral and knew she was on to me. I had to get the rest of it out before my plan was foiled.

“Like say if Chris was flirting back instead of being all chivalrous, would you not be scared?”

“Why do you keep br… Oh. _Oh._ Okay, I wouldn’t go there. Like yeah he’s as hot as hell but that’d be weird right, I mean he _is_ you’re brother.”  She stumbled over her words and I wasn’t too sure if it was because she was confused with my question or if she was trying to cover something up.

“No, I mean I wouldn’t be bothered…” I answered honestly. Who was I o tell Chris or Mani for that matter, who they were and weren’t allowed to date. I mean I should think myself lucky that I already know how much of a nice person Normani is and I don’t have to worry about her screwing over my brother. I saw Normani’s eyes widen in surprise before she gave Dinah one of their subliminally message looks. I instantly felt myself fill with fear.

“Okay then, well I’ll as Chris out if you ask Camila out.” She said finally as if I couldn’t get a better offer. I felt panic rise in my chest as the seriousness of her words hit me. Along with the realization that I probably would in the future have to ask her out.

“A Captains dream.” I heard Dinah behind me before whiting out.

“Are you kidding?!” I reverted to my only safety, _anger_.

“That’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard!”  I controlled my voice before letting it get too loud Camila was just upstairs after all. I internally counted to ten to let myself cool down.

“Guys I can barely flirt back with her and you want me to ask her out? That is the most irrational, illogical…”

“Whoa slow down Jauregui, we’re not all walking dictionaries.” Dinah interjected once more and I felt my anger completely dissipate. I really was just scared. I paused a moment longer before answering her.

“That’s a stupid idea.”

“Well… Just picture her in her underwear.” Dinah answered almost immediately and I felt as if she had been building up to this, the coy smile shared between her and the older girl only confirming that suspicion. I couldn’t help but let my face flush red as images of the younger girls perfectly toned body flashed before my eyes.

I dazed out for a moment thinking about her. Her creamy soft skin, her toned abs, her muscular legs that climbed to meet her perfect bum. 

I was so far into my daze, so invested in imaginary naked Camila’s deep brown orbs that I didn’t even notice the hands being waved in front of my face. I wasn’t broken out of my illusions until the real Camila appeared in front of me. I heard her voice in the distance before it cleared my head and brought me back to reality.

“What’s a stupid idea?” She asks glancing confusedly over towards me while grabbing some fruit form the fruit bowl on the counter in front of us.

I found myself paralyzed again as I watched the younger girl move aroud the kitchen. She was wearing a t-shirt I had given her years ago. An old band shirt that I had bought about four sizes too big and decided that it looked better on Camila when she stayed over at my house. It was so big it covered her shorts making it seem as if she was only wearing my shirt and with that thought in my mind I was completely dumb.

“Imagining you naked.” Dinah said simply and I swear I could have slapped her.

“Oh that’s what’s wrong with her.” Camila said, a smirk growing across her face.

I felt my face turn puce but I wasn’t able to react. I was frozen and my eyes undressing her from my t-shirt and pushing her back against the wall so I could just take her right there. I stared for a moment longer completely aware that she was eyeing me up, probably knowing right well what was going on behind my eyes. She smirked once more and bent down onto the counter so she was leaning across it.

My eyes almost popped from my head when the neckline of my old t-shirt dropped to reveal way more cleavage than I knew she had. It also made me notice that she wasn’t wearing a bra and once that hit me a wave of warmth rushed between my legs. I had no idea I was so sexually frustrated – and that little innocent Camila Cabello of all people would be the one causing my frustration.

She took a bite of her apple and chewed on it slowly her eyes locking onto mine.

“Ideas or memories?” Her voice husked seductively.

I felt my whole body go into shock at her words. I felt as if my blood stopped, my skin was suddenly alight; my cheeks must have been on fire they were burning so bright. My palms began sweating, my head became light and my stomach was stuck doing an eternal back-flip. It took a moment for me to come back to Earth. Normani was not so discreetly mouthing “flirt back” quite angrily behind Camila’s back. Once I noticed her, it snapped me back to reality. Unfortunately just in time to see Camila smirk triumphantly and turn slowly to leave.

“Ideas.” I tried quickly, my brain scratching to remember anything I would have said if it was anybody else in Camila’s position. Of course it was just my luck that my voice came out like a fucking mouse and of course everyone heard it.

Camila stopped dead in her tracks, she turned her head slowly, her perfectly shaped eyebrows raised in curiosity. That stupid smirk still plastered across her face. It infuriated me that even with a simple look, she was able to have so much power over me. I cleared my throat quietly hoping my voice wouldn’t fail me again.

“You look good in my clothes.” I replied with more confidence than I thought I possessed. I kinked my eyebrow for added effect, but Camila seemed totally unfazed by my, probably miserable, attempt to flirt with her. Her smirk grew into a broad grin, her eyes brightening with joy. I felt my heart quicken, seeing her so happy was more of a push to flirt with her more than any Norminah’s tag team lectures were any day. Camila seemed like a completely new person, or a completely old person, old Camila that is. She was radiating joy and her eyes playful and mischievous.

“I look better with them on the floor.” Her reply came easily the words practically falling from her mouth. She sucked her lower lip between her teeth and sent me a wink, before leaving the room her hips swaying almost too hypnotizingly. She knew I was watching and she loved it.

She was right too because all I could do was stare as she left, my mouth drying as my eyes roamed her body.

“Well.” Normani’s voice brought me back down to Earth. I turned to look between my two bandmates and felt myself blush once more in embarrassment. Mani had her arms folded and was looking at me like she was sorry about the position I was in. Dinah just had her head in her hands, she couldn’t even look at me and to be honest I couldn’t blame her.

“That was… _progress._ ” Normani finished awkwardly.

“No that was terrible.” Dinah spoke up. I turned my attention to the taller girl who was still perched on the kitchen counter. She looked up at me amusement flickering between her eyes a smile playing on her lips.

“Hate to say it Jauregui, but Mila’s got way more game than you.” She laughed, the other girl joining in with her immediately. I groaned in annoyance – they were _so_ right.

 

 

It wasn’t till a lot later when I finally went to bed. Not after a few more awkward exchanges with Camila. She seemed to punctuate every sentence with a wink or a click of her tongue and it was the most frustrating thing in the world. She knew every little thing that got to me and it was as if I was just learning how to talk. She played with me as if she had been doing me for years. _It – I meant doing it for years._

God, even my brain was betraying me now. I had literally been trying to think of witty remarks to reply to Camila’s innuendo’s all day and while the other girls were convinced that I once had a talent for it, I found it hard to believe that Camila had such a dirty mind. I mean, I had known she wasn’t as innocent as the media portrayed her, but she was still a bit naïve at times. Either way it was nothing compared to what she was like now.

I was exhausted not only from our hectic schedule (even when we were off we were never truly _off_ ) but I was also mentally exhausted from the extra thinking I had to do. I was so relieved to just pull my covers back and crawl into my bed. My thoughts still somehow managing to find their way back to the doe eyed brunette. She just never left my mind.

I must have been lying there for about an hour, drifting in and out of consciousness, when I heard my door open lightly. Usually I would have been stirred but I was in no humor to greet my guest. I was far too tired for words and I was sure who ever needed me at this hour would do all the talking anyway.

I rolled over onto my back none the less, turning to face my guest. The door closed quietly and I waited for my eyes to adjust to the new layer of darkness. The figure moved slowly to the foot of my bed, her silhouette becoming more prominent against the dimly lit window. I could tell her hair was down falling either side of her shoulders, her top half was covered with a light dressing gown. I couldn’t tell exactly what it was perhaps chiffon or some sort of translucent material. I could see from the way the folds on the fabric moved that it was just resting on her shoulders. Through the dressing gown I could see the curvature of her stomach and my eyes began to wander. From her shoulders down her body, I could see a small rise and fall in her chest, the hourglass like pinch at her waist that then widened out to her bottom and down to her thighs. The rest of her was blocked by my bed, but even with the little amount that I could see it was unmistakably Camila.

I felt my heart quicken and my throat dry as I began to fork through a million reasons she would be here, but as she began to move again my brain froze completely. Her slender arms rose slowly up to her chest and dropped the dressing gown of her shoulders. It fell quietly to the ground and Camila’s arms slowly returning to her sides. I silently hoped that my eyes would adjust to the light quicker.

I watched awestruck as the now, presumably, naked Camila bent forward placing both her hands on the bed. My breathing quickened in realization of what was happening as she began to crawl up the bed towards me. She was perfectly positioned to straddle me and only stopped when her face was directly above mine. I could finally see her at this proximity, her skin looked darker and smoother in the lowly lit room, her body was perfect as it hung above me. My eyes tried to roam but for some reason I couldn’t move my body, it was as if I was in a temporary state of paralysis. I trained on her dark eyes, I wasn’t sure if it was the light or the tension between us but the seemed completely black. She leaned forward until I there was barely millimeters between us. Her breath was heavy and warm on my skin, sending shivers and goose bumps all around my body. She smelt of vanilla and caramel, it was almost intoxicating but I needed more of it. I raised myself to meet her lips, desperate to feel her against me, but before I was anywhere near her she had pulled back and attached herself to my neck just as quick.

She pushed me back onto the bed while her teeth skillfully nibbled and sucked on my neck, her tongue swirling patterns over the sores. My head fell to the side as she began lowering her kisses down my neck, I heard a soft moan and it took a moment to realize it had come from my own mouth. Her skilled mouth was sending me into a frenzy and I was unsure of how long I would be able to keep myself quiet. I glanced at the clock hoping it was late enough that everyone would be asleep at this stage. I squinted my eyes so the small LED lights came into focus.

97.82pa

“Don’t.” Camila’s voice came urgently.

“What?”

“Wake up.” Her voice was heavy and slow as the clock ticked across from me.

_97.83pa?_ My eyes widened as I realized what was going on.

I sat up in my bed quickly, my eyes searching my definitely empty bedroom. Sighing angrily at myself, bringing my hand up to my head I fell back onto my bed with a big huff.

“Jesus Lauren.” I groaned at myself. Now I was having wet dreams about her? She was in my system and I needed to get her out, or at least relieve myself until I could. I felt myself blush profusely at the idea. It had been a long time since I had pleasured myself. I mean when I was younger I used to occasionally indulge myself, being on the road while being on a hormonal high wasn’t an ideal situation.

I rolled my eyes at myself as my hand found its way beneath the covers and down my body. I always slept naked, when we started touring I had to actually go and buy myself a pair of pajamas and even those where just to wear from my bunk to the bathroom to get changed. I carefully spread my legs scared of making too much noise. My hand slipped between them easily, my finger dipping into my already wet folds. I closed my eyes, my mind immediately returning to my fantasy. Camila on top of me, her lips attached to my neck, her hand stroking my inner thighs, teasing me before finding her way into my slick center. My fingers moved in slow circles around my clit which was now throbbing with pleasure. I imagined Camila snaking her way down my body, trailing kisses from my neck to my breasts, to my abdomen, to my ribs, my hips. I pushed my finger inside, slowly starting a rhythm with my hips. My mind flashed to a sweaty looking Camila between my legs, pushing her tongue in and out of me, her usually doe brown eyes black with lust, completely blown out desperate with need.

“Ugh Camz…” The moan escaped my lips before I could even think to stop it. I added another finger and began speeding up. My hips clashing into my hand, the sound of my juices filled the room. I was so turned on and so close to coming undone around my own fingers the sounds I was making seemed strangled and desperate but I couldn’t help myself. Again I imagined Camila’s mouth where I needed it most and without thinking I took my fingers out and dragged them through my folds spreading my sex all over myself. I took my fingers in my mouth and sucked them clean, the taste of my salty desperation only more tantalizing on my tongue. I then returned my hands to my center slowly circling my clit with my wet fingers. As I gathered speed and power my stomach clenched and my fists tightened, the image of Camila’s naked body between my legs sending me over the edge. I felt as if I was going to burst from pleasure, my eyes where seeing white light, my ears hearing white noise. I felt incredible and it was all because of...

“Gaah Camila!” I moaned a bit too loud for comfort, but I didn’t care. Her named just rolled of my tongue as if it was second nature. I let my fingers slow until my body had calmed down. I felt so tired now, my bones ached and my skin was covered in a small layer of sweat but I was on a high from my escapade. I sighed heavily wiping my hand on the bed sheet shamelessly before turning and passing out into a blissful slumber.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dinah almost jumped in excitement, her hands slapped together and she began rubbing them together as an almost evil grin spread across her features._

My alarm woke me the following morning and flashes of the night before flooded my memory. I felt myself blush as I shot up quickly, ripping the sheets from my bed. It was as if I was in a panic to get rid of the evidence of a crime. I shoved them into my wash basket throwing various items of clothing on top, most of them not even needed to be washed. I sprayed some body spray over it ( _as if that was going to help_ ) and hopped into the shower. I made it in record time, drying most of my hair before arriving into the kitchen. A smug smile was plastered on my face for making such record time. Especially seeing as I had a little “clean-up”. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard, moving around the kitchen as if I was in a ballet. I put on my coffee and greeted the others as they entered one-by-one. Dinah was first, still in her pajamas, hair a mess. She simply stood in front of the coffee machine waiting for the batch I had put on to be done.

“Morning.” I chuckled at her handing her a mug. She turned her head slightly, eying me strangely before giving a small grumble of acknowledgement. I moved around her making my oats and seating myself at the kitchen island.

“Good moooorning!” Ally sang as she hopped up the small step. She was the complete opposite of Dinah, she was fully dressed, make-up and hair done and there was a bounce in her step that wasn’t just compensating for her height difference. She headed straight for the fridge, retrieving her daily glass of whatever weird juice she was currently drinking. Ally was always one for these skin cleanse things and detoxes. I was never one for those types of things, I always told her the only thing I wanted cleansed by her was my soul, but even that would be a push. She actually didn’t take to kindly to that. She scolded me informing me that she wasn’t a nun. This was _breaking news_ for me.

“Morning Al!” I smiled fondly at her taking my mug from Dinah and gladly sipping on my coffee. Dinah grunted once more, sitting down on the couch near the French doors. Ally didn’t bat an eyelid; everyone knew the youngest didn’t talk for her first half hour or so. She just made noises and occasionally hand gestures if you caught her on a particularly bad day.

“How’re y’all?” Ally asked absentmindedly as she pottered around the kitchen.

“Great. I think it’s gonna be a good day.” I smiled broadly at her. The oldest paused for a moment, her utensils still in her hand, mouth slightly agape. She stared me down for a moment before glancing over at Dinah. I turned to the youngest who was almost impossible to look out in the bright sunlight, I saw her shrug lightly, obviously making some other facial movements before returning to her coffee. I felt myself become paranoid as I turned back round to Ally who was still looking at me. Why was everyone being weird, did they hear me last night? I felt myself pale at the idea. How embarrassing would that be? Ally seemed to shrug off whatever it was that was bugging her and continued about her business.

“I think it’s going to be a great day too Lauren.” She smiled as I got off my stool and she took it. We worked like clock-work these days, Camila’s recovery had only brought us closer and had done wonders not only for our relationships with Camila but with each other as well. There was a sort of sixth sense that we had now, almost as if we all had telepathy. I was glad it hadn’t progressed to that stage yet, that would be absolutely terrible. Just as I put my bowl and cutlery into the washing machine we heard rather loud footsteps clomping on the stairs, followed by two sets of booming laughter. I rolled my eyes as the other two strolled into the kitchen clutching their sides still trying to contain their laughter. Even though this was quite a typical entrance for the final two members of the band I couldn’t help but smile at them lovingly. It was always incredibly endearing for me to see two of my friends blossoming together.

_Jeez what a gay thing to think._ I rolled my eyes once more, reminding myself that I had a badass image to uphold and that if I went around thinking like that, it wouldn’t be long before I said something stupid and mushy. I refilled my coffee cup and sat down opposite Dinah, gazing out the French doors to the glowing garden. The sun was really turned up to 11 today.

“What’s up guys?” Camila smiled happily bounding towards the fridge.

“It’s a good day.” Ally remarked putting on some sort of strange voice. She sounded like she was trying to whisper but also ended up sounding strangled. Mind you Ally was never one for doing accents, so who knows what that was supposed to be.

“Was that supposed to be Lauren?” Camila laughed at the older girl. _Oh – nevermind._

My head snapped back around to see three of the four girls looking at me. Ally was the last to turn, her cheeks red with embarrassment and her smile shy.

“Lauren’s being weird.” Dinah spoke up and I was surprised to hear her speak so early.

“Hey, I am not!” I almost shot back looking between my four best friends. _They_ were the ones being weird. I didn’t get an answer, instead Normani came over and examined my face and dramatically checked my pulse and temperature.

“I don’t know what’s wrong…” She sighed sadly before returning to her food.

“Me neither dog.” Dinah croaked.

“But it’s like you got laid last night or something.”  I felt my heart stop and then quicken all at once. Were they taking the piss? Did they know what I did last night? If I wasn’t so shocked I probably would’ve broken out into a sweat right there and then.

“You’re being weird… I’m just having a good day.” I said and almost gave myself a pat on the back for not panicking as much as my brain had.

“There’s good days and then there’s _goood days.”_ Ally interjected. All of us looked at her in surprise.

“What?! I’m just saying… I know how to…”

“ALLY!” Camila was the first to crack, but we all giggled anyway and the conversation slipped easily away into a different topic.

Eventually the girls joined us on the couches and we discussed how excited we were for the day ahead. It was a band bonding day or “banding” day as Camila had dubbed it. We basically got to go from store to store with our glam team and pick up a bunch of new outfits. I was never usually one for excessive shopping, I would usually find things that I could mix and match well with my existing wardrobe, but it was fun with the girls. The glam team didn’t really need to be there much, usually only to put a restriction on how many bows and snap backs Camila and Dinah could get. I mean with the 5 of us there it was difficult for us to buy things that were outrageously bad, but sometimes it could take a lot of debating. We knew how it worked at this stage as well – we all had our own fashion niche and if something we picked up was ridiculously out of our media character then the glam team would step in. But that was only on rare occasions.

One thing was for sure though, today was going to be a really fun day. We hadn’t really done this since before the accident, because of course Camila’s recovery took precedence but seeing as we had a new album to promote and tour with, we needed new clothes too.

“I’m beyond excited, I could barely sleep last night!” I hummed in agreement as I we all got up from the coffee table. Ally had just ran to the bathroom and the four of us were cleaning up.

“Yeah I bet you couldn’t sleep.” Camila muttered, unfortunately I was pretty sure it was still loud enough for everyone to hear. I looked over at her and met her gaze. Her brown eyes were already fixed on mine and she had a small smirk playing on the corner of her mouth. I felt myself gulp under her stare. _She so knew._

“Yeah, could’ve been the heat either.” I said awkwardly turning away and putting the mugs into the dish washer emptying the swill of the coffee down the sink.

“So you’re were hot and excited last night? Is that what you’re saying?” I heard Normani scoff at the younger girls words and I couldn’t help but let my cheeks burn. I couldn’t for the life of me think of a comeback under this pressure, Dinah and Normani were watching as if we were a movie or something. All they were missing was the popcorn.

“I wish I had popcorn.” _Oh for fucks sake Dinah._

“Maybe I am. You should’ve been there…” I tried sounding nonchalant but I knew my red cheeks gave me away. Normani and Dinah were giving me thumbs up behind Camila’s back though, so that was good. Camila started walking towards me a naughty smile crawling up her face. _Ugh_ , when did _naughty_ become a Camila word?

“I definitely should have been there…” She smiled taking my hand in hers, before separating my first and second finger from the rest.

“’Cause I am way more talented than these.” She stated firmly, her voice low and sultry. She took both of them into her mouth and sucked them for a moment before letting my hand drop back to my side. She tasted her lips for a second before sighing.

“Shame.” She shrugged and walked out. I was dazed for a moment, frozen in the same spot, staring open-mouthedly at the place Camila had stood. It wasn’t until I heard Dinah and Normani that I looked up at the two of them.

They both looked absolutely horrified, Dinah’s hands covered her ears and her head was shaking. Normani was holding her hands either side of her cheeks a similar look spread across her face.

“Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.” They chanted as they all but ran up the stairs away from me, their faces still contorted in disgust.

Today was going to be, _interesting._

* * *

 

 

“Okay so I gotta be real.” The clothes rail in front of me moved and Dinah climbed through followed by Ally. I felt myself groan as the two of them squared up to me. They were a strange pair but they worked well, Dinah always had the best imagination and Ally just made it a lot easier for her to express what she was thinking. They were actually a lot closer than most people thought they were. Everyone thought we were grouped into two’s and three’s but really we each had our own unique relationship with each girl. There was no way any of us would be able to pick our favorite.

“As gross as that was earlier, you’re getting better.” Dinah said folding her arms, ignoring my exasperated looks.

“I’m so glad I missed it to be honest, but Dinah says you need help with flirting and I’m great at that.” The oldest giggled nudging me slightly. I suppressed a giggle before directing myself to the youngest.

“I can’t flirt, so you give me the nun.” I joked nodding towards Ally.

“Oh ha ha you’re so funny Lauren.” The older girls voice dripped with sarcasm.

“You really need new jokes.” I sighed and rolled my eyes.

“And by the way, Ally’s had a boyfriend the longest here so she’s obviously got serious game and when I was having problems with Siope she was the first one I went to and even when they weren’t exa – “

“Okay Dinah I get it!” I interrupted her quickly. She had a tendency to forget all her inhibitions when she was proving a point and usually went into _far_ toomuch detail.

“So what are you gonna give me some pointers?” I asked turning my attention once again to the shorter girl.

“No.” Ally smiled broadly at me.

“No? Then why? I mean… what?”

“Ally’s gonna be your scapegoat.”

I looked across to the older girl, who was smiling proudly at me. A glint of unusual cheekiness in her eyes. I felt my eyebrows furrow in confusion as the two of them exchanged a triumphant glance.

“Please explain.” I huffed not even trying to fathom a sane explanation for whatever ridiculous plan this was. Dinah almost jumped in excitement, her hands slapped together and she began rubbing them together as an almost evil grin spread across her features.

“Well…”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Lauren, what do you think of this?” Camila’s voice travelled from behind me, I could hear her smile in her voice. We had been shopping for hours now and I think there’s only so much she could take. She always got to the stage where she would try and pull out the most ridiculous thing she would never wear just to keep herself entertained. I turned around, smiling hugely out of reflex for this playful side of Camila but when I saw what she was holding my jaw dropped.

It had to have been the skimpiest and laciest pair of underwear I’d ever seen in my life. It was plain black, the front of the bottoms were practically see through and I was certain the back didn’t even have much material either. As soon as I realized what she was doing my throat began constricting and my eyes were doing their best to look everywhere but the brown whirlpools that were sucking me in. _Just look her in the eye and say nice, it’s no big deal._ My brain had the right idea but the rest of me just wasn’t keeping up. My eyes found Ally and she shook her head at me and gave me a casual shrug.

I turned my attention back to Camila, eying her up fearlessly. Well, my wish-wash attempt of fearlessly.

“Eh, they’re alright.” I shrugged just like Ally had done. I looked over at her to see her smiling broadly at me holding a thumb up in approval. I looked down at the rail in front of me trying to hide my own smirk. Maybe Allyson would be good at this.

“Just alright?” Camila sighed for a moment.

“Do you not think they’d look good on me at all Lo?” She husked as she moved closer to me. My eyes shot over her shoulder to Ally who was pointing at something she’d dropped on the ground and nodding vigorously.

My eyes shot back to Camila quickly and I smiled slowly my brain trying to desperately decode Ally’s charades.

“I think they’d look better on the floor.” I smiled smoothly and turned to walk away. I could have hugged Ally for that line but it was time to play it cool I could thank her later.

I wish I had stayed longer to see the look on Camila’s face but I didn’t manage to completely keep my cool. I could feel my cheeks burning and I’m pretty sure my legs were moving me away from the younger girl a lot faster than what was “cool”, but it was okay because at least I had said the right things. _God, I hope those were the right things to say._

I turned a corner and found myself crashing into a giggling Dinah and Normani.

“Hey that was awesome!” The older girl laughed at me pulling me into a hug. I felt a wave of relief wash over me at her words. The younger girl was bent over double still laughing, her phone in her hand.

“Laur _oh my god, I can’t breathe!”_ Dinah laughed breathlessly at me. She held her phone up to me and Normani grabbed it watching intently before cracking up herself.

“Look at her face!” She laughed passing the phone to me. I took the device quickly, too curious to be shocked at the two trouble-makers. The screen was fixed on Dinah’s vine app, her latest post playing over and over. The screen showed a very smiley Dinah and Normani in the foreground, they put on their best bimbo voice and looked at each other goofily telling everyone they were “Shopping!”. Then Dinah jumps and lets out a small ‘oh’ while looking behind her. That’s when I notice that they’re in the perfect vantage point, Camila and I were in the top right hand corner of the screen. The image skipped and it was zoomed in on us this time. Camila was holding the sexy lingerie up and I had just said something. I turned on my heel a smug smile on my face, while Camila’s mouth dropped behind me before curling into a shocked smile. The vine restarted again and I watched about three or four times before I joined in with the girls laughter. Mine was more of joy than amusement though.

“It worked!” I laughed towards the other two.

 

* * *

 

 

I was sat in the back with Ally on the way home Dinah and Normani were in front of us while Camila rode shotgun.

“Hey, thanks for earlier. I guess I kinda under-estimated you.” I smiled at the older girl.

“No prob girl, you rocked it anyway. That turn and strut was so good!” She laughed quietly to herself.

“I do not strut!” I gasped. Dinah and Normani shot around at my words, both with matching skeptical looks.

“You don’t know how to walk normally you strut so much!” Dinah laughed at her friends comment.

“Yeah you’re a little strut aren’t you?” Dinah laughed at me and the other two burst out at her comment, big brash laughs. Camila turned around from the front her eyes finding me fast.

“I don’t strut do I Camila?” I called up to her questioning glance.

She quirked an eyebrow of her own.

“Do you really think you don’t?” She laughed before continuing.

“Think of it this way – can you walk without your ass jiggling?” I frowned for a second before everyone started laughing again. This time I joined in, maybe it was because I didn’t really understand what she meant or maybe it was because she said ass jiggling but I laughed really hard. Like a belly laugh where my cheeks where getting sore from smiling so much. Only Camz had that effect on me. I didn’t really know why I was laughing but I couldn’t stop because I was so happy.

Once everyone had stopped laughing, we were practically home. The days shopping haul was organized into show and interview wardrobes and we all scattered into the kitchen.

“I wanna make dinner, Laur will you help?” Camila smiled grabbing my hand and pulling me behind the counter with her. She opened the fridge, humming and hawing occasionally picking up a prospective ingredients.

“Enchiladas?”  

“Uh, yeah sure.” I smiled chucking my bag towards my door. Her whole demeanor had changed from earlier, she was bouncy and smiley rather than smooth and sexy. It was crazy to see just how different she could be. That was a rare thing wasn’t it? Being able to be really seductive and charming and cute and silly all in one person? I smiled again as she flew around the kitchen accumulating a pile of ingredients… Some of which we didn’t even need.

“We’re not putting Nutella in Enchiladas Camila.” I laughed picking the jar up and turning back to the cupboard. She turned quickly putting a combination of spices into my hand, she smiled and turned me back around.

“No, we’re not, that’s for now. I get hungry when I cook.” I put the jar and the spices back onto the counter laughing even more now. Of course she has to eat while she’s cooking.

“You’re really that impatient?”

“It’s my only flaw.” She winked at me, handing me things from the fridge.

“So what can I do?” I looked around at the mess the younger girl had managed to make already.

“Stand here and look pretty?” I asked innocently. _See Lauren, it’s not so hard to flirt._

“As good as that sounds I actually do need your help.”

“Yes Boss!” I mock saluted her. She laughed and started organizing her pile of food.

“Do you mean Bo- double dollar sign?” She winked laughing at her own joke. Which was probably the lamest one she’d come out with in a while.

“No, no I don’t.” I dead panned. She rolled her eyes and started throwing things at me.

“We’re gonna have to do two sauces because you know what…” She nodded towards Normani and Dinah who were sat at the coffee table with the French doors wide open.

“Is like about spicy food…” I laughed and looked down at my hands, reading the spices she had given me: Cajun, Paprika, Chili extract, Chili Cayenne. I looked back up to find brown eyes trained on me. The younger girl raised an eyebrow and wet her lips quickly.

“I want it to be really hot…”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can get in the sauce.” Another eye roll from the latina.

“Har-Har.”

Dinner was the best idea ever. Camila and I had so much fun, we worked around the kitchen together as if it were a choreographed dance and it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. The food was really great too. We were all on such a high after a great day, I was pretty sure I was the only one who noticed when Camila received a text and excused herself from the table rather hastily. The others were laughing at some pictures they had taken in the store. Dinah always had a competition with us to find the worst outfit she could.

“I’m just gonna go check on Camila…” I said more so to myself, I’m sure they wouldn’t have noticed if I had just left.

“Yeah sure you are..” The youngest glanced up sending me a wink.

I ignored her and headed in the direction Camila had and to my surprise found her pacing back and forth on the driveway. She was now on the phone, presumably to whoever had text her. I walked over to her quietly not wanting to interrupt.

“I don’t care mom, just tell me what happened?” Sounding frustrated she stopped pacing and listened to what her mom had to say. I walked over to her as quietly as I could. The younger girls hand suddenly flew to her mouth her teeth latching on to her longest nail, which really wasn’t that long at all. 

I watched as she nodded, her jaw tightening as her mom spoke. Once I reached her I slowly took her hand from her mouth. I held it tight and squeezed it my eyes not leaving hers. I tried to keep her calm even though my heart was racing a thousand miles and hour, trying to beat itself out of my chest.

“Okay. I’m coming home.” Camila said confidently, her face not changing at all. I heard the static mumble of her mother on the other side.

“No Mom, listen. I’m coming home and that’s it.” She nodded punctuating her sentence.

“I’ll grab the next flight and text you when I land okay?” I watched as the brown eyed girls features started to crack. The more words she said, the less she could keep her straight face. The worry was peeking through, her eyebrows arching in the middle, her breath quickening. A small quiver on her lip, her voice breaking just the tiniest bit as she said goodbye to her Mom.

I waited a moment until she had composed herself, her chest no longer heaving. I finally spoke up the only words I found suitable.

“I know a really nice taxi driver, he’ll get us there quick too. Let me just get my phone.” I smiled and she almost let out a laugh. A sad one, she teared up again and I almost thought I had done something wrong.

“Thank you.” She managed and with that I ran inside and grabbed my bag from the kitchen floor. The other girls looking at me in shock as I raced back out again. I may have yelled a “back in a minute” at them which I would definitely have to amend for later.

I got on the phone and rang Steve the taxi driver, we had been in contact since our last meeting. He refused to let me pay for re-carpeting his cab since he found the fifty I left him. So I had vowed to never use another Cab while I was in LA. He got us to the airport in no time and because of our stature it was easy enough to book the next flight to Miami. Camila was quiet the entire time and I was so worried. Not only was it weird for Camila to be quiet but the fact that she hadn’t told me what had happened and to who was really worrisome. Camila’s family were my family and if anything was to happen to them I’d be almost as devastated as the younger girl would.

We were on the plane before I got up the nerves to ask her. She was staring out the window, her chin resting on her hand.

“So who’s birthday did you forget?” I tried to joke to lighten the mood. It was probably one of the worst things I did because people would get mad at me and I’m make a stupid joke and make them madder and perhaps this was one of those moments where it was the least tactful thing I could have said. But Camila laughed anyway.

“Me forget a birthday? Never.” She turned smiling sadly towards me. She sighed deeply before turning back to the window.

“Do you remember what I said in the hospital?” She asked somberly.

“You said a lot of things at the hospital.” I replied a lot more seriously now. She nodded slowly. I put my hand on hers lacing our fingers together. She didn’t look away from the window but I knew she appreciated the gesture. I turned to the seat in front of me but it wasn’t long til Camila spoke again.

“Dad broke his leg. Mom thinks he’s okay but…” She couldn’t finish her sentence. She just sighed again shaking her head.

I racked my brain trying to remember whatever she had said to me in the hospital but my brain had to sift through days and days of hours and hours of talking. It was too much thinking for me and I eventually fell asleep hoping maybe it would come to me prolifically in my dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long this chapter was such an arsehole to write. Also, I'm sorry to bear bad news but I'm on holiday the next two weeks so there won't be an update... I'm a poohead I know, but I love you all for staying with me and this story so cheers guys, ily xx


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I could lie and Camila would know and she’d be mad, I could tell the truth and cut to the chase. It’s what she wanted to hear anyway, but how could I follow that up without breaking her heart?"

_“Do you ever look at the sky and not even see the moon ‘cause there’s something else. Like a shooting star and you just think that star’s so beautiful. And everyone else says you should see the moon but you can’t take your eyes off the shooting star?” The brunette beside me rambled, she did that a lot recently. It was a lot of metaphors and double meanings. She wanted to tell me something and I was content to act oblivious. Ignorance was bliss after all and if I didn’t deal with what she was trying to say, then I wouldn’t have to deal with what I was feeling. Good logic right? Wrong. She knew something was up and even if she hadn’t these feelings weren’t going away anytime soon._

_It was a ridiculous overwhelming need to throw myself in front of a truck every time I saw her. Every time she spoke I wanted to jump off a bridge and if she touched me, god, I wanted to light my skin on fire and burn off every part of me she ever touched until I was a desolate pile of ash._

_“I like the moon, I guess.” I shrugged, laying down beside her. A couple of nights ago I had found her up here on our hotel roof. We had all had a bit of a mental week but Camila seemed to have the worst of it. Usually I’d have one guess at who that was about, especially on this tour. But we had a girls day. It was our last week of the Austin Mahone tour (thank god) and one of the few times that we got to stay in a hotel._

_We were all out for dinner when I noticed Camila shaking her head at Dinah across the table. They had this thing where they could have conversations without saying anything. I watched out of the corner of my eye as Dinah tilted her own head. Camila shrugged in return their mouths still not moving. I thought I saw Dinah glance at me but averted my gaze, trying to pretend I was listening to Papa H and Normani’s in-depth conversation which was basically Tex-Mex vs Mexican. Camila excused herself shortly afterwards and there was a small buzz from Dinah’s phone that followed. I watched as she read it, her face softening and sighing._

_“I knew you’d be up here.” I said still looking at the night sky._

_“You know a lot of things about me.”_

_“Yeah I do. Are you alright? At dinner you were… well you weren’t alright.” I felt Camila turn and I mirrored her. She stared for a moment, her mouth opening slowly before shutting again. She stayed silent a moment longer._

_“You know more about me than you let on.” She said simply. Her gazed dipped to my lips and she turned back to the night sky. I was stunned for a moment. Unsure of what to say._

_“Do you think Austin is a shooting star?” She asked and I turned to look up aswell._

_“You know what I think of Austin.” I scoffed._

_Camila reached for my hand, I let her take it. Intertwining our fingers together was better than any conversation we could have about Austin Mahone. This time I was the one to break the silence._

_“Why do you like him?”_

_“Why do you care?” That made me shift uncomfortably and I couldn’t find an answer fast enough._

_“He’s the moon, you see. I can see the moon, it’s big and it’s bright and almost the centrepiece of the entire night sky, but there’s this stupid star. This **stupid** beautiful shooting star.” She sounded annoyed, frustrated and I definitely knew what she meant. _

_I took out my phone and sent Normani a quick message._

**Do you mind bunking with DJ tonight? Think Camz and I need a night x**

_The reply was almost instant._

**Already here! Go for it x**

_I turned to look at the brunette beside me. She hadn’t moved but her eyes were teary. I sighed and returned to my position. It was a clear night and we could see most of the stars._

_“You know that thing about the stars…” Great start Lauren._

_“That, you know, some of them don’t exist anymore but we don’t know that because they’re so far away?” I heard a small hum of acknowledgement and took that as a sign to continue._

_“Well, what if your shooting star is like that.”_

_“You’re not dead Lauren.” Camila said plainly. I felt my breath hitch at my name. It was the first time either of us had acknowledged it was me she was talking about._

_“I can’t stop this. I tried, I mean I really tried but I just…” There it was again that unmistakable feeling of needing to fling myself off a bridge. Maybe the top of this building would do?_

_“I – I just – I…” Oh god, Camila no don’t say it please. She stopped herself, catching her breath and composing herself._

_“Why did you leave Luis?” That caught me off guard._

_“What?”_

_“Why – “ She was still nervous, her mouth was stumbling over her words._

_“Why did you leave Luis?” She tried again with more conviction this time. She waited a few seconds before her head turned to me, I could feel her eyes boring into mine but I couldn’t bear to meet her gaze. I searched the stars as if I was searching for an answer._

_“It wasn’t working, you know that. The distance was too much and we were living separate lives and well, he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth breaking my sleeping schedule for skype dates and texting during rehearsals and meetings. It was too much hard work and too much trouble.” I said honestly, surprising myself. It was easy when we were at home but touring with the girls made it tough to have any sort of relationship and I guess when it came down to it, Luis wasn’t worth it at all._

_I saw Camila nod in my peripheral. She stayed facing my shoulder before talking again._

_“Was that it?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Was that the only reason you left him?”_

_I took a deep breath and held it, considering my options. I could lie and Camila would know and she’d be mad, I could tell the truth and cut to the chase. It’s what she wanted to hear anyway, but how could I follow that up without breaking her heart? I let out my breath slowly and evenly. Option three it was._

_“I don’t want to answer that.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I don’t want to.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because it’s not appropriate.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because you’re my best friend.”_

_“If I’m your best friend, why can’t you just tell me?”_

_“That’s exactly why I can’t tell you Camila.”_

_“But why?”_

_“Stop being such a child.”_

_“Why should I? You’re being a child not telling me.”_

_“I am not.”_

_“You are!”_

_“Camila, you are the only one being childish here.”_

_“Lauren, you’re being childish.”_

_“You’re repeating what I’m saying.”_

_“And what you’re saying is childish.”_

_“Camila, come on you know why I can’t say it.”_

_“Actually no Lauren, I don’t. That’s why I’m asking you now.”_

_I took my hand from hers and folded my arms across my chest, she was annoying me beyond belief but there was a part of me that was loving every second of it and that made me even more annoyed._

_“I’m gonna ask again, why did you break up with Luis?” I felt my eyes roll automatically .I could tell she wasn’t in the humor for giving up._

_“You know why Camila.”_

_“I don’t, that’s why I’m asking.”_

_“Camila, for gods sake.”_

_“Just answer the question, I don’t see what the big deal is…”_

_“It isn’t a big deal you’re just making it out to be one!”_

_“Then just tell me why!”_

_“No!”_

_“WHY?!” I couldn’t take it anymore, I don’t know whether it was my frustration at Camila or the heat of the argument or the fact that I had been trying to kid myself this entire tour, maybe even longer but I couldn’t hold it in._

_I flung myself at Camila, my arms unfolding and holding me above her in one swift motion. My mouth was on hers and my eyes were shut tight, my tongue danced across her lower lip demanding entrance and she obliged just as quickly. Soon our tongues were intertwined and our bodies pressed into each other, I was watching stars being born behind my eyelids and I could feel every inch of my skin with intense clarity. Nothing felt quite like kissing Camila Cabello, absolutely nothing._

_I lost myself for too long, our bodies moving together in perfect harmony. Things were getting heated her hand had pulled so many knots into my hair and I had moved my lips to her neck, I bit down and Camila let out a moan. It was the most sensual thing I had ever heard in my life and I wanted nothing more than to hear it again, but it was what snapped me from my trance._

_I jumped up from the balcony floor, Camila’s nails scraping my back as I left. I managed to get to the balcony’s wall before needing to grasp onto something to keep me upright. I wasn’t too sure if it was the kiss or the getting up so fast that made me dizzy, whatever it was, it made it hard to see._

_I frowned out at the view below me, it only took a moment before Camila joined my side. Her hand spread across the top of the wall holding her up._

_“That’s why.” I said softly, my eyes filling with tears. That was the first time I had admitted anything to her._

_“Why couldn’t you tell me?” She asked, her hand moving on top of mine._

_“Isn’t it obvious I feel the same?” I turned to the shorter girl and examined her eyes. They were full of compassion and her pupils were still wide from our kiss._

_“I don’t know what I feel Camila. All I know is, I want to kiss you again and again and again. I want to do other things to you too, but I don’t want the girls to look at me differently I don’t want the fans to make a big deal about it, I don’t want the fans to fucking say anything about it because it’s not their business and I don’t want to give the people who don’t like us another thing to talk about. I don’t want my mother to disown me, I don’t want my dad to pretend he’s proud of me no matter what. I don’t want my brother to be weird about bringing girlfriends home and I don’t want Taylor to have to answer stupid questions at school, I want to be able to have sleepovers with Alexa where we stay in the same bed and my mother or her mother not to make a big fucking deal about it. I want to be normal, I don’t want to want to kiss you. I don’t want to be your first kiss and your first love and the first person you sleep with. I just… I don’t know.” I stopped for a moment, letting myself breathe._

_“Camila. I don’t know what I want but I know I don’t want to hurt you.”_

_The doe eyed girl nodded, taking in everything I had just said. It was a lot and I understood that. I was afraid that even with saying what I just had I had hurt her already._

_We stood there for a while, the younger girl playing with my fingers. The cool night breeze and the distant city buzz preventing the silence from gaping between us. I watched Camila’s fingers dance around my hand, as if they need to touch every crease and imperfection. She moved to my wrist and then my arm. She took a step closer as her hand moved onto my neck. Her movements were slow and precise, her eyes fixed on what she was doing. It made me wonder if she was writing songs on my skin that I’d never hear._

_“I want to kiss you.”_

_Her voice was almost a whisper, her eyes were still fixed on her fingers and her fingers were tracing my jawline._

_“All the time.” Her fingers moved to my lips and she traced them gently_

_“Every time you talk, every time you sing, when you laugh, when you’re eating, even when you’re complaining…“_

_She stepped closer to me, leaning her body against mine._

_“I want to kiss you when you laugh and when you cry and when you’re in one of those moods where you can’t talk at all.” She moved her hand to my cheek and her doe brown eyes locked onto mine._

_“I want to kiss you all over and forget about everyone. I don’t want to care about what anyone else cause why should I? I just want to kiss you again.” She stated simply and in that moment it was as if she had just given me the solution. Just kiss her. Just kiss her._

_I couldn’t move, I was pinned against the wall. Camila seemed to know what she was doing though. The younger girl leaned in and pressed our lips together. She started gently, maybe testing the waters to see how I’d react. Honestly, I was just in so much shock at how much control Camila was taking. Her lips caressed mine gently, fitting perfectly together. Her touch was soft and sensual but she was definitely in control and I could do nothing but melt against her._

_She pulled away slowly, but kept herself pressed against me. Her eyes bore into mine, trying to read them desperately._

_“Kissing you makes everything easier. I don’t know what it is Lauren but you just make being me, easier.”_

* * *

 

 

“Lauren? Lauren, wake up we’re just about to land.”

Camila’s voice was gruff as if she had only woken up herself, but still gentle. I could tell her mood hadn’t improved and she was still worried about her dad. I nodded and opened my eyes slowly, the brunette was already out of her seat holding my bag for me. I had almost forgotten how serious a trip this was. I got up and followed her immediately and it didn’t take long until we had our hoods up and were dodging through the airport crowds. I had expected Sinuhe or someone to be at the door waiting for us, but there was nobody. It felt weird but also made me think maybe I was getting too used to having a driver and people like Big Rob around. I kept my head down and followed Camila, whose nose was stuck in her phone. She was obviously on autopilot and I smiled when we arrived at the bus stop. There was no way we could possibly get a bus and not be spotted, but Camila obviously wasn’t thinking straight. Her fingers were typing rapidly and she hadn’t spoken a word since the plane.

I pulled out my own phone and dialed Chris’s number.

“Hey man, could you do me a favor? Me and Camz are at the airport and we need a ride to St.Jude’s?”

“Lauren?” A girl asked in surprise. Her voice was unexpected but familiar.

“Lex? Sorry I was supposed to dial Chris’s number… You’re not free are you?” I asked hopefully glad it was only my best friend I had miss-dialed and not someone from PR… They’d kill me.

“Oh this is Chris’s phone, but we’re in up in Uni? Maybe try Tay or Vero?”

“Uh yeah sorry Lex I’m not thinking straight right now.. I’ll catch up with you later!” I hung up and pressed my little sister’s name, carefully this time.

“Hey is this Taylor?”

“Have you forgotten how to use your phone or something?” Taylor answered immediately, she was getting awfully sarcastic lately.

“Very funny I’m just checking. Is there any chance you can pick me up?”

“Ohmygod Laur you’re home?!” The youngest Jauregui was so excitable.

“Yeah but I’m with Camz her dads in hospital, we need a ride is that alright?”

“Oh yeah Dad said he broke his leg at work or something. I’m on my way okay?”  

“Thanks Tay.” I hung up and turned to face Camila. Her lips were pursed and her eyes shut tight, she was obviously concentrating on her breathing. I hadn’t seen her this worked up since before the accident I almost forgot what to do. I stepped forward so I was in reaching distance.

“Hey. Tay’s gonna pick us up okay? We’ll be there soon.” The shorter girls’ eyes opened and looked at me carefully. She closed the gap and allowed me to wrap my arms around her like I used to.

“I don’t remember you being here.” She whispered into my chest.

“I can’t remember… I can’t remember.” She shook her head and burrowed deeper into my embrace.

We stayed like that until Taylor came to pick us up. It was a strange few minutes. It felt like old us, there was this unbearable tension that neither of us could address. We worked like a married couple but there was this awkwardness where we knew that maybe we were never meant to be a married couple, that right now we were friends and we just had to deal with that. But there was nothing that could deny the way we moved together. We were so in sync it was almost impossible to tell who was who.

I made sure I took driving duties off Tay, we had been away for a while and I wasn’t even too sure how her driving skills were. I knew in my gut that I would find the quickest way possible to Camila’s dad. Not that Taylor wouldn’t, it was just that if I didn’t do everything in my power I knew I’d regret it. I had to do everything I possibly could for Camila, I always had done and it wasn’t going to stop now.

The younger brunette didn’t say anything for the whole trip. Every time I looked in the mirror she was either staring out her window or her head was facing downward, her eyes fixed on the floor. As much as I wanted to think she was thinking about how wonderful her shoes were I knew she was thinking about the situation at hand, and the words she had spoken to me earlier hadn’t left me either. “I don’t remember you being here.” That was obviously directed at me. She was also obviously back in her future self where this situation had happened before, but now her variables had changed, I was here. Where I wasn’t before and now she was confused, it wasn’t how she ‘remembered’. What If everything turned out to be different to what she remembered though?

“We’re here.” No answer again, just a rush to the door handle and a manic walk towards the entrance of the hospital. I turned around and tossed the keys to my younger sister who wasn’t far behind me and caught up with my bandmate.

“You worried?” No answer.

“Do you remember this?” The doe eyed girl turned to look at me this time, but still no answer.

“Maybe this will be different.” The shorter girl blinked and tears rolled down her cheeks.

“You know I’m here for you. No matter what we’re going through.” That was the only thing that managed to escape my mouth before we got into business. Camila didn’t answer she didn’t blink. Her brow was concentrated in a frown and her gaze didn’t lift from the floor. She managed to nod her head a few times but apart from that I was her interpreter and I managed to get us past the nurses. Sinuhe and Sophie finally found us and brought us into the room with no trouble from the staff whatsoever. The oldest Cabello lady was surprised to see me but the youngest was not. Sophie never seemed surprised to see me actually.

I was nothing more than an observer after that, I learned that Alejandro had fallen off a ladder at work and broken his leg in three places and put a lot of strain on one of his ligaments because her had walked on it afterwards, but everything was fixable. He had physio once a week (which Camila upped to twice a week) and a check up on his bones and the stress on his ligaments next month. But no matter what precautions the doctors and nurses took, Camila was still uneasy. Being with her family was definitely making her feel better though. We had all returned to a normal conversation that was away from the accident and Alejandro’s leg. Sophie was making everyone laugh and Camila’s complexion had brightened immensely. I think maybe she had needed some time with her family.

My phone began to ring and I excused myself from the room.

“So where are you guys? Because back in a minute was like 4 hours ago and we checked you’re not upstairs doing the do because you never came back but nobody’s seen you I mean like we checked your mentions and nobody said anything so we just wanted to make sure you’re like, alive and stuff. We tried to ring Mila but her phone’s just ringing out and it freaked us out so please tell me you’re not a kidnapper or something?” Normani always jumped to the worst conclusions.

“I’m not a kidnapper and we’re alive but I have a feeling you might not want us to be...”

“Oh god Lauren what did you do?” Dinah chimed in and I realized I must be on speaker phone.

“Camz and I are at home.” I braced myself for the inevitable.

“No you’re no we checked…”

“Aw you call each other home? That’s so…”

“YOU’RE WHERE?!” All three voices came at once and it was hard to differentiate who’s was who’s, but I had an idea who the last one belonged to.

“Okay let me explain, I know it sounds bad but nobody knows we’re here. I mean you guys didn’t and I’m sure we can get the earliest flight out of here tomorrow morning it’s just Camila’s dad is in hospital and she was just so upset I couldn’t let her come on her own. ‘Cause you know she would have!” That seemed to calm the voices down, I could almost hear a synchronized gasp when I mentioned the hospital.

“Is Alejandro okay?” Dinah Jane the voice of reason in a crisis these days. I think it was because her brain moved so fast anyway that she was able to keep up.

“He’s fine, he just broke his leg, but Camila seems so weary. I think it’s gonna be hard to get her home for press tomorrow.”

“It’s okay, we’ll cover say you’re both sick. Don’t get caught and we’ll keep it on the down-low from management as well. Get home

soon chica.”

“Thanks DJ.”

“A little heads-up wouldn’t go amiss next time Lauren.”

“Sorry Al, hopefully there won’t be a next time.” The girls, chimed their goodbyes and told me to send their well wishes onto the Cabellos’. I hung up the phone and headed back into my second family, knowing it would be a long night from how Camila was in the car. I wondered if I’d sleep at all and if I’d be able to convince Camila to head back to L.A. before her dad was allowed to leave the hospital.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I ignored her spluttering and dipped her like a dancer. Without any hesitancy I pressed my lips to hers and gave a little pressure._
> 
> Happy Christmas!   
> (I know, I'm sorry)

It wasn’t as bad as I had thought to be honest. There was a small couch in Alejandro’s room that I managed to get a couple of hours on. I wasn’t too sure about Camila though. I was sure at some point during the night I woke up with her curled into me, but maybe that was a dream.

I was awoken properly when the nurses came in to check on Alejandro. The sun was bright and the room was so much bigger than it had seemed last night. How many people get their own room for a broken leg? I smiled to myself knowing that everything Camila earned went to her family. She made sure they were looked after, what kid thinks of health insurance though? I smiled to myself and sat up on the couch noticing that Camila wasn’t in the room, but on the table there was a bottle of water and a banana with a small note.

**_Sorry if I woke you when I got up, just needed some fresh air x_ **

I said a quick good morning to Camila’s dad and left him and the nurse in the room. I headed for the front door first but then thought against it. If anyone knew we were here management would ring our necks. So maybe a back door would be a better idea.

 After wandering around the hospital hopelessly for about twenty minutes, I heard a very familiar giggle. But it wasn’t coming from outside. I followed my ears and stopped at the doorway, watching quietly. I felt my heart warm and I was sure everyone could hear it thumping, but no one was looking at me. There was a room full of kids, about 6-10 years old, some with drips attached to them, some with scarves on their heads. Most were on the floor gathered around listening to my bandmate tell a story, but there was one left in a bed, who had obviously been pulled forward by Camila, she was breathing through an oxygen mask but you could still see the bright smile on her face.

The young singer had managed to find a white board and was trying to illustrate her story on it. With the help of the kids, of course.

“She’s so good with them.” I turned in surprise to see a nurse stood beside me watching too.

“She’s been in there two hours. She told me she couldn’t sleep and I told her my son couldn’t either and she asked could she meet him. She hasn’t left since.”

“She’s pretty amazing.” I smiled looking towards my best friend and as if on cue the room erupted with laughter.

“Maybe when you guys have retired from the whole singing thing, you could do this.” I looked at the woman, her hair was greasy and tied back, her eyes were tired and sad.

“It makes their last few weeks easier if they’re happy and have something to distract them.” I felt the smile drop from my face and my stomach plummeted. I looked at the sign on the door, **Palatal Ward – Age 5 – 10.**

My eyes started to well as I looked back at the nurse beside me. She had dedicated her life to helping and saving people and here she was with her son in palatal care, knowing he’s going to die and she has to work 12 hour shifts while she’s going through all that? What a horribly heartless world we live in, it made my blood boil with anger and my body weaken with sadness.

The woman beside me didn’t seem to think so though, her eyes had refocused on the room in front of us **,** where Camila was holding a young boy up to draw on the board for her.

“That’s my son Phil, look how happy he is.” She smiled fondly at the two and when I looked over I couldn’t help but let my feeling’s dissipate either. Every single one of the kids had a huge smile on their face and it was all because of Camila.

“You should get in there too. Imagine how excited they’d be when two fifths of the world’s biggest girl band came to visit them.” She gave my shoulder a squeeze and headed off.

I took her advice and snuck in. All the kids were so fixated on Camila and her story that nobody noticed me at all. I headed to the back and sat on the bed of the girl with the oxygen. Her smile broadened when she saw me and she grabbed my hand immediately. So I lay beside her and listened as Camila continued.

“Okay so we now have a silly, goofy, forgetful, clumsy, pretty, princess. What do you think we should call her?”

“CAMILA!!” The kids chorused at the same time and I couldn’t help but giggle as the brunette puffed out her lower lip and put her hands on her hips.

“Heeeey! You guys set me up!” I looked around at her little crowd and watched as kids smacked their hands to their faces trying to hide their laughter, a few of them hunching over trying not to laugh too hard. The singer sighed dramatically and turned back to her board.

“Fine! You guys win!” She said as she wrote Camila on the board above a stick figure of what I presumed was a princess. I wasn’t too sure if it was Camila or one of the kids who had drawn it.

“And what happens to princess Camila?”

“Oooh oh oh I know I know!” Camila smiled as she turned around to one of the girls in the front.

“Go on then Steph!”

“Okay so you’re eating a nabana, and you drop it and try to pick it up but you fall in a well but the fells actually a tunnel to the moon and you get abucted by aliens and and then the aliens make you sing all the time and you loose your voice so you can even call for help and and…” The little girl put her finger on her chin and looked around for a moment.

“Okay that’s all I have!” She smiled and shrugged at Camila.

“Hmm okay I’ll put that over here okay?” She smiled at the little girl and drew a box in the corner of the board, where she drew half a moon, a circle and a scary face.

“Anybody else got some good ideas?”

“Hey Camila?” A little boy had stood up on the edge of the group and sat on a chair, which he was swinging his legs off at a frantic pace.

“Weren’t you in hospital for a while?”

“Yes I was! But I didn’t have a cool room like this with toys and I didn’t have any friends in my room either.” There were a few ‘aws’ from her audience and a couple of kids shared a hug. I had known Camila was good with Sophie, but watching her with this many kids was incredible.

“Why were you in hospital?”

“I was in a plane crash.”

“Did it hurt?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Why?” Camila smiled at the question.

“I don’t know, I guess the crash made me forget.”

A hand shot up from the front row and I recognized it to be the nurses son.

“Yes Phil?” Camila smiled bending down towards him.

The room went quiet to let him talk and I soon realized why. His voice was croaky and unsure.

“How about…” he took a deep breath.

“We use that…” And another.

“As our story?” He finished and coughed a little waiting on Camila’s reply.

“I like that idea Phil, what do you think guys?” There was a chorus of yeah’s and a lot of nodding heads.

“What about you Stephanie, do you have anything to add?” She asked the little girl who had come up with the first idea.

“Can we make the plane a dragon?” She directed her question at Phil who nodded excitedly.

“Okay so, Princess Camila is on her way to…?”

“A FARM!”

“A PARTY!”

“BUY A NABANA!”

Camila laughed but wrote up what was shouted up at her.

“On her way to a party, at a farm, where there was lots of banana’s? But along the way…”

“SHE FOUND AN EGG!”

“She found an egg?” Camila asked the girl who I now recognized as Stephanie.

“Yeah a baby dragon egg and the mommy dragon thinks you’re trying to steal it so she kidnaps you!”

“Oh I like that! What does everyone think?” Another chiming of yes-es.

“But then while Princess Camila is on the dragon…”

“She falls off cause she’s clumsy!!” Another kid shouts up and giggles. Camila gives them the pretend evils and writes it up on the board.

“Okay and where does she fall?” The brunette asks looking around at the kids.

“QUICK SAND!”

“YEAH! QUICK SAND!”

“Okay quick sand it is!” Camila laughed.

“So tell me guys does Princess Camila have a hero to save her?” The kid swinging his legs put his hand up again and Camila turned to him.

“Did you have a hero when you were in hospital?”

“Yeah I guess a little bit?”

“A little hero!”

“Okay no, they were a big hero for me.”

“But what size?” A young red head asked and Camila laughed.

“My size!”

“Well then you need a hero.”

I smiled as I watched the exchange. Camila was just a taller version of these kids and it was obvious she was having just as much fun as they were. Maybe she could have a career in this afterwards. I started to imagine Camila as a music teacher in a pre-school, maybe drama as well because she’s always had a talent for making the most ridiculous faces. My mind began to wander and it wasn’t til I heard my name that I refocused on what was in front of me.

“Lauren?”

“Yeah Lauren!” The kids were still addressing Camila but it didn’t take long for the young girl who’s bed I was sat on to raise her hand and nod excitedly causing the young brunette to look my way.

“Lauren?!”

“Yeah that’s what I said!!” One scarf headed kid, rolled his eyes impatiently, but for once Camila ignored the kids, her eyes focused on me.

“How long have you been there?” She asked quickly obviously quite embarrassed.

“Since you slipped on a banana and fell to the moon.” I shrugged with a sly smug on my face and with the sound of my voice, the whole room of kids whipped their heads around. There was laughter and a few squeals of delight and once everyone had gotten a hug and said hello, normality resumed. These must have been the best behaved children I had ever met in my life.

“This is perfect, you can be princess Camila’s hero now!” The young boy on the chair smiled toothily at me, his legs still swinging emphatically.

“Okay well who wants to be the dragon? I’ll fight ya!!” Up shot several hands and Camila organized them into parts of a dragon. She always knew how to involve everyone.

After a few tickles and a lot of laughter, the faux dragon finally told me that princess Camila had fallen into some quick sand.

“Typical…” I rolled my eyes.

“Well I guess she’s doomed!” I began to walk towards the door dramatically flipping my hair and soon there was a chiming of No’s coming from behind me.

“You HAVE to save her you’re the hero!”

“You wouldn’t let Camila die would you!?”

I gasped in horror.

“No of course not!” I ran back towards the kids and jumped onto a bed. Camila was on the other side waving her hands frantically.

“Help! Please help I’m sinking!” I quickly whipped a pillow case off the closest pillow and tied it with a band around my neck. I stood in the typical superhero position and smiled at the kids as they cheered.

“Don’t worry Princess! I’ll save you!” I grabbed her arms and after a long struggle pulled her onto the bed too and the kids roared in delight. We smiled at each other broadly and bowed together at the round of applause.

“You’ve got to kiss the princess if you’re her hero!!” One kid yelled up towards us. I couldn’t help but giggle at that.

“Oh no really saving me was quite...” Camila began stuttering awkwardly and I wasn’t sure if it was towards me or the kids. I ignored her spluttering and dipped her like a dancer. Without any hesitancy I pressed my lips to hers and gave a little pressure. I exaggerated our kissy sound and we received another round of applause and cheers from the kids.

When I lifted Camila back up she seemed so stunned but I continued to play to the crowd, bowing and shaking our entwined hands high.

The room suddenly went quite as all the kids looked towards the door.

“Mom!”

“Hey little guy! How you doing? Hey everybody!” There was a mumble of hi’s and some waves at the nurse who I had met earlier.

“I’m afraid you’re gonna have to thank Camila and Lauren for their wonderful show but they have to leave now!” The kids awed in disappointment, but were quick to thank us. We said we’d try and come back again and quickly followed the nurse. As soon as we were out of earshot Camila was the first to speak.

“What happened?!” The nurse turned on her heel and faced us. She looked worried.

“Your father suffered a heart-attack. He’s currently in surgery.”

“What how?!” I heard the panic in Camila’s voice and knew this was exactly the sort of terrible thing she was dreading would happen.

“When he broke his leg, he formed a blood clot in his leg where the bone ruptured the vein. Which wasn’t too bad because his blood pressure was normal all day yesterday. But the clot moved to his heart over night and was building up and building up, stressing out his heart and causing cardiac arrest. But this actually isn’t uncommon in folks your fathers age and because we had him on watch he has a much better chance of making it out of there.”

Even though her words were reassuring there was something I didn’t quite trust in her eyes. She seemed much sadder than hopeful.

“Where is he?”

“He’s in an operation room. If you go back to the reception a nurse can…” She didn’t get to finish cause Camila had rocketed off in the direction of the reception. First power walking and then building herself up to a run. Once she had sped round a corner I turned to the nurse who blew out heavily.

“How bad is it?” I asked softly knowing she wasn’t being completely truthful.

“Pretty bad. It was a big one. He was gone for a while before the nurses got to him and they had to defib him straight away. They’re not sure if they’ll be able to get his heart beating by itself and if it does if he’ll wake up, or if he’ll be brain damaged. They’re not sure how long his brain was without oxygen.”

She looked down at her shoes, her eyebrows furrowing together.

“I’m sorry I should have told Camila that too. But after seeing how good she was with those kids I didn’t want to give her bad news, I don’t want her father to die.”

I took her hand and gave it a tight squeeze, she looked up at me her eyes tearing up.

“I’m sorry I don’t usually get this emotional.”

“It’s okay. I think you did the right thing. Besides if she knows the doctors are doing everything they can she’ll bother them less.`` Thank you.” The nurse pursed her lips and nodded.

“Good luck.” She called after me as I headed down the corridor where Camila had ran.

 

It didn’t take me long to find Camila again, the nurses just pointed me down a corridor and I found her pacing outside the operation room door. I knew talking to her wouldn’t work so I just let her pace, I sat on the floor beside a radiator and sent a text to my dad filling him in. It wasn’t long until Sofia and Sinuhe arrived. I met them at the reception and filled them in. Sofi managed to get a hug out of her sister but that was about it.

It must have only been an hour but, God was it the longest hour of my life. Camila must have walked a marathon by the time the doctors came out of the O.R.

I felt as if I watched everything in slow motion, the look on the doctors face when he took his mask off. The way Camila’s knee’s just crumbled beneath her as she fell to the floor. The way Sinuhe grabbed her youngest into the tightest hug she possibly could and scrunched her eyes to stop the flood gates from opening. I watched as the Doctor said his bit and left breathing heavily. Everything that happened seemed impossible, like a bad dream. It wasn’t til a few seconds later when the sounds caught up to what I was seeing. Sofi’s uncontrollable sobbing and Sinuhe’s soft mumbling prayers.

Camila was the worst, her first reaction had been a blood curdling no, but now? Now, she was just knelt on the floor grasping her stomach and shaking silently. Her fist was clenched around layers of her jumper and I didn’t know whether she needed to be hugged or if she couldn’t bare human contact right now. It scared me, not knowing what she needed, or how to help her. I got up anyway and knelt beside her, I reached for her hand that was on the floor but she snatched it away before I was anywhere near.

“Please don’t.” She whispered, closing her eyes and letting tears fall. Her voice was shaky, angry, distraught.

I didn’t need to be told twice, I returned to my radiator and waited for her to be ready.

Her mom and sister couldn’t talk to her either, or rather weren’t allowed. They took off after a while, having to go talk to the doctors about what to do with Alejandro’s body. Sofi was taken home by her aunt. I’m pretty sure she was gonna ask Camila if she was coming too but Sofi warned her not to. The younger Cabello came up to me and asked me to look after. I simply nodded because it was all I could do.

Camila didn’t move for a long time. Until she realized she was in the way and scooted herself over to the wall. She seemed unreachable. She was just taking herself out of the situation; I could see it in the blankness of her stare. If her eyes weren’t open I would have checked to see if she was awake.

“Hey Lauren?”

I was taken out of my daze by a soft familiar voice, I turned to see two young sad eyes staring back at me.

“Hey Phil, how are you?” I looked up to see his mom, the nurse had brought him round.

“Mommy told me Princess Camila’s Daddy went to heaven.” I smiled at his innocence.

“That’s right Phil.”

“Do you think I could talk to her?” He asked, looking over his shoulder to the small girlish figure behind him. I followed his gaze and saw that Camz hadn’t even noticed that Phil and his Mom were here. So what harm could it do?

I nodded and he nodded confidently in return, before waddling himself over to sit by Camila. His mom came and sat down beside me and we watched their exchange together in silence.

“Hey Princess.” Camila’s eyes focused and she saw the little boy sat beside her. She smiled and raised and arm for him to cuddle into her.

“I heard your Daddy went to heaven.” He said sadly, while hugging onto the young singer tightly. The brunette nodded, her lips pursing as if she was scared to say anything.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m going to heaven soon and that I can look after your daddy for you.”

I felt myself crumble at the little boys words. I cried and cried until Phil had to return to his ward. Until Camila came over to my side of the corridor and let me hold her.

She eventually let me take her home but as we pulled up outside and she saw all of her relatives cars outside, she spoke her first words since the doctors had come out of the operation room.

“Can I stay with you?”

“Sure.”

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My mind became distracted by the beauty of the garden in front of us I had almost forgotten why I was there. It wasn’t until I felt Camila’s head lean against me gently that I snapped out of my daze._
> 
> Let me know your feels x

The next few days were really hard. The wake, the funeral and the press trying to get a look in at it all. It killed me that the world didn’t realise how much Camila and her family just deserved to be alone for this. Surely they deserved privacy for this of all things, but the reporters didn’t seem to think so. I had heard the other girls giving statements back in LA and our PR team had sent out a statement on behalf of Camila, but that didn’t seem to be enough for the parasitic journalists. After the statement went out the crowd died down but there were still a small group of leeches trying to get whatever they could out of the Cabello’s tragedy.

Camila was oblivious to it all. At least I think she was, she was in a zombie-like daze most of the time. People would offer her their condolences and she would nod and shake their hand or receive a hug but nothing seemed to be going in. It was as if she was on autopilot and her mind was somewhere else. It was probably good that she was because with the amount of hassle I was getting from the press and on social media, I couldn’t imagine the amount she was getting or how she would have handled it.

The other girls offered to come down but we decided against it. They took care of press back home and decided to let me handle Camila. She had her family here anyway and the girls didn’t want to attract more unwanted attention for the Cabello’s.

It was a long draining week and by the time we were on the flight back to LA there wasn’t much of an improvement in Camila’s consciousness. She said a few more things here and there to me, like please and thank you, she even told the airport security her name when they had asked. But when there was people yelling her name and rushing towards us trying to get past security to see her, there was no reaction. Not a single word, or a smile, or a wave. She was just zombie Camila on a mission to get out of there.

We were almost out of the airport when a few fans tried to say they were sorry about her dad, that was when Camila reacted. It wasn’t bad, just more than she had done since the hospital. She grabbed my hand suddenly and squeezed it. I looked over to find her big brown eyes trained on the ground and filling with tears. She pulled me into the truck after her still holding my hand tightly. I closed the door behind me and was immediately pulled into a tight embrace. Camila sobbed into my shoulder all the way home as if it had only really hit her then. I didn’t understand until later that she couldn’t let herself go in front of anyone at home.

 

We didn’t have anything on our schedule for the next few days which was good because it gave Camila time to properly mourn. She was distraught but in a healthier sort of way. Around us she obviously felt more less pressure to keep up an unfaltering appearance. She wasn’t anybody’s big sister here, she wasn’t the famous big cousin who had to be perfect. She was the daughter of one of the kindest men I had ever known, who’s life had been taken from him far too soon. Here in LA she showed that.

By the third day back home she had a routine going. She would eat half of her breakfast, maybe have two or three sips of her drink before pouring it down the sink and putting her dishes in the dishwasher. She would then go up to her room, shower and then get half dressed, usually a pair of leggings and one of her dads old shirts that she had brought with her from Miami. If it was sunny (which it always was) she would go sit out the back and bring the collar of the shirt up to her nose and inhale deeply before she broke. I had told the other girls to let her be when we came back. I’d said that she’d have to be ready on her own, but we only had two days left and I was getting worried. I sat on one of the couches by the french doors looking out to the sunny garden where Camila was sat staring into the trees.

I sipped on my coffee slowly contemplating whether or not I should go out and talk to her. What would I say? Would that be too intrusive? Did she need more time? Was she making things worse in her own head? What was even going on in her head? I was pretty sure nobody had been able to have a full conversation with her since the hospital.

“You’re the only one to do it.” My head spun around to see the other three girls in the kitchen. Normani rinsing her glass, Ally on a stool by the kitchen island and Dinah leaning against it. The youngest spoke again.

“You’re the one who should go talk to her.”

“Why? You’re her best friends too? What if she’s had enough of me.”

“Oh yeah that’s why she sneaks down to your room in the middle of the night, because she’s had enough of you.” The tall brunette rolled her eyes. Normani came over and sat opposite me. I felt as though she was examining every inch of my face and I couldn’t get myself to look her in the eye.

“She just can’t sleep alone right now.” I answered perhaps a bit too defensively, because Normani spoke immediately.

“We’re not accusing you of anything here Lo. We’re just saying you must know how you and her have a special something that we don’t have. It’s nothing that we hold against you or anything! But it’s as if you guys just have a deeper understanding of each other. Which is why you should go talk to her. That’s all we’re saying.” Normani’s hand rested comfortingly on my leg as she spoke. The other girls hummed their agreement and the next thing I knew I was on my feet with my hand opening the glass door I had been looking out.

I opened it slowly, something about approaching Camila felt delicate. As I closed the door slowly I heard Dinah’s voice again, hushed to the other two.

“How can she not know?” I closed it and saw Ally shrug out of the corner of my eye. If I wasn’t so concentrated on wanting Camila to feel better I would have gone back in and questioned them but I knew I had to talk to Camila. Maybe they meant about me being the one to talk to her. I suppose that did make sense now.

I walked over the lawn to where the brunette sat and lowered myself onto the grass. We sat in silence for a moment, with no reaction from Camila. I crossed my legs so we were both sat the same and sipped my on my coffee, looking into the tree’s that Camila had been boring holes into for the last few days.

It was beautiful really, the way the different shades of green merged into one another, leaving holes here and there for segments of a clear baby blue to appear. Our trees were tall, to try and make the garden as private as possible, and with whatever way our garden was facing, it was a sun trap, so all the colors seemed enhanced by the brightness of the LA sun.

My mind became distracted by the beauty of the garden in front of us I had almost forgotten why I was there. It wasn’t until I felt Camila’s head lean against me gently that I snapped out of my daze.

“How are you doing?” It felt like such a stupid question to ask, but where was I supposed to start?

I looked down at my best friend and noticed she’d been pulling out bits of grass and putting them on my shoe. For some reason this made me smile and relax a little.

“Okay I guess.” She said quietly.

“It’s nice having this time off, I don’t know what I’d be like if we had to go straight back to work.”

“Yeah I don’t think I could’ve either Camz.” She sat up straight and looked at me. Her soft brown eyes searching mine. For what I wasn’t quite sure, but I knew if it was anyone other than Camz that it would have felt very intrusive. But with her it was just, intimate. I held her gaze until she seemed satisfied and sat up straight, turning herself towards me. I let myself take in the sight of the younger girl before me. Her hair was still wet from the shower, but bits of it were drying into gorgeous waves framing either side of her face. Her Dads’ oversized shirt didn’t seem ridiculous on her, infact, the dark green quite complemented her sallow skin and the way the collar was open gave her a casual chic-ness that she would often wear on a regular day. Her face was bare and dry but that made her seem even more beautiful.

“I feel like I should have known, I mean I did know but…” Her words confused me for a moment before I realised what she was talking about.

“I just couldn’t quite remember. It was different you see because… I wasn’t so worried last time. I thought you know a broken bone is fine, it’s recoverable and it just completely took me by surprise.”

“Last time?” The girl looked up from the grass and met my eyes again, she looked so young. I suddenly felt like we were fifteen again sitting in her back garden in Miami getting to know each other.

**_“So why didn’t you audition before this year?” I smiled at the young brunette who was trying and failing miserably to make a daisy chain. She somehow kept managing to just mash the stem to pieces each time she tried to make a hole._ **

**_“I couldn’t. I actually followed the rules, unlike you!” I teased and the younger girl rolled her eyes at me._ **

**_“Still though. Your voice is incredible I can’t believe you’re only my age and the way you look too, I would’ve thought you were way older.”_ **

**_“What do you mean way older?!”_ **

**_“No I just mean like, I don’t know, Demi’s age or something,” She mashed another stem and threw it haphazardly behind her and I giggled softly._ **

**_“Nah I’m still just a kid…” I sighed looking down at my own daisy chain. Which seemed like a diamond necklace in comparison to Camila’s three daisies which were dangling by threads._ **

**_I rolled onto my knees and placed the flowers around Camila’s neck and finished off the loop._ **

**_“There ya go!” I smiled happily taking in my marvelous handy work. Camila seemed almost in a trance looking at me, it made me wonder if there was something on my face. I must have faltered slightly because the younger girl looked away suddenly to the mess of flowers in her own hand._ **

**_“I’d give you mind but they’re pretty… pathetic!” She laughed dangling them in between us where the bottom flower finally broke in half and fell to the ground. I couldn’t help but laugh with her._ **

**_“Come here, you just have to be a bit more delicate.” I said picking up some more daisies to show her how to do it._ **

**_We spent another hour or so sat on the grass before retreating to her room when we both had daisy necklaces and bracelets and anklets and headbands. We lay on her bed and discussed trivial fifteen year old things. School and teachers and boys, we had done this almost every day since we had gotten back to miami. It was so incredible that we only lived twenty minutes from each other._ **

**_“I can’t believe that Keaton was such a… such a… Dick! To you of all people!” I had never heard Camila say anything bad about anyone and it made me laugh so hard to hear her talk about my ex like that. My stomach was starting to ache from how much I was laughing. She turned on her side to face me._ **

**_“I’m serious Lauren, he was such an asshole!” Her arm flung playfully at me and I couldn’t help but giggle a bit more. Camila Cabello swearing was a whole new thing._ **

**_“Thanks Camz but it’s fine.” I smiled trying to keep my giggles under control._ **

**_“As if he’d ever do any better than you? You’re an amazing person and you’re so funny and interesting and smart! I mean you have a scholarship for gods’ sake! And look at you! You’re gorgeous, you have perfect hair and such a contagious smile and your eyes! I meant EVERYONE knows how incredible your eyes are!” She continued listing off attributes and I couldn’t help but smile at everything she said. If some boy had said that to me or even any girl from school I would be very dubious, I’d probably think they wanted something from me. But with Camila saying them, I somehow believed her._ **

**_“Jeez Camila, do you want to date me?” I laughed and the brunette stopped dead for a moment before playfully stretching out her arm around me._ **

**_“Well I did hear you were in a really cool band. Hmm… maybe you could put in a good word with Dinah for me?” She winked and I pretended to be offended._ **

**_“You’d rather date Dinah than me?” The younger girl, didn’t even have to think about it. She nodded immediately._ **

**_“Yeah she could reach everything for me.” We both broke out into laughter again._ **

“I mean, that’s how I remember it. You know?” I nodded.

“It was different this time, because I had you.” She looked up and the glint in her eyes seemed thankful, but she smiled sadly.

“I think because I had you and because it was different to my memory I thought, maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe it wasn’t this time. But it happened anyway and that was just like a huge kick to the gut.” Her eyes fell back down to the grass in front of her.

“But Lauren.” Our eyes met again suddenly and with a sort of power behind it. I felt as though had a magnet in my head that was just drawn to the other girl, suddenly switched on and magnetized straight to her.

“I am so grateful for you being with me through this. I don’t know how I would have been if you weren’t there with me. So thank you.”

“Of course Camz. Of course I’d be there for you. I’ll always be there for you, okay?” Camila nodded and crawled over to me and capturing me in a hug we slowly rolled to the ground. A few moments passed before Camila spoke again.

“Could we do something today? Like have a Camren day? I’m tired of being sad.”

“Of course, actually I think I know exactly what we can do today.” I smiled to myself, glad that Camila wanted to do something and flattered that she wanted to do something with me. We both got up and walked back to the house discussing what attire we would need for the day. Both of us blissfully unaware of the three girls inside the house who were rushing away from the window trying to look as if they hadn’t been spying on our interaction.

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"You're an incredible kisser"_

“You are so much better at this now!”

“Well you’re a good teacher.” Camila smiled happily, threading the flowers through each other effortlessly.

“That was ages ago though!”

“Hey if you’re taught a good lesson, it sticks with you. It happens with everything!”

“That’s so not true! I’ve tried many a time, to teach someone, who will remain nameless – to kiss better and they were still awful!” I laughed, remembering a very awkward first kiss with a boy who later got the nickname ‘the washing machine’. (Not from me of course)

“I hope you’re not talking about me! Also I’ve kissed a whole of two people in my life and you’re one of them so, you know I can’t really talk…” Camila laughed with me easily and I was glad to see her so relaxed.

“No I didn’t mean you, you’re an incredible kisser. It was this guy from back home, don’t think he quite understood the concept of taking turns to be honest.” I concentrated on finishing my chain and held it up proudly.

“Done!”

“That’s nine!”

“It’s ten, the one that connects them counts.”

“You never said that! I’ve got eleven then!” She held her daisy chain up and I counted the flowers, ten and an unfinished loop.

“Yeah but you didn’t finish it.”

“That’s because I was playing by the rules you big cheater!” She laughed throwing her daisies at me. I dodged them easily and smiled calmly placing my winning daisy chain on my head. Camila rolled her eyes slowly before diving and pushing me onto the ground, grabbing her daisy chain from where it had landed just behind me, finished it and then wrapped it around the bun on the top of her head. (Which it somehow fit perfectly) She stood up and offered me her hand. She pulled me up so fast, I had forgotten how strong she was and almost flew into her.

“So…” She gave me a sly smirk.

“Incredible?” I felt myself blush as my eyes automatically fell to her lips and I became hyper aware of just how close we were. Her lips parted gently and my eyes shot back up to meet her where she greeted me with a raised eyebrow.

“Don’t get a big head Cabello.” I smiled and turned on my heel and began walking slowly waiting for her to catch up with me.

“You didn’t deny it.” She appeared not even a moment later and I knew she hadn’t picked up her stuff.

“Don’t forget your phone.” I smiled. She went back to get it and joined me again.

“You didn’t deny it!” She said again with a huge grin across her face. I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help but let a smile dance across my lips.

“Well I said it didn’t I!” I saw her fist pump in my peripheral and laughed. Typical Camila.

“Ha Lauren Jauregui thinks I’m an incredible kisser!” She smiled proudly, marching beside me her head held high. She looked at me and moved in close, her voice was hushed but still giddy.

“How do I fair in bed, eay?” She pulled back and winked before laughing at the shocked look on my face.

“Don’t push your luck!” I laughed poking her belly and pushing her away from me. She laughed again, so hard she almost knocked over a young girl who was smiling broadly at her.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry are you okay!” Camila asked the young girl who must have been about nine or ten. Her face had changed from giddy to concerned almost immediately, the young girl however seemed ecstatic to be almost knocked off her feet.

“Hi! I’m okay!” She hugged Camila and ran to me.

“Hi! Wow!” She hugged me too.

“Sorry I saw you guys playing and my mom told me not to interrupt but now that you’re leaving I had to say hello!” The girl spoke so fast it was almost hard to keep up with what she was saying.

“Well I’m glad you came to say hello, what’s your name?”

“Maddie! Maddie O’Brien!” She smiled proudly gave us another hug.

“Oh cool are you Irish?” I asked smiling at the young girl who quickly shook her head.

“No I’m American.” I couldn’t help but giggle at her innocence but I soon stopped with a tap on the arm and quick look from Camila.

“My Grandpa was Irish though.” She smiled broadly at me and I struggled to stifle another giggle.

“Really? Never would have guessed…” Camila shot me another look, but a broad smile was plastered across her face too.

“Would you like to take a picture or anything? I’m sorry I don’t have anything to give you.” Camila said feeling the pockets of her jeans.

“Oh yes please can I!!” The girl asked excitedly before turning and waving at her mom to come over.

We took a few pictures with the young girl some silly ones and some nice ones. Her mom seemed delighted that her daughter had been able to meet us, she even took a selfie with all of us in it. Moms were so cool these days.

“Thank you girls so much, this is going to be such an amazing memory for Maddie.” She smiled gratefully at us. I bent down and gave Maddie the daisy chain that had been on my head, it seemed to fit her as a necklace much better than it had fit on my head. I heard her mom speaking softly to Camila above my head over Maddie’s thank yous.

“I’m sorry to hear about your father, but he left a beautiful gift to this world in the form of you. You can touch so many people in such a positive way Camila.” I stood up and looked at Camila who was smiling at the woman and nodding.

“Thank you girls really, this has been such a pleasure and I’m so glad my little girl has such good role models to look up too.”

We said our goodbyes and she thanked us again and told Camila her and her family would be in her prayers. I was worried that after such a positive morning this would bring Camila down again but when we finally got clear of the O’Briens, she seemed perfectly happy and said a very normal Camila thing to say.

“Can we go get food? I’m starved.” She smiled at me and put her hand on her stomach. Almost as if on cue her stomach rumbled and I couldn’t help but giggle again.

“Of course, I know a great little flamenco place around the corner.”

“Uh I love that place! The one that you think the owner gives you discounts because you speak Spanish?”

“Yeah how do you know about it I haven’t brought anyone but Tay there?” I asked confused, not even my dad knew this place existed. I opened the gate and Camila walked through and turned in the direction of the restaurant shrugging.

“You brought me there on our unofficial first date and we go there like all the time.” She smiled casually and I felt myself get slightly uneasy again. I was fine talking about things in the past but the whole future thing made me uneasy, especially when I wasn’t sure where I stood on this whole thing but the fact that Camila was in such a hard place at the moment I didn’t want her to rely on me that much that she thought that we were a thing again. I decided to act as casual as possible.

“When’s that then?” I smiled awkwardly consciously trying not to sound flirty but trying to keep it playful. How? I don’t know, I’m sure I just sounded awkward because she laughed out loud immediately.

“Pfft soon, I guess.” She laughed. Looking back at me I’m sure she knew I was confused, but she just laughed again and told me to hurry up.

“By the way, he likes it when we speak spanish but he gives you discounts because he fancies you.” She giggled again linking my arm as we turned the corner towards _El Corral de La Pacheca._

“What?! He’s so old!” Camila turned and looked at me with surprise.

“He’s probably Chris’s age what are you on about?!”

“No he’s not, he’s definitely in his fifties.”

“Oh you’re thinking of Paulo, he actually doesn’t own it. He’s just the boss, but he runs it because he wants his son to get a college education.” I looked at Camila in surprise.

“What we go there a lot okay? And it was left to Diego in his Grandpapi’s will and Diego’s the one who fancies you.” I laughed at her and rolled my eyes.

“How would you even know he fancies me?”

“He told me all about it when I gave him his wedding invitation. He gave me a massive hug when I told him and then told me all about it. It was quite comical really.” There it was again, I almost wished I hadn’t asked. The pang of guilt in my chest was almost too much, but luckily Camila had un-linked me to open the door into _El Corral_ and hold it open for me.

“Ah Hola Lauren! You brought a friend!” The rather large man approached me and took my hand in greeting. He pulled me in and gave me a kiss on each cheek as if we were family.

“Hola Sr Moreno! ¿Cómo está?”

“Estupendo! Estupendo as always Lauren!” He smiled broadly and pulled Camila in for the same greeting.

“A friend of Lauren’s is always welcome here! I am Paulo!”

“Hola! Soy Camila!” Camila smiled proudly at the restaurant owner – no wait, manager?

“I should have known! Welcome, welcome take a seat ladies, I’ll send Diego over to you in a few minutes okay?” He ushered us towards a table and we sat down Camila gave me an _I told you so_ , sort of look before burying her head in the menu and mmm-ing at almost every item.

We ordered from Diego, who seemed perfectly normal and not crushing on me at all. Despite all Camila’s attempts at convincing me he was. The food was incredible as always and I managed to steer conversation away from anything oddly futuristic.

“Were you okay in the park? What that women said, was awful nice but I couldn’t tell…”

“I was actually. Yeah it was really sweet of her, I think she was surprised we were so nice to be honest.” She smiled and looked up at me taking another forkful of flan into her mouth.

“You always freak out when you can’t read me.” She smiled goofily.

“Why are you smiling at that?” I laughed incredulously.

“Also I didn’t freak out, I was just worried.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever…” She smirked, forking more flan into her mouth.

“It’s so good!” She mumbled and I couldn’t help but laugh. She swallowed heavily and smiled toothily at me.

“Thanks for today it’s been great, I actually feel really positive. It’s good to know I have people on my side you know? And it’s been such a normal day. Well not normal it’s been great – Estupendo even!” She laughed.

“But you know what I mean right? I haven’t felt like anyone’s pitying me or anything you know?” I nodded at the brunette across the table.

“Well it’s not over yet, if you don’t want it to be that is. I think I have an estupendo idea.” I wiggled my eyebrows mischievously and watched Camila’s grin grow.

“Oh I have no idea what it could possibly be, but I am definitely up for it.” She sounded somewhat sarcastic for some reason but happy and that’s all I wanted.

We finished up at _El Corral_ and headed back towards downtown LA, we were hardly dressed for a night on the town but I knew a place that would let us in if we were in our pajamas. Mind you, being two fifths of the worlds’ largest girl band was a bit helpful in those situations.

It wasn’t a fancy place there wasn’t a bouncer or a carpet or a line to get in. Mind you it was only about 8 O’Clock in the evening, the place was full of people already but there wasn’t any fuss when we arrived a few people nudged each other and nodded in our direction but nobody came up to us or yelled our names or anything which was nice. It was sort of an older crowd so maybe that was why.

“Do you want a drink?” I leaned into Camila and tried to make sure she could here me. She leaned away from me slowly her mouth gaping.

“ME? Drink?!” She mouthed pretending to be appalled. She motioned for me to come closer with her finger and I leaned in ear-first.

“I’ll have a rum and coke.” I laughed at how causally she had said it.

I signaled to the barman and ordered Camila’s short and a beer for myself. He came back and kept both of them in his hands.

“Will you ladies be singing for us tonight?” He smiled coyly and I nodded.

“If you’ll let us.” I pretended to be uncertain immediately he laughed.

“Well they’re on the house then!” He winked letting go of the drink and moving on to serve another customer.

Camila raised an eyebrow when he was gone obviously impressed that I had got them for free, or maybe insinuating that this was yet another person who had a crush on me. We tapped each our drinks together before taking our first swigs.

“Did you tell him we’d sing?” Camila asked after a while.

“Well this is a karaoke bar!” I half shouted back to her and watched her small smile grow into a huge grin. It wasn’t often we got a chance to sing whatever song we wanted in front of a crowd. It seemed like such a pure form of performance, I mean of course touring our albums was great but singing the same 12 songs for two years straight was such a bore. We had learned that the hard way when our debut album had taken so long to be released and we were stuck performing our EP for what seemed like an eternity.

“Uhh this is perfect!!” She flung her head back in delight and I was so glad to see her genuinely happy.

When we approached the MC to put our names down, he almost did a double-take. He was falling over us and kept encouraging us to sing more songs. We managed to get away with one together and one each but I knew he wanted more.

“I’m going first, I don’t want to have to follow you Cabello.” I shot at Camila playfully and she rolled her eyes before taking her straw into her mouth.

“We’re singing together you idiot!” She giggled bubbles into her drink.

The Karaoke was incredible, the crowd were so responsive but not In a wow you’re famous sort of way more in a wow you can sing sort of way and that felt really good. Sometimes with all the outfits and make up and choreography, it was hard to just fall in love with the music again. Singing was why we were where we were. I decided to go with an old jazz standard just so I could belt, I loved singing jazz because a lot of the old singers were altos so the songs fit really comfortably in my range. Night & Day was one of my all-time favorites because of the weird rap thing at the start.

When I was finished Camila was the first one up on her feet applauding and hooting as loud as she possibly could. After a long debate, Camila and I finally agreed to sing History. It was the best I could do seeing as she refused to suggest anything other than One Direction. I think she just loved the idea of me singing 1D in public. We managed to get everyone up and singing for that one, it wasn’t hard seeing as Camila was a natural crowd pleaser, we had a bit of a giggle in the middle when we both went for the same harmony, but with the whole bar singing along it was hardly noticeable.

When I left the stage I realised I didn’t know what Camila was going to sing at all, but as I was handed another beer and a pat on the back by the bartender I heard the opening chord and recognised it almost immediately.

“This is…was, my dad’s favorite song. He loved it when I’d sing this for him, so I’m going to sing it now.” The whole room went quiet at her words and watched intently as the young woman on stage closed her eyes and readied herself.

_Georgia, Georgia_

_The whole day through_

_Just an old sweet song_

_Keeps Georgia on my mind_

My breath hitched at the clarity of the emotion in her voice. She was pouring her heart into this song and everyone in the bar was privy to it.

_I’m say Georgia_

_Georgia_

_A song of you_

_Comes sweet and clear_

_As moonight through the pines_

_Other arms reach out to me_

_Other eyes smile tenderly_

_Still in peaceful dreams I see_

_The road leads back to you_

_I said Georgia_

_Oh Georgia, no peace I find_

_Jut an old sweet song_

_Keeps Georgia on my mind_

By the end of the song, Camila was in tears and she wasn’t the only one. Once again I was reminded that anything to do with Camila Cabello, would someone bring me to tears. It was incredible seeing the reaction of the crowd, everyone was on their feet as soon as Camila had lowered the microphone. For some reason the standing ovation made me so proud of her, when she had descended from the stage she aimed straight from my arms and I held her tight placing a gentle kiss on top of her head. Boy was I glad I didn't have to follow that.

“That was incredible.”

“It felt incredible.” She pulled away and smiled widely, wiping her wet eyes.

“How about another drink?” Camila smiled again and pulled me back towards the bar.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You have always been my first choice._

After that night at the karaoke bar Camila had been able to grieve her dad much more openly, she didn’t mind shedding a tear if something reminded her of him and she didn’t mind talking about her loss in front of the media or with fans anymore. She was taking to work in a much healthier way than before as well, it was as if she had fallen in love with singing again, which seemed to happen quite a lot for her. She was getting more and more involved with the writing process and was even asking the techies how to set up the mics and how the mixing desk worked.

I felt like I wasn’t engaged enough in our work when I saw how inspired she was, I wanted to be as enthusiastic about every part of our industry as she was but I just didn’t have the same excitement about learning the difference between dynamic and condenser microphones as she did. Though when she explained it, it was, admittedly much easier to follow.

We soon found ourselves inseparable again and it was almost as if there had been no accident at all. It didn’t take long for the girls to comment, at first it was just, it’s nice to see you too getting along again! But then it jumped suddenly to so are you guys going to give it a shot? And as much as I liked to ignore them and pretend I didn’t know what they were on about, it was starting to bug me.

It wasn’t until it became a common thing on my newsfeed and there were whispers of it in the press again, that I flipped out. I mean somebody had to address it and of course, me being me, I did it without a second thought.

 

**ssweet-dispositionn**

> I know very few people who understand what goes on in my life. I have fewer still who know what goes on in my head and _yes_ you guessed it! Even fewer again who know what’s going on in my heart. Do you know how many people know what’s going on in my heart?
> 
> 1 – and it’s _me_.
> 
> All of what the media puts out is speculation and fantasy and to be honest, I find it incredulous that they would return to this matter again after the many times, myself, Camila, the band and even our families addressed it.
> 
> Firstly; What I do in my own time and _who_ I do in my own time is my own business. As is Camila’s.
> 
> Secondly; If I was seeing anybody and _wanted_ to share it with the world, I would and if I _didn’t_ – I should be allowed to have my own tiny piece privacy in my very non-private life.
> 
> Thirdly; For those fans proclaiming they know me? If you did, you know I would never stoop so low as to take advantage of someone who was in a bad place. Camila has just lost the most important man in her life and is still dealing with that. I can’t believe that some of you would take a friend comforting another in a time of great sorrow as the perfect opportunity to push your delusional fantasies onto them. Camila has gone through a lot and although the brunt of it is over, it’s no time for her to have a relationship and it’s no time for her to have to fend off fans accusing her of hiding one.
> 
> I do _not_ mean to insult any of you. It is just increasingly frustrating to have to deal with an abundance of tweets, comments, asks and even yelling in the street, about something that is a figment of imagination.
> 
>  

I hit send and nodded to myself. I watched as the notifications chimed in. Tweets bombarding my newsfeed, my ask box number climbing higher and higher. This was exactly the opposite of what I had wanted. I shut my laptop and walked from my bedroom into the kitchen and poured a glass of juice. When I looked up I saw Normani sitting on the couch in front of the French doors with a frown across her face. She was staring intently at her phone. She looked to me immediately her facial expression not changing.

“What did you do?”

But before I could even react heels came marching into the kitchen and a small hand wrapped on my bedroom door.

“Lauren, what did you do?” Ally stared at the door for a moment before Dinah strolled in casually behind her, flicking through her phone, her eyes widening occasionally.

“Oh gurl…” She half hummed to herself before sitting down opposite Normani.

At this point Ally had turned and spotted me.

“What is going on? My phone is blowing up and it’s all questions about you and Camila?” I rolled my eyes. The exact opposite, of what I had literally just asked for.

“Just ignore them.” I said shrugging making my way around the island to lean against it.

“That’s great yeah, _I’ll_ ignore them. What do you think Camila’s gonna do? I’m not the only one getting them.” She looked at me like a disappointed dog owner, as if I had just chewed up her favourite shoes and I wouldn’t get fed if I didn’t fess-up.   

I hadn’t thought of that, I thought the messages would just be directed at me. It had barely even clicked that the other half of this faux charade would be receiving questions too. Mind you I had thought I had made it clear that she was going through stuff with losing her dad and didn’t needed to be bothered with such trivial stuff as this.

“Did you really say they were delusional?” Dinah asked looking up from her phone

“What?! No, I said their fantasies were delusional.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“No?”

Before I could say another word Camila came storming into the room and I felt a red heat burn across my cheek as she slapped me with all her might.

“How dare you!”

“What?!” I raised my hand to my cheek, trying to cool it down but it felt like millions of tiny needles were taking turns sewing the bright red into my skin. It was on fire, I had no idea Camila could hit like that. Or why she would hit me like that.

“Don’t _what_ me Jauregui, you absolute asshole!” She took a step forward and I moved back instinctively but my back was already pressed against the island counter.

I wanted to be stronger to yell back and say what? Why? Why am I an asshole, but I was too comprehensive around Camila. I knew she didn’t get angry for no reason and with the girls asking me what I had done just before she barged into the room I think I knew something had come across very wrong in my post about the rumors. Still, I opened my mouth to defend myself anyway.

I needn’t have tried because Camila cut across me immediately.

“Don’t speak!”

“But…”

“Lauren Jauregui I said do not speak. Who the fuck do you think you are?” She pointed angrily at me with her right hand her left grasping tightly onto her phone by her side, her knuckles almost white.

“How dare you write something like that without even asking me first?! The whole point of the post was to not have people assume things of me yet you assumed the whole time what I’d like to be said – you absolute hypocrite!”

I looked at her stunned her words hitting me like slaps in the face. Did she want all this shit in the media about us?

“How dare you call the fans delusional and that this – us – is a fantasy! Because do you know what Lauren, that’s you saying that to me that’s YOU telling ME, that it’s a figment of my imagination. You’re saying you’ve fucking lost your marbles Camila this is a fantasy and don’t you deny it –“

“Camz that wasn’t aimed at y-“ I tried to explain, but the brunette in front of me was having none of it. I felt like she was growing taller with every word she spat at me, her eyes starting to water.

“SHUT UP! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING RIGHT NOW SEEING AS YOU TOLD THE WHOLE WORLD HOW I FELT WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME?!”

Her eyes brimmed with tears again and I couldn’t believe how upset she was getting about this, how could she possibly think I was taking a dig at her?

“Those words you used are directed at me whether you know it or not. You have constantly told me I was wrong about these things because you just don’t understand where I’m coming from and that’s fine until you start – “

I rolled my eyes, because it obviously wasn’t fine.

“LAUREN!” She yelled and shut her eyes tight because now the tears were real, they started to roll down her cheeks. I took a quick check around the room and all the girls were looking at me, equally as disappointed as Camila.    

“People think we’re in love – because I fucking _am_ in love with you!” I looked back at Camila.

“And _you_ … You treat it as if it’s some whimsical thing the fans have drawn up to make us more relatable. Well do you know what Lauren, fuck you, because it’s not a fantasy – it’s not delusional. I am in love with you, you miserable fucking dickhead. Even though you’ve fucked me about so much.”

“When have – “

“OH PLEASE! You have said constantly that you’re straight when you’re _blatantly_ not. You even accused me of pushing my sexuality onto you – then you went and got HIGH AND _FUCKED_ SOME OTHER GIRL! You discouraged anything I ever said but _you slept with me_ and said it was a mistake, a ‘drunken fuck’ when you _knew_ it meant more than that to me. You said I used you, called me selfish! Not to mention you’ve completely disregarded ALL of our history!”

She listed them off so easily it made me sick to the stomach, each one another churn of disapproval whirled making me dizzy and my chest ache with every tear that dropped from her eyes.

It was true. I knew it was. I couldn’t deny that at all, I could barely defend myself. Thinking back about everything that had happened between the accident and now, it was a yo-yo for me and I knew it was a rollercoaster for Camila. One minute we were yelling insults at each other across a studio the next we were out for dinner together and flirting in shops.

“I don’t want to wait around to be your second choice Lauren. I deserve to be a first choice just like you have always been my first choice. But I’m fed up of waiting on you to decide to keep me around.” I wanted to shake my head, tell her she was wrong but I was in shock.

“I spent so long wondering what made me so disposable. Why you could leave me so easily? Without having to deal with any backlash. Me _always_ being the one left to suffer for your decisions.” She looked at me intently her teary eyes locking onto mine, searching my soul to see unspoken answers.

“Well at least I don’t have any regrets. At least I don’t wonder what would have happened if I had tried, because I did. You’ll never know what would have happened if you had picked me and you get to wonder if you’ve lost the greatest thing that ever happened to you, every-single-day.” Her big doe brown eyes and I watched her tears fall in slow motion. She turned and left the room silently. I heard the front door click closed and an engine start in the driveway. Nobody spoke until the engine drifted into the distant hum of the city.

“Back here again.” Mani sighed resting her hands across her lap as if she had been holding them up for Camila and I’s entire exchange. I blinked and focused on her, she gave Dinah a sad look and the youngest got up slowly looking deflated and drained.

“I’ll fill in the team. They’ll need help with the damage control and have to make sure Camila doesn’t go AWOL. Mind you I don’t think she’s the type to get high and then stroll through downtown.” She grimaced before walking past me, totally ignoring my presence. Her jab hit me in the gut, a nice reminder that once you were labelled as something it was near impossible to shrug it off. I wasn’t a druggie, but nobody forgot things like that in Hollywood.

Ally walked over to me silently placing her hand on my shoulder before putting her mug in the dishwasher and leaving. I stayed where I was for a while, still taking everything in. Unable to decide if I was going to fall apart or not.

“This is your crash Jauregui.” Normani spoke calmly, facing the windows.

“Sorry?”

“Mila’s crash was a plane. This is yours.” I watched as the dancer observed the outdoors and then left for my room.

I could see the dust from the light cracking through the curtains. I closed the top ones first and then went over to my window seat to close the bottom curtains. There was dark skid marks in the yard where Camila had sped to get away from me.

I hoped with all my might that she was okay, that she’d come back, that I could fix this. I drew the curtains and collapsed onto my bed. Finally letting all my emotions out, I cried until I fell asleep.


End file.
